Never A Full Puzzle
So...been a few months since I wrote an entry about things other than comics or fan fiction. Guess I hadn't felt a need. To many thoughts in the head and I just vocalized them to most anyways. Dunno what spurred on this writing but it's here. I'm ten days away from my 25th birthday. As of this month I've been graduated and attending (cept for like eight months off) college for seven years now. I guess the point is...I'm reflecting on my life a lot more right now. Where I've been...where I'm going...and where I've failed. Seven years...one would think I should be in grad school by now on the way to a Masters. I wish. I don't even have a Bachelor degree yet. I screwed around and dropped classes and failed classes left and right for years, I gave up caring even though at the same time I did care. Can't go back to the University I was at cause of those bad mistakes now being used against me to screw me over. I started at community college just to be in school and maybe work my way back...but I started the same process there again. I'm sort of making it this semester, after I didn't show up to the Tues/Thursday classes and got dropped. Still have the Monday/Wednesday classes though.
I lie. A lot. It hurts me that I do it but I just can't bear to see the disappointment in my parents eyes if I tell the truth about my shitty school self. And a fear of them kicking me out, even though I know they won't. Can't get a job even after two years of looking. There are more people unemployed in California now than there are in all of San Francisco. I'm one of them. It sucks. It really does. I had an awesome job and I threw it away to galevant off to Utah after a girl that didn't even feel the same way about me that I did her. My life has been a series of bad choices the last few years, one after the other. I miss my friends from Togos. So very much. I screwed it up bad. I just took off and didn't call or text or much of anything. I put the strain there that led to there being almost no friendship left. I want to reach out sometimes and just try chatting again with some of them on messengers or such...but I'm afraid. Afraid I'll be rejected after ending things as a poor friend.
I'm lonely. Very very lonely lately. I don't say this as regret for my recent break-up. Bitterness on both sides put aside, it was bound to happen. The problem was that we both were growing and changing, and it wasn't in the same direction. I'm lonely in that I look around and the only friends I have are online and long distance. They are fantastic but it's not the same as having a friend in town to see a movie with or hang out with. It takes me a long time to make friends, and usually in a situation like a job working together. I can't and dont' just walk up to strangers and make a pal. Just not me.
All this said and done....I do have a good life. I have a roof over my head. I have food. I have a sister and parents that love me very much and are here for me. I have relatively good health. It's a good life. There is just parts missing...never a complete puzzle.Though in the end...aren't we all at some point a puzzle missing a few pieces?