txts from last night
So there is this AWESOME, HILARIOUS, OSCAR WORTHY website called 'txts from last night'. Here are some of my favorites:
(989): Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
(314): So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
(954): You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
(651): Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
(408): hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
(650): nah, i'm gonna grab some food
(202): I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
(404): I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
(913): Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
(1-913): You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
(480): just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
And then I found a site charmingly titled 'FMy Life':
Today, my mom : "You and your dad like all the same foods right? Try this for me", she then proceeds to give me a strawberry flavored jelly. I say that it tastes good and ask what she gave me. "It's my new nipple cream, I want to surprise your dad tonight." FML
Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. At that point I noticed my phone had fallen out of my pocket in the street and was run over by several cars. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML
(989): Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
(314): So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
(954): You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
(651): Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
(408): hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
(650): nah, i'm gonna grab some food
(202): I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
(404): I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
(913): Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
(1-913): You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
(480): just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
And then I found a site charmingly titled 'FMy Life':
Today, my mom : "You and your dad like all the same foods right? Try this for me", she then proceeds to give me a strawberry flavored jelly. I say that it tastes good and ask what she gave me. "It's my new nipple cream, I want to surprise your dad tonight." FML
Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. At that point I noticed my phone had fallen out of my pocket in the street and was run over by several cars. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML