Fic: Absolution (Sirius/Regulus)
Title: Absolution
Pairing: Sirius/Regulus
Rating: R, for incest and sex... and language
WC: 10,102
Warnings: Incest, sex, language, a tiny tiny bit AU in terms of other canon things - the Marauders know where Lily and James' house is in Godric's Hollow.
Summary: Sirius wants to reconcile with Regulus, and is at a crossroads in his own life, not quite sure where it's going to take him. When Regulus comes to him and asks to stay with him for a while, who is he to say no? What follows is something that will be remembered as the best summer in his life - and along the way, could he find that absolution he's been looking for? (Set in the summer of 1977. Sirius is 18, Regulus is 16.)
This is a gift fic for: saras_girl who challenged me to write this, and has just been completely and totally awesome. =) Thanks for making me write my first smut, Nat! And for being there. <3 (She also came up with the title! Much love!)
*~*~*
Summer, 1977
There wasn't a time when Sirius Black was happier than when he was riding his motorbike. There just wasn't a substitute for the feeling of the engine revving under him, or the sheer power as the bike carried him along. Whether he be on the ground or in the air, the feeling of exhilaration was always present, the sensation coursing through his veins. As of right now, he was ground-ridden, and was sufficiently enjoying the feel of asphalt beneath the tires. There was just a feeling there that you didn't get when flying through the air - there wasn't any traction on the tires, you see. Sirius could see why the muggles liked to travel like this - it was fast, it was fun, and most of all, it felt... free.
Freedom was something he had always strived for. He'd left home two years ago, when he was sixteen, and had moved in with his best mate, James and his parents. The Potters were a wonderfully nice lot, and had taken him in immediately, with almost no questions asked. In response, he'd been blasted off the bloody family tree. The thought brought a smirk to his lips as he imagined his mother's enraged face as she pointed her wand, gripped in her disgustingly bony hands, at the drawing and fired. He only wished he had been there to see it - it would have been one of the proudest moments in his life, he was sure.
As he raced along the streets, the wind whipping his hair into his mouth and in front of his goggles, Sirius eyed his surroundings. It had been two years, but he still knew his way around this area better than he knew the back of his own hand. He was nearing civilization now, and would probably have to slow down - something he wasn't too keen on doing. But muggle coppers were scary. Well, and hilarious to play around with when a boy was bored, but that was beside the point, now, wasn't it?
One of the few things that Sirius regretted about leaving home was leaving his brother behind. As their parents had never been particularly...parental.... Regulus had seemed to look up to Sirius when they were growing up. But as they'd grown older, and their parents had realized what a failure Sirius was turning out to be, they had focused their attention more on the younger of the two. They trained him in the pureblood traditions, forced their beliefs into his head to a degree that should have been considered abuse. It made him sick to his stomach just thinking about it, and he'd fought them tooth and nail. However, when he'd left home that night, there was something in Regulus' eyes that told him that it was too late for him. A cold, betrayed glint. One that stayed with Sirius even now as he rounded the corner, and he had Grimmauld Place in sight.
He slowed to a stop, the bike sputtering slightly. The engine continued to rumble under his form as he steered it over to one of the side streets and parked it. He took a quick look around, then took his wand out of his pocket and tapped the bike once, rendering it invisible. He slipped the key into his jean pocket, and started briskly down the sidewalk towards his childhood home. If you could call it a home, anyway - it was barely that. Even the house elf hated him! What sort of home was that?
Even now, Sirius couldn't shake the slight sense of dread that was slowly ebbing its way into his stomach. That was stupid. He had no reason to be afraid of this place now, he reasoned as he made his way towards the front steps. The only reason that he was even returning to this terrible memory was for Regulus. He was worried about him - he was sixteen by now, after all, and although they'd spoken briefly in letters and things, they hadn't had very much contact in the last two years. He found himself almost nervous, and slowed his pace slightly. It had been ages since his footsteps had been heard on the stone steps of this place. He was already starting to think better of this decision to suddenly come and see Regulus like this, but he'd heard that their parents were out of town, and he couldn't pass up the opportunity. He had to make sure that he was alright. He felt... somewhat responsible for the way that his brother turned out, in a way.
He shuffled a little on the doorstep, trying to assure himself that he had no reason to feel this way at all. He was Sirius Black - he was supposed to be confident and aloof. This sort of thinking wasn't his nature at all, and so he did his best to banish it from his mind, drawing himself up to his full height as he reached out a hand to rap his knuckles against the door. Almost immediately, it opened on its own to reveal the long hallway that sometimes still haunted his dreams. Right. In we go, then, he thought to himself, taking a step inside. As soon as he was through the door, it shut soundly behind him with a noise that echoed off the walls. The house seemed... oddly empty, without his parents there. Even when out of sight, he could remember always feeling their presence, but now - nothing. It was a calm, eerie feeling, and it set the hairs of his neck to standing on end.
As he walked, his shoes made soft scuffling noises on the hardwood floor, and it seemed that he was a lone with his footsteps. Suddenly though, as he neared the stairway onto the next story, he heard a sound off to the side, from the stairwell leading down into the kitchens. Bugger. He quickened his pace, taking the following steps two at a time, disappearing just in time to catch a flash of Kreacher's floppy ears as he emerged from the small space. Not wanting to stick around and have a friendly little chat with the neighborhood vermin, Sirius quickly moved onto the landing, and then to the next set of stairs. If he was right, and if Regulus was anything like he was two years ago, he would be in his bedroom. Assuming he hadn't moved rooms, that was on the uppermost floor, and by the time he reached that landing, Sirius had to admit he was feeling a bit winded. Sure he was active enough, often flying about and playing quidditch, but aside from keeping himself steady on the broom and his bike, his legs didn't get quite the workout that they used to. It wasn't until he stopped, hand poised to knock on his brother's door, that he realized he could have simply apparated. Merlin, sometimes he swore he was so used to doing things the muggle way he'd forgotten how to be a proper wizard! Well - at least he knew how he'd be getting down the stairs.
He knocked, once, and waited for a response from the other side of the closed door. It came a moment later, and he immediately recognized Regulus' voice, though it had deepened considerably since the last time they'd spoken. “I've already told you, Kreacher, I'm not hungry-” The door was almost flung open, and Sirius was soon staring face to face with someone that he hardly recognized. Regulus' eyes, darker than his own, flashed with anger, but he wasn't looking at Sirius' face - he was looking down, having obviously expected someone of a lesser stature to be at his door.
Sirius watched the look in his sibling's eyes transition from irritation to confusion, and as his gaze traveled up and their eyes locked, from confusion to recognition. From there, they abruptly hardened into a cool, refined expression. Abruptly the unguarded look on his features was abandoned, replaced by an expression of polished disdain. Sirius felt his breath catch in his throat the moment those dark eyes met his. Regulus had grown up, that was for certain. His hair had grown, dark as ever, and curling just below his ears to frame his face, which was somewhat thinner than his own. More elegant, in a sense, whereas Sirius' features reflected his own boyish nature.
He blinked, taking a slight step back, giving his brother a once-over with his eyes. He looked healthy enough, but why was he- oh. He was waiting for him to speak. “You look good,” he offered slowly, accompanied by a smile. The same smile that melted the hearts of countless girls - and guys too, to come down to it.
“Why are you here?” There was almost a cutting edge to Regulus' tone as he spoke, and the same icy glint in his eye as before. He was regarding Sirius with his head tilted up slightly, looking down on him even though he was at least an inch and a half shorter. Had it not been who it was, Sirius would have been enraged. But he knew Regulus - or he was fairly confident that he did - and he knew their parents, and the sort of raising he would have had to endure.
“I came to check up on you,” he replied honestly, tucking some of his own unruly, nearly-shoulder-length dark hair behind an ear.
“Well, as you can see, I'm fine. So I think you can take your leave - or shall I summon Kreacher and have him show you the way out?” Sirius tried his best not to be stung by his words - after all, there wasn't a doubt in his mind that he deserved them. He'd abandoned him. Left him at the mercy of their parents. Or, given the fact that Sirius had apparently been disowned, he probably should have started referring to them as his parents, at this point.
“Reg, you gotta believe me; I had to get out of here. It was suffocating me.” Sirius tried to plead with him, his tone slightly hushed. He'd been lucky so far in that the rest of the house had seemed to be quiet about his being here, but he knew if he was discovered by Kreacher, any hope of maintaining that secrecy would be lost.
“I'm not going to argue with you, Sirius.” Regulus tilted his head again, and Sirius couldn't keep the thought out of his head that he looked more like his father now than he ever had.“I asked you to leave.” He was making it perfectly clear that he was the man of the house now - Sirius had already had that chance, and passed it up. Tossed it out the window was more like it.
“Alright.... Fine. I'm glad to see you well,” he muttered, ducking his head. There was a crack, and then he was gone, leaving Regulus to stare blankly at the space where his brother had just been. Sirius wasn't one to give up that easily though - there was something... off. But there was also that small spark in his eye. The Regulus that he'd left behind was still in there somewhere, and it gave him courage. He would bring out the boy in Regulus again, he vowed to himself as he released the vanishing spell on the bike and fastened his helmet on. He'd do it if it was the last thing that he did.
*~*~*
“Those were the best days of my life!” Sirius had never been one to keep in tune when he sang, and such was true now. The sun was high, beating down on he and his friends as they lounged on the grass in Lily and James' new back yard in Godric's Hollow. They were damn proud of their new home, and Sirius would say they had a right to be. It was perfect for them - in a safe wizarding community, and they were happy. That was all anyone could ask for, really. And hey; they all had a place to get together and hang out now that wasn't James' family's house, where they'd usually all had to crowd into one room. This was a much better alternative.
“Must you?” Remus' tone was exasperated, but there was a playful glint in his eyes that Sirius recognized.
“You're just jealous of my amazing singing skills, Moony,” he shot back lightheartedly, flopping onto his back in the grass. His dark hair splayed over the green blades, and he closed his eyes, letting the sun warm his face as the rest of the group laughed. It almost felt like school again - everyone was here. Except Peter. Sirius wasn't sure where in the world he'd gotten to, recently, but had just assumed that he'd gotten busy. After all, graduating from school generally meant going to work. An example that all of his mates had followed, except him. Sirius was a free spirit. He was of the belief that he would get a job when he was damn well ready to. He just had to find the right one first.
“Paired with your good looks and your miraculous singing voice, the birds of the world are in big trouble,” Lily remarked with a grin. The redhead had never been part of their group, really, but once James had finally snagged her heart, she'd seemed to fit right in. Sirius loved her, really, almost like a sister that he'd never had. She was just as wild and fun as any of them, if not more sensible. Remus identified with her love of books, and James was madly in love with her, so he claimed. He appeared to be serious about it, anyway. Really, Sirius couldn't ask for friends any better than this.
“Oi!” Sirius cracked an eye to find James pouting and wrapping his arms around Lily's waist. “Not telling me I have competition are you?” He whined, and Lily ruffled his hair before pushing him away playfully, and his glasses slipped off his nose. Lily laughed and rolled her eyes, and Sirius smiled. He wondered if he'd ever find someone that made him that happy - it would be nice.
Later on, once the sun had made its slow retreat into the western horizon and was about to sink beyond the curve of the earth, and Remus had already taken his leave - “Have to go to work,” he'd said apologetically - Sirius found himself sitting on the rug in Lily and James' living room, with a beer bottle in his hand. They'd wound down considerably, and were sitting in silence, just enjoying the company. The pair were lying on the sofa, Lily resting comfortably against James' chest, a glass of wine held in her delicate hands.
