I fear Love
So have you ever been truely madly deeply in love with someone? Someone that you cared sooooo fuckin' much about. But you couldn't have them because you had to fuckin' live far away? or some other stupid bullshit like that? Well I'm in that boat, and it's killing Me. Like seriously. All I want is to make her happy and all I want is her, and I can't have her because she doesn't want to cheat on Me and she knows she will if we are in a long distance relationship, and it fuckin' sucks, ya know? I mean, it's great that she's lookin' out for My feelings and whatever, but it fucking sucks and it fucking hurts. It hurts to love someone this fuckin' much and be sooooooooooo fucking scared that she'll find someone else and I'll be wipped out of the picture. I'll be "that guy that's obsessed with Me" and I don't want to be that. I don't want to get pushed aside for someone that's there. It petrifies Me... that and she has soo many guys in her life that make her un-happy and it pisses Me off sooo fuckin' much. I just want to deck them all in the face and then kick them in the nuts. I want to hold her in My arms and protect her from the whole fuckin' world and I can't, and she won't let Me even if I could. I'm sooo fuckin' scared of losing her... and I'm soo fuckin' scared of finding out that she really doesn't like Me (I don't think that one will happen), but I'm soo fuckin' scared of her likin' someone more than Me... I mean, How often do I wait for someone? Honestly.... Never! You guys know that. I can't stand waiting, the fear scares Me too fuckin' bad. I hate being scared, I'm scared of everything. I'm the biggest fuckin' panzie in the world! I just hide it. Sometimes better than others....... I want her to be happy... That's My one big wish... I mean, I can accept her being happy with someone else. I really wish I could be the one to make her happy, but I can settle for just her happiness. Now I know that I say this about alot of people, but seriously, have I ever waited this fuckin' long for someone and still held on as strongly as I am now? I just.... I'm scared, and I want to run away. I want to run away from My emotions or My fear... but that would mean running away from her and I couldn't do that... not in a million years. I couldn't leave her like that. I couldn't hurt her like that. She deserves soo much more than she gets in life, and I could never give her all the she deserves but I would damn sure try.... It's just really fuckin' hard on Me that I have to sit here, 1000 miles away (shh that number is a random number, shut it) and hope to god that she doesn't find someone within the next year..... and hope to god that I get a job good enough to go see her a few times while I'm in school. It just.. scares Me. No one waits for Me, so why should I expect her to ya know? that... that scares Me. *deep sigh* I'm done.