(no subject)
So I've come to some realizations lately and all of them point to the fact I'm a socially awkward and fugly fool.
I don't know who I'm trying to kid. It's not working though. I try and seem so confident, but I'm really a selfconsious piece of shite... total utter shite. I don't fit in anywhere any more if I ever did. Family, low brass, drama club, or just people... you name and I don't belong.
I'm not afraid of being alone and to be honest it liberates me from convention, but I'm not exactly fond of it either.
Tonight I talked to the cute guy who's order I helped carry more than anybody else I was there with for 5 + hours. I tried talking to people. I really did but I was on the outside of everything and always seemed to be the one pushed out of the circle so I went and did my own thing.
On other news besides my social awkwardness... I think I'm in love with a guy I can never actually have. I know it sounds totally dumb and sappy but I pretty much fell in love with this guy within my first 2 hours of talking to him when I met him. I can't be sure cause he's all the way across the country and neither of us want a long distance thing. It's hard to know if I'm actually in love since he's not really around, but they're strong feelings none the less. And on the other end of things I'm trying to get over those feelings by convincing myself we can't be more than friends, so I'm starting to like this one guy at work, but I'm worried I'm just transfering feelings. I don't want to hurt him if that is the case 'cause he's a great guy.
Not like any of the guy stuff matters though 'cause it never works out in my favor. I'm a fat tube of lard with fucked up teeth and frizzy hair. So what there to be attracted to anyway?
I think I'm getting sick too, but it could be just my body handling how I feel since I haven't done my usual stress reliever in over a month...I really wanted to tonight but it seems when my big brothers can't look out for me God's finally decided to again. I've been having mingranes, dizzy spells, and the chills lately on top of always being hungry but not wanting to eat and when I do I feel sick and I can't tell whether it's all from stress or if I'm actually coming down with something. Whatever it is it sucks big time though!
I don't know who I'm trying to kid. It's not working though. I try and seem so confident, but I'm really a selfconsious piece of shite... total utter shite. I don't fit in anywhere any more if I ever did. Family, low brass, drama club, or just people... you name and I don't belong.
I'm not afraid of being alone and to be honest it liberates me from convention, but I'm not exactly fond of it either.
Tonight I talked to the cute guy who's order I helped carry more than anybody else I was there with for 5 + hours. I tried talking to people. I really did but I was on the outside of everything and always seemed to be the one pushed out of the circle so I went and did my own thing.
On other news besides my social awkwardness... I think I'm in love with a guy I can never actually have. I know it sounds totally dumb and sappy but I pretty much fell in love with this guy within my first 2 hours of talking to him when I met him. I can't be sure cause he's all the way across the country and neither of us want a long distance thing. It's hard to know if I'm actually in love since he's not really around, but they're strong feelings none the less. And on the other end of things I'm trying to get over those feelings by convincing myself we can't be more than friends, so I'm starting to like this one guy at work, but I'm worried I'm just transfering feelings. I don't want to hurt him if that is the case 'cause he's a great guy.
Not like any of the guy stuff matters though 'cause it never works out in my favor. I'm a fat tube of lard with fucked up teeth and frizzy hair. So what there to be attracted to anyway?
I think I'm getting sick too, but it could be just my body handling how I feel since I haven't done my usual stress reliever in over a month...I really wanted to tonight but it seems when my big brothers can't look out for me God's finally decided to again. I've been having mingranes, dizzy spells, and the chills lately on top of always being hungry but not wanting to eat and when I do I feel sick and I can't tell whether it's all from stress or if I'm actually coming down with something. Whatever it is it sucks big time though!