This was the sort of lifestyle for them, Sirius found himself thinking as he watched them. A neighborhood, maybe the starting of a family... It was something they both deserved, more than anyone he'd ever known. And they fit right into that image of normality. He lifted the bottle to his lips, and along with the soft buzzing in the back of his mind came thoughts of Regulus. It had been almost a week now since he'd confronted him. He was curious as to how he was getting on - no doubt their parents were back by now. Sirius could only hope that whatever pressure they were applying to him, that it wouldn't break his little brother's fighting spirit. It was still in there - he'd glimpsed it, just before he left. Just that little spark in his eye. He still wasn't clear on how he was going to bring it out of him, but he was certain that he could. It was just a matter of getting the right opportunity.
“-Padfoot?”
Sirius blinked, his grey eyes shifting from the maroon and gold material of the rug up to James' face. The fading light from the window reflected in his glasses, but it was evident that he'd been saying something before. “Sorry, what?”
“You just looked sad, is all. Something up?” His fingers were trailing through Lily's hair gently, the copper strands sliding across his skin easily.
“Oh.... Yeah.” Sirius ran his own hand through his hair, taking another sip of beer before continuing. “It's not really anything. I saw Regulus the other day, that's all.”
“Your brother?” He'd gained Lily's interest. She turned her head towards him, regarding him with inquisitive green eyes.
“Mhm.” He fingered the label on the bottle, suddenly finding it quite interesting. It was peeling slightly, and he occupied himself with picking at that little corner. “I went to check on him. Wanted to see how he's been getting on since I left,” he elaborated. “He looked....different. More grown up. Like my parents, actually.” His laugh sounded rough even to his own ears. “They've shaped and molded him into their perfect little pawn.” He hadn't meant to sound so bitter - the tone his voice had taken surprised even him, and he looked down sheepishly, setting the bottle on the rug beside him.
“You can't blame yourself, mate.” James' voice was sympathetic as it reached his ears.
“James is right - you said it yourself when you moved in with him. You had to leave,” Lily added softly, flashing him a little smile. “If you hadn't, you would have been their chess piece.”
“Better me than Reg,” he responded, anger growing inside him. Not at Lily or James, but himself, for abandoning Regulus when he'd obviously need him most. Betraying him, and leaving him to their parents' mercy. He almost growled at himself as he stood up quickly, his beer bottle forgotten on the floor. “Sorry - I've got to go.”
“Pads-”
“I'll firecall you later. Thanks for the beer.”
*~*~*
3:33 am.
That was the time the digital clock - a wonderful invention by the muggles, if he did say so himself - on Sirius' night table read when he awoke that morning. There had been a noise that had startled him from his slumber. He was sitting up, and rubbing the sleep away from his groggy eyes as he registered that there was rain hitting his window. It was probably just thunder, he mused as he swung his legs over the side of the bed and got up.
After he'd graduated school, Sirius had taken the money that his Uncle Alphard had given him and bought a relatively small flat just outside of London. In a wizarding area, of course - he couldn't be bothered to have to hide his magic all the time from muggles. And it made it easier if he ever found a job; the commute wouldn't be very long.
As he made his way into the kitchen to grab the milk jug, he heard that noise again. The same one that had woken him up, and it certainly wasn't thunder. It took a moment for his sleepy mind to process the information that his ears were trying desperately to convey to him - someone was knocking at his door. At 3:33 in the morning. Abandoning the hopes of milk, Sirius went quickly to the door and unlocked it, opening it up. The look of confusion on his face only deepened at the sight before him.
It was certainly Regulus, but a very different one than he'd met with the week before. This one was drenched, for one thing, his dark hair slicked to his forehead and clothes sticking to his skin. He had bags under his eyes that Sirius didn't remember seeing before, and he looked completely and utterly... lost. “Reg...?”
Regulus looked down, an arm crossed over his chest, clinging to his other arm in a clearly defensive, unconscious movement. “They said I could find you here... Said it was your place... I didn't mean to disturb you - Can I come in?” It wasn't as if he would have said no, but the look on Regulus' face just then when he looked up, eyes pleading, made Sirius immediately step back and let him come inside.
“Wait here,” Sirius instructed, pushing back his own strong desire to start popping questions immediately in favor of hurrying back into his bedroom and grabbing a towel, a long-sleeved shirt and a pair of dark cotton pajama pants. He wouldn't have him freezing, after all.
Pressing the garments into Regulus' hands, Sirius allowed his eyes to rake over his brother's slightly smaller frame again, taking in the way that he was standing, and the way that he was shivering. Something had happened to him, and he longed to know just what that was, but for now... He needed to get dry. “Bedroom is the last door on the left,” he said, pointing down the hallway. “You can get dressed in there.” Regulus nodded mutely and pushed past him, leaving a dripping trail all the way down the hall.
While he was getting dressed, Sirius grabbed his slightly rusty kettle, filled it with water, and set it on the stove. He figured that at this point, he was going to have to have a good talk with Regulus - catch up and all that. Maybe find out what was bothering him, but if his brother was anything like he used to be, that part of it was going to be easier said than done. He always had been a little on the secretive side, and now that they'd drifted apart... Well. It might be a bit tougher than before to get something out of him.
It was a few moments later that Regulus came walking into the kitchen. The clothes were slightly too big for him, in length, but otherwise fit quite well. “I put my wet clothes in your laundry basket,” he said quietly. “Hope that's alright.”
Sirius just nodded, and motioned for the dark-headed boy to take a seat at the small, round table. He leaned over and grabbed the latest copy of the Prophet off of the tabletop, tossing it haphazardly onto the counter before taking a seat himself. Regulus' body language was completely opposite to what he'd seen previously - cool confidence had been replaced with insecurity. His imposing stature had been completely forgotten as he curled up on the seat, fiddling with the left sleeve of the shirt. He looked tired - exhausted, even, and it was all he could do to bite back the question hovering at the tip of his tongue. He was saved, thankfully, by the kettle as it whistled loudly.
Sirius jumped up, and set about preparing two cups of tea, setting one steaming cup down in front of his brother a moment later. He pushed the little bowl of sugar cubes towards him, and grabbed the milk out of the fridge, passing that over as well once he was finished. For the next few moments, the boys were occupied in stirring and fixing their tea to their liking, and once that was done, they found themselves in an awkward silence. They filled that with the clinking of china as they sipped on their hot drinks.
“Your flat is nice,” Regulus commented eventually, finally breaking the uncomfortable silence between them.
“Thanks,” Sirius replied with a smile. He really was proud of it - it was the first thing he could remember, besides his broom, being able to actually call his. “...Look, Reggie, I'm not going to beat around the bush - It's driving me absolutely mental,” he started with a sigh, running his fingers through his bedridden hair. “What in Merlin's name happened to you?”
Regulus shifted uncomfortably in his seat, pale, slender fingers tightening slightly on the cup. He was concentrating solely on the steam rising from his drink, his eyes lidded heavily with exhaustion. “I can't say,” he murmured. “Mum and dad think I'm visiting Cissy.” Sirius couldn't help the slight curl of his lip when his cousin was mentioned, but hid it behind his tea. Obviously, from the affectionate nickname, Regulus was close to her.
“You can stay here,” Sirius offered after a moment. “As long as you need to. I don't mind.” He could almost see the other boy's shoulders sag with relief before he drained the rest of his tea. He'd stopped shivering by this point, but was still fiddling with the edge of his left sleeve, every once in a while rubbing his hand over his arm, almost like something was hurting him.
“Thank you...” The words were almost said in a whisper, but Sirius heard them. He stood, gathering their dishes and putting them in the sink to wash up later. A glance toward the clock on the wall told him that it was nearing five in the morning, and he for one, was knackered. And by the looks of it, so was Regulus.
“I've only got one bed,” he admitted, scratching his head and covering his mouth to stifle a yawn. “You're welcome to share it with me if you like - the sofa is kinda hard. Haven't gotten around to getting a new one. Mrs. Potter donated that one, and I swear it's absolutely ancient...” he trailed off, watching as Regulus almost dragged himself out of his chair and headed back towards the bedroom, looking like he was going to fall over at any moment.
Sirius watched after him worriedly for a moment, waiting until he'd disappeared into the room before following him, the lights turning out of their own accord as he walked down the hallway. When he reached the room, he could already make out his brother's form, just a little lump and hair splayed out across his pillow. A sudden, unexpected surge of affection welled up inside of Sirius at that moment, and he silently vowed that he would fix what he'd done. He was his big brother; it was his job to fix him.
That night, with the two brothers curled up back to back, not touching one another, both slept more fitfully than either of them had in a long time. Despite the definite sense of there'ssomethingwronghere, there was also a familiar feeling, one that seemed to set both of them completely at ease, although they didn't know it. It felt good to have someone near again.
*~*~*
As per usual, Sirius didn't roll out of bed until it was almost noon. He probably looked terrible as he shuffled into the kitchen, yawning widely and hiding it behind his hand. He blinked. There was someone sitting at his table. Who-? Oh. Memories of the previous night came flooding back to him, and he stood there in the doorway for a moment, just watching Regulus munch on a piece of toast, still dressed in Sirius' clothing, and read the newest issue of the Prophet.
“Good morning,” He greeted after a moment, walking past him to grab a bowl from the top cabinet to fix himself some cereal.
“Morning,” was Regulus' soft reply as he scanned over the front page of the paper, his piece of toast in his free hand.
“Sleep well?” Sirius inquired, tossing a look over his shoulder as he poured the dry cereal into the bowl.
“Mm..”
He figured that counted as an affirmative, and poured the milk over his breakfast before coming to sit at the table. They continued this way in silence for a while, only interrupted by the crunching of Sirius' cereal and the slight rustle of pages being turned.
With a clink, Sirius put down his spoon and stood up, carrying his dishes over to the sink. He spent a long moment looking out the window, rinsing the bowl out with warm water. “I'm going to go for a ride today,” he announced suddenly as he reached for a dishtowel to dry his hands with.
That seemed to get his brother's attention. Dark eyes glanced up from the paper, an eyebrow raised. “A ride? On what?”
“Elvendork,” Sirius replied proudly, a slightly silly grin on his face. At his sibling's dubious expression, he just laughed. “My motorbike.”
“You've got one of those?” His eyes were alight with genuine interest now, and the paper was soon put down on the table, easily forgotten. “Can I see it?”
A few minutes later, Regulus was running his fingertips lightly over the smooth material of the bike, his eyes filled with wonder. He'd never seen one up close before, much less gotten to ride one. “What's it like?” He asked softly, as if speaking above a whisper might make the whole thing up and disappear.
“What?” Sirius was standing with his arms crossed, watching his brother with mild amusement.
“Riding it.”
“Go get some proper clothes on and I'll show you myself,” he tossed back with a grin. Whatever tension that had at one point existed between them was quickly dissipating. Sirius already felt like they were almost picking up where they'd left off - he felt younger again. Like this was the summer in between school years, and in a few weeks he'd be going off to Hogwarts to share his dorm with Remus, James and Peter again.
With the sun warming his gloveless fingers, Regulus' arms around his waist, and nothing but asphalt under the tires, Sirius was feeling good. He'd taken a road out of the city, and into a more rural area that he often visited. It was a route that he loved to take, simply because out here, everything was so beautiful and untouched by the hassles and unnatural feel of humanity. To either side were fields, full of grass and cattle at this time of year. They hardly passed a car on the road as they drove, and Sirius preferred it that way. The road seemed to stretch on endlessly before them, and it was that sense of freedom, perhaps, that made it so appealing. There was just...something about summertime and riding his bike that fit together like clockwork.
