A + B = You will probably get a comment from me
There is a philosophy - well, really more of a thought - that I utilize that has helped me a lot. It is a good thought and I firmly believe that if I had a full grasp of it a long time ago I’d have a different relationship with a lot of people than I do today, especially poets. It is a thought that I had to learn to put in the forefront of my mind first as an organizer, but quickly discovered was an asset in many other areas of my life. It is not an absolute theory, but it is true enough often enough to warrant prioritization.
To wit: I act like the person on the other side of an issue has the best interest of the issue at heart.
I may disagree with you, or I may think you have bad information, or I may find your tone out of pocket, but I will try to think this thought as I absorb what you are saying until you prove otherwise to be the case. It keeps me out of trouble for the most part, and at the end of a debate I find I can walk away without having razed a relationship to the ground.
This is not to say that it is a perfect or always-applied philosophy - I don’t always have it in place and naturally this thesis discounts hustlers and unrepentant assholes. There are things I feel strongly about that will fire me up no matter how they’re approached (weathermen, politician talk, awards shows, etc.). But in the end I try to maintain that the person on the other end of the argument genuinely holds value at a level resembling my own relative to whatever we’re discussing. I maintain that you care about poetry, for instance, even though you want to, say, have handpicked professional judges at slams, or whatever. You’re not evil, but we don’t agree, and I try to argue against your view with the understanding that you still care about poetry at the end of the discussion.
But let me get to my real point.
I am not sharing all of this so that you know why we aren’t fighting or why our conversation is going so well despite our differences or why you haven’t heard anything from me on a particular issue. Quite the opposite: I am sharing this information to point out why, despite this philosophy, I am likely kicking you in the nuts in some debate or posting really bad things about you on the internet or otherwise raising hell in your direction. My default position isn’t to argue; it is to sit back and play Playstation and eat Dill Pickle Pringles. If you have my hackles up, then nine times out of ten you have done or said something to make me put down a game controller and start typing mean words. And in most cases I give you a head start by not being the first person to post to whatever you presented.
See, I have to believe that you have the best interest of what we’re talking about at heart because if I don’t, then that means I believe you are tearing down something I care deeply about. Or you present dangerous ideas that could have negative real world consequences. Or you have offended me. Or you are presenting an idea so diametrically opposed to what I believe in such a way that I cannot restrain myself. Or you have spread a mistruth in such a way that it affects some shit I am trying to do.
I don’t look for fights, and I don’t have a hit list of people I will always have a fight with. I’ve let plenty of debate haymakers pass by over the years that I could have responded to with a fervor that would have made the target stop typing for fear that I would show up to their house with a DVD of The Human Centipede and a roll of duct tape in hand.
I’ve been kicking the need to say all of this around in my head for a few weeks, ever since a poet asked me online (paraphrase) “Why do we only talk when we’re arguing?” I had an answer, but I felt I had to find a way to share the reason publicly because it’s unfair to some of the people and issues I opt to engage, even if posting stuff publicly is an open invitation to dissent. If someone is going to take you to task, you should at least know where they’re coming from if you’re going to actually entertain it for any length of time or with any earnest effort. And a lot of people know OF me, but we don’t hang out or talk on the phone or kick it at events.* So I don’t expect everybody I end up with in a debate to come up with this on their own. They wouldn’t in a hundred Facebook updates, and that’s not fair on my part.
So I feel like I need to put this sentiment out there so that you know how seriously I take what some of you say, not because I like writing long emails or arguing or because I hate you. It is because you have said or done something that made me stop thinking you no longer had the best interest of what we’re talking about at heart. When my perception of you is that you have intersected a grievous act (A) with something I care about (B), then I pull out motherfucking (C).
So, again: A+B = you will probably get a comment from me.
If you do A+B and you don’t get a comment from me then I either feel you’re spinning wheels on a tired issue, trying to get me to comment, or I think even less of you than I feel like sharing.
Thanks for reading. It wasn’t easy to say, but it needed to be said so that if nothing else, when I am speaking to any of you in an unpleasant manner, you will know why.
~ S.
* (It still amazes me who I’ve known for years that still hasn’t seen me perform a poem, and honestly? If you haven’t heard me do a poem then you haven’t seen what I believe in action…you haven’t seen ME. I don’t have a lot of genuine, call-me-for-a-last-dollar type of friends that haven’t ever seen me read a poem, it’s that important to who and what I am. There are a few, but not many. It’s so important that this is true no matter what poem I’m sharing.)