Love
Dear God,
What is love?
Having found my first love and suffering my first heart break, it is making me wonder if my feelings are the true, genuine, one of a kind, never live with out you kind of thing. More than three months after the break up I find the idea of losing him immensely painful. I’m pretty sure I’d do anything, and I mean anything, to keep him in my life. I can say with complete certainty that he is my first thought in the morning, and my last before I fall asleep. His voice still does this strange thing to my stomach. I find myself staring at the phone wondering when he’ll talk to me again. I crave his touch more than I’ve ever craved anything. He makes me want to settle and be a wife and mother. To be that homemaker I’ve insulted the last few years of existence.
If my feelings are so strong then, why aren’t they returned? Why do we fall in love with people who don’t love us back? What good is that to the human race? Must we really suffer so badly to know what it’s like when we find ‘the one’? Explain to me how emotional pain that is so strong in actual turns physical is going to help me hold on to my true love. Why have a first love in the first place? You never get the parts you gave back. Isn’t that unfair to the one you spend the rest of your life with; that they’ll never truly have all of you?
So, I’m asking you God to lead me in the right direction. Help me find my path. Help him find his. If he really isn’t the one, please show me the plan behind all this pain before I can’t take it anymore. I have been through so much with him; more than a lot of married couples. It hurts to watch him go, to pull away. I feel like he’s taking more and more of my heart as he does it. I can literally feel him taking my heart away. I want it back.
Let me be whole again.
Let me smile again.
Let me love again.