Sobriety II (Gideon continues) Pt 3
Author: Scotianova
Beta-fairy: Carol38
Disclaimer: I don't own them and writing about them is just for fun.
Genre/Moods: Insecurity, hurt, illumination leading to COMFORT :)
Pairing: Of course this journey is about Luke and Reid, however Gideon Masterson,
Reid’s assistant, and some other characters are joining them.
Warning: Noah is there - but less narrow-minded as I usually picture him.
Rating: sexual contents in some chapters
AN 1: This is my first attempt to write a multi-chapter story in the first-person-perspectives. It’s kind of a
correspondent-story to ‘Farouche’.
AN 2: And it's kind of homage to a very special man, my best friend!
AN 2: Gideon is NOT Reid’s love interest!
Summary: “I thought I was in control of everything. Structure, strategy, methodology meant almost everything to me; I had figured out my whole life - my professional and my personal. Then I met fate - face to face - I met it several times. But only the last encounter made me
understand: There is an elemental force out there. Call it fate, call it God, call it coincidence - whatever name you put on it doesn’t matter,
but it’s there and you are powerless to fight it. You are supposed to go with it.” (Reid S. Oliver, MD, professor of neurology at Harvard Medical School)
Gideon continues
“… You’re back…”
Luke S. doesn’t sound half as self-confident as usual when he is on a mission. And given his miserable state he is on the mission to reconcile with you.
Good luck with that! You haven’t mentioned Luke’s name once since you’re back.
“Obviously.”
Silence.
“I waited for a sign, a word coming from you -.”
It couldn’t be that lil’Snyder dares to accuse you, it couldn’t, right?
Silence.
“Why didn’t you call?”
Silence
“I knew you needed space…but I missed you.”
“Well, that’s a surprise.”
“Reid, please don’t be like that.”
“How am I?”
“Distant, unattached, aloof…”
Now there is that chuckle of yours, the unbelievingly one, the stunned one the ‘I can’t believe what I am listening to’ one.
“That’s interesting.”
“What?”
“Listening to you talking about ‘un-attachment’- that IS interesting, don’t you think?”
Before leaving, or more precisely running out of the country not fast enough, you hadn’t told me anything. But given that you apparently are out of sorts and Luke Snyder's countless calls I put two and two together. Though I don’t know what exactly caused your break-up. Well break-up is a weird term regarding that “thing” between the both of you.
So obviously you two have had a fight about the character of your “thing”.
“You’re mad at me because of what I said to you the last time we saw each other…and I get that…but…”
Sometimes I want to strangle Mr. Snyder because of his exorbitant use of that annoying adversative conjunction, but, but, but - well his ‘butt’ with double-t is something else, I have to admit.
“I am not ‘mad’ at you, not now and not back then either, Luke.
But I know, even if you can convince Mr. Snyder otherwise, I know he hurt you in a way you hadn’t expected and therefore it took you off guard and it has taken you quite some time to get your equilibrium back, otherwise you wouldn’t have asked Michael for asylum again.
“In your letter, you mentioned something about trying to clarify the meaning of what I said - regarding you.”
“Yeah, I did!”
“And?”
“And what?”
“Did you come to a conclusion?”
“Yes.”
“What’s the verdict?”
“There is no verdict, Luke.”
“Come on Reid - you were abroad for a long time, you didn’t call nor write once, then you come back and don’t call either. Furthermore you act as if there is nothing left between us. I can’t get rid of the feeling that you’ve ended things without saying it out loud.”
“…‘Things’…somehow you and I seem to have a different sense of word meaning lately. What ‘things’ do you mean exactly?”
“Okay if you want me to spell it for you … I mean the fact that we regularly slept together for over a year. That must mean something, right?”
“Does it? And what would that be, then?”
Am I allowed to clap my hands right now? Unfortunately not!
I am sure your brows are reaching your hairline right now. Well I know your conversation techniques can drive anybody crazy, but they are soo funny if you’re not at the receiving end.
