Ennui
It might seem pretentious, but its also quite relentless, this feeling of ennui. Sometimes I feel as if I need things, want things, feel things, but typically I just float. And it is said that someone else shouldn't add meaning to your life, but if they can't, then what can? Two zeroes don't add up to anything so far as I remember. It's so distressing, this emotion, coupled with the knowledge that it won't last. Like in depression, one remembers, just barely, that this isn't all there is.
When I wake up feeling happy, I never question that emotion, never wonder what makes things worthwhile for today. Then when I am lost in the doldrums I don't know how to get out and I just blunder around for a bit. There is always the desire to self-impose the methods, and rules that I have learned should leave one satisfied. Satisfaction, that's what I'm missing. So hard to remember while you're up, what being down is like.
Maybe that's the key I'm missing. Happiness is its own reward, or is that honesty? There isn't a need to figure out why, but how can I deal with that. Why, is my dedication, my modus operandi. I can't just leave it in the dust for things that exist for their own sake, can I? The best answer to why is always: why not? A question with a question sometimes seems to defeat both, but often it defeats my misery.
When I wake up feeling happy, I never question that emotion, never wonder what makes things worthwhile for today. Then when I am lost in the doldrums I don't know how to get out and I just blunder around for a bit. There is always the desire to self-impose the methods, and rules that I have learned should leave one satisfied. Satisfaction, that's what I'm missing. So hard to remember while you're up, what being down is like.
Maybe that's the key I'm missing. Happiness is its own reward, or is that honesty? There isn't a need to figure out why, but how can I deal with that. Why, is my dedication, my modus operandi. I can't just leave it in the dust for things that exist for their own sake, can I? The best answer to why is always: why not? A question with a question sometimes seems to defeat both, but often it defeats my misery.