It was almost mid-afternoon when they finally stopped, pulling off of the road and getting off of the bike to go trekking through a grassy meadow. Regulus was hesitant about it at first, but Sirius assured him that he did it all the time, and only once had he been chased off by a pitchfork-wielding farmer.
Regulus laughed at that, and Sirius found himself stopping in his tracks. That was a sound he hadn't heard in over two years, and it hadn't changed at all. He grinned, and then continued walking as if he'd never stopped, leaving his little brother to stare after him curiously for a moment before doing the same.
“Are we there yet?” Regulus' voice held no trace of the childishness that had once consumed it. That was replaced, instead, with a mature sort of genuine curiosity.
“Almost,” Sirius promised with a grin. “It's just over this next hill,” he said, motioning to the rise that they were currently trudging up. “It's worth it, I promise.” Regulus didn't say anything, only rolled his eyes and followed him, grumbling something under his breath that his brother didn't quite catch. Something about exercise.
Whenever Sirius was having one of his nostalgic nights, and he didn't feel like hanging out with his friends, just wanting to be alone, this was where he usually came. As the pair finally made it up to the top, they were immediately assaulted by the cool breeze that was blowing off of the expansive lake that lay below them, stretching out over quite a wide area. The grass was tall around it, and was blowing in the stirring air. As Regulus took it in, Sirius couldn't help but glance over at him, and bit back the smile as he heard the catch of breath.
“Beautiful, isn't it?” he asked conversationally as he popped a squat, right there on the grass, not really caring if he got his pants dirty.
Regulus seemed to have other ideas, though. He looked at the ground a little uncertainly. “It is,” he agreed quietly before seeming to decide that there weren't any flesh-eating insects lurking beneath the blades of grass and sitting down with him. They sat like that for hours, just enjoying the company and the cool air that washed over them. Sirius eventually flopped onto his back and crossed his arms behind his head, watching the darkening clouds go by as the sun started to slip beyond the horizon. As they remained there, Sirius found his gaze drifting over towards his brother, observing as he gazed at the lake. He seemed intent on something, probably thinking. He wondered what it was that he was thinking about, and suppressed the desire to ask. Sometimes it was better to let sleeping dragons lie, and that was something he'd learned the hard way long ago.
It was long after darkness had fallen over them that Sirius finally spoke, breaking the silence. His voice was soft, slightly raspy from the lack of use over the past few hours. He tilted his head towards the face that was so like his own, but more finely detailed, his angles slightly sharper and eyes that had seen the need to grow up much earlier than he should have ever had to. “Reg?”
“Hmm?”
“Why did you come?” Not that he was complaining. To be perfectly honest, he was really happy that Regulus had seen fit to come to him when he needed him. But in doing so, Sirius felt he had a right to know why. “Not that I'm not glad that you did,” he added as a soft afterthought.
Regulus was silent for a long moment, but Sirius didn't pressure him. Of course he didn't have to answer if he didn't want to, but it looked like he was thinking. Again, he was fingering his left sleeve - he didn't know why his brother had insisted on wearing a long-sleeved shirt when it was so warm out, but had decided not to press the matter any.
“I needed to get away,” he finally said, his pale fingers, more slender than Sirius', sliding through his dark hair.
Sirius just nodded, ignoring the obvious use of his own words against him. He could certainly understand that feeling, especially with their parents. They could be very controlling and manipulative, and that was just on the good days.
“What about you?” Sirius didn't have to be looking at him to know that his brother's eyes were upon him in asking that loaded question. 'Why did you leave me alone?' was what he really meant, he was positive.
“Same as you. I needed to get out of there, Reg. I would have taken you with me if I could have, you know that.” There was a soft rustling sound as Regulus nodded his head, and then was still. Sirius yearned to ask forgiveness - what he'd done was terrible and selfish. He shouldn't have abandoned him like he had, leaving Regulus to be the one who had to grow up and meet their parents' high expectations. But he stayed silent, instead choosing to let himself get lost among the stars shining above them, and the sound of crickets chirping closer to the water's edge.
*~*~*
Three days had passed since Regulus had shown up at Sirius' doorstep, cold and shivering, and already they had fallen into a sort of routine. They worked around one another as if it had always been this way, and in a way it felt like it really had. Regulus woke up first, and made coffee, and breakfast for himself. Sat at the table reading the Prophet. Noon rolled around, and Sirius would be up, groggily sipping his coffee and eating whatever breakfast he decided upon that morning, and they would discuss their plans for the day.
Usually, it was Regulus who came up with the idea for the day. Sometimes they would ride the motorbike in the country like before, and other times they would go out on the town, shopping, getting coffee - whatever. Perhaps that was why his brother's next decision made Sirius' eyebrows disappear quickly behind his bangs. “You want to stay here today?” he inquired, his tone portraying his evident disbelief. “But there isn't anything interesting to do here.”
Regulus just nodded and sipped his coffee, the pages of the Prophet rustling as he turned them. “I'm sure there are plenty of interesting things to do,” he responded dubiously, deft fingers quickly folding the paper shut again and setting it aside on the table. “You just aren't clever enough to think of anything,” he challenged playfully, hiding his smile behind his mug.
Sirius scoffed. “Oh, my pride,” he retorted, though his own grin had nowhere to hide.
This was how they found themselves in Sirius' sitting room a few hours later, doing none other than Sirius' least favorite pass-time; reading. Regulus was sprawled across the ancient sofa, his head propped up by two cushions, feet crossed, and looking absolutely at home there with a book on his lap. Sirius wasn't so lucky. He'd gotten the even more-uncomfortable arm chair out of their seating arrangement, and he absolutely loathed reading.
It wasn't like he wasn't trying or anything. Oh no, he was trying quite hard, thank you very much. But every time he tried to drag his eyes across the page, the text seemed to swim in his vision and dance about until it was almost headache-inducing. Irritated, he pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index fingers, and then tried again for the umpteenth time. Suddenly, there was a snort off to his left, and his eyes shot up to find Regulus stifling a laugh behind the back of his hand. “What's so funny?” he demanded, quirking an eyebrow at him.
“Your face,” Regulus responded, eventually quieting down his sudden bout of laughing.
“Oh shut up!” Sirius fired back, but he was so happy to hear the boy laugh that he hardly remembered that he was supposed to be offended.
*~*~*
“Fuck...”
The soft, cool trail that the tongue left in its wake was enough to send a shiver shooting up his spine. He couldn't suppress the soft gasp that was torn from his throat, his head falling back, dark hair tumbling over his shoulder as he moved.
The other young man never slowed in his movements, his tender lips and hot breath moving down his torso until he reached the band of his boxers. Warm hands slid down the backs of his thighs, grabbing the bottoms of the light material and tugging until they slid down, leaving his hardened cock exposed.
The pair of warm lips that wrapped around him a moment later made him writhe in pleasure, another noise of longing pulled from the back of his throat, fingers tangling in the boy's shorter, dark locks. Sirius panted quietly, his hips pressing against that hot, wet heat, wanting more but his voice wasn't working enough for him to ask for it.
Suddenly, the feeling was gone, but the boy's breath was hot against his cock as he spoke, lips brushing the sensitive flesh. “Look at me.”
For whatever reason, he didn't want to, but Merlin, he wanted that mouth back on him again. Sliding his eyes open again and tipping his head forward, Sirius let himself look down. Another touch from those skilled hands, and he was lost, emptying himself with a strangled cry.
When Sirius jolted awake that night, his entire body was covered in sweat. His hair was sticking to his forehead, his heart was hammering in his chest, and there was a definite sense of discomfort below his waist. Working hard to collect his thoughts, and get his breathing under control, Sirius quickly untangled himself from the sheets that were trying so hard to cling to his body, throwing himself out of bed quicker than he ever had before.
He hurried into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him and locking it. Sirius hardly chanced a glance in the mirror as he peeled off what clothing he had on, and his reflection disgusted him. He was flushed, as he'd expected, but also strangely pale, and more than anything else - aroused. He felt dirty. He turned the shower on cold, full blast, and stepped into the stream, his eyes closed in relief as the cool water both shocked him and felt good all at once.
Despite this, though, as he showered off, he couldn't escape flashes of that dream. That terrible...wonderful dream. Sirius tried hard to push the thoughts from his mind - the soft touches, the warmth of his lips... He shuddered, and moved until he was directly under the rush of freezing cold water, letting it wash over him and cleanse him.
Finally satisfied, his skin covered in goosebumps, Sirius stepped out of the shower and wrapped a white towel around his waist, using another to dry his hair. His reflection in the mirror looked better than before, but the sight of it made his stomach clench painfully. Those eyes. When he'd met them, he'd known just who it was that he was dreaming about. There was no mistaking them.
And he was utterly and completely screwed.
*~*~*
Sirius could hardly believe that Regulus had been with him for two weeks already. In those two weeks, they had, in his opinion, grown closer than they had ever been, even growing up. Every move they made seemed to revolve around the other, however subtly.
Regulus had decided that, today, they were going to go riding again. He'd said he wanted to go back to the lake and camp out, and Sirius had whole-heartedly agreed. They'd spent the majority of the morning packing things they would need into a small bag that was charmed to be much larger on the inside. Camping gear, blankets, pillows, a small amount of food, and of course - alcohol. Sirius claimed that you couldn't have a good camping trip without the booze.
As they rode down the familiar country roads, Sirius let his mind wander, Regulus' warm body pressed against his back. Some part of him knew that, with the end of summer drawing nearer, Regulus would have to leave soon. Plus he couldn't keep up the facade of staying with Narcissa much longer either, before his parents would get suspicious. There was a sense of...finality as they rode along that afternoon and pulled off the road, making their way up to the top of that hill again.
By the time they'd gotten their camp set up and their small fire lit, night was already falling around them, casting dark, moving shadows on the ground around their tiny campsite. They were sitting in the grass, facing the lake, almost shoulder to shoulder. A bottle of beer was being passed between them, but neither spoke, afraid to disrupt this sense of contentment.
As the world around them continued to grow darker, fading slowly into black, and then an eerie blue when the moon began to rise, the buzz in their ears grew louder. Time passed slower, and suddenly, the world didn't seem so dark. The alcohol was beginning to cloud both of their brains, and after a while, a game of sorts had started up. With every sip you took, you had to answer a question truthfully, and then ask one in return. It had been going on for some time now, and at first it had been mainly serious things, like had their parents ever raised a hand against Regulus, or had Sirius ever been in contact with them after he'd left. Now, though, they'd moved on to lighter, funnier, questions.
“Who was the first girl you ever kissed?” Regulus asked as he handed the beer over to Sirius.
The boy in question laughed, thinking about it for a moment. “Dorcas Meadows,” he responded, taking a swig. He just grinned as he passed it back over, just from the look on Regulus' face. “Same question, back to you.”
Regulus took it easily and took another sip. “Never been kissed,” he responded simply.
“Never?”
“That's two questions,” Regulus chided, grinning at Sirius over the lip of the bottle. “But no, never. First girlfriend?”
“Never had one,” Sirius replied, and had to reach over and take the bottle from him. “What?”
Regulus just blinked at him. “You said you'd kissed Dorcas, though!”
“First kiss with a bird. And the last.” Sirius laughed quietly, putting the drink down beside him on the grass. “And my question to you is... Can I kiss you?” He was already leaned in fairly close - he could see the tiny freckles that littered Regulus' face, gathering in a small cluster especially around his nose. He didn't know what prompted him to ask the question, but at the same time, he expected the answer to be 'no'.
He was surprised, albeit pleasantly, when Regulus just nodded, and Sirius hadn't realized just how drunk either of them were before the younger boy leaned forward, and their lips met. It all happened so fast that Sirius hardly had time to register it - it was just a brief brush of lips at first. That was all it was intended to be. But all of the sudden, his arm was wrapping around Regulus' waist, pulling him closer, and tongues were clashing, breath was heating up, and Regulus was allowing himself to be pushed back, onto the grass.