“Look, I know I was an idiot - the thing is I was totally perplexed back then because… honestly I didn’t expect something like that at all. I freaked out. You caught me off guard. What was I supposed to do, to answer?”
“I caught you off guard. Hmm. Why?”
“What?”
“Yeah, why were you taken by surprise so badly?”
“Hum, I didn’t consider what was going on between us to be something…”
Snyder you’re risking your neck with your stutter!
“I got it Luke, you didn’t consider ‘the thing’ that happened between us to be more than a recurring yet anonymous fuck. (WOW!) You made that very clear that day. So if you’ve come here to confirm it, you’re here for nothing, since I don’t question it at all - not anymore at least.”
“I have never said anything like that! Don’t put words into my mouth I never mentioned!”
Mr. Snyder’s voice has become very small.
“No you didn’t say that, you weren’t so ‘blunt’, you didn’t need to…don’t people say acts show more than words?”
You keep up your mocking tone, but I feel you’re not half as self-assured as you seem right now.
“I have already told you, that I was unprepared and therefore reacted inconsiderately. I never wanted to insult or hurt you.”
Silence for quite a while.
“Well, so you’ve said, I’ve heard it and now everything is fine.”
I hear a chair pushed back and I assume it’s you indicating to Luke Snyder that it’s time to leave. BRAVO!
But who am I kidding? Mr. Snyder doesn’t give up without a fight however what exactly is he fighting for?
“I’m not sure if I get what you’re saying…”
“Look, Luke, I am tired of explaining the obvious, try to figure it out by yourself. You’re a big boy!”
I know the look you’ve probably put onto your face right now, calm, well composed; displaying your old hard-won stoicism. But I don’t trust your calmness. I am not sure if I am supposed to be happy about how the conversation is turning out.
“Where does all this leave us, Reid?”
“Nowhere, Luke.”
“What’s with our agreement?”
“It’s over! I don’t want it anymore … It’s null and void since we haven’t signed any obligatory contract if I remember it right.”
I have to admit, when you’re clear, you are very clear! Aw, I want to jump into that room and blatantly watch what is going on!
“You’re sure about that?”
“Yes, I am sure.”
“Reid, you know what? I think you asked me to go on vacation with you to trigger something. You expected me to decline so you would have a reason to bail out…it was kind of a test and I failed. What did you expect me to answer? Tell me? We had an agreement.”
“What exactly is this agreement supposed to say, Luke? If I recall it right, when we met, or to be more precise here, when you contacted me, I was involved in your boyfriends treatment during which time you told me that your boyfriend hadn’t touched you in ages and admittedly a sex-life of mine wasn’t existent either for lots of different reasons - so let’s say we bonded over this. The only topic we agreed upon - within my recollection - was that I wouldn’t interfere in your relationship with Noah. And I kept my part of the deal.
But I don’t believe asking the man I - am I allowed quoting? - have slept with - regularly - for over a year to come with me to spend some days together before I was leaving the country for quite a while was such a wayward imposition.”
“No, I guess, it’s not.”
“So at least we agree on something.”
“So you are saying it wasn’t a test and you actually expected me to come with you. Just because?”
“No, not just because …what do you want me to say, to ‘reveal’? A sinister plan? A secret scheme to get you into trouble? I have no clue what you told Noah every time you came here, Luke, but it never seemed a problem to get away as long as it was convenient for you.”
“No, but you’ve never asked me anything like that before, you actually never asked me to come at all.”
“Why would I, Luke? To hear you answering you wouldn’t?”
“Then why then, Reid?”
“Jesus! I was going to leave for months, for months, Luke! What’s so hard to understand about that I wanted to spend more than one or two nights at a time with you? I couldn’t even be sure that we’d see each other again afterwards.”
“Why wouldn’t we?”
“How was I supposed to know that?”
“Reid, I get it that I didn’t give you any signs you could rely on, that you probably thought I would end things while you were abroad. But I didn’t intend to, not for one single minute. And I am really very sorry for my unfortunate choice of words - if I could take back that stupid statement, I would.”
“At least it was unfiltered and you know what they say about that too.”
