(no subject)
i used to know where the line was. where something i thought was funny wasn't anymore. can someone try to understand how horrible it is to have to weigh out every action you're taking and still, no matter what the decision is, never know if it was the right thing to do? Nothing feels complete. I can't stop crying. every time i leave the room to go to mine, it's to cry. it comes in spurts. for no reason. i have this level of anxiety that won't go away. It's like being at the peak of a wave and never coming down. for a little bit it's exhilarating. then oh my god you just want off the wave. you want to feel like your feet are actually on the ground. like something is solid in your life. like someone will be constant. i lost my footing when you weren't my constant for a couple days. that's not even true. i lost it months ago. do you know what it's like to actually be aware of the abnormalness in your head? to feel the change actually taking place. i woke up crying two nights ago. like i opened my eyes and i was in the middle of a sob. i'm losing control. i can't see anything in my future. it's almost like i assume i won't get there. all of you are moving past me. and i'm standing still. and i'm crying. but no one is here to see it so it almost doesn't seem real. if no one knows your secret then it's not a secret. it just doesn't exist. i thought home would clear something up in my head. i'm running out of ideas.
i laid in my bed asking them why. they said they'd tell me later. the second time i didn't ask why. because the reason will never be good enough. i'd rather not know and not have to go on for 80 more years figuring it out. the question isn't why. it's is it worth it either way.
HOW DID I TURN INTO THIS? I WASN'T THIS PERSON TWO YEARS AGO. WHAT HAPPENED THAT MADE THINGS GO SO HORRIBLY WRONG IN MY HEAD?
but this means nothing. because i won't act like it is something. and neither will you. i'll still be who everyone is used to seeing. i'll laugh. i'll tease. i'll make a snide remark.
the reality is that nothing will ever change. people are who they are. they are predictable. that person in your life that never made you feel like you were their number one, never will. the person that treats you like their number one, will never be yours. the game of life is trying to change people into what you want them to be. i'm trying to make you better, while you're trying to make me better and he's trying to make us all better.
I DON'T WANT TO BE BETTER
and i don't want to try to make anyone better.
be you. be with people that love YOU.
but it's impossible isn't it? because you will meet people that you will form bonds with, and you'll want them to be just a little different, and you'll subconsciously try to change them. i do it. you do it. we all do it.
three people (SAD) have been in my life that i don't think i've tried to change. or if i have, they've withstood it. and i fucking need you right now. i need one of you to grab my hand and tell me it's going to be ok. i know it could be worse. anything can be worse. but this is all new to me. this is the worst it's been for me.
i never mean to be a bother. i don't want to ask for help. but i'm starting to get scared. really scared. i've exhausted all my options. it's not something i can express in words. although i just tried.
i don't know what else to say. i've put this off for long enough. i feel like i'm fighting a vietnam war inside myself and no one's winning. we're all just losing.
i don't want this to be another one of my fucking boxed thoughts. those were fake. this feels real. but i'm sorry if it comes off the same exact way those did. i don't want to be this person. this pain in the ass, intolerable friend who gets upset when one of you doesn't feel like going to lunch with me.
GOD DAMMIT. i dont want to be that person. i really fucking don't. please believe me.
i hope you saw it in my face the other day when i realized how i had reacted and shook it off.
i'm trying to change myself now. that seems like the most pointless venture i've ever considered. but i still want to. and i'm still trying. for me. for you. for us.
i'm trying.
can't you see that?
i laid in my bed asking them why. they said they'd tell me later. the second time i didn't ask why. because the reason will never be good enough. i'd rather not know and not have to go on for 80 more years figuring it out. the question isn't why. it's is it worth it either way.
HOW DID I TURN INTO THIS? I WASN'T THIS PERSON TWO YEARS AGO. WHAT HAPPENED THAT MADE THINGS GO SO HORRIBLY WRONG IN MY HEAD?
but this means nothing. because i won't act like it is something. and neither will you. i'll still be who everyone is used to seeing. i'll laugh. i'll tease. i'll make a snide remark.
the reality is that nothing will ever change. people are who they are. they are predictable. that person in your life that never made you feel like you were their number one, never will. the person that treats you like their number one, will never be yours. the game of life is trying to change people into what you want them to be. i'm trying to make you better, while you're trying to make me better and he's trying to make us all better.
I DON'T WANT TO BE BETTER
and i don't want to try to make anyone better.
be you. be with people that love YOU.
but it's impossible isn't it? because you will meet people that you will form bonds with, and you'll want them to be just a little different, and you'll subconsciously try to change them. i do it. you do it. we all do it.
three people (SAD) have been in my life that i don't think i've tried to change. or if i have, they've withstood it. and i fucking need you right now. i need one of you to grab my hand and tell me it's going to be ok. i know it could be worse. anything can be worse. but this is all new to me. this is the worst it's been for me.
i never mean to be a bother. i don't want to ask for help. but i'm starting to get scared. really scared. i've exhausted all my options. it's not something i can express in words. although i just tried.
i don't know what else to say. i've put this off for long enough. i feel like i'm fighting a vietnam war inside myself and no one's winning. we're all just losing.
i don't want this to be another one of my fucking boxed thoughts. those were fake. this feels real. but i'm sorry if it comes off the same exact way those did. i don't want to be this person. this pain in the ass, intolerable friend who gets upset when one of you doesn't feel like going to lunch with me.
GOD DAMMIT. i dont want to be that person. i really fucking don't. please believe me.
i hope you saw it in my face the other day when i realized how i had reacted and shook it off.
i'm trying to change myself now. that seems like the most pointless venture i've ever considered. but i still want to. and i'm still trying. for me. for you. for us.
i'm trying.
can't you see that?