Running the voodoo down on the winners of the 2013 Grammys

[scottwoods]

I hate the Grammys for lots of reasons, and I could not bear to watch it again after a live blog session a couple of years ago almost killed me. I have, however, taken some pleasure in berating the results, mostly because it means I didn’t have to lose four hours of my life to develop an opinion.

So here are all of the winners from last night’s show, with notes by me.

- Album of the year: "Babel," Mumford & Sons.

Aside from the fact that Jack Black should have won (out of these nominees), I have to point out that every time I see this band’s name all I can hear is the theme to Sanford & Son.

- Record of the year: "Somebody That I Used to Know," Gotye featuring Kimbra.

I feel like this has been playing at every Bed Bath & Beyond in America for at least two years now.

- Song of the year: "We Are Young," fun.

Don’t get me wrong: it’s catchy. But is it the best song of the year? The whole year? I bet it’s not even the best song on their album (and if it is, fuck).

- New artist: fun.

So this is how Justin Beiber fans felt last year. Huh. I wonder if Frank ocean touched their hair after the show.

-Pop solo performance: "Set Fire to the Rain (Live)," Adele.

I would have given it to Adele without having heard the song based on her competition.

That she’s the best singer of these nominees don’t hurt.

-Pop vocal album: "Stronger," Kelly Clarkson.

Don’t care.

-Rock performance: "Lonely Boy," The Black Keys.

Too little, too late.

-Urban contemporary album: "Channel Orange," Frank Ocean.

This category only had three people in it and 2.5 of them shouldn’t have even been nominated This is one of the “new” categories they made after last year’s Slim Fast-ing of every category that usually has black people in it. This should have meant that it was a category filled to the brim with nominees. I mean, they didn’t even nominate people I hate, but who qualify here: Alicia Keys, Rihanna, Nicki Minaj, Usher...the shit goes on.

-Rap/sung collaboration: "No Church in the Wild," Jay-Z, Kanye West featuring Frank Ocean, The-Dream.

On the surface this is a song genetically designed to make me hate it from beginning to end. And yet, it’s competition was asleep, so whatever. I actually like this song for 20 seconds in car commercials, but I have never actually played it in my car for entertainment purposes.

-Country solo performance: "Blown Away," Carrie Underwood.

*blinking*

-Country album: "Uncaged," Zac Brown Band.

I don’t even know who else was in this category but I feel very comfortable sharing that I would have given this band the win simply because they serve food to fans before every show.

-Pop/duo group performance: "Somebody That I Used to Know," Gotye featuring Kimbra.

I suddenly want to buy a tight shirt.

-Traditional pop vocal album: "Kisses on the Bottom," Paul McCartney.

I suddenly want to kill myself.

-Rap performance: "N-WORDs in Paris," Jay-Z, Kanye West.

The next time someone complains to you about the number of times the word “nigger” appears in “Django Unchained”, point out how many times this song played on eth radio last year. Then punch them in the trachea with a slave shackle.

-Rap song: "N-WHAAAAAT???s in Paris," Shawn Carter, Mike Dean, Chauncey Hollis, Kanye West.

“No, no, no: it’s ‘NiggAAAAAs'” said every white frat boy to his black friend at every frat party last year.

-Rap album: "Take Care," Drake.

Rap categories have been garbage ever since they were created, but this category actually didn’t make me throw up in my mouth this year. I did throw up upon reading Drake took it, considering Nas has the superior record.

-R&B performance: "Climax," Usher.

Don’t care.

-Traditional R&B performance: "Love on Top," Beyonce.

Yawn.

-R&B song: "Adorn," Miguel Pimentel.

I was kind of hoping Janelle Monae would be the first person with that hairdo to win this award, but whatever. At least the song is okay.

-R&B album: "Black Radio," Robert Glasper Experiment.

I was surprised this was even nominated, let alone a winner. I accept this win. It portends good things for the future (and I didn’t like ANY of his competition. I usually freak for Anthony Hamilton every time, but this last album was his worst.)

-Rock song: "Lonely Boy," The Black Keys.

Glad they won, even if I dislike this last album altogether.

-Rock album: "El Camino," The Black Keys.

ibid.

-Hard rock/metal performance: "Love Bites (So Do I)," Halestorm.

Wouldn’t know.

-Alternative music album: "Making Mirrors," Gotye.

You wouldn’t even think this record would be on the same planet as a Bjork or Tom Waits record, let alone beating them, but in all fairness I only bought the Waits record last year out of this pile.

-Dance recording: "Bangarang," Skrillex featuring Sirah.

A crime.

-Dance/electronica album: "Bangarang," Skrillex.

A fucking crime. A song is one thing, but a whole album? FUCK YOU. There is so much electronic music released in any given year that this category is patently a joke. That most people who like electronic music (whatever that is this month) would knee-choke this guy on sight tells you everything you need to know about electronic music at the Grammys.

-Latin pop album: "MTV Unplugged Deluxe Edition," Juanes.

If you say so.

-Latin rock, urban or alternative album: "Imaginares," Quetzal.

If you say so.

-Latin jazz album: "Ritmo!," The Clare Fisher Latin Jazz Big Band.

Now, this one has a smattering of interest for me, as Clare Fisher (who recently passed away) is best known to Prince fans as “the guy who arranged Prince’s strings back when we still cared about Prince songs.”

-Tropical Latin album: "Retro," Marlow Rosado Y La Riquena.

This category makes me want to down drinks with umbrellas in them. I can practically taste this category. It has a hint of pineapple. Shit, now I’m hungry too.