“But it’s not mirroring what I feel for you.”
“Luke, let me tell you what I think about all this - you showing up, confessing your remorse. I might be wrong, but I believe it’s guilt-talk and you don’t need to do this since I’m not accusing you of anything. So please feel absolved and since I am absolutely aware of the arrangements of your relationship with Noah, I know you might miss someone in bed. I am absolutely sure you’ll find another man to fill in the void. But it’s definitely not going to be me anymore. Or maybe you and Noah should finally work on your issues with each other. I don’t know, and it’s not my thing to give you any advice. But that’s the way I see it.”
“How can you act so indifferent?”
“I am not indifferent; I am only stating the facts the way I see them.”
“Have you found another man during your stay abroad?”
Again you don’t answer the ridiculous question, but I hear you heaving a sigh.
“What? Why do you look at me as if I had lost my mind?”
“Luke this is - well - at least irritating. What do you want from me? You’ve apologized several times - unasked - I tell you it’s okay and now what? Yeah, tell me, what do you want from me?”
“I… I don’t want to lose you, Reid.”
“Lose me? Well, I don’t intend to dwell on your declaration back then, only how could I not if you talk about losing me? Sorry, but that’s so absurd.”
“Look, back then, Noah was going through an especially difficult phase and I had ants in my pants, always worrying I would get a call and…”
“Luke…please.”
“But I needed to see you so bad and therefore…”
“Luuke!”
“Please…”
“Luke, I don’t need an explanation and honestly I don’t want to hear it.”
“So that’s it? I’ve made a mistake and now you’re unforgiving and…”
“And what Luke? How am I? Tell me! …Do you listen to yourself sometimes?”
“Sorry! I know I am babbling nonsense -I always do that when I am confused and scared. Sorry!”
Please, Reid, don’t let him snow you!
“You must think I am totally immature….”
Somehow I know you stick your tongue into your left cheek right now causing that bulge I like a lot, it makes you look like a boy. Once again, you don’t answer. Doesn’t that guy get the hint? Maybe next time you should look for a man in your own league.
“Reid, I really didn’t want to hurt you…”
Of course he doesn’t give in.
“I’ve never said that.”
“Reid, I mean, we had such good times together, didn’t we?”
“I’ve thought so too, Luke.”
“Then what? Me babbling nonsense made you doubt it all?”
“No it only made me realize that I don’ want all this anymore…. You’re a handsome, charming, sexually very attracting man, trust me, countless gay men would want to start something with you or maybe even keep up with an ‘arrangement’ like ours for a while or so, but I have finally realized that’s not me, Luke. Plain and simple …I meant, what I said before, Luke. Try to work things out with Noah; obviously you two can’t be without each other, so do something about it. You can’t go on loving him and sleeping with another man. I know I was into it, but it can’t work in the long view. You deserve better, and I guess Noah, too. If you love each other you’ll find a way to have sex, that’s what people do, when they are in love, they try to figure something out that works for both of them. But I advise you to stop drawing third parties into your stuff. And as for me I quit because I deserve better too, Luke. I finally stopped repressing that I owe it to myself not to be someone’s surrogate-dick. It took me far too long to realize that.”
“What?”
“I am sure you heard me, Luke.”
“I didn’t reduce you to your penis!”
“Well, maybe … but give it some thought, Luke. In the final analysis I was just this, an isolated, well educated, eloquent, safe cock. And although I consider Mr. Penis Oliver a fine specimen of its kind - said realization wasn’t very comfortable at all. And now Luke, you have to excuse me! I really have to get ready for my next appointment!”
“I can’t believe that’s it!”
“It’s for the best, Luke. Take care!”
“But (arrggh) Reid it wasn’t all about sex, we did so many other things together, remember our private chess tournament, the weekend in New York attending Don Carlos or when we met in Portland for two days… or the nights when you read to me or told me about your current research…or … all this wasn’t only about fucking. And even if, what we shared in bed, that…. That was something else, something …”
“Meaningful?”