In this drunken haze, all Sirius could think was here, now, I want this. He didn't let himself think of the consequences, or the countless reasons as to why they shouldn't be even considering doing this. The pressure of Regulus' lips against his, the feeling of his warm body underneath his hands, was enough to intoxicate him fully. Gently, he slid a hand between them, urging Regulus backwards until his back made contact with the soft grass, and Sirius took the opportunity to crawl over him. Never once did he let their lips part, wanting to keep up the contact. On one hand, he wanted to take this slow - he didn't want to scare him, but on the other he wanted it now. He'd never been the most patient of people at the best of times.
A trait, it seemed, that Regulus also possessed. He arched his body off of the grass, pressing himself against Sirius, needing to feel that connection that neither one of them could explain. As their hips connected, a jolt of electricity coursed through Sirius' body, heading straight for his groin, and he let a soft groan pass through his lips and into Regulus' waiting mouth.
Right. Waiting, it seemed, was not going to be an option.
Sirius ran his hand down his brother's side, trying to go as slowly as he could, feeling him under him. At the same time, he never let up with the gentle kisses, only moving from his lips to his jaw, littering every centimeter of exposed flesh with soft brushes of his lips. After a moment, he sat back, gently urging the shirt up the lithe body. He felt his breath catch in his throat as he exposed more of his skin, and he felt a familiar kick to his gut, his heart speeding up a little in his chest.
He let his darkened, lust-filled eyes run over his chest and neck as he pulled the shirt off, letting the light material fall to the ground a little ways off. He couldn't believe how similar they were, and yet how different. Sirius' own body was slightly fuller, having had lots of hearty meals from Mrs. Potter, and he had bigger bones. Regulus was more delicate, finely and intricately carved, like a statue.
The moonlight was playing off of the milky-white skin that hadn't seen nearly as much sun as Sirius' had, and he couldn't stop himself from expressing the one thought that ran through his head; “Beautiful.” Regulus' eyes flickered open, and their eyes met in the darkness. Not wanting to explain himself, Sirius dipped his head, claiming his lips again.
It wasn't long after that both boys found themselves exposed to the moonlight and the countryside, the lake and owls the only witnesses to their beautiful sin. The way that Regulus twisted and panted his name was almost enough to drive Sirius over the edge right there, and he hadn't even done anything just yet. He kissed his brother's lips very softly, silently asking permission with his eyes.
He stretched him slowly, carefully, not wanting to apply too much pressure on him. He wanted him to know that he could still back out if he wanted. However, with the way that his brother's slim fingers were gripping his shoulders, his back and hips arching into him, there was almost no chance of that.
He silenced Regulus' pained cry with his lips as he pushed inside him, the relief pulsating through him in waves. “Fuck...” He murmured against his lips, forcing himself to still so that Regulus could adjust. It was hard to do - Merlin, he was tight. And it felt so good... He hissed softly as those angular hips shifted beneath him, and he couldn't hold back from giving a little thrust into his body. That earned a pleased, quiet groan, and Sirius was immediately lost. Suddenly, he didn't care about holding himself back - He wanted it, herefastnow.
He slid his fingers through Regulus', lifting them above his head and pinning them to the grass as their bodies moved together, sweat and heat building between them until the pleasure was dizzying. He felt the familiar heat curling in the very pit of his stomach, and fuck, it had been so long...
He released one of Regulus' hands to reach down and grip his cock, pumping him in time with each deep, hard movement that he made. The gasps and noises of approval were all he needed, and in just a few moments, he was spilling himself into Regulus, his hand still pumping his brother's cock. One more stroke, and it was done, leaving the two panting as Sirius collapsed on top of him, his form quivering from the strain and utter exhaustion.
*~*~*
The next morning, Sirius was awoken by a harsh white light. At first, when he blinked his eyes open, he was certain that something was definitely wrong. He was in St. Mungo's- no wait, there was something scratchy underneath him. He frowned, squinting against the light, and brought a hand up to rub at his eyes. As everything started to come into focus, a flood of memories hit him hard. Simultaneously he was accosted by a splitting pain in his head, the amount of alcohol consumed the night before catching up with him. Groaning groggily, he pinched the bridge of his nose and sat up, causing a sudden rush of blood to his head. Fuck, he hated hangovers.
As suddenly as that rush had come, it was gone, replaced instead by a feeling of dizzying nausea in the pit of his stomach. And that wasn't because of all of the drinking he'd done the previous evening. While his head had turned, Sirius had registered two things: One, that he was very naked, and two, that his brother was lying beside him, equally exposed to the world. Regulus was still asleep, curled up on his side, facing away from Sirius, but the older boy knew exactly what he'd done. Feeling the bile rise to the back of his throat, he shakily stood, feeling completely and utterly filthy. Crossing his arms over his chest and giving a single look back to Regulus, he began the slow descent down the rather steep embankment. The breeze from the lake was cold against his naked form, but he ignored it, the feeling clearing up his head as he walked. He needed to cleanse himself of this... He didn't know what it was.
The water was absolutely freezing when he plunged into it, but he didn't care. It was a sharp blast to his senses, and he abruptly felt awake, the haze from his hangover starting to ebb away. He stayed beneath the surface for as long as he could, holding his breath and closing his eyes, blocking out the world. It was some time later that he finally emerged from his icy sanctuary and made his way back up the hill, dripping from head to foot. He was chilled, almost to the bone. Some part of him had come to terms with the fact that, yes, he had slept with his younger brother. The rest was still in disgusted denial.
He returned from the tent fully clothed, and as he moved past Regulus, something caught his eye. There were black markings on Regulus' skin, which, at first glance, Sirius took to be dirt. However, his interest piqued, he moved closer, looking at the lines that obscured the creamy flesh. Drawing nearer, the shape became clearer, and Sirius felt his stomach drop straight to the ground. On his brother's arm, right there, was the sign of something completely and utterly evil. Suddenly, Sirius felt sick all over again, not even bothering to be gentle as he reached out and grasped his wrist, yanking Regulus into a sitting position.
“What the fuck is this?” he demanded, his voice sounding loud, angry and hurt all at the same time - foreign even to his ears.
Regulus' eyes widened in bleary, sleepy, hung-over confusion. “What-”
“This,” Sirius insisted angrily, pointing to the marking on his arm. His grip still hadn't loosened, even as the realization was starting to show on his brother's face, and he struggled. “What is it? What did you do?” He let Regulus pull his arm away, going to massage his wrist. Sirius watched the panic flash across his features, his mind obviously racing as he tried to think of what to say. Some excuse to get out of this.
“Sirius, you've got to calm down! I-”
“They put you up to this, didn't they?” Abruptly, Sirius' voice lost its volume, dropping down to a low whisper, practically a growl. “They made you join him.” He should have known that his parents would enforce this. Make him join forces with the Dark Lord that was quickly rising. It was the talk of all the papers, the subject of all the whispers in town, in the restaurants, on the street. Fuck, how had he not known about this?
Regulus looked down, a hand moving automatically to cover his arm. Funny that he would cover that, and yet he didn't seem bothered at all by the fact that he was still very naked, his skin stark against the green grass. Suddenly, the tears were coming, and Sirius found he didn't know what to do. On one hand, he was furious with Regulus for doing something so absolutely stupid. On the other, he was his little brother, and it was his job to make it better when he cried. In the end, his brotherly instinct took over, and his expression softened, moving to wrap an arm around him.
“Hey, it's okay,” Sirius murmured, pulling him close. He was reminded vaguely of when they were younger and Regulus would come to him, sobbing with a scraped knee, and he would comfort him then, too. However, this sort of thing wasn't quite covered in the handbook of familial duties. Sirius couldn't quite remember a 'My brother just joined dark forces thanks to my parents' section.
When Regulus had calmed down considerably - it didn't take very long - Sirius pulled back, holding him at arm's length so he could look him in the eyes. “When did this happen?” he demanded.
Regulus looked down again. “The day I came to your flat,” he responded, his voice quiet, barely even a whisper, but Sirius heard. His stomach twisted guiltily. Regulus had come to him, and he hadn't even been smart enough to find out what was wrong that day.
“I'm sorry, Reg.” Sorry for everything - for abandoning him all those years ago, and for not realizing that something this large was happening in his brother's life, and he'd been too aloof to notice.
For his part, Regulus seemed to understand. The two pulled themselves together, Regulus got dressed, and the two spent the rest of the day just enjoying the company. Neither spoke of what had happened the night before, although it was certainly never far from either of their minds. There was a feeling that settled over them, as midday turned into mid-afternoon, and they began to pack up their things, that today... this was it. But they didn't say that. If they didn't say it, it mightn't be so hard when the time came.
*~*~*
Beep!
Beep!
Be-!
Sirius opened his eyes groggily. It shouldn't be time to wake up yet, should it? He squinted into the darkness, reaching for his alarm clock, only to find that it wasn't what was making the noise. There was an envelope hovering just by his face, illuminated by the moonlight as it fluttered about impatiently, making a loud beeping noise. He frowned, and looked over his shoulder, his stomach turning a flip at what he saw. Or rather, what he didn't see. Regulus wasn't there. The bed was made up on his side, and Sirius knew what it meant, even before he grabbed the envelope out of the air and opened it, silencing its noise-making. A flick of his wand turned on the lights in the room, and Sirius' eyes scanned over the familiar, elegant writing.
Sirius,
I know this is sudden, and rude on top of that, but I thought this would be the best way. Mother will be getting worried if I'm not home soon - well. I say worried. I think we both know the translation of that. But I wanted to thank you, for taking me in, and giving me the best summer I've had since you left. Don't worry about me - I don't support the Dark Lord. You have to know that. I don't know what's going to happen, and yes, I'm scared, but you can't help me, not this time. This is something I've got to do on my own, maybe I can do something to help. I'm tired of being our parents' puppet; I want to do something great with my life, and you've helped me come to this decision.
So thank you, for everything. And I love you.
Your brother, now and always,
R.
So that was it, then. Regulus was gone, and all he'd left was this note. Somehow though, Sirius couldn't begrudge him for it. In spite of his age, Sirius couldn't deny that, out of the two of them, Regulus was the one with more wisdom to speak of. There was a part of him that burned intensely with the desire to go to him, to help him, get him away from the group of people, if you could call them that, that he was associating himself with. But a larger part still told him that he couldn't, that Regulus was right.
Suddenly, there was a tapping at his window, and Sirius looked up sharply. The ghostly face of a barn owl - James' from the looks of it - stared back at him. Dropping the piece of parchment, Sirius moved over to the window and opened it, letting the bird inside as it stuck out its leg, and he took the little roll from it. Instead of vying for a treat, it sat there, gazing at him through its small, beady eyes, like it was on a mission or something.
With a frown, Sirius looked down at the parchment, unrolling it and looking over James' equally familiar scrawl. The letter was long, and detailed, depicting the starting up of a new group. A group that was against Lord Voldemort, as he was called, that would fight for the citizens of the wizarding world. A group, headed by the great wizard Albus Dumbledore, that would be named The Order of the Phoenix. As soon as he saw the words on the page, Sirius knew what he had to do. He might not be able to help Regulus directly, but he could help from his side of the fence, so to speak. He would fight for their world, the one that Regulus had never truly gotten to know.
Sirius hauled himself out of bed to write a response, suddenly filled completely with the feeling that yes, this was what he was meant to do. He looked at the clock, and a faint smile spread across his face.
3:33 am.