-Country duo/group performance: "Pontoon," Little Big Town.

THAT’S not too obvious. (The title, not the win. I have no idea who this is save that they must really like pussy. For all I know they’re the 2 Live Crew of country music, with a title like that.)

-Country song: "Blown Away," Josh Kear, Chris Tompkins.

Whatever.

-Gospel song: "Go Get It," Mary Mary.

Whatever whatever.

-Gospel album: "Gravity," Lecrae.

I didn’t even go to church last year, so I’m in no position to judge.

-Blues album: "Locked Down," Dr. John.

This is the part where I rail against whatever gods are left to stop tipping their hat to this man just because he has a bigger hat, but then I didn’t listen to any of the other nominees either, so *tip*.

-Folk album: "The Goat Rodeo Sessions," Yo-Yo Ma, Stuart Duncan, Edgar Meyer, Chris Thile.

Any folk album featuring Yo-Yo is a No-No.

-Americana album: "Slipstream," Bonnie Raitt.

I don’t even know what this category means, and I don’t care enough to Wikipedia it to make a better joke.

-Bluegrass album: "Nobody Knows You," Steep Canyon Rangers.

SCR over the Grascals? BULLSHIT.
(Just kidding. I have no idea who any of these people are.)

-Reggae album: "Rebirth," Jimmy Cliff.

Tough category filled with real heavyweights (once you take Sean Paul out). Nobody loses here, everybody wins. Ganja all around, mon.

-World music album: "The Living Room Sessions Part 1," Ravi Shankar.

Against Hugh Masekela? Alright, man.

-Children's album: "Can You Canoe?," The Okee Dokee Brothers.

You already know how I feel about children. Multiply that emotion by one hundred for the singers of children’s music. Then give that emotion a pitchfork and some gasoline. Then run.

-Spoken word album: "Society's Child: My Autobiography," Janis Ian.

They should change this category to what it really is: “Best Book nobody Read, Read Out Loud.”

-Comedy album: "Blow Your Pants Off," Jimmy Fallon.

FUCK YOU. Any year that there’s a Lewis Black record and he doesn’t get the Grammy is suspect. In a year when he loses it to Jimmy The Fuck Fallon? You can just go FUCK YOU.

New age album: "Echoes of Love," Omar Akram.

The joke here is that there is a New Age music category.

-Jazz vocal album: "Radio Music Society," Esperanza Spalding.

TOUCH MY HAIR NOW, JUSTIN.

-Jazz instrumental album: "Unity Band," Pat Metheny Unity Band.

How Chick Corea gon’ have two albums in this category and neither one of them win? TRY HARDER, CHICK.

-Large jazz ensemble album: "Dear Diz (Every Day I Think of You)," Arturo Sandoval.

I’m cool with this.

-Pop instrumental album: "Impressions," Chris Botti.

What I need you to understand is that this award isn’t filed under Jazz; it’s filed under Pop. That pretty much tells you everything you need to know about the trajectory of jazz artist Chris Botti.

Compilation soundtrack album: "Midnight in Paris," various artists.

When most of the movies last year sucked I don’t really care about their soundtracks (though you have to admit it was pretty slick of somebody to find a way to get Bob Marley songs in the mix for the 100th time).

-Score soundtrack album: "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo," Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross.

Trent Reznor beats John Williams, Howard Shore AND Hans Zimmer? Fucking Hans Zimmer, yo? Off of THAT soundtrack? Riiiiight.

-Song written for visual media: "Safe & Sound" (From "The Hunger Games"), Taylor Swift, John Paul White, Joy Williams.

All I know is it’s a song from a film I despised, which means I probably hated  the music and just wasn’t aware of it because it was buried underneath all of my residual hatred for the source material. Congratulations!

-Musical theater album: "Once: A New Musical," Steve Kazee, Cristin Milioti.

Shrug.

Producer of the year, classical: Blanton Alspaugh.

Oh yeah, Alspaugh fucking rocks, yo. (Shrug.)

Producer of the year, non-classical: Dan Auerbach.

I like the Black Keys too, but come on.

-Instrumental composition: "Mozart Goes Dancing," Chick Corea.

THERE you go, Chick!

-Orchestral performance: "Adams: Harmonielehre & Short Ride in a Fast Machine," Michael Tilson Thomas (San Francisco Symphony).

(Me making the sign of a hand zipping over the head.)

-Opera recording: "Wagner, Der Ring des Nibelungen," James Levine and Fabio Luisi.

Seriously, I didn’t listen to any of these nominees this year so I can’t speak on it. I normally have an honest-to-God opinion on at least two opera nominees each year. Not this time.

-Choral performance: "Life & Breath: Choral Works by Rene Clausen," Charles Bruffy.

Don’t care. Don’t like choral music, and yes, I have listened to enough of it to have an informed opinion.

-Short-form music video: "We Found Love," Rihanna featuring Calvin Harris.

I am genetically predisposed to abort anything Rihanna related out of my system. My body has ways of shutting that shit down.

-Long-form music video: "Big Easy Express," Mumford & Sons.

“In this episode, Lamont  tries to find a way to convince Fred that it’s not the Ripple that’s getting weaker, but his liver.”

-Historical album: "The Smile Sessions" (Deluxe Box Set), Alan Boyd, Mark Linett, Brian Wilson, Dennis Wolfe.
Hopefully this will satisfy all of the fucking hippies and we can stop acting like everyone who actually likes this shit hasn’t had a bootleg of it for the last 30 years anyway.