Time to forget...
Well i havent put anything on this in ages mainly because i only started using it again so i could talk to Nicola alittle more, these days...I dont even really get to talk to her at all.The whole thing just sucks.
In typical fashion i couldnt just lose one thing ive got to lose nearly everything to the point i allmost have to start over :/ Just after Nik and i split i got kicked out of my house because my dad attacked me so i defended myself..He got a police escort to throw me out...fun stuff eh?
Well allthough i know this is useless...Maybe writing about this stuff will help?
I dont know if im just being over dramatic but i really feel crap about the way we ended...It could have been much less painful and maybe we'd have goten back together if we hadnt played mind games with each other.On Wednesday i met Nik and told her how i felt and i didnt want it to be over and it was as if i was fighting an uphill battle just to get her to see what i was saying.She ended up telling me it was never gonna happen and basicly i was to get over it.Then i got back and just went to the pub to kinda try and cheer myself up(maybe not the best of idea's xD)once i got back i layed into her pretty hard and still got nowhere.It sucks im just really sad to see it all fall apart even further :(
I mean before she left for the states we hung out and could have a laugh and we were begining to get better, then for this to happen now is like the biggest knife in the chest.I actuly planned on meeting her when she got back and taking her for lunch and asking her back out...So much for that, i try and make an attempt at showing her i was tryin to fix things and what happens? she disapears for nearly 3 days and doesnt bother tryin to tell me a single thing.Her reason for that? Claims she didnt know i felt like that xD I had told her quite a good few times just before she left for the states i still loved her and while she was there i told her i wanted to sort things once she got back.
Now my mind says surly if she didnt want to get back with me on Wednesday just there...The whole time in America she felt the same and probably could have told me and saved me alot of pain.But no. I get dragged through all this and now shes out doin her thing and havin a good time, which is fine. But im not. I cant enjoy myself. I cant stop thinking about the what could have been.I cant stop thinking about HER.And Nik if you ever read this...Dont think im sitting here really angry because im not. My whole life has broke down right in front of my eyes and im not just talkin about Nik (im not THAT bad:P) I've lost any kinda relationship with my dad,my best friend,my girlfriend. Im finding it alittle hard to deal.
I guess ill need to talk about why its bothering me so much.When i left America i left quite a trail.I lost my best friends in the whole world, my band, my girlfriend, my home , my life basicly got taken away from me. Being 16 at the time it was brutal to deal with, i couldnt to be quite honest.I didnt fuly get over it till i met Nik(POSIBLE SPOILERS!!!!>!?)
Nik helped me deal with that pain. I doubt she even knows it but she is the sole reason i can look back at that time and not feel like utter shit.Before her i carried it along using it as reasons not to do things or get close to people, or the huge one...Once i got close with someone, i destroy it all just because if i was going to lose someone i wanted it on my own terms. She showed me that i had alot here and as much as i thought id never have friends as close as Fro, Jesse and Shane...I did.I had her. I have to thank her for that.Another reason why i dont want to let go of Nik.
So that said im sitting here wondering what life will be like without her :/ I just hope that time will at least repair our friendship...but it probably wont. Jonas Renkse said it best "when you have noone, noone can hurt you"
So yeah before you think im about to jump off a bridge...well im not im fine.
Once i get my life sorted and back to doin stuff ill be fine.
I just didnt think id be doin this journey without Nik.
SOOOO tonight? Im goin to Danny Weir's bit to hang and whatnot so at least ive got that to take my mind off shit...But i keep thinkin what happens after that...Dammit i need to stop being so depressive! haha
Once things have panned out and im in college ill probably post another one of these rants.
For anyone that cares...Thanks for reading.
In typical fashion i couldnt just lose one thing ive got to lose nearly everything to the point i allmost have to start over :/ Just after Nik and i split i got kicked out of my house because my dad attacked me so i defended myself..He got a police escort to throw me out...fun stuff eh?
Well allthough i know this is useless...Maybe writing about this stuff will help?
I dont know if im just being over dramatic but i really feel crap about the way we ended...It could have been much less painful and maybe we'd have goten back together if we hadnt played mind games with each other.On Wednesday i met Nik and told her how i felt and i didnt want it to be over and it was as if i was fighting an uphill battle just to get her to see what i was saying.She ended up telling me it was never gonna happen and basicly i was to get over it.Then i got back and just went to the pub to kinda try and cheer myself up(maybe not the best of idea's xD)once i got back i layed into her pretty hard and still got nowhere.It sucks im just really sad to see it all fall apart even further :(
I mean before she left for the states we hung out and could have a laugh and we were begining to get better, then for this to happen now is like the biggest knife in the chest.I actuly planned on meeting her when she got back and taking her for lunch and asking her back out...So much for that, i try and make an attempt at showing her i was tryin to fix things and what happens? she disapears for nearly 3 days and doesnt bother tryin to tell me a single thing.Her reason for that? Claims she didnt know i felt like that xD I had told her quite a good few times just before she left for the states i still loved her and while she was there i told her i wanted to sort things once she got back.
Now my mind says surly if she didnt want to get back with me on Wednesday just there...The whole time in America she felt the same and probably could have told me and saved me alot of pain.But no. I get dragged through all this and now shes out doin her thing and havin a good time, which is fine. But im not. I cant enjoy myself. I cant stop thinking about the what could have been.I cant stop thinking about HER.And Nik if you ever read this...Dont think im sitting here really angry because im not. My whole life has broke down right in front of my eyes and im not just talkin about Nik (im not THAT bad:P) I've lost any kinda relationship with my dad,my best friend,my girlfriend. Im finding it alittle hard to deal.
I guess ill need to talk about why its bothering me so much.When i left America i left quite a trail.I lost my best friends in the whole world, my band, my girlfriend, my home , my life basicly got taken away from me. Being 16 at the time it was brutal to deal with, i couldnt to be quite honest.I didnt fuly get over it till i met Nik(POSIBLE SPOILERS!!!!>!?)
Nik helped me deal with that pain. I doubt she even knows it but she is the sole reason i can look back at that time and not feel like utter shit.Before her i carried it along using it as reasons not to do things or get close to people, or the huge one...Once i got close with someone, i destroy it all just because if i was going to lose someone i wanted it on my own terms. She showed me that i had alot here and as much as i thought id never have friends as close as Fro, Jesse and Shane...I did.I had her. I have to thank her for that.Another reason why i dont want to let go of Nik.
So that said im sitting here wondering what life will be like without her :/ I just hope that time will at least repair our friendship...but it probably wont. Jonas Renkse said it best "when you have noone, noone can hurt you"
So yeah before you think im about to jump off a bridge...well im not im fine.
Once i get my life sorted and back to doin stuff ill be fine.
I just didnt think id be doin this journey without Nik.
SOOOO tonight? Im goin to Danny Weir's bit to hang and whatnot so at least ive got that to take my mind off shit...But i keep thinkin what happens after that...Dammit i need to stop being so depressive! haha
Once things have panned out and im in college ill probably post another one of these rants.
For anyone that cares...Thanks for reading.