(no subject)
Sometimes it is a dangerous thing to give a voice to hope...I don't usually, out loud at least I keep it quiet, and watchful and wary. Hope is alive for me, but it is a quiet private thing to be savored and sustained alone or not at all. There are moments when hope, or infatuation or wonder strikes me so strongly that I want to scream out loud or tell everyone I meet about how I feel but I am quiet, what I cannot say then I try to say now. Not specific things, that would be as dangerous to me as saying them out loud, that would be as dangerous as promising myself to set a goal and going for it, giving that possibility of failure and the equally frightening possibility of achievement. There are times when I know what I want, but I also know what I am willing to allow other people to think that I want, it is worrisome to me that there should be out there people that know what I want, it seems that someone could use this against me, is it not cooler and safer to pretend that nothing interests one, to appear considerate and consumed and thoughtful without tying oneself to anything, this is my brilliant disguise, it seems so see-through sometimes. Hope isn't always the same as desire but for me it usually is. Hope is just the hope that I might get what I want, that I might tell someone else what I want, that I might help myself to what I want. The difference between people is so easy to tell sometimes, usually when it is simplest, if Maria wants something she asks someone, if she is in a store she'll ask a clerk, if she is in a restaurant she asks a server, I would sooner search the store and then ask where something is, I would sooner accept what was my lot than attempt to rectify the situation with a server. What is it that makes me feel so vulnerable when someone else wants to help me, what is it that makes me cringe at the thought of being reliant completely on another person that keeps me from hoping out loud. They always seem to be questions these things I ask, like some backwards jeopardy and the winner is the person that can provide the answers? Wait jeopardy is already backwards, I just described regular question asking, well no matter, I should just look for the right answers and maybe someone else will ask the questions. Do you ever feel like doing that, like grabbing hold of something (or someone) or following some radical course of action without forethought and then once you reach your conclusion you just want other people to ask you the right questions. Sometimes that is exactly how I feel, that is exactly what I do, in social situations with people that you don't know the answers are almost always inane, obvious or unimportant, but asking the right questions is the most important part. The answers don't usually matter, it is the questions that define you. It's a tricky game, I don't really like to play, you can forfeit if you just don't play, I just don't ask questions, I'm actually hoping for answers when I ask questions, I'm not just playing a game, maybe that's what makes me so quiet. Look at the text it just piles along, without paragraphs, I just want you to keep reading, for you to find something worthwhile in what I have to say, if I put in paragraphs it looks too long, too organized, too situated. All jumbled together you know I don't take myself too seriously, and once again I don't have to commit to anything, I can always say I wrote it while I was drunk...or can I? It seems simple when I look back at a day, just something I wanted to say that I didn't, a question that I wanted to ask but that would reveal too much about my intentions if I asked it. That's probably how I learned to be secretive, if no one knows what you want then no one knows who you are, and they can't hurt you, sometimes its a painful world out there, though I'm avoiding the people that are purposely damaging not the accidental offenders that even I can be now and again. God I wish I had people to myself sometimes that's the only time I really feel safe, group dynamics are complicated and dangerous, I am completely myself when I am alone, and I am completely glad to be myself when I am with one other person.