An early start to the first day of the rest of his life. And he was ready for it.
Pairing: Sirius/Regulus
Rating: R, for incest and sex... and language
WC: 10,102
Warnings: Incest, sex, language, a tiny tiny bit AU in terms of other canon things - the Marauders know where Lily and James' house is in Godric's Hollow.
Summary: Sirius wants to reconcile with Regulus, and is at a crossroads in his own life, not quite sure where it's going to take him. When Regulus comes to him and asks to stay with him for a while, who is he to say no? What follows is something that will be remembered as the best summer in his life - and along the way, could he find that absolution he's been looking for? (Set in the summer of 1977. Sirius is 18, Regulus is 16.)
This is a gift fic for: saras_girl who challenged me to write this, and has just been completely and totally awesome. =) Thanks for making me write my first smut, Nat! And for being there. <3 (She also came up with the title! Much love!)
*~*~*
Summer, 1977
There wasn't a time when Sirius Black was happier than when he was riding his motorbike. There just wasn't a substitute for the feeling of the engine revving under him, or the sheer power as the bike carried him along. Whether he be on the ground or in the air, the feeling of exhilaration was always present, the sensation coursing through his veins. As of right now, he was ground-ridden, and was sufficiently enjoying the feel of asphalt beneath the tires. There was just a feeling there that you didn't get when flying through the air - there wasn't any traction on the tires, you see. Sirius could see why the muggles liked to travel like this - it was fast, it was fun, and most of all, it felt... free.
Freedom was something he had always strived for. He'd left home two years ago, when he was sixteen, and had moved in with his best mate, James and his parents. The Potters were a wonderfully nice lot, and had taken him in immediately, with almost no questions asked. In response, he'd been blasted off the bloody family tree. The thought brought a smirk to his lips as he imagined his mother's enraged face as she pointed her wand, gripped in her disgustingly bony hands, at the drawing and fired. He only wished he had been there to see it - it would have been one of the proudest moments in his life, he was sure.
As he raced along the streets, the wind whipping his hair into his mouth and in front of his goggles, Sirius eyed his surroundings. It had been two years, but he still knew his way around this area better than he knew the back of his own hand. He was nearing civilization now, and would probably have to slow down - something he wasn't too keen on doing. But muggle coppers were scary. Well, and hilarious to play around with when a boy was bored, but that was beside the point, now, wasn't it?
One of the few things that Sirius regretted about leaving home was leaving his brother behind. As their parents had never been particularly...parental.... Regulus had seemed to look up to Sirius when they were growing up. But as they'd grown older, and their parents had realized what a failure Sirius was turning out to be, they had focused their attention more on the younger of the two. They trained him in the pureblood traditions, forced their beliefs into his head to a degree that should have been considered abuse. It made him sick to his stomach just thinking about it, and he'd fought them tooth and nail. However, when he'd left home that night, there was something in Regulus' eyes that told him that it was too late for him. A cold, betrayed glint. One that stayed with Sirius even now as he rounded the corner, and he had Grimmauld Place in sight.
He slowed to a stop, the bike sputtering slightly. The engine continued to rumble under his form as he steered it over to one of the side streets and parked it. He took a quick look around, then took his wand out of his pocket and tapped the bike once, rendering it invisible. He slipped the key into his jean pocket, and started briskly down the sidewalk towards his childhood home. If you could call it a home, anyway - it was barely that. Even the house elf hated him! What sort of home was that?
Even now, Sirius couldn't shake the slight sense of dread that was slowly ebbing its way into his stomach. That was stupid. He had no reason to be afraid of this place now, he reasoned as he made his way towards the front steps. The only reason that he was even returning to this terrible memory was for Regulus. He was worried about him - he was sixteen by now, after all, and although they'd spoken briefly in letters and things, they hadn't had very much contact in the last two years. He found himself almost nervous, and slowed his pace slightly. It had been ages since his footsteps had been heard on the stone steps of this place. He was already starting to think better of this decision to suddenly come and see Regulus like this, but he'd heard that their parents were out of town, and he couldn't pass up the opportunity. He had to make sure that he was alright. He felt... somewhat responsible for the way that his brother turned out, in a way.
He shuffled a little on the doorstep, trying to assure himself that he had no reason to feel this way at all. He was Sirius Black - he was supposed to be confident and aloof. This sort of thinking wasn't his nature at all, and so he did his best to banish it from his mind, drawing himself up to his full height as he reached out a hand to rap his knuckles against the door. Almost immediately, it opened on its own to reveal the long hallway that sometimes still haunted his dreams. Right. In we go, then, he thought to himself, taking a step inside. As soon as he was through the door, it shut soundly behind him with a noise that echoed off the walls. The house seemed... oddly empty, without his parents there. Even when out of sight, he could remember always feeling their presence, but now - nothing. It was a calm, eerie feeling, and it set the hairs of his neck to standing on end.
As he walked, his shoes made soft scuffling noises on the hardwood floor, and it seemed that he was a lone with his footsteps. Suddenly though, as he neared the stairway onto the next story, he heard a sound off to the side, from the stairwell leading down into the kitchens. Bugger. He quickened his pace, taking the following steps two at a time, disappearing just in time to catch a flash of Kreacher's floppy ears as he emerged from the small space. Not wanting to stick around and have a friendly little chat with the neighborhood vermin, Sirius quickly moved onto the landing, and then to the next set of stairs. If he was right, and if Regulus was anything like he was two years ago, he would be in his bedroom. Assuming he hadn't moved rooms, that was on the uppermost floor, and by the time he reached that landing, Sirius had to admit he was feeling a bit winded. Sure he was active enough, often flying about and playing quidditch, but aside from keeping himself steady on the broom and his bike, his legs didn't get quite the workout that they used to. It wasn't until he stopped, hand poised to knock on his brother's door, that he realized he could have simply apparated. Merlin, sometimes he swore he was so used to doing things the muggle way he'd forgotten how to be a proper wizard! Well - at least he knew how he'd be getting down the stairs.
He knocked, once, and waited for a response from the other side of the closed door. It came a moment later, and he immediately recognized Regulus' voice, though it had deepened considerably since the last time they'd spoken. “I've already told you, Kreacher, I'm not hungry-” The door was almost flung open, and Sirius was soon staring face to face with someone that he hardly recognized. Regulus' eyes, darker than his own, flashed with anger, but he wasn't looking at Sirius' face - he was looking down, having obviously expected someone of a lesser stature to be at his door.
Sirius watched the look in his sibling's eyes transition from irritation to confusion, and as his gaze traveled up and their eyes locked, from confusion to recognition. From there, they abruptly hardened into a cool, refined expression. Abruptly the unguarded look on his features was abandoned, replaced by an expression of polished disdain. Sirius felt his breath catch in his throat the moment those dark eyes met his. Regulus had grown up, that was for certain. His hair had grown, dark as ever, and curling just below his ears to frame his face, which was somewhat thinner than his own. More elegant, in a sense, whereas Sirius' features reflected his own boyish nature.
He blinked, taking a slight step back, giving his brother a once-over with his eyes. He looked healthy enough, but why was he- oh. He was waiting for him to speak. “You look good,” he offered slowly, accompanied by a smile. The same smile that melted the hearts of countless girls - and guys too, to come down to it.
“Why are you here?” There was almost a cutting edge to Regulus' tone as he spoke, and the same icy glint in his eye as before. He was regarding Sirius with his head tilted up slightly, looking down on him even though he was at least an inch and a half shorter. Had it not been who it was, Sirius would have been enraged. But he knew Regulus - or he was fairly confident that he did - and he knew their parents, and the sort of raising he would have had to endure.
“I came to check up on you,” he replied honestly, tucking some of his own unruly, nearly-shoulder-length dark hair behind an ear.
“Well, as you can see, I'm fine. So I think you can take your leave - or shall I summon Kreacher and have him show you the way out?” Sirius tried his best not to be stung by his words - after all, there wasn't a doubt in his mind that he deserved them. He'd abandoned him. Left him at the mercy of their parents. Or, given the fact that Sirius had apparently been disowned, he probably should have started referring to them as his parents, at this point.
“Reg, you gotta believe me; I had to get out of here. It was suffocating me.” Sirius tried to plead with him, his tone slightly hushed. He'd been lucky so far in that the rest of the house had seemed to be quiet about his being here, but he knew if he was discovered by Kreacher, any hope of maintaining that secrecy would be lost.
“I'm not going to argue with you, Sirius.” Regulus tilted his head again, and Sirius couldn't keep the thought out of his head that he looked more like his father now than he ever had.“I asked you to leave.” He was making it perfectly clear that he was the man of the house now - Sirius had already had that chance, and passed it up. Tossed it out the window was more like it.
“Alright.... Fine. I'm glad to see you well,” he muttered, ducking his head. There was a crack, and then he was gone, leaving Regulus to stare blankly at the space where his brother had just been. Sirius wasn't one to give up that easily though - there was something... off. But there was also that small spark in his eye. The Regulus that he'd left behind was still in there somewhere, and it gave him courage. He would bring out the boy in Regulus again, he vowed to himself as he released the vanishing spell on the bike and fastened his helmet on. He'd do it if it was the last thing that he did.
*~*~*
“Those were the best days of my life!” Sirius had never been one to keep in tune when he sang, and such was true now. The sun was high, beating down on he and his friends as they lounged on the grass in Lily and James' new back yard in Godric's Hollow. They were damn proud of their new home, and Sirius would say they had a right to be. It was perfect for them - in a safe wizarding community, and they were happy. That was all anyone could ask for, really. And hey; they all had a place to get together and hang out now that wasn't James' family's house, where they'd usually all had to crowd into one room. This was a much better alternative.
“Must you?” Remus' tone was exasperated, but there was a playful glint in his eyes that Sirius recognized.
“You're just jealous of my amazing singing skills, Moony,” he shot back lightheartedly, flopping onto his back in the grass. His dark hair splayed over the green blades, and he closed his eyes, letting the sun warm his face as the rest of the group laughed. It almost felt like school again - everyone was here. Except Peter. Sirius wasn't sure where in the world he'd gotten to, recently, but had just assumed that he'd gotten busy. After all, graduating from school generally meant going to work. An example that all of his mates had followed, except him. Sirius was a free spirit. He was of the belief that he would get a job when he was damn well ready to. He just had to find the right one first.
“Paired with your good looks and your miraculous singing voice, the birds of the world are in big trouble,” Lily remarked with a grin. The redhead had never been part of their group, really, but once James had finally snagged her heart, she'd seemed to fit right in. Sirius loved her, really, almost like a sister that he'd never had. She was just as wild and fun as any of them, if not more sensible. Remus identified with her love of books, and James was madly in love with her, so he claimed. He appeared to be serious about it, anyway. Really, Sirius couldn't ask for friends any better than this.
“Oi!” Sirius cracked an eye to find James pouting and wrapping his arms around Lily's waist. “Not telling me I have competition are you?” He whined, and Lily ruffled his hair before pushing him away playfully, and his glasses slipped off his nose. Lily laughed and rolled her eyes, and Sirius smiled. He wondered if he'd ever find someone that made him that happy - it would be nice.
Later on, once the sun had made its slow retreat into the western horizon and was about to sink beyond the curve of the earth, and Remus had already taken his leave - “Have to go to work,” he'd said apologetically - Sirius found himself sitting on the rug in Lily and James' living room, with a beer bottle in his hand. They'd wound down considerably, and were sitting in silence, just enjoying the company. The pair were lying on the sofa, Lily resting comfortably against James' chest, a glass of wine held in her delicate hands.
