(no subject)
Six.
There it was clear in black and white and DNA does not lie.
“Told you.” Izzy whispered.
“Shut up.” Axl snapped still staring wild eyed at the paper. A sniff made them look up, Axcelise was sobbing quietly into Beta’s cardigan. She had an arm around him, it was clear Axl wasn’t going to. She soothed his hair and rubbed his back, kissing the top of his head. Ever the mother, caring and patient.
“I’m so sorry, I’ve come in a screwed everything up for you, and me, and I could do without this now.” The stress, worry and lack of sleep had taken their toll and finally overflowed in tears. Axl was surprised that he felt nothing but pity for the young man that was his son.
A short while later Axcelise dabbed his eyes, and blew his nose. Izzy deemed it safe to give him a cuddle.
“Thanks Izzy, for everything.” Izzy let one arm drop from Axcelise and reached behind him to give Axl’s hand a reassuring squeeze. Axcelise noticed this and looked Izzy directly in the face;
“So you’re making your way through the family huh?” This had the desired effect of breaking the stifling tension as everybody laughed; Beta shuffled in with some camomile tea to sooth the nerves, a big smile on her face as she saw everybody laughing.
“Axl, I...don’t expect anything from you...you know that don’t you.”
“And I don’t expect anything from you...but...I’d like to get to know you...as a person.”
“You might not like me.”
“I might not.”
Axcelise gestured, “We’ll always have Izzy.”
“Oi.”
Again the mounting tension was broken by Axcelises deadpan delivery.
Beta got some photo albums, and gave them to Axcelise who opened them with wonder. A small black and white picture was on the front album. Two boys and a girl sat on a porch, one boy had thick rimmed glasses on that had slipped down his nose. Each child held a boiled egg at various stages of being eaten.
“Who are they?” he asked Axl.
“That's Stuart and Amy, my half brother and sister.”
“My auntie and uncle then..sort of...who’s the goofy looking kid?”
“That's me.” For some reason Axcelise found this very funny and stifled laughter snorted through his nose,
“Shut up it was the seventies! Actually I’d really like to see some pictures of you.”
“Yeah I think my auntie has some, I’ll try to find them for you, if you really want?”
“That would be cool.”
At that moment Axcelises phone rang. It was his cousin checking up. Axl only heard Axcelises half of the conversation;
“Yeah its positive...we don’t know yet...no, I’ll be coming home...Izzy will take me...”
Axl waited patiently for Axcelise to finish his call before asking; “We could have dinner over the pictures, if you like, not now, it’s been a bit of a day hasn’t it.”
“That would be really great, Izzy can come too.”
“Axl, I’m sitting right here!”
Axl turned to Izzy, keeping his face straight he said, “You can come too.”
Izzy sighed, “Now I know where ‘Celise gets it from.”
“Hey I had nothing...almost nothing to do with him, he’s screwed himself up.” ‘Celise nodded in agreement.
X X X
The weeks drifted into months Axcelise became a regular feature in Axl’s home. Axl even grew to like the kid but still didn’t feel much in the way of paternal feelings. This bugged him more than he would let on. He stood at the window looking out into the back garden. Axcelise and Ian had, for some reason started slapping each other, he couldn’t be sure but it looked like it was over the last cookie.
“Beta, I still don’t feel anything, I like the kid and all but I don’t know what to do about it.”
“It will come Axl, what are they arguing about?” she asked, patting Axl on the back.
“The last cookie.”
“Oh for...” Beta didn’t blaspheme, instead she put more cookies on a plate and went outside, leaving the door open. Ian had Axcelise over his shoulder when he spotted Beta with new cookies;
“Oh more cookies.”
“Good put me down!”
“Ummm, no.”
“Ian put me down or I’ll ummmm...I’ll...”
“You’ll what? You’ll tell your Daddy on me?”
“Yeah now gimmie them bikkies!”
Ian began to swagger toward the pool, taking his cousins weight easily. Axcelise began to kick his legs and squeal in a rather girlish manner. Axl laughed, Beta laughed, Ian laughed and launched Axcelise into the pool;
“DAAAAAADDDDYYYYY!” Axcelise squealed as he landed with a splash.