Your voice sounds calm now, but I feel the cracks more than I hear them.
“Yes…”
“That’s why I asked you to spend some time with me before I left for Europe, Luke. I also thought that there must be something meaningful behind all the time we spend together.”
“But I killed it with my inappropriate reaction…is that what you want to say?”
“I wouldn’t say it so dramatically…”
“But in the end it’s what your reflections resulted in.”
“Awfully abridged however.”
“Huuh?”
“Luke, don’t reduce it to your answer back then. That was only the symptom of something deeper, something indicating that it was time to end all this. And now I really don’t want to talk about it anymore. You’ve said what you wanted and I listened, but I won’t change my decision. Seriously, Luke! Talk to Noah, work things out, and ask for help… I am not sure if seeing couple’s therapists isn’t an excuse for terminating relationships only in a more civil way, mostly initiated by the party that wants to buzz off, but in your case… I mean, you even started something with me to save your relationship with him, so yeah, maybe the two of you are really meant to be.”
I hate the pauses not exactly knowing what is going on in your office.
“Please, can I hug you?”
“No, I don’ think that’s a good idea.”
“…okay. I hope … some day…you’ll believe me...”
“Good bye, Luke.”
I know that terminatory sound of your voice and therefore I hurry to turn off the speaker and there Luke Synder is already leaving your office. I know that look on his face, he hurts. Maybe he feels more for you than you assume, Reid.
I pick up the phone and call Mr. Baxter’s office only to get a busy signal. I don’t want to look malicious, because I don’t feel too confident about what has happened. And seeing a shrunken Luke Snyder isn’t half as satisfying as I’ve thought it would be.
When I enter your room I know you aren’t in a good place at all. Though you’ve put up an excellent “fight” you look defeated now, slumped in your chair, your head thrown back and your eyes closed you rub your temples.
Shit! I hate seeing you like this.
“Reid …?”
“I only need a few minutes…”
“Is there anything I can do for you?”
“No. It’s okay…. How could I believe he would accept the end without a fight? But I guess he will now. It’s really okay, I only need a minute.”
I leave it at that, in an hour you have to focus on your meeting and afterwards you’ve a lecture to give. You’ll be good at it, you’ll tell your students what they need and you’ll be professional and brilliant and funny, they will hang on your every word, you will smile shyly but inside you hurt, you hurt like hell. And I would take it from you if I could, but I can’t. Well I know you’ll get over it, like you dealt with Milo’s death and your guilt at having survived. But I also know deep down another part of you has been destroyed once again. Milo’s death took your gambling side away, maybe even more; something Michael would call it ‘joie de vivre’. Losing your ability to operate robbed you from performing your dream-job. I hear you retorting that you have won another one - that you love teaching, and I know you do but yet I think you’re objecting too much. You’d been a doctor avec corps et âme. Teaching was compensation not really satisfying for you.
And ‘losing’ Luke… well, it wasn’t an option since you’ve never had him. Really nobody has anybody.
Sure, right from the beginning you knew the deal, you knew that Luke loved Noah Mayer, but since latter starved his needy boyfriend, Luke wanted into your pants. Still doesn’t want to leave them if my eyes are still seeing clearly.
You knew the conditions yet I believe that deep down probably without knowing it yourself, you eventually hoped for getting a chance on love. It hurts to admit but I think Luke was right, asking him to come with you on a trip was you wanting to trigger something, was you wanting a change. Well, it hit you right back in your handsome face. Shit!
You’re strong, I know that. But even if you came back from La Place strengthened, comforted and having found the way back to your sobriety, there is something missing. You’ve lost the sparks glowing in your beauty-blues. And I know your forcing Luke Snyder to walk out of your life has made them fade away once again.
“Come on Reid, give me a hug.”
“Oh man!” But you stand up and I reach out and pull you into my bear-hug.
“… That’s not so bad, right?”
The way you lean into me, I can tell you don’t mind being held either. It’s funny, you’re smaller by a head so I lean my chin on your curls and cradle you like a child.
I know it’s not me you want to be held by but I feel you need all the reassurance and proximity you can get right now.