This was the sort of lifestyle for them, Sirius found himself thinking as he watched them. A neighborhood, maybe the starting of a family... It was something they both deserved, more than anyone he'd ever known. And they fit right into that image of normality. He lifted the bottle to his lips, and along with the soft buzzing in the back of his mind came thoughts of Regulus. It had been almost a week now since he'd confronted him. He was curious as to how he was getting on - no doubt their parents were back by now. Sirius could only hope that whatever pressure they were applying to him, that it wouldn't break his little brother's fighting spirit. It was still in there - he'd glimpsed it, just before he left. Just that little spark in his eye. He still wasn't clear on how he was going to bring it out of him, but he was certain that he could. It was just a matter of getting the right opportunity.
“-Padfoot?”
Sirius blinked, his grey eyes shifting from the maroon and gold material of the rug up to James' face. The fading light from the window reflected in his glasses, but it was evident that he'd been saying something before. “Sorry, what?”
“You just looked sad, is all. Something up?” His fingers were trailing through Lily's hair gently, the copper strands sliding across his skin easily.
“Oh.... Yeah.” Sirius ran his own hand through his hair, taking another sip of beer before continuing. “It's not really anything. I saw Regulus the other day, that's all.”
“Your brother?” He'd gained Lily's interest. She turned her head towards him, regarding him with inquisitive green eyes.
“Mhm.” He fingered the label on the bottle, suddenly finding it quite interesting. It was peeling slightly, and he occupied himself with picking at that little corner. “I went to check on him. Wanted to see how he's been getting on since I left,” he elaborated. “He looked....different. More grown up. Like my parents, actually.” His laugh sounded rough even to his own ears. “They've shaped and molded him into their perfect little pawn.” He hadn't meant to sound so bitter - the tone his voice had taken surprised even him, and he looked down sheepishly, setting the bottle on the rug beside him.
“You can't blame yourself, mate.” James' voice was sympathetic as it reached his ears.
“James is right - you said it yourself when you moved in with him. You had to leave,” Lily added softly, flashing him a little smile. “If you hadn't, you would have been their chess piece.”
“Better me than Reg,” he responded, anger growing inside him. Not at Lily or James, but himself, for abandoning Regulus when he'd obviously need him most. Betraying him, and leaving him to their parents' mercy. He almost growled at himself as he stood up quickly, his beer bottle forgotten on the floor. “Sorry - I've got to go.”
“Pads-”
“I'll firecall you later. Thanks for the beer.”
*~*~*
3:33 am.
That was the time the digital clock - a wonderful invention by the muggles, if he did say so himself - on Sirius' night table read when he awoke that morning. There had been a noise that had startled him from his slumber. He was sitting up, and rubbing the sleep away from his groggy eyes as he registered that there was rain hitting his window. It was probably just thunder, he mused as he swung his legs over the side of the bed and got up.
After he'd graduated school, Sirius had taken the money that his Uncle Alphard had given him and bought a relatively small flat just outside of London. In a wizarding area, of course - he couldn't be bothered to have to hide his magic all the time from muggles. And it made it easier if he ever found a job; the commute wouldn't be very long.
As he made his way into the kitchen to grab the milk jug, he heard that noise again. The same one that had woken him up, and it certainly wasn't thunder. It took a moment for his sleepy mind to process the information that his ears were trying desperately to convey to him - someone was knocking at his door. At 3:33 in the morning. Abandoning the hopes of milk, Sirius went quickly to the door and unlocked it, opening it up. The look of confusion on his face only deepened at the sight before him.
It was certainly Regulus, but a very different one than he'd met with the week before. This one was drenched, for one thing, his dark hair slicked to his forehead and clothes sticking to his skin. He had bags under his eyes that Sirius didn't remember seeing before, and he looked completely and utterly... lost. “Reg...?”
Regulus looked down, an arm crossed over his chest, clinging to his other arm in a clearly defensive, unconscious movement. “They said I could find you here... Said it was your place... I didn't mean to disturb you - Can I come in?” It wasn't as if he would have said no, but the look on Regulus' face just then when he looked up, eyes pleading, made Sirius immediately step back and let him come inside.
“Wait here,” Sirius instructed, pushing back his own strong desire to start popping questions immediately in favor of hurrying back into his bedroom and grabbing a towel, a long-sleeved shirt and a pair of dark cotton pajama pants. He wouldn't have him freezing, after all.
Pressing the garments into Regulus' hands, Sirius allowed his eyes to rake over his brother's slightly smaller frame again, taking in the way that he was standing, and the way that he was shivering. Something had happened to him, and he longed to know just what that was, but for now... He needed to get dry. “Bedroom is the last door on the left,” he said, pointing down the hallway. “You can get dressed in there.” Regulus nodded mutely and pushed past him, leaving a dripping trail all the way down the hall.
While he was getting dressed, Sirius grabbed his slightly rusty kettle, filled it with water, and set it on the stove. He figured that at this point, he was going to have to have a good talk with Regulus - catch up and all that. Maybe find out what was bothering him, but if his brother was anything like he used to be, that part of it was going to be easier said than done. He always had been a little on the secretive side, and now that they'd drifted apart... Well. It might be a bit tougher than before to get something out of him.
It was a few moments later that Regulus came walking into the kitchen. The clothes were slightly too big for him, in length, but otherwise fit quite well. “I put my wet clothes in your laundry basket,” he said quietly. “Hope that's alright.”
Sirius just nodded, and motioned for the dark-headed boy to take a seat at the small, round table. He leaned over and grabbed the latest copy of the Prophet off of the tabletop, tossing it haphazardly onto the counter before taking a seat himself. Regulus' body language was completely opposite to what he'd seen previously - cool confidence had been replaced with insecurity. His imposing stature had been completely forgotten as he curled up on the seat, fiddling with the left sleeve of the shirt. He looked tired - exhausted, even, and it was all he could do to bite back the question hovering at the tip of his tongue. He was saved, thankfully, by the kettle as it whistled loudly.
Sirius jumped up, and set about preparing two cups of tea, setting one steaming cup down in front of his brother a moment later. He pushed the little bowl of sugar cubes towards him, and grabbed the milk out of the fridge, passing that over as well once he was finished. For the next few moments, the boys were occupied in stirring and fixing their tea to their liking, and once that was done, they found themselves in an awkward silence. They filled that with the clinking of china as they sipped on their hot drinks.
“Your flat is nice,” Regulus commented eventually, finally breaking the uncomfortable silence between them.
“Thanks,” Sirius replied with a smile. He really was proud of it - it was the first thing he could remember, besides his broom, being able to actually call his. “...Look, Reggie, I'm not going to beat around the bush - It's driving me absolutely mental,” he started with a sigh, running his fingers through his bedridden hair. “What in Merlin's name happened to you?”
Regulus shifted uncomfortably in his seat, pale, slender fingers tightening slightly on the cup. He was concentrating solely on the steam rising from his drink, his eyes lidded heavily with exhaustion. “I can't say,” he murmured. “Mum and dad think I'm visiting Cissy.” Sirius couldn't help the slight curl of his lip when his cousin was mentioned, but hid it behind his tea. Obviously, from the affectionate nickname, Regulus was close to her.
“You can stay here,” Sirius offered after a moment. “As long as you need to. I don't mind.” He could almost see the other boy's shoulders sag with relief before he drained the rest of his tea. He'd stopped shivering by this point, but was still fiddling with the edge of his left sleeve, every once in a while rubbing his hand over his arm, almost like something was hurting him.
“Thank you...” The words were almost said in a whisper, but Sirius heard them. He stood, gathering their dishes and putting them in the sink to wash up later. A glance toward the clock on the wall told him that it was nearing five in the morning, and he for one, was knackered. And by the looks of it, so was Regulus.
“I've only got one bed,” he admitted, scratching his head and covering his mouth to stifle a yawn. “You're welcome to share it with me if you like - the sofa is kinda hard. Haven't gotten around to getting a new one. Mrs. Potter donated that one, and I swear it's absolutely ancient...” he trailed off, watching as Regulus almost dragged himself out of his chair and headed back towards the bedroom, looking like he was going to fall over at any moment.
Sirius watched after him worriedly for a moment, waiting until he'd disappeared into the room before following him, the lights turning out of their own accord as he walked down the hallway. When he reached the room, he could already make out his brother's form, just a little lump and hair splayed out across his pillow. A sudden, unexpected surge of affection welled up inside of Sirius at that moment, and he silently vowed that he would fix what he'd done. He was his big brother; it was his job to fix him.
That night, with the two brothers curled up back to back, not touching one another, both slept more fitfully than either of them had in a long time. Despite the definite sense of there'ssomethingwronghere, there was also a familiar feeling, one that seemed to set both of them completely at ease, although they didn't know it. It felt good to have someone near again.
*~*~*
As per usual, Sirius didn't roll out of bed until it was almost noon. He probably looked terrible as he shuffled into the kitchen, yawning widely and hiding it behind his hand. He blinked. There was someone sitting at his table. Who-? Oh. Memories of the previous night came flooding back to him, and he stood there in the doorway for a moment, just watching Regulus munch on a piece of toast, still dressed in Sirius' clothing, and read the newest issue of the Prophet.
“Good morning,” He greeted after a moment, walking past him to grab a bowl from the top cabinet to fix himself some cereal.
“Morning,” was Regulus' soft reply as he scanned over the front page of the paper, his piece of toast in his free hand.
“Sleep well?” Sirius inquired, tossing a look over his shoulder as he poured the dry cereal into the bowl.
“Mm..”
He figured that counted as an affirmative, and poured the milk over his breakfast before coming to sit at the table. They continued this way in silence for a while, only interrupted by the crunching of Sirius' cereal and the slight rustle of pages being turned.
With a clink, Sirius put down his spoon and stood up, carrying his dishes over to the sink. He spent a long moment looking out the window, rinsing the bowl out with warm water. “I'm going to go for a ride today,” he announced suddenly as he reached for a dishtowel to dry his hands with.
That seemed to get his brother's attention. Dark eyes glanced up from the paper, an eyebrow raised. “A ride? On what?”
“Elvendork,” Sirius replied proudly, a slightly silly grin on his face. At his sibling's dubious expression, he just laughed. “My motorbike.”
“You've got one of those?” His eyes were alight with genuine interest now, and the paper was soon put down on the table, easily forgotten. “Can I see it?”
A few minutes later, Regulus was running his fingertips lightly over the smooth material of the bike, his eyes filled with wonder. He'd never seen one up close before, much less gotten to ride one. “What's it like?” He asked softly, as if speaking above a whisper might make the whole thing up and disappear.
“What?” Sirius was standing with his arms crossed, watching his brother with mild amusement.
“Riding it.”
“Go get some proper clothes on and I'll show you myself,” he tossed back with a grin. Whatever tension that had at one point existed between them was quickly dissipating. Sirius already felt like they were almost picking up where they'd left off - he felt younger again. Like this was the summer in between school years, and in a few weeks he'd be going off to Hogwarts to share his dorm with Remus, James and Peter again.
With the sun warming his gloveless fingers, Regulus' arms around his waist, and nothing but asphalt under the tires, Sirius was feeling good. He'd taken a road out of the city, and into a more rural area that he often visited. It was a route that he loved to take, simply because out here, everything was so beautiful and untouched by the hassles and unnatural feel of humanity. To either side were fields, full of grass and cattle at this time of year. They hardly passed a car on the road as they drove, and Sirius preferred it that way. The road seemed to stretch on endlessly before them, and it was that sense of freedom, perhaps, that made it so appealing. There was just...something about summertime and riding his bike that fit together like clockwork.
It was almost mid-afternoon when they finally stopped, pulling off of the road and getting off of the bike to go trekking through a grassy meadow. Regulus was hesitant about it at first, but Sirius assured him that he did it all the time, and only once had he been chased off by a pitchfork-wielding farmer.