And there is was, that feeling, it had been a long time since Axl had felt this. Last time it happened was when he was putting a plaster on the skinned knee of Dylan. “That’s my son.” Axl whispered to himself smiling, he walked into the garden trying he hardest to be cool he picked up a cookie and waited until Axcelise had surfaced spitting water;
Sighing dramatically Axl helped Axcelise out the pool, pulling him up by his arms he patted Axcelise on the back;
“Ian stop picking on my boy, here son have a cookie.” Axl gave the cookie to the dripping ‘Celise who waved it Ian’s face,
“Nah nah, I got a cookie.”
Seven.
Axl tried his best to be a father, loving every moment. Axcelise relished in being the “teen.” At 22 he wasn’t that far off. Axl tried to set a curfew once, Axcelise just went “puuuft” and left the house. Axcelise would go round once a week at least for dinner. Izzy and himself had broken off their fling, Axcelise said it was weird.
On one of the occasions Axcelise was round at this fathers for dinner, he ate quietly while Axl read a letter. Beta bought some bread to the table.
“It's all good I don’t have to go to court any more, they have issued the restraining order.”
“Restraining order?” Axcelise asked, the soup spoon part way to his mouth.
“Didn’t Izzy tell you?” Axl put some bread on the side plate beside his son; “I have a stalker, she has been hanging about outside, eat some bread, its wholemeal.”
“How long.” Axcelise asked for some reason nervous, he dipped bread obidently;
“About a week, apparently we have been communicating via telepathy, of all things!” All of this sounded somehow familiar, in a very unnerving fashion. Axcelise had a feeling that he didn’t much like.
“You’ve gone pale sweetie, I take you to bed?” Beta asked as she rested her hand on Axcelises forehead.
“No, no I’m fine thank you Beta, Ax do you like a picture of this women?” Axcelise had never had the courage to call Axl ‘Dad.’ He wasn’t comfortable with that just yet. He still couldn’t believe he was here in the now.
“No why would I have a picture of her?”
“Oh shit, I’ve seen the cameras outside, you must have caught something.”
“Why are you pushing this ‘Celise? This doesn’t involve you.”
“I just need to get something straight, in my mind.”
“Ok, come on up to the study, I’ll show you?”
Axcelise followed Axl to the study, a dark, den like room with plants and a tank of rats. It was the only room in the house that smelled of stale incense. It hummed with expensive computers which Axl would spend hours tinkering with, trying to teach himself. ‘Celise was careful not to knock the music equipment that littered the place, or trip over trailing cables.
Axl searched through various files until he found a still picture, the one he had printed and given to the police. ‘Celise squinted at the screen;
“Can you zoom in?”
The picture was made bigger, Axcelise gasped and gripped the desk,
“That’s...ugh...that’s mum.” He stuttered.
X X X
The police were called and informed; Axcelise told his Auntie and Uncle and went home. There police interviewed him, asked personal questions about himself and his life with his mother. Ian sat close by his cousin giving silent support as Axcelise mumbled answers to the questions.
Axl went ahead with the restraining order regardless; it was after all for his safety and the safety of his household, and for her safety. Clearly this woman was unstable. Axcelise stayed low for a while, Izzy and Axl text him to keep him informed but they never got a reply.
Axcelise was numb, quite and pale. Occasionally he would rock when watching telly or reading. He no longer felt like singing now the other guy that played Axl was back and barely left the house. On one occasion that he did leave the house he wandered down the street trying his hardest to remember why he left the house in the first place. He stood still for a second and looked about him.
“Celise!” he looked about and found the owner of the voice. Axl stood waving at him. A shopping bag at his feet and the dog panting on her leash. Beta was on the phone. ‘Celise waved back and without looking made the drastic mistake of crossing the road.
The driver of the car changed the disk in the stereo. He was on the way to pick up his sons. He was driving too fast, unable to stop in time he plunged his foot on the break. The scream of tires on tarmac vibrated through the air. As the seconds moved in slow motion, Axl could do nothing but watch as his son the thrown in the air, like a ragdoll. His body was flipped up over the car, landed with the sickening thump then silence. He didn’t yell, scream or cry. He lay, his limps twisted awkwardly. A split second and all hell broke loose. The dog ran, barking and whining sniffing and licking the body on the floor. Axl ran after the dog, tears pricking his eyes. He threw himself down beside his son’s body skimming his hands over him. Axcelises lips were blue, his skin pale. A small amount of blood ran from his nose. His pupils fixed and dilated.