Beta-fairy: Carol38
Disclaimer: I don't own them and writing about them is just for fun.
Genre/Moods: Insecurity, hurt, illumination leading to COMFORT :)
Pairing: Of course this journey is about Luke and Reid, however Gideon Masterson,
Reid’s assistant, and some other characters are joining them.
Warning: Noah is there - but less narrow-minded as I usually picture him.
Rating: sexual contents in some chapters
AN 1: This is my first attempt to write a multi-chapter story in the first-person-perspectives. It’s kind of a
correspondent-story to ‘Farouche’.
AN 2: And it's kind of homage to a very special man, my best friend!
AN 2: Gideon is NOT Reid’s love interest!
Summary: “I thought I was in control of everything. Structure, strategy, methodology meant almost everything to me; I had figured out my whole life - my professional and my personal. Then I met fate - face to face - I met it several times. But only the last encounter made me
understand: There is an elemental force out there. Call it fate, call it God, call it coincidence - whatever name you put on it doesn’t matter,
but it’s there and you are powerless to fight it. You are supposed to go with it.” (Reid S. Oliver, MD, professor of neurology at Harvard Medical School)
Gideon continues
“… You’re back…”
Luke S. doesn’t sound half as self-confident as usual when he is on a mission. And given his miserable state he is on the mission to reconcile with you.
Good luck with that! You haven’t mentioned Luke’s name once since you’re back.
“Obviously.”
Silence.
“I waited for a sign, a word coming from you -.”
It couldn’t be that lil’Snyder dares to accuse you, it couldn’t, right?
Silence.
“Why didn’t you call?”
Silence
“I knew you needed space…but I missed you.”
“Well, that’s a surprise.”
“Reid, please don’t be like that.”
“How am I?”
“Distant, unattached, aloof…”
Now there is that chuckle of yours, the unbelievingly one, the stunned one the ‘I can’t believe what I am listening to’ one.
“That’s interesting.”
“What?”
“Listening to you talking about ‘un-attachment’- that IS interesting, don’t you think?”
Before leaving, or more precisely running out of the country not fast enough, you hadn’t told me anything. But given that you apparently are out of sorts and Luke Snyder's countless calls I put two and two together. Though I don’t know what exactly caused your break-up. Well break-up is a weird term regarding that “thing” between the both of you.
So obviously you two have had a fight about the character of your “thing”.
“You’re mad at me because of what I said to you the last time we saw each other…and I get that…but…”
Sometimes I want to strangle Mr. Snyder because of his exorbitant use of that annoying adversative conjunction, but, but, but - well his ‘butt’ with double-t is something else, I have to admit.
“I am not ‘mad’ at you, not now and not back then either, Luke.
But I know, even if you can convince Mr. Snyder otherwise, I know he hurt you in a way you hadn’t expected and therefore it took you off guard and it has taken you quite some time to get your equilibrium back, otherwise you wouldn’t have asked Michael for asylum again.
“In your letter, you mentioned something about trying to clarify the meaning of what I said - regarding you.”
“Yeah, I did!”
“And?”
“And what?”
“Did you come to a conclusion?”
“Yes.”
“What’s the verdict?”
“There is no verdict, Luke.”
“Come on Reid - you were abroad for a long time, you didn’t call nor write once, then you come back and don’t call either. Furthermore you act as if there is nothing left between us. I can’t get rid of the feeling that you’ve ended things without saying it out loud.”
“…‘Things’…somehow you and I seem to have a different sense of word meaning lately. What ‘things’ do you mean exactly?”
“Okay if you want me to spell it for you … I mean the fact that we regularly slept together for over a year. That must mean something, right?”
“Does it? And what would that be, then?”
Am I allowed to clap my hands right now? Unfortunately not!
I am sure your brows are reaching your hairline right now. Well I know your conversation techniques can drive anybody crazy, but they are soo funny if you’re not at the receiving end.
“Look, I know I was an idiot - the thing is I was totally perplexed back then because… honestly I didn’t expect something like that at all. I freaked out. You caught me off guard. What was I supposed to do, to answer?”