Regulus laughed at that, and Sirius found himself stopping in his tracks. That was a sound he hadn't heard in over two years, and it hadn't changed at all. He grinned, and then continued walking as if he'd never stopped, leaving his little brother to stare after him curiously for a moment before doing the same.
“Are we there yet?” Regulus' voice held no trace of the childishness that had once consumed it. That was replaced, instead, with a mature sort of genuine curiosity.
“Almost,” Sirius promised with a grin. “It's just over this next hill,” he said, motioning to the rise that they were currently trudging up. “It's worth it, I promise.” Regulus didn't say anything, only rolled his eyes and followed him, grumbling something under his breath that his brother didn't quite catch. Something about exercise.
Whenever Sirius was having one of his nostalgic nights, and he didn't feel like hanging out with his friends, just wanting to be alone, this was where he usually came. As the pair finally made it up to the top, they were immediately assaulted by the cool breeze that was blowing off of the expansive lake that lay below them, stretching out over quite a wide area. The grass was tall around it, and was blowing in the stirring air. As Regulus took it in, Sirius couldn't help but glance over at him, and bit back the smile as he heard the catch of breath.
“Beautiful, isn't it?” he asked conversationally as he popped a squat, right there on the grass, not really caring if he got his pants dirty.
Regulus seemed to have other ideas, though. He looked at the ground a little uncertainly. “It is,” he agreed quietly before seeming to decide that there weren't any flesh-eating insects lurking beneath the blades of grass and sitting down with him. They sat like that for hours, just enjoying the company and the cool air that washed over them. Sirius eventually flopped onto his back and crossed his arms behind his head, watching the darkening clouds go by as the sun started to slip beyond the horizon. As they remained there, Sirius found his gaze drifting over towards his brother, observing as he gazed at the lake. He seemed intent on something, probably thinking. He wondered what it was that he was thinking about, and suppressed the desire to ask. Sometimes it was better to let sleeping dragons lie, and that was something he'd learned the hard way long ago.
It was long after darkness had fallen over them that Sirius finally spoke, breaking the silence. His voice was soft, slightly raspy from the lack of use over the past few hours. He tilted his head towards the face that was so like his own, but more finely detailed, his angles slightly sharper and eyes that had seen the need to grow up much earlier than he should have ever had to. “Reg?”
“Hmm?”
“Why did you come?” Not that he was complaining. To be perfectly honest, he was really happy that Regulus had seen fit to come to him when he needed him. But in doing so, Sirius felt he had a right to know why. “Not that I'm not glad that you did,” he added as a soft afterthought.
Regulus was silent for a long moment, but Sirius didn't pressure him. Of course he didn't have to answer if he didn't want to, but it looked like he was thinking. Again, he was fingering his left sleeve - he didn't know why his brother had insisted on wearing a long-sleeved shirt when it was so warm out, but had decided not to press the matter any.
“I needed to get away,” he finally said, his pale fingers, more slender than Sirius', sliding through his dark hair.
Sirius just nodded, ignoring the obvious use of his own words against him. He could certainly understand that feeling, especially with their parents. They could be very controlling and manipulative, and that was just on the good days.
“What about you?” Sirius didn't have to be looking at him to know that his brother's eyes were upon him in asking that loaded question. 'Why did you leave me alone?' was what he really meant, he was positive.
“Same as you. I needed to get out of there, Reg. I would have taken you with me if I could have, you know that.” There was a soft rustling sound as Regulus nodded his head, and then was still. Sirius yearned to ask forgiveness - what he'd done was terrible and selfish. He shouldn't have abandoned him like he had, leaving Regulus to be the one who had to grow up and meet their parents' high expectations. But he stayed silent, instead choosing to let himself get lost among the stars shining above them, and the sound of crickets chirping closer to the water's edge.
*~*~*
Three days had passed since Regulus had shown up at Sirius' doorstep, cold and shivering, and already they had fallen into a sort of routine. They worked around one another as if it had always been this way, and in a way it felt like it really had. Regulus woke up first, and made coffee, and breakfast for himself. Sat at the table reading the Prophet. Noon rolled around, and Sirius would be up, groggily sipping his coffee and eating whatever breakfast he decided upon that morning, and they would discuss their plans for the day.
Usually, it was Regulus who came up with the idea for the day. Sometimes they would ride the motorbike in the country like before, and other times they would go out on the town, shopping, getting coffee - whatever. Perhaps that was why his brother's next decision made Sirius' eyebrows disappear quickly behind his bangs. “You want to stay here today?” he inquired, his tone portraying his evident disbelief. “But there isn't anything interesting to do here.”
Regulus just nodded and sipped his coffee, the pages of the Prophet rustling as he turned them. “I'm sure there are plenty of interesting things to do,” he responded dubiously, deft fingers quickly folding the paper shut again and setting it aside on the table. “You just aren't clever enough to think of anything,” he challenged playfully, hiding his smile behind his mug.
Sirius scoffed. “Oh, my pride,” he retorted, though his own grin had nowhere to hide.
This was how they found themselves in Sirius' sitting room a few hours later, doing none other than Sirius' least favorite pass-time; reading. Regulus was sprawled across the ancient sofa, his head propped up by two cushions, feet crossed, and looking absolutely at home there with a book on his lap. Sirius wasn't so lucky. He'd gotten the even more-uncomfortable arm chair out of their seating arrangement, and he absolutely loathed reading.
It wasn't like he wasn't trying or anything. Oh no, he was trying quite hard, thank you very much. But every time he tried to drag his eyes across the page, the text seemed to swim in his vision and dance about until it was almost headache-inducing. Irritated, he pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index fingers, and then tried again for the umpteenth time. Suddenly, there was a snort off to his left, and his eyes shot up to find Regulus stifling a laugh behind the back of his hand. “What's so funny?” he demanded, quirking an eyebrow at him.
“Your face,” Regulus responded, eventually quieting down his sudden bout of laughing.
“Oh shut up!” Sirius fired back, but he was so happy to hear the boy laugh that he hardly remembered that he was supposed to be offended.
*~*~*
“Fuck...”
The soft, cool trail that the tongue left in its wake was enough to send a shiver shooting up his spine. He couldn't suppress the soft gasp that was torn from his throat, his head falling back, dark hair tumbling over his shoulder as he moved.
The other young man never slowed in his movements, his tender lips and hot breath moving down his torso until he reached the band of his boxers. Warm hands slid down the backs of his thighs, grabbing the bottoms of the light material and tugging until they slid down, leaving his hardened cock exposed.
The pair of warm lips that wrapped around him a moment later made him writhe in pleasure, another noise of longing pulled from the back of his throat, fingers tangling in the boy's shorter, dark locks. Sirius panted quietly, his hips pressing against that hot, wet heat, wanting more but his voice wasn't working enough for him to ask for it.
Suddenly, the feeling was gone, but the boy's breath was hot against his cock as he spoke, lips brushing the sensitive flesh. “Look at me.”
For whatever reason, he didn't want to, but Merlin, he wanted that mouth back on him again. Sliding his eyes open again and tipping his head forward, Sirius let himself look down. Another touch from those skilled hands, and he was lost, emptying himself with a strangled cry.
When Sirius jolted awake that night, his entire body was covered in sweat. His hair was sticking to his forehead, his heart was hammering in his chest, and there was a definite sense of discomfort below his waist. Working hard to collect his thoughts, and get his breathing under control, Sirius quickly untangled himself from the sheets that were trying so hard to cling to his body, throwing himself out of bed quicker than he ever had before.
He hurried into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him and locking it. Sirius hardly chanced a glance in the mirror as he peeled off what clothing he had on, and his reflection disgusted him. He was flushed, as he'd expected, but also strangely pale, and more than anything else - aroused. He felt dirty. He turned the shower on cold, full blast, and stepped into the stream, his eyes closed in relief as the cool water both shocked him and felt good all at once.
Despite this, though, as he showered off, he couldn't escape flashes of that dream. That terrible...wonderful dream. Sirius tried hard to push the thoughts from his mind - the soft touches, the warmth of his lips... He shuddered, and moved until he was directly under the rush of freezing cold water, letting it wash over him and cleanse him.
Finally satisfied, his skin covered in goosebumps, Sirius stepped out of the shower and wrapped a white towel around his waist, using another to dry his hair. His reflection in the mirror looked better than before, but the sight of it made his stomach clench painfully. Those eyes. When he'd met them, he'd known just who it was that he was dreaming about. There was no mistaking them.
And he was utterly and completely screwed.
*~*~*
Sirius could hardly believe that Regulus had been with him for two weeks already. In those two weeks, they had, in his opinion, grown closer than they had ever been, even growing up. Every move they made seemed to revolve around the other, however subtly.
Regulus had decided that, today, they were going to go riding again. He'd said he wanted to go back to the lake and camp out, and Sirius had whole-heartedly agreed. They'd spent the majority of the morning packing things they would need into a small bag that was charmed to be much larger on the inside. Camping gear, blankets, pillows, a small amount of food, and of course - alcohol. Sirius claimed that you couldn't have a good camping trip without the booze.
As they rode down the familiar country roads, Sirius let his mind wander, Regulus' warm body pressed against his back. Some part of him knew that, with the end of summer drawing nearer, Regulus would have to leave soon. Plus he couldn't keep up the facade of staying with Narcissa much longer either, before his parents would get suspicious. There was a sense of...finality as they rode along that afternoon and pulled off the road, making their way up to the top of that hill again.
By the time they'd gotten their camp set up and their small fire lit, night was already falling around them, casting dark, moving shadows on the ground around their tiny campsite. They were sitting in the grass, facing the lake, almost shoulder to shoulder. A bottle of beer was being passed between them, but neither spoke, afraid to disrupt this sense of contentment.
As the world around them continued to grow darker, fading slowly into black, and then an eerie blue when the moon began to rise, the buzz in their ears grew louder. Time passed slower, and suddenly, the world didn't seem so dark. The alcohol was beginning to cloud both of their brains, and after a while, a game of sorts had started up. With every sip you took, you had to answer a question truthfully, and then ask one in return. It had been going on for some time now, and at first it had been mainly serious things, like had their parents ever raised a hand against Regulus, or had Sirius ever been in contact with them after he'd left. Now, though, they'd moved on to lighter, funnier, questions.
“Who was the first girl you ever kissed?” Regulus asked as he handed the beer over to Sirius.
The boy in question laughed, thinking about it for a moment. “Dorcas Meadows,” he responded, taking a swig. He just grinned as he passed it back over, just from the look on Regulus' face. “Same question, back to you.”
Regulus took it easily and took another sip. “Never been kissed,” he responded simply.
“Never?”
“That's two questions,” Regulus chided, grinning at Sirius over the lip of the bottle. “But no, never. First girlfriend?”
“Never had one,” Sirius replied, and had to reach over and take the bottle from him. “What?”
Regulus just blinked at him. “You said you'd kissed Dorcas, though!”
“First kiss with a bird. And the last.” Sirius laughed quietly, putting the drink down beside him on the grass. “And my question to you is... Can I kiss you?” He was already leaned in fairly close - he could see the tiny freckles that littered Regulus' face, gathering in a small cluster especially around his nose. He didn't know what prompted him to ask the question, but at the same time, he expected the answer to be 'no'.
He was surprised, albeit pleasantly, when Regulus just nodded, and Sirius hadn't realized just how drunk either of them were before the younger boy leaned forward, and their lips met. It all happened so fast that Sirius hardly had time to register it - it was just a brief brush of lips at first. That was all it was intended to be. But all of the sudden, his arm was wrapping around Regulus' waist, pulling him closer, and tongues were clashing, breath was heating up, and Regulus was allowing himself to be pushed back, onto the grass.
