(no subject)
OK..just got back from seeing a movie with the girl. Was ok, pleasant. But this isn't right. Not when I know now its pretty much inevitable that she's going to start something, however brief/serious/whatever, with this new guy. If it wasnt for the magic plant right now I don't think I'd be able to stay calm. Need to hold on for two more weeks before getting back to Scotland. After that, who knows?
On another subject, I thought Tom Cruise was pretty funny in Colateral. The guy is just one of those people who can be pretty special.
I want to play guitar again. I want a band. I think I may even want long hair, possibly dreaded eventually. I want to work in a music/coffee/book store. I want to work my hours then come home, chill out, play guitar, read books, watch DVDs, get mellow then hit the sack. What I don't want right now, is to be headed for a career, or spilling my guts trying to get into one. I'm not even 21 yet. I want to be juvenile. I want to act like a normal teenage boy, since I didn't have the chance during my teenagehood. Do other guys get like that?
I want to have flings, without worrying if it'll lead to anything more serious. If it was Em (special girl), I'd prob throw all of that away to get serious with her again just now. Maybe that wouldn't be good for me. I mean, if she was to realise tomorrow that we deserved that last chance, I'd probably ditch the plan to go back to Scotland, and set about being the best boyfriend I could be. But would it make either of us happy in the long run? Em can read me like a book. She told me she thought I should probably have some flings. I wasn't interested. But in all these years of yearning to be male, I've neglected the most important thing I should be focussing on; who am I?
At the age of 16 I tried desperately hard to live happily as a normal girl. I went to the clubs my friends liked, even though I hated the music. But of course I continued to listen to it. Now I know, while I still enjoy some pop tracks I hear on the radio, I like rock. Always have done but not to the level that I do now. I want to see even where that takes me. I've been told I have a nice voice. Maybe I'll like it when it becomes male. So maybe when I get through a bit of t I'll try starting that band. Maybe become a rock n roll star ;) I suppose what I'm saying is, I'm almost 21, I'm about to embark on a new stage in my physical life (albeit not for a few months yet), I'm now single (not through choice and I'm devastated but who hasn't been at some point?) and so maybe, this isn't as bad a time as it looks just now. Maybe now I can learn who I am. Maybe I need to take some time on my own to find that stuff out. I have this feeling about Em (maybe because I know the reason the relationship ended was because of my insecurities over my gender status), that our time together hasn't come to a complete end. I just have this feeling that somewhere down the line our paths will cross again, and I will be the person I need to be. I have this feeling that, if that stuff was out the way, we could have the most amazing relationship - we already did until I went crazy about the gender stuff. So maybe now I should open the next chapter of my life. It's scary as hell, but if I didn't take the chance on moving to England, I never would've met Em, and I probably would've been nowhere as near transitioning as I am now. Chances are worth taking. You have to keep updating and refreshing your life and mind. So that's what I have to do. Have I just had an epiphany? Or is it tiredness talking? Who knows. Whatcha gonna do? :)
Ste
On another subject, I thought Tom Cruise was pretty funny in Colateral. The guy is just one of those people who can be pretty special.
I want to play guitar again. I want a band. I think I may even want long hair, possibly dreaded eventually. I want to work in a music/coffee/book store. I want to work my hours then come home, chill out, play guitar, read books, watch DVDs, get mellow then hit the sack. What I don't want right now, is to be headed for a career, or spilling my guts trying to get into one. I'm not even 21 yet. I want to be juvenile. I want to act like a normal teenage boy, since I didn't have the chance during my teenagehood. Do other guys get like that?
I want to have flings, without worrying if it'll lead to anything more serious. If it was Em (special girl), I'd prob throw all of that away to get serious with her again just now. Maybe that wouldn't be good for me. I mean, if she was to realise tomorrow that we deserved that last chance, I'd probably ditch the plan to go back to Scotland, and set about being the best boyfriend I could be. But would it make either of us happy in the long run? Em can read me like a book. She told me she thought I should probably have some flings. I wasn't interested. But in all these years of yearning to be male, I've neglected the most important thing I should be focussing on; who am I?
At the age of 16 I tried desperately hard to live happily as a normal girl. I went to the clubs my friends liked, even though I hated the music. But of course I continued to listen to it. Now I know, while I still enjoy some pop tracks I hear on the radio, I like rock. Always have done but not to the level that I do now. I want to see even where that takes me. I've been told I have a nice voice. Maybe I'll like it when it becomes male. So maybe when I get through a bit of t I'll try starting that band. Maybe become a rock n roll star ;) I suppose what I'm saying is, I'm almost 21, I'm about to embark on a new stage in my physical life (albeit not for a few months yet), I'm now single (not through choice and I'm devastated but who hasn't been at some point?) and so maybe, this isn't as bad a time as it looks just now. Maybe now I can learn who I am. Maybe I need to take some time on my own to find that stuff out. I have this feeling about Em (maybe because I know the reason the relationship ended was because of my insecurities over my gender status), that our time together hasn't come to a complete end. I just have this feeling that somewhere down the line our paths will cross again, and I will be the person I need to be. I have this feeling that, if that stuff was out the way, we could have the most amazing relationship - we already did until I went crazy about the gender stuff. So maybe now I should open the next chapter of my life. It's scary as hell, but if I didn't take the chance on moving to England, I never would've met Em, and I probably would've been nowhere as near transitioning as I am now. Chances are worth taking. You have to keep updating and refreshing your life and mind. So that's what I have to do. Have I just had an epiphany? Or is it tiredness talking? Who knows. Whatcha gonna do? :)
Ste