life.....

Dec 23, 2005 02:12

im sitting in my game room in the dark. there's no sound...except my dad's computer thinking... it thinks a lot and is very loud, i wish i could go shut it off...i want to be quiet. christmas is usually one of my favorite times of the year....key word...usually. this year really sucks though. and its not just the phil thing. it's everything. nothing feels like home anymore. yes, i am sleeping in my bed, eating my mom's food, using my bathroom, going to drew's, even going to the hish school. but nothing feels right anymore. everything has changed... i always knew it would i was just hoping it would off for a little bit longer. for example, this year on christmas morning, instead of 7 or 8 people in my house for christmas, there will be 4. my mom, my dad, james, and me. and im sure a lot of you are thinking "well thats normal for me!" well its not for me. its tradition in my house that the youngest two get up around 6:50 on christmas morning and go around waking up everyone else. we would start with Jon, then move to Richard, and finally Annie. and then, right at 7 we would all go into our parents room and wake them up. when we were little we would all go jump on their bed, being extremely careful not to squish anyone, but now that we're older, we're gentler. then after my parents finally woke up, we would wait for them to put on their robes and we'd all go to the back stairs. my dad would go down the stairs and we would all have to wait for him. he had to go check and make sure Santa had come. he would slowly amble back to the stairs that we had to go back to bed because Santa had not come. this was our cue to rush down the stairs to the family room. obviously my dad had been lying... of course Santa had come. but we couldnt dig into our presents just yet. first we go through our stockings and find all the little goodies that had been left there. then we were allowed to go to the tree and open our gifts. and when we were done, around nine or ten, we would go have fresh squeezed orange juice and banana pineapple bread (dont knock it till you've tried it). and we spend the rest of the day playing with all our new toys and games. or we'd take a nap. but this year, there is no Annie, no Richard, and no Jon. it is going to be so strange and sometimes i just want to sit down and cry. and i did tonight. when alyx dropped me off i turned on the christmas tree, turned off the lights and cried for about 20 minutes. i cried for my family, i cried for my brother, i cried for phil, i cried for drew, i cried for christmas, and i cried for me. i didnt cry for grant and alyx becacuse they have nothing to cry about, or at least nothing that i know of... i've never really believed myself to be an optomistic person. but christmas has never let me down. even when my dad was on call on christmas, i was too young to be distracted by that. but this year, christmas has really let me down. it seems like i have lost so much. ive lost my best friend, and ive lost my family. i miss my brother. he's coming home soon, but not soon enough. not soon enough to have some semblance of a normal christmas. i always knew that we couldnt have family christmas's forever. i just need a family christmas right now. i need my siblings, its just not the same without them. and its so hard to do this alone. whenever i would get in one of these moods last year, phil was always there. he would just hold me and let me cry. there was one time, and he probably doesnt even remember this, but i was over at his house and i was getting ready to leave and an army commercial came on. i lost it. right then and there at his front door. i just started crying and i couldnt stop. he just took me in his arms and told me that it was going to be ok. who's going to tell me its going to be ok now? i dont want to be alone....especially not on christmas. but there will always be some one better than me, and some one prettier. and i will be overlooked, again and again. there is nothing worse than being alone on christmas.....
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