The driver climbed shakily out the car and looked at the young man on the floor, whispering quietly;
“Axl?”
“Doesn’t just fucking stand there, call an ambulance!” Axl screamed near hysterical. The driver looked past the body then to take in the sight of Axl Rose kneeling on the road, crying and whispering to the boy. The driver stood there, dumbstruck by the sight; Axl’s head snapped up.
“Fucking Hell Slash, what the FUCK were you doing driving like that you fucker?!”
Slash opened his mouth and closed it again having nothing to say. Beta had called the ambulance which came screaming round the corner at that moment. A small crowd had gathered and people were taking pictures on their phones. Sick bastards. A few people, trained in first aid, held ‘Celises head gently to keep it still and talked to him constantly though they received no response other than the occasional twitch of muscles in shock.
X X X
Axl looked though the glass at his son, tubes came from everywhere and machines monitored his vital signs but he was breathing on his own and his heart beat was weak, his blood pressure was low but stable. His eyes had been taped closed to protect them. The doctor approached.
“Mr. Rose, I need to ask you a few questions.”
“Ugh, yeah sure.”
“Do you know the boy?”
“Yeah he’s my son, long story I’m afraid.”
“Okay.” The doctor took notes, “Your son...”
“Axcelise.”
“Axcelise is stable but unresponsive, scans show his brain is swollen with light bleeding. His neck is broken so is his left arm and his spleen is ruptured, we have had to remove it.”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“I understand you are upset Mr. Rose but we won’t tolerate that language.” Axl’s nostrils flared but he nodded, the doctor continued; “When he wakes up he will have to take antibiotics to take over the job of the missing spleen.”
“When he wakes up I want him moved to a private hospital, send the bill to me.”
“We’ll see what we can do.”
The doctor turned on his heel and walked away. Beta bought him a hot chocolate;
“I have called Izzy.”
“Why?”
“He would want to know, he is on his way, he has also called the family they are coming two. Drink it Axl for the shock.”
“I feel so helpless Beta...” He would have said more but couldn’t put it into words a polite cough had taken his attention. Slash stood there awkwardly. He looked just the same, wild hair, still smelling slightly of patchouli oil or incense. Rings and bracelets tinkled as the ran a nervous, sweating hand though his hair and stuttered;
“How’s ah...how's he doing?”
“See for yourself.” Axl replied coldly. Slash looked in the room,
“Oh shit, oh god.”
“Yeah, sucks don’t it.”
“Axl I....”
“Save it Slash, your apology means nothing to me.”
A nurse in blue brushed past in to the room and looked at the chart at end of the bed. The nurse then left, turning to Axl she told him he could go in. Axl pushed Slash out the way and walked into the room. Taking Axcelises hand. Slash remained outside with Beta. He saw Axl stand awkwardly before taking the young man’s hand. It suddenly occurred to Slash who he was looking at...
“Oh, shit...I can see it now, is that guy...why didn’t I see it before?”
“They found each other by accident.” Beta informed him, “The doctors say he’s going to be okay though, his brain is swollen but he going to pull through...he got Axl genes.” The guilt was turning into a pain in the pit of his stomach.
“The man does not back down I’ll give him that.” Slash said with a wry smile.
He saw Axl lean over the lifeless body, cuddling ‘Celise. The women in green, a care assistant Axl figured checked the drip and made notes. He didn’t remember seeing her come in though. She smiled reassuringly when Axl looked up,
“You know what, he’s in there, we’ll get him back.” The girl had a calm smile, her eyes twinkled and she had a mesmerising aura, like she should be here caring for people making them comfortable. Axl had a great faith in alternative therapies and the power of touch. A calm washed over Axl;
“You know what, I believe you.”
“Have faith.” With that she almost floated out the room.
Slash and Beta looked confused; they couldn’t see the women in green. Maybe Axl was losing it.
X X X
Izzy, Uncle Joe, Auntie Janet and Ian arrived, Axl was polite but awkward in the presence of fussing family so he made feeble excuses and left.
Eight.
