Decay
Ha, the old thoughts are coming back in huge fucking packs. I'm literally forcing myself to eat. When I go up bed it takes all my control not to pull out an old "friend" which I have several times. I want to drink again. I want to be a whore. School can seriously go fuck itself, I'm tired of it and being the "smart kid". Hey, guess what? I'm not smart, I'm lucky. I remember shit easy.
Everything is driving me fucking crazy. I lost one of my closest friends, who promised he'd never abandon me. He was there for me in my worst, my darkest days.And now one fight, which lead to two, which lead to three. Which lead to him being gone...Pretty much for good, because I won't and can't admit I'm wrong, because I'm not. People can arrive at different truths. Beliefs and philosophies are shaped by personal experience, not by stated facts. The fights got so nasty, and I doubt anyone has said half the horrible things he did to me before.
I almost lost my other close friend too, because of it. But she's a loyal friend, even if she doesn't agree with me all the time. She remembers that some things are more important than right or wrong.
As if that's not enough, things with me and Dan are going downhill. I'm pretty sure we're gonna break up soon, I'm sure a certain someone will be happy. It's making me fucking miserable. I don't trust much of anyone right now.
More than anything, I want to lay down and fall asleep, and not get up.
Everything is just too much to deal with.
I'm sick of trying. I'm sick of losing. I'm tired of being treated like shit and abandoned by the people I hold dear. My life is decaying and the future looks so hopeless...I don't want to be alive anymore. I've lost everything that matters. I've lost all my hope too.
And the biggest thing is, I lost Rob. That fucking kills.
Everything he ever told me that got me to some level of stability, self confidence. Gone.
Last time I EVER let a friend that close to my heart. It hurts too fucking much to lose them.
But if shit keeps getting worse, I won't have to worry.
About anything.
Everything is driving me fucking crazy. I lost one of my closest friends, who promised he'd never abandon me. He was there for me in my worst, my darkest days.And now one fight, which lead to two, which lead to three. Which lead to him being gone...Pretty much for good, because I won't and can't admit I'm wrong, because I'm not. People can arrive at different truths. Beliefs and philosophies are shaped by personal experience, not by stated facts. The fights got so nasty, and I doubt anyone has said half the horrible things he did to me before.
I almost lost my other close friend too, because of it. But she's a loyal friend, even if she doesn't agree with me all the time. She remembers that some things are more important than right or wrong.
As if that's not enough, things with me and Dan are going downhill. I'm pretty sure we're gonna break up soon, I'm sure a certain someone will be happy. It's making me fucking miserable. I don't trust much of anyone right now.
More than anything, I want to lay down and fall asleep, and not get up.
Everything is just too much to deal with.
I'm sick of trying. I'm sick of losing. I'm tired of being treated like shit and abandoned by the people I hold dear. My life is decaying and the future looks so hopeless...I don't want to be alive anymore. I've lost everything that matters. I've lost all my hope too.
And the biggest thing is, I lost Rob. That fucking kills.
Everything he ever told me that got me to some level of stability, self confidence. Gone.
Last time I EVER let a friend that close to my heart. It hurts too fucking much to lose them.
But if shit keeps getting worse, I won't have to worry.
About anything.