“I caught you off guard. Hmm. Why?”
“What?”
“Yeah, why were you taken by surprise so badly?”
“Hum, I didn’t consider what was going on between us to be something…”
Snyder you’re risking your neck with your stutter!
“I got it Luke, you didn’t consider ‘the thing’ that happened between us to be more than a recurring yet anonymous fuck. (WOW!) You made that very clear that day. So if you’ve come here to confirm it, you’re here for nothing, since I don’t question it at all - not anymore at least.”
“I have never said anything like that! Don’t put words into my mouth I never mentioned!”
Mr. Snyder’s voice has become very small.
“No you didn’t say that, you weren’t so ‘blunt’, you didn’t need to…don’t people say acts show more than words?”
You keep up your mocking tone, but I feel you’re not half as self-assured as you seem right now.
“I have already told you, that I was unprepared and therefore reacted inconsiderately. I never wanted to insult or hurt you.”
Silence for quite a while.
“Well, so you’ve said, I’ve heard it and now everything is fine.”
I hear a chair pushed back and I assume it’s you indicating to Luke Snyder that it’s time to leave. BRAVO!
But who am I kidding? Mr. Snyder doesn’t give up without a fight however what exactly is he fighting for?
“I’m not sure if I get what you’re saying…”
“Look, Luke, I am tired of explaining the obvious, try to figure it out by yourself. You’re a big boy!”
I know the look you’ve probably put onto your face right now, calm, well composed; displaying your old hard-won stoicism. But I don’t trust your calmness. I am not sure if I am supposed to be happy about how the conversation is turning out.
“Where does all this leave us, Reid?”
“Nowhere, Luke.”
“What’s with our agreement?”
“It’s over! I don’t want it anymore … It’s null and void since we haven’t signed any obligatory contract if I remember it right.”
I have to admit, when you’re clear, you are very clear! Aw, I want to jump into that room and blatantly watch what is going on!
“You’re sure about that?”
“Yes, I am sure.”
“Reid, you know what? I think you asked me to go on vacation with you to trigger something. You expected me to decline so you would have a reason to bail out…it was kind of a test and I failed. What did you expect me to answer? Tell me? We had an agreement.”
“What exactly is this agreement supposed to say, Luke? If I recall it right, when we met, or to be more precise here, when you contacted me, I was involved in your boyfriends treatment during which time you told me that your boyfriend hadn’t touched you in ages and admittedly a sex-life of mine wasn’t existent either for lots of different reasons - so let’s say we bonded over this. The only topic we agreed upon - within my recollection - was that I wouldn’t interfere in your relationship with Noah. And I kept my part of the deal.
But I don’t believe asking the man I - am I allowed quoting? - have slept with - regularly - for over a year to come with me to spend some days together before I was leaving the country for quite a while was such a wayward imposition.”
“No, I guess, it’s not.”
“So at least we agree on something.”
“So you are saying it wasn’t a test and you actually expected me to come with you. Just because?”
“No, not just because …what do you want me to say, to ‘reveal’? A sinister plan? A secret scheme to get you into trouble? I have no clue what you told Noah every time you came here, Luke, but it never seemed a problem to get away as long as it was convenient for you.”
“No, but you’ve never asked me anything like that before, you actually never asked me to come at all.”
“Why would I, Luke? To hear you answering you wouldn’t?”
“Then why then, Reid?”
“Jesus! I was going to leave for months, for months, Luke! What’s so hard to understand about that I wanted to spend more than one or two nights at a time with you? I couldn’t even be sure that we’d see each other again afterwards.”
“Why wouldn’t we?”
“How was I supposed to know that?”
“Reid, I get it that I didn’t give you any signs you could rely on, that you probably thought I would end things while you were abroad. But I didn’t intend to, not for one single minute. And I am really very sorry for my unfortunate choice of words - if I could take back that stupid statement, I would.”
“At least it was unfiltered and you know what they say about that too.”