Axl was alone in the house that evening, which he was thankful for. He pottered in dressing gown and slippers. Took some clothes out the drier, a top belonging to Axcelise fell on the floor. The dog had jumped up in greeting causing Axcelise to spill tea and cake down himself. He’d borrowed one of his father’s tops while Axl put his in the wash. There it was now, lying on the floor, crumpled and cold Axl picked it up and smelled it, like any parent does. It made him cry like he hadn’t cried since him and Stephanie had split. It took him rather by surprise as he didn’t realise he was holding tears back. He sank to the floor, pressing the shirt to his face to muffle the painful tears; the rain came down almost in sympathy. As if the sky were reminding him he wasn’t alone, like Angels sighing the wind picked up. Axl’s breath hitched as he hiccupped and sniffed. The buzzer made him jump and he opened the gates without looking at the monitors. Izzy walked through the door moments later.
Axl wiped his eyes and carried the salt-stained shirt into the front room with him. Izzy followed;
“You want something to drink Izzy?” Axl asked his mouth sticky.
“Yeah, I’ll make it Ax, don’t worry.” Axl nodded and clipped a cigar,
“Be sure to Irish it up a little.” Izzy went to pick the shirt up off the sofa, then realised maybe Axl needed it. He made some Irish coffee, properly with the cream floating on the top. He put them down on coasters and tried his hardest to find away around the difficult situation.
“Soooo...Slash....that was ugh....yeah.” He cringed; he really wanted it to be smoother than that.
“Izzy your crap.” Axl grinned round his cigar.
“Yeah I know.” Izzy had never been good at dealing with conflict which was a surprise considering Axl was his best friend. Aromatic, heady smoke filled the sitting room. Scented candles were lit and the lights low. Axl liked to create an almost womb like atmosphere, it made him feel calm and safe.
“I just really really want him back, even if he does wind the dogs up and put the rats in his pockets.”
Izzy was confused by this...”Slash?”
Axl laughed, lightly shoving Izzy; “No fuckhead, ‘Celise.”
“Yeah I want him too.”
“I don’t want him the way you want him, perving all up on my boy.” There may or may not have been a hint of anger or resentment in Axl’s teasing, “What am I, not good enough?”
“It's not that its, just well...” Izzy blushed, tucking his hands between his knees he put his head down.
“Well what?” Axl glanced with blood shot eyes. Izzy had no answer, “Because he looks like me? Did you ask him to dress up Izzy; did you like it when he wore make-up?”
“Oh Axl stop, it’s not fair. Had I actually known who he was I wouldn’t have done anything I swear.”
“Oh so now my sons not good enough for you either, there is just no pleasing you Stradlin’.”
“I’m not going to win this one am I?”
“Probably not but I like to tease, let me have my moment.”
Both men sat in silence, sipping hot coffee and listening to the rain. It made Izzy think of the past.
“Do you remember Axl, we used to lie in bed and listen to the rain?”
“Yeah.” Axl said his voice soft as he remembered. Those memories coming back now, drifting in and out in a rose-tinted soft haze much like an old move. He wasn’t sure if they were accurate and they probably weren’t but he was enjoying them none-the-less.
“We can’t go back there now can we?” Izzy asked for conformation, sadness made his words heavy. There had been prospect. When Axl stayed at his when that women broke into his house, the women that turned out to be ‘Celies’s missing mother, there was a time then for just a moment Izzy let himself believe that maybe this time they could. He remembered the pleasing nervousness that made is stomach drop and his palms sweaty. Like the first brush of a hand, that magic first kiss. That must have been nearly three, maybe four months ago now.
Axl sighed as if the weight of the world was upon him; “A lots happened Izzy, I don’t think I could handle it right now.”
Izzy nodded wishing he could talk, say something, anything. Axl patted his thigh reassuringly,
“Come on, let’s go to bed.”
He led Izzy upstairs, into his immaculate room. They climbed in the bed and lay side by side holding hands. Axl sniffed in the dark, a flash of lightening illumining his face in a ghostly light. Tears ran silently. Izzy rolled over, almost on top of him and kissed his cheek; burying his head in Axl’s neck he smelled shampoo and aftershave with a hint of washing powder from the pillow case. Axl wrapped his arms about Izzys smaller frame and sighed contently. Emotionally drained, he quickly fell asleep, Izzy laying there running his fingers through that red silk indulging in his own sweetly scented memories.
