im hungry and relationships are stupid questions with no answers
here i am, the basis of my most mindful issues. my boyfriend. my relationships. my pursuit of finding love. many say my job as a stripper is demeaning, but trying to figure out how love works seems more demeaning to me then anything else in this planet. constantly bending my spirit in effort to make someone else happy is demeaning. demeaning is the constant fights that are premeditated with drama and emotional reunions. demeaning is walking around wondering all day why do you put up with this shit???
i know i have never seen a good model of a relationship or anything but i like to feel like im right. i mean, i guess we all like to feel like we know what we want and that we are right. relationships really bug me because there is no formula or correct answer. are we doing this right? should i leave if i dont feel the passion anymore? should i make myself stay even if its passionless because i made a committment? is it right to tell my partner about a little kiss at the strip club, knowing it will just hurt their feelings and that it is meaningless? can we ever be friends? there is no yes or no answers. there is no scientific formula about how long it will be passionate before passion dies down. there is no correct amount of fights to endure before it has a definite end. the only thing sharing stories is as equally important as writing them.
mathmatical about love is the infinity of confusion. there is no way to know. the only way to know what is right is to follow what makes us happy. but what if having a new boyfriend every fycking 8 months is what is making me happy? how? there is no formula for how long a relationship is suppose to last. there is no formula to create my ideal person who i will definitely spend the rest of my life with.
The time is getting closer that Zack gets out of jail. the more i reminise, the more i wish that the formula for my love of my love to be my first love, the purest love and the love one i started with. I am blinded by my vision and the sound of his voice and the way we laugh at the same things and relate to eachother. but will that ever be possible? will it end up like this? here goes the over analyzing. what about josh? there was a time that i was in love with josh but right now im just not fucking feeling it. does this mean its the scientific time to let go? when is the fine line between letting go and accepting the relationship have progressed to a norm, the passion is now gone and real life issues are at stake?
if im not in love with josh i should leave. right? isnt that how it goes? but how do you tell between falling out of love and falling out of lust? i never went into this with the intention of adding another name on my list of lost loves. once and again, this would be my decision. and it feels like since its my decision it would be another broken heart in my hands.
the one moment i had where i wasnt the heart breaker. the reason that my window is cracked. i never want to make anyone feel that way. but i guess these feelings are inevitable and all i can do is try to make the right decisions. I dont want to lead josh on, but what is the difference between leading him on and dwelling on our lost lust? Is it better to keep trying or to let it go?
>>>> walking around like a fucking zombie all day with these thoughts to my head. i know there is more to life then this. there is more passion in life then festering over lifes unanswered questions about love. there are fish in the ocean, the world and mother nature needs our passion to help it. people need passion to live. this is where volunteering becomes a passion and this is what deciphers those with passion for volunteering, those who will go across the world and sacrifice themselves, vs those who dont. there is more beauty in the world and we, as humans, need love. not that relationship kind of love, but the kind of love to keep us alive and keep us going. to give us a reason for existing. some people find this reason for existing in their relatiosnhisp and significant others i suppose. but it is too hard for me to see it that way. i want to make a difference. i want to live in peace and make a difference for the world around me. the world that needs me.
i guess this can conclude that i will need to leave and stay gone for now. i need to find my new path.
i know i have never seen a good model of a relationship or anything but i like to feel like im right. i mean, i guess we all like to feel like we know what we want and that we are right. relationships really bug me because there is no formula or correct answer. are we doing this right? should i leave if i dont feel the passion anymore? should i make myself stay even if its passionless because i made a committment? is it right to tell my partner about a little kiss at the strip club, knowing it will just hurt their feelings and that it is meaningless? can we ever be friends? there is no yes or no answers. there is no scientific formula about how long it will be passionate before passion dies down. there is no correct amount of fights to endure before it has a definite end. the only thing sharing stories is as equally important as writing them.
mathmatical about love is the infinity of confusion. there is no way to know. the only way to know what is right is to follow what makes us happy. but what if having a new boyfriend every fycking 8 months is what is making me happy? how? there is no formula for how long a relationship is suppose to last. there is no formula to create my ideal person who i will definitely spend the rest of my life with.
The time is getting closer that Zack gets out of jail. the more i reminise, the more i wish that the formula for my love of my love to be my first love, the purest love and the love one i started with. I am blinded by my vision and the sound of his voice and the way we laugh at the same things and relate to eachother. but will that ever be possible? will it end up like this? here goes the over analyzing. what about josh? there was a time that i was in love with josh but right now im just not fucking feeling it. does this mean its the scientific time to let go? when is the fine line between letting go and accepting the relationship have progressed to a norm, the passion is now gone and real life issues are at stake?
if im not in love with josh i should leave. right? isnt that how it goes? but how do you tell between falling out of love and falling out of lust? i never went into this with the intention of adding another name on my list of lost loves. once and again, this would be my decision. and it feels like since its my decision it would be another broken heart in my hands.
the one moment i had where i wasnt the heart breaker. the reason that my window is cracked. i never want to make anyone feel that way. but i guess these feelings are inevitable and all i can do is try to make the right decisions. I dont want to lead josh on, but what is the difference between leading him on and dwelling on our lost lust? Is it better to keep trying or to let it go?
>>>> walking around like a fucking zombie all day with these thoughts to my head. i know there is more to life then this. there is more passion in life then festering over lifes unanswered questions about love. there are fish in the ocean, the world and mother nature needs our passion to help it. people need passion to live. this is where volunteering becomes a passion and this is what deciphers those with passion for volunteering, those who will go across the world and sacrifice themselves, vs those who dont. there is more beauty in the world and we, as humans, need love. not that relationship kind of love, but the kind of love to keep us alive and keep us going. to give us a reason for existing. some people find this reason for existing in their relatiosnhisp and significant others i suppose. but it is too hard for me to see it that way. i want to make a difference. i want to live in peace and make a difference for the world around me. the world that needs me.
i guess this can conclude that i will need to leave and stay gone for now. i need to find my new path.