“But it’s not mirroring what I feel for you.”
“Luke, let me tell you what I think about all this - you showing up, confessing your remorse. I might be wrong, but I believe it’s guilt-talk and you don’t need to do this since I’m not accusing you of anything. So please feel absolved and since I am absolutely aware of the arrangements of your relationship with Noah, I know you might miss someone in bed. I am absolutely sure you’ll find another man to fill in the void. But it’s definitely not going to be me anymore. Or maybe you and Noah should finally work on your issues with each other. I don’t know, and it’s not my thing to give you any advice. But that’s the way I see it.”
“How can you act so indifferent?”
“I am not indifferent; I am only stating the facts the way I see them.”
“Have you found another man during your stay abroad?”
Again you don’t answer the ridiculous question, but I hear you heaving a sigh.
“What? Why do you look at me as if I had lost my mind?”
“Luke this is - well - at least irritating. What do you want from me? You’ve apologized several times - unasked - I tell you it’s okay and now what? Yeah, tell me, what do you want from me?”
“I… I don’t want to lose you, Reid.”
“Lose me? Well, I don’t intend to dwell on your declaration back then, only how could I not if you talk about losing me? Sorry, but that’s so absurd.”
“Look, back then, Noah was going through an especially difficult phase and I had ants in my pants, always worrying I would get a call and…”
“Luke…please.”
“But I needed to see you so bad and therefore…”
“Luuke!”
“Please…”
“Luke, I don’t need an explanation and honestly I don’t want to hear it.”
“So that’s it? I’ve made a mistake and now you’re unforgiving and…”
“And what Luke? How am I? Tell me! …Do you listen to yourself sometimes?”
“Sorry! I know I am babbling nonsense -I always do that when I am confused and scared. Sorry!”
Please, Reid, don’t let him snow you!
“You must think I am totally immature….”
Somehow I know you stick your tongue into your left cheek right now causing that bulge I like a lot, it makes you look like a boy. Once again, you don’t answer. Doesn’t that guy get the hint? Maybe next time you should look for a man in your own league.
“Reid, I really didn’t want to hurt you…”
Of course he doesn’t give in.
“I’ve never said that.”
“Reid, I mean, we had such good times together, didn’t we?”
“I’ve thought so too, Luke.”
“Then what? Me babbling nonsense made you doubt it all?”
“No it only made me realize that I don’ want all this anymore…. You’re a handsome, charming, sexually very attracting man, trust me, countless gay men would want to start something with you or maybe even keep up with an ‘arrangement’ like ours for a while or so, but I have finally realized that’s not me, Luke. Plain and simple …I meant, what I said before, Luke. Try to work things out with Noah; obviously you two can’t be without each other, so do something about it. You can’t go on loving him and sleeping with another man. I know I was into it, but it can’t work in the long view. You deserve better, and I guess Noah, too. If you love each other you’ll find a way to have sex, that’s what people do, when they are in love, they try to figure something out that works for both of them. But I advise you to stop drawing third parties into your stuff. And as for me I quit because I deserve better too, Luke. I finally stopped repressing that I owe it to myself not to be someone’s surrogate-dick. It took me far too long to realize that.”
“What?”
“I am sure you heard me, Luke.”
“I didn’t reduce you to your penis!”
“Well, maybe … but give it some thought, Luke. In the final analysis I was just this, an isolated, well educated, eloquent, safe cock. And although I consider Mr. Penis Oliver a fine specimen of its kind - said realization wasn’t very comfortable at all. And now Luke, you have to excuse me! I really have to get ready for my next appointment!”
“I can’t believe that’s it!”
“It’s for the best, Luke. Take care!”
“But (arrggh) Reid it wasn’t all about sex, we did so many other things together, remember our private chess tournament, the weekend in New York attending Don Carlos or when we met in Portland for two days… or the nights when you read to me or told me about your current research…or … all this wasn’t only about fucking. And even if, what we shared in bed, that…. That was something else, something …”
“Meaningful?”
Your voice sounds calm now, but I feel the cracks more than I hear them.