In this drunken haze, all Sirius could think was here, now, I want this. He didn't let himself think of the consequences, or the countless reasons as to why they shouldn't be even considering doing this. The pressure of Regulus' lips against his, the feeling of his warm body underneath his hands, was enough to intoxicate him fully. Gently, he slid a hand between them, urging Regulus backwards until his back made contact with the soft grass, and Sirius took the opportunity to crawl over him. Never once did he let their lips part, wanting to keep up the contact. On one hand, he wanted to take this slow - he didn't want to scare him, but on the other he wanted it now. He'd never been the most patient of people at the best of times.
A trait, it seemed, that Regulus also possessed. He arched his body off of the grass, pressing himself against Sirius, needing to feel that connection that neither one of them could explain. As their hips connected, a jolt of electricity coursed through Sirius' body, heading straight for his groin, and he let a soft groan pass through his lips and into Regulus' waiting mouth.
Right. Waiting, it seemed, was not going to be an option.
Sirius ran his hand down his brother's side, trying to go as slowly as he could, feeling him under him. At the same time, he never let up with the gentle kisses, only moving from his lips to his jaw, littering every centimeter of exposed flesh with soft brushes of his lips. After a moment, he sat back, gently urging the shirt up the lithe body. He felt his breath catch in his throat as he exposed more of his skin, and he felt a familiar kick to his gut, his heart speeding up a little in his chest.
He let his darkened, lust-filled eyes run over his chest and neck as he pulled the shirt off, letting the light material fall to the ground a little ways off. He couldn't believe how similar they were, and yet how different. Sirius' own body was slightly fuller, having had lots of hearty meals from Mrs. Potter, and he had bigger bones. Regulus was more delicate, finely and intricately carved, like a statue.
The moonlight was playing off of the milky-white skin that hadn't seen nearly as much sun as Sirius' had, and he couldn't stop himself from expressing the one thought that ran through his head; “Beautiful.” Regulus' eyes flickered open, and their eyes met in the darkness. Not wanting to explain himself, Sirius dipped his head, claiming his lips again.
It wasn't long after that both boys found themselves exposed to the moonlight and the countryside, the lake and owls the only witnesses to their beautiful sin. The way that Regulus twisted and panted his name was almost enough to drive Sirius over the edge right there, and he hadn't even done anything just yet. He kissed his brother's lips very softly, silently asking permission with his eyes.
He stretched him slowly, carefully, not wanting to apply too much pressure on him. He wanted him to know that he could still back out if he wanted. However, with the way that his brother's slim fingers were gripping his shoulders, his back and hips arching into him, there was almost no chance of that.
He silenced Regulus' pained cry with his lips as he pushed inside him, the relief pulsating through him in waves. “Fuck...” He murmured against his lips, forcing himself to still so that Regulus could adjust. It was hard to do - Merlin, he was tight. And it felt so good... He hissed softly as those angular hips shifted beneath him, and he couldn't hold back from giving a little thrust into his body. That earned a pleased, quiet groan, and Sirius was immediately lost. Suddenly, he didn't care about holding himself back - He wanted it, herefastnow.
He slid his fingers through Regulus', lifting them above his head and pinning them to the grass as their bodies moved together, sweat and heat building between them until the pleasure was dizzying. He felt the familiar heat curling in the very pit of his stomach, and fuck, it had been so long...
He released one of Regulus' hands to reach down and grip his cock, pumping him in time with each deep, hard movement that he made. The gasps and noises of approval were all he needed, and in just a few moments, he was spilling himself into Regulus, his hand still pumping his brother's cock. One more stroke, and it was done, leaving the two panting as Sirius collapsed on top of him, his form quivering from the strain and utter exhaustion.
*~*~*
The next morning, Sirius was awoken by a harsh white light. At first, when he blinked his eyes open, he was certain that something was definitely wrong. He was in St. Mungo's- no wait, there was something scratchy underneath him. He frowned, squinting against the light, and brought a hand up to rub at his eyes. As everything started to come into focus, a flood of memories hit him hard. Simultaneously he was accosted by a splitting pain in his head, the amount of alcohol consumed the night before catching up with him. Groaning groggily, he pinched the bridge of his nose and sat up, causing a sudden rush of blood to his head. Fuck, he hated hangovers.
As suddenly as that rush had come, it was gone, replaced instead by a feeling of dizzying nausea in the pit of his stomach. And that wasn't because of all of the drinking he'd done the previous evening. While his head had turned, Sirius had registered two things: One, that he was very naked, and two, that his brother was lying beside him, equally exposed to the world. Regulus was still asleep, curled up on his side, facing away from Sirius, but the older boy knew exactly what he'd done. Feeling the bile rise to the back of his throat, he shakily stood, feeling completely and utterly filthy. Crossing his arms over his chest and giving a single look back to Regulus, he began the slow descent down the rather steep embankment. The breeze from the lake was cold against his naked form, but he ignored it, the feeling clearing up his head as he walked. He needed to cleanse himself of this... He didn't know what it was.
The water was absolutely freezing when he plunged into it, but he didn't care. It was a sharp blast to his senses, and he abruptly felt awake, the haze from his hangover starting to ebb away. He stayed beneath the surface for as long as he could, holding his breath and closing his eyes, blocking out the world. It was some time later that he finally emerged from his icy sanctuary and made his way back up the hill, dripping from head to foot. He was chilled, almost to the bone. Some part of him had come to terms with the fact that, yes, he had slept with his younger brother. The rest was still in disgusted denial.
He returned from the tent fully clothed, and as he moved past Regulus, something caught his eye. There were black markings on Regulus' skin, which, at first glance, Sirius took to be dirt. However, his interest piqued, he moved closer, looking at the lines that obscured the creamy flesh. Drawing nearer, the shape became clearer, and Sirius felt his stomach drop straight to the ground. On his brother's arm, right there, was the sign of something completely and utterly evil. Suddenly, Sirius felt sick all over again, not even bothering to be gentle as he reached out and grasped his wrist, yanking Regulus into a sitting position.
“What the fuck is this?” he demanded, his voice sounding loud, angry and hurt all at the same time - foreign even to his ears.
Regulus' eyes widened in bleary, sleepy, hung-over confusion. “What-”
“This,” Sirius insisted angrily, pointing to the marking on his arm. His grip still hadn't loosened, even as the realization was starting to show on his brother's face, and he struggled. “What is it? What did you do?” He let Regulus pull his arm away, going to massage his wrist. Sirius watched the panic flash across his features, his mind obviously racing as he tried to think of what to say. Some excuse to get out of this.
“Sirius, you've got to calm down! I-”
“They put you up to this, didn't they?” Abruptly, Sirius' voice lost its volume, dropping down to a low whisper, practically a growl. “They made you join him.” He should have known that his parents would enforce this. Make him join forces with the Dark Lord that was quickly rising. It was the talk of all the papers, the subject of all the whispers in town, in the restaurants, on the street. Fuck, how had he not known about this?
Regulus looked down, a hand moving automatically to cover his arm. Funny that he would cover that, and yet he didn't seem bothered at all by the fact that he was still very naked, his skin stark against the green grass. Suddenly, the tears were coming, and Sirius found he didn't know what to do. On one hand, he was furious with Regulus for doing something so absolutely stupid. On the other, he was his little brother, and it was his job to make it better when he cried. In the end, his brotherly instinct took over, and his expression softened, moving to wrap an arm around him.
“Hey, it's okay,” Sirius murmured, pulling him close. He was reminded vaguely of when they were younger and Regulus would come to him, sobbing with a scraped knee, and he would comfort him then, too. However, this sort of thing wasn't quite covered in the handbook of familial duties. Sirius couldn't quite remember a 'My brother just joined dark forces thanks to my parents' section.
When Regulus had calmed down considerably - it didn't take very long - Sirius pulled back, holding him at arm's length so he could look him in the eyes. “When did this happen?” he demanded.
Regulus looked down again. “The day I came to your flat,” he responded, his voice quiet, barely even a whisper, but Sirius heard. His stomach twisted guiltily. Regulus had come to him, and he hadn't even been smart enough to find out what was wrong that day.
“I'm sorry, Reg.” Sorry for everything - for abandoning him all those years ago, and for not realizing that something this large was happening in his brother's life, and he'd been too aloof to notice.
For his part, Regulus seemed to understand. The two pulled themselves together, Regulus got dressed, and the two spent the rest of the day just enjoying the company. Neither spoke of what had happened the night before, although it was certainly never far from either of their minds. There was a feeling that settled over them, as midday turned into mid-afternoon, and they began to pack up their things, that today... this was it. But they didn't say that. If they didn't say it, it mightn't be so hard when the time came.
*~*~*
Beep!
Beep!
Be-!
Sirius opened his eyes groggily. It shouldn't be time to wake up yet, should it? He squinted into the darkness, reaching for his alarm clock, only to find that it wasn't what was making the noise. There was an envelope hovering just by his face, illuminated by the moonlight as it fluttered about impatiently, making a loud beeping noise. He frowned, and looked over his shoulder, his stomach turning a flip at what he saw. Or rather, what he didn't see. Regulus wasn't there. The bed was made up on his side, and Sirius knew what it meant, even before he grabbed the envelope out of the air and opened it, silencing its noise-making. A flick of his wand turned on the lights in the room, and Sirius' eyes scanned over the familiar, elegant writing.
Sirius,
I know this is sudden, and rude on top of that, but I thought this would be the best way. Mother will be getting worried if I'm not home soon - well. I say worried. I think we both know the translation of that. But I wanted to thank you, for taking me in, and giving me the best summer I've had since you left. Don't worry about me - I don't support the Dark Lord. You have to know that. I don't know what's going to happen, and yes, I'm scared, but you can't help me, not this time. This is something I've got to do on my own, maybe I can do something to help. I'm tired of being our parents' puppet; I want to do something great with my life, and you've helped me come to this decision.
So thank you, for everything. And I love you.
Your brother, now and always,
R.
So that was it, then. Regulus was gone, and all he'd left was this note. Somehow though, Sirius couldn't begrudge him for it. In spite of his age, Sirius couldn't deny that, out of the two of them, Regulus was the one with more wisdom to speak of. There was a part of him that burned intensely with the desire to go to him, to help him, get him away from the group of people, if you could call them that, that he was associating himself with. But a larger part still told him that he couldn't, that Regulus was right.
Suddenly, there was a tapping at his window, and Sirius looked up sharply. The ghostly face of a barn owl - James' from the looks of it - stared back at him. Dropping the piece of parchment, Sirius moved over to the window and opened it, letting the bird inside as it stuck out its leg, and he took the little roll from it. Instead of vying for a treat, it sat there, gazing at him through its small, beady eyes, like it was on a mission or something.
With a frown, Sirius looked down at the parchment, unrolling it and looking over James' equally familiar scrawl. The letter was long, and detailed, depicting the starting up of a new group. A group that was against Lord Voldemort, as he was called, that would fight for the citizens of the wizarding world. A group, headed by the great wizard Albus Dumbledore, that would be named The Order of the Phoenix. As soon as he saw the words on the page, Sirius knew what he had to do. He might not be able to help Regulus directly, but he could help from his side of the fence, so to speak. He would fight for their world, the one that Regulus had never truly gotten to know.
Sirius hauled himself out of bed to write a response, suddenly filled completely with the feeling that yes, this was what he was meant to do. He looked at the clock, and a faint smile spread across his face.
3:33 am.
An early start to the first day of the rest of his life. And he was ready for it.