[private entry]
I been doing some thinking.
Went out last night. Was meant to go to Sunday Service with Sam but felt too… out of it. Come home an ended up stopping up all night mixin on my phones cos Claire was asleep like. Don’t see why I got to keep quiet, its my bloody house. Well. But yeah.
Thinking.
I think I need to break up with Dan.
It’s like ever since him and me… shit. I need to write this down to get it straight in my head but that’s the problem the words wont come evidently im thick or summat or scrambled my head with too much canin like Mandy did.
Ever since we started… whatever this is we started. I…
Its him right. Jonatton. Hes the reason Dan ran off to Oz an now hes shown up on here an hes sayin stuff to me and god whyd he turn up but then… him and Dan, talking to each other. There wasn’t a day gone by when Dan wasn’t calling that rag all the shit under the sun. Hated it. Hated it so much that… hates it so much, it gives him energy. Hates Yeah (imnot putting the fuckin ? jesus)
AH GOD I hate him. If id only of known. But close the door on the past right never look back only if you don’t look back tahts when it catches up and bites you in the arse.
So theyre talking on here. In comments like nice as pie. And Dan just saying to me he always said, he ran away because he never wanted to go abck there. Anything, just oh god Jones, don’t let me go back there. But now I’m scared he’ll go back there. Now I’m just. Just scared.
He says stuff to me JY an I just… answer back like a twat cos I get so panicky an I can never think of nothing proper clever to say back an he just winds me up so bad and I know if Dan read it im just shooting myself in the foot makin a tit of myself when I soudl just ignore him but GOD.
I dunno why its makin me feel so sick inside like proper sick terrified like I’m this little kid what can’t do anything about it. Makes me wanna just lash out and beat it down but then that’s the problem as well.
How longs Dan gonna stay interested in me for? What he even sees in me… yeah well I guess I can answer that, live a little id say don’t be so pathetic, scared to be happy. Scared to ahvea good tiem. And people always wanna be with the happy person don’t pretend I don’t know tahts why I always had so many mates so many girls comin onto me an that but then soon as you stop bein the happy one cos your worryin that your boyfriends gonna go off you when he realises this is it, this is all there is to me… how much do we have in common, really? Beer. What? Not even music. Shit kung fu films. Piss-takin all the stylie wankers. Sex. How longs that gonna last? Im 29 this year im goin grey I got eyebags like nobodys business. What happens then? He still gonna want to stay with me if I get old an fat? I don’t reckon so. What the fuck can I offer him? Loyalty? I proved that one tops when I snogged his sister. ARGH. I aint eloquent or smart or successful. Hes seduced by wit, by havin someone smart as him to bounce off - that’s what I love abouthim, read the stuff he comes out with an my mouth goes dry sometimes, makes me wanna be a better man. For him. God help me I love him. But I’m just me. An I can’t talk about Russian cinema or world politics with him. I can’t impress him like blokes like Jonatton do. I just play tunes an make a twat of myself an have a laugh.
SHIT this is why I hate this. Why the hell should I question myself? This aint me, whats me is - I’m fucking brilliant. All this bullshit about jobs and mortgages an one-upping the next suit on the conveyour belt - total toss. You create one perfct tune, one proper moment of transendance, theres your immortality right there. Not to mae people think, reflect on their shitty woe-is-me existence, to make people FEEL and getthem OUT of that prison for a few minutes. Pardon me if tahts more important.
I thought he like, understood that.
Jonattons always been there, between us. I see that now. And god now I regret makin that worse but at the time… stupid fuckin me. You hurt so you lash out an make it a GOOD one Jonesy, right to the crown jewels. I just want him to… go away. Just. Let me stop feelin like I’m interrupting summat. Like I don’t get the joke. Like ARGH he makes me doubt myself. That aint me.
I’m brilliant.
I can do anything. Me mum says so enough. So if I put my head behind it then I’ll think of summat to make it right yeah? Cos fucked if im gonna let this one go without a fight.
I guess I aint gonna ditch Dan yet. Just need to work out how to properly keep him.