X X X
Now in a stable condition, Axcelise was moved to a private hospital. He was kept sedated so his brain would have a chance to heal. The doctors weren’t sure what state he would be in when he came round. Any part of his body could be paralysed, or he could have behavioural issues or he would be fine. Axl informed them to send the medical bill straight to him personally, he also got in contact with Axcelises Aunt and Uncle to ask them a very difficult question. When Axcelise came round Axl wanted him at his house. He wasn’t going to force or argue the issue but he was going to ask Axcelise to make the decision.
He also cancelled a tour, right now he didn’t care that it made fans angry. They would get a full refund so what the hell did they have to complain about. He went to the hospital, holding his sons hand. Cuddling him. Sometimes he would talk or read to him, sometimes sing to him sometimes he would just listen to the beep of the heart monitor and the mechanical ticking of the machine that fed Axcelise through a tube in his nose. Izzy was a frequent visitor as was Ian. Axl received flowers from Slash, Roses...red and white. With these was a long, personal letter. It was the first contact Slash and Axl had in just over a decade. He sent a letter back, short but polite. He didn’t wish to take Slash up on the invite for coffee. It was too late now but still so raw. But he would like to keep the channel of communication open for now.
He also went to the mental hospital where Axcelises mother was being cared for. He went bravely with the full intention of speaking to her, telling her what was happening with her son. He looked though the reinforced glass in the door. Saw her rocking on the bed, a doll in her arms. She sang gently to it, stroking the plastic head. Tears welled in Axl’s eyes, he couldn’t do it, she was too far gone now and in the best place, the doctors and careers would look after her. He didn’t try again.
X X X
It was stuffy in the hospital but clean, the staff moved like spirits careful not to disturb the recovery of their patients. Axl was dozing until he heard a quiet voice whispering;
“That’s it sweetheart, open your eyes.” He looked over; the voice wasn’t talking to him. It was that young women again. Leaning over Axcelise talking quietly to him. Wondering how the hell she got here as well Axl was compelled to stay quite. He looked at the boy in the bed, pale and thin. His eyes flickered, and then flickered again. All the while that girl whispered. Axl stood slowly and pressed the call bell. Slowly, painfully Axcelise opened his eyes, Axl shut the blind so the light wouldn’t hurt delicate eyes. A nurse came in, saw Axcelise coming round and called for a doctor. By the time she came back the women in green had gone.
Nine.
Axl was at Axcelises side in a second, taking his hand and rubbing his stomach unconsciously encouraging him to come around. Axcelise turned his head to the right, where the women in green had been,
“’Celise I’m here.” Axl gently corrected, ‘Celise slowly turned his head the other way. He saw Axl, bringing and arm up to wipe his eyes he turned taking in the machines, the tubes coming out of him. He found the one in his nose and gave a sloppy experimental tug and didn’t like the feeling much. He retched and coughed as Axl pulled his arm back down. Axcelise slowly turned back to Axl, taking in the room once more he asked in a cracked voice;
“Am I poorly?” The doctor came in and briskly greeted Axcelise who jumped and looked wide eyed, he searched of Axl’s hand and squeezed tightly. “This man is the doctor.” Axl told him realising his actions meant he was confused and scared, “I think he wants to do some tests.” Axl spoke as if he was speaking to a two year old, “is that okay ‘Celise, will you let the doctor look at you?”
“Umm, I don’t know, will you be here with me?”
“Of course I will.”
The doctor performed various tests while Axl held ‘Celise’s hand. One eye wasn’t moving well, half his face seemed numb, his smile lopsided. His movements clumsy, he struggled to feed himself but refused help. He spilled drinks frequently and got very upset when the nurse gave him a special cup with a lid to drink from. Axl thought to bring in curly straws instead and Axcelise seemed happier with that. He could hold down food though he stomach was weak from liquid food and his feeding tube was removed. Izzy came in when he could and was greeted with childish delight; usually he bought sweets and his guitar to encourage Axcelise to sing.