“Yes…”
“That’s why I asked you to spend some time with me before I left for Europe, Luke. I also thought that there must be something meaningful behind all the time we spend together.”
“But I killed it with my inappropriate reaction…is that what you want to say?”
“I wouldn’t say it so dramatically…”
“But in the end it’s what your reflections resulted in.”
“Awfully abridged however.”
“Huuh?”
“Luke, don’t reduce it to your answer back then. That was only the symptom of something deeper, something indicating that it was time to end all this. And now I really don’t want to talk about it anymore. You’ve said what you wanted and I listened, but I won’t change my decision. Seriously, Luke! Talk to Noah, work things out, and ask for help… I am not sure if seeing couple’s therapists isn’t an excuse for terminating relationships only in a more civil way, mostly initiated by the party that wants to buzz off, but in your case… I mean, you even started something with me to save your relationship with him, so yeah, maybe the two of you are really meant to be.”
I hate the pauses not exactly knowing what is going on in your office.
“Please, can I hug you?”
“No, I don’ think that’s a good idea.”
“…okay. I hope … some day…you’ll believe me...”
“Good bye, Luke.”
I know that terminatory sound of your voice and therefore I hurry to turn off the speaker and there Luke Synder is already leaving your office. I know that look on his face, he hurts. Maybe he feels more for you than you assume, Reid.
I pick up the phone and call Mr. Baxter’s office only to get a busy signal. I don’t want to look malicious, because I don’t feel too confident about what has happened. And seeing a shrunken Luke Snyder isn’t half as satisfying as I’ve thought it would be.
When I enter your room I know you aren’t in a good place at all. Though you’ve put up an excellent “fight” you look defeated now, slumped in your chair, your head thrown back and your eyes closed you rub your temples.
Shit! I hate seeing you like this.
“Reid …?”
“I only need a few minutes…”
“Is there anything I can do for you?”
“No. It’s okay…. How could I believe he would accept the end without a fight? But I guess he will now. It’s really okay, I only need a minute.”
I leave it at that, in an hour you have to focus on your meeting and afterwards you’ve a lecture to give. You’ll be good at it, you’ll tell your students what they need and you’ll be professional and brilliant and funny, they will hang on your every word, you will smile shyly but inside you hurt, you hurt like hell. And I would take it from you if I could, but I can’t. Well I know you’ll get over it, like you dealt with Milo’s death and your guilt at having survived. But I also know deep down another part of you has been destroyed once again. Milo’s death took your gambling side away, maybe even more; something Michael would call it ‘joie de vivre’. Losing your ability to operate robbed you from performing your dream-job. I hear you retorting that you have won another one - that you love teaching, and I know you do but yet I think you’re objecting too much. You’d been a doctor avec corps et âme. Teaching was compensation not really satisfying for you.
And ‘losing’ Luke… well, it wasn’t an option since you’ve never had him. Really nobody has anybody.
Sure, right from the beginning you knew the deal, you knew that Luke loved Noah Mayer, but since latter starved his needy boyfriend, Luke wanted into your pants. Still doesn’t want to leave them if my eyes are still seeing clearly.
You knew the conditions yet I believe that deep down probably without knowing it yourself, you eventually hoped for getting a chance on love. It hurts to admit but I think Luke was right, asking him to come with you on a trip was you wanting to trigger something, was you wanting a change. Well, it hit you right back in your handsome face. Shit!
You’re strong, I know that. But even if you came back from La Place strengthened, comforted and having found the way back to your sobriety, there is something missing. You’ve lost the sparks glowing in your beauty-blues. And I know your forcing Luke Snyder to walk out of your life has made them fade away once again.
“Come on Reid, give me a hug.”
“Oh man!” But you stand up and I reach out and pull you into my bear-hug.
“… That’s not so bad, right?”
The way you lean into me, I can tell you don’t mind being held either. It’s funny, you’re smaller by a head so I lean my chin on your curls and cradle you like a child.
I know it’s not me you want to be held by but I feel you need all the reassurance and proximity you can get right now.