ARGH!
Okay, so I'm the sort of person people just seem to unload on. I'm always there if they need to talk and will try and help them through whatever they need to get through. But many years of this, it seems that many of the people I do this for expect me to be perfect. They tell me I'm too much of a doormat, that I should do more for myself, but the moment I do and if they are the person who I don't drop everything for, the person I don't give up everything I need for, I get in trouble for it.
I've been going though a lot of stuff at the moment, a lot of stuff I'm always struggling with as well as some new stuff. I invited two of my friends over for the comfort of it and to vent when I needed it. I find out one of my other friends, who recently moved away and I miss immensely, is coming back for a weekend, most of which I'm working. So, he and his partner join us for the night. However, for once I slip up, and don't tell everyone I know that he's coming. A couple of weeks later one of my other friends finds out about it, and tells me off cause I didn't tell him. He gets really pissed at me and doesn't talk to me because I didn't tell him our recently moved away friend was up for the weekend and that I was having some people over.
Now, this particular friend has been through some problems this year, and yes, my reasons for not inviting him in the first place may have been for my benefit as I didn't want to have to worry about him or what I say around him (though I just plain didn't think about telling him the friend that moved away was up... I'm not perfect people!!), the main reason was so that I didn't add my shit to his. I needed people who could be there for me, and didn't need me there for them and I didn't need to feel guilty about piling my problems on somebody who has his own to deal with.
I am not going to feel guilty about this because I needed the time for myself. I needed something for me and not for someone else (though as much as I keep telling myself this, it's in my nature to feel guilty) and while I am sorry I accidentally hurt one of my friends, I don't think that occasionally doing something for myself, which I needed, is wrong.
I've apologised to this guy, but I think he's still shitty with me. I don't want to fight, cause then I'll get pissed and yell at him for expecting more from me than I can give, for getting angry at me because I'm not perfect. But I am not going to beat myself up about this (well, okay, not too much, because I always beat myself up about shit...) because I am human. I'm not perfect.
So why am I hurting, and why am I crying?
I've been going though a lot of stuff at the moment, a lot of stuff I'm always struggling with as well as some new stuff. I invited two of my friends over for the comfort of it and to vent when I needed it. I find out one of my other friends, who recently moved away and I miss immensely, is coming back for a weekend, most of which I'm working. So, he and his partner join us for the night. However, for once I slip up, and don't tell everyone I know that he's coming. A couple of weeks later one of my other friends finds out about it, and tells me off cause I didn't tell him. He gets really pissed at me and doesn't talk to me because I didn't tell him our recently moved away friend was up for the weekend and that I was having some people over.
Now, this particular friend has been through some problems this year, and yes, my reasons for not inviting him in the first place may have been for my benefit as I didn't want to have to worry about him or what I say around him (though I just plain didn't think about telling him the friend that moved away was up... I'm not perfect people!!), the main reason was so that I didn't add my shit to his. I needed people who could be there for me, and didn't need me there for them and I didn't need to feel guilty about piling my problems on somebody who has his own to deal with.
I am not going to feel guilty about this because I needed the time for myself. I needed something for me and not for someone else (though as much as I keep telling myself this, it's in my nature to feel guilty) and while I am sorry I accidentally hurt one of my friends, I don't think that occasionally doing something for myself, which I needed, is wrong.
I've apologised to this guy, but I think he's still shitty with me. I don't want to fight, cause then I'll get pissed and yell at him for expecting more from me than I can give, for getting angry at me because I'm not perfect. But I am not going to beat myself up about this (well, okay, not too much, because I always beat myself up about shit...) because I am human. I'm not perfect.
So why am I hurting, and why am I crying?