X X X
Axcelise was sitting up in bed with a book. The improvements were vast. He could eat properly and drink properly; sometimes he would choke on liquids though. His spleen had been removed and he was getting used to self medication. His short term memory was still patchy but would get flashes of memory. Axl had spent a long time sitting by Axcelises bed filling in how they met and their relationship. Axcelise didn’t ask about his mother, though he seemed confused that he hadn’t been bought up by Axl. He just assumed he was. Axl had asked whether or not Axcelise would like to live with him. Axcelise decided that he would, he said Axl made him feel safe and Izzy told him Axl also had a pool and dogs and rats. Axcelise wanted the rats to be his so Axl said he could have them and look after them.
Walking unsteadily Axcelise entered his new room. Then asked if he could go to the pet shop. Beta took him while Axl stayed and cooked a roast dinner. A big one so the family could come over. Beta returned chuckling into the kitchen, Axl looked questioning Beta.
“You’ll see, you’ll see.” She laughed as she walked off. Axcelise limped into the kitchen and out into the garden, Axl followed. It took him a moment...Axcelise had two rats on leads with small harnesses. His argument was that rats were a clever as dogs.
Axl watched ‘Celise. Noting the changes in his behaviour. He was more childlike, temperamental and easily frustrated. The only time Axl let his son be alone was when he fell asleep which thankfully was rather frequent. Axl employed am army of therapists, crystal healers, Reiki Masters, Psychics, Aroma therapists and anything that he thought would help Axcelise. He would take Axcelise in the pool on a daily basis to work weak muscles. All the effort had a positive effect, Axcelise began to improve. His limp subside, he put on weight and looked healthier for it. He was less frustrated, calmer. He saw a psychiatrist but this unlocked the trauma of the event and he would have nightmares and had taken to wanting touch conformation. He would sit very close to the people he trusts; touch Axl alot which in the beginning drove Axl ups the wall. The constant pawing and holding and hovering. He found out if he stopped what he was doing briefly and indulged Axcelise in a quick cuddle he would be left alone. Axcelise called his name if he was being quite, Axl would always answer to let ‘Celise know he wasn’t alone. Axcelise had even taken to sleeping in Axls bed with him.
He was even calling him Dad now, which in Axls eyes was the best thing to come out of the situation. It was almost natural as if Axcelise had been doing it his entire life. He’d chosen new paint and wall paper for his bedroom; they had changed the carpet and bought a double bed to replace the single one. They also bought new clothes, when Axcelise stopped having panic attacks in crowds. He would even sing in harmony with Axl though his voice wasn’t as strong, it never really had been but was fine for the small venues Axcelise used to sing at.
For his 22nd birthday Axl even paid for matching tattoos. They each had a small red rose on their wrists. It wasn’t quite the Christmas card family Axl had always wanted but now he didn’t really care. He never went back to the hospital where Axcelises mother was being cared for, and Axcelise never asked about her.
Epilogue.
Axl was kneeling at the back of a large walk-in wardrobe, tossing clothes behind him. Axcelise perched on the end of the bed. Holding up this and that.
“I can’t believe you kept this crap Dad.”
“I wore it and kept it and it was beautiful.” Came Axls muffled reply as his head was buried in clothes, he was bending over riffling though shoe boxes. Jewellery appeared followed by a slightly dishevelled Axl.
“Don’t just sit there, get changed.”
“I don’t think I can fit in them.” Axcelise said, holding up a tiny pair of shorts.
“I can’t believe I ever did.”
Axcelise did manage to get into the shorts, he figured as long as he didn’t eat, drink, sit down or get hard it would be okay. They had teamed the black shorts with a black and silver bandanna, (Axl had a whole draw just for bandannas.) Bracelets tinkled as he watched the band from backstage, readying himself to make his entrance. Izzy was sitting in the corner where he had first seen Pistols N’ Posies play. Axl was side stage with Axcelise giving him a last minute pep-talk. Axcelise wouldn’t deny the fact he was frightened, he stepped on the stage only to be pulled back by Axl,
“Wait, not yet.” Axl hissed. He took of the heavy silver cross that he always wore. It had been a gift from Slash, Christmas of ’87. The placed it over Axcelies head, “Now, you’re ready.” Axcelise gave his lopsided smile, the only thing that had not recovered suggesting lingering nerve damage. And walked into the spot light.