i don't know what to do.
big shock right? i feel like i have unwittingly sabotaged my potential. i don't even know how to explain. yes, i have a life, and no it's not all that bad. but it was a lot better before...well...i guess before everything. i know i complained about it every chance i got...for some strange ass reason i thought that would make it better, but as john lennon says, you don't know what you got until you lose it. except i don't get another chance, as the song pleads. These mistakes that i'm making are irreversible. I can't go back and say or do the thing i should have said or done, no matter how much i wish i could. since i was very very small, i've had this illusion of what my life would look like right now. I've always had something i was about to set out and do. 95% of the time i did it, too. i have a determination that has caved the will of those opposing me so many times that i lose count, and that's great. that'll get you places. but i have no inkling as to what i should be determined about now. i don't know what i want.
it won't come to me. i've been searching around and trying new things, and meeting new people and nothing! i can't seem to figure out what it is in life that seems to make me the most contented. i feel terrible. like i've wasted all the opportunities that have passed my way. like every time i've made a decision in the last 6 years it's been a big fucking joke. another horrible choice.
it's scary. i look back on what i wanted, what i had within reach, and what i have now. and those two things are nothing alike. i don't know how i got here, but i know i can't go back the way i came.
i miss feeling like a whole person. how does someone fix that. how do you pull yourself out of a rut you've been in since you moved somewhere. i'm so very used to being exactly what the person who desires me the most wants me to be. it's really embarrassing to admit, but it's true. and i've been doing it for so long that i think i've forgotten who i am. i want someone who will look past the front that i put out for display. the fucked up shit is i know the person who has looked past all my bullshit and still said they loved me and i, the queen of shitty decisions, have fucked it up. horribly. but, that's what i get...lifetime of misery, 4 months of being happy. oh well...
maybe i should start thinking like everyone who's hated me for the last few years, and pretend that if i went and dyed my hair it wouldn't matter anymore. total bullshit...i haven't been able to let go of one damn hurt my entire life, and admitting that is really fucking embarrassing, but it's true...if it weren't such a pattern, maybe it wouldn't be true...maybe if just once someone would look at me, and see the scared girl who hates makeup underneath it, talk to me and find out that the only reason i'm wearing a halter top is because i got tired of being called ugly, and maybe just maybe related to what i said and realized that being with a girl who has a brain that knows how to process more than the calories in her breakfast isn't a drawback...maybe things might change, but until then, i feel like i'm living two separate lives...the one everybody sees where i'm bubbly and happy and walking down the street feeling like a million bucks, and the one that i keep privately where i know that i've totally betrayed myself and everything i thought i believed in...the one where i know that i've changed all my life's entire goals on a whim before because i thought that maybe if this person thinks i'm worth something my life won't be such shit, maybe it'll validate my existence...this attempt at being something other than the freaky, badly dressed girl with a book in her hand constantly. and to tell the truth...i can't remember what the appeal of not being that girl was.
like i said...bad decisions right?
-Abby
it won't come to me. i've been searching around and trying new things, and meeting new people and nothing! i can't seem to figure out what it is in life that seems to make me the most contented. i feel terrible. like i've wasted all the opportunities that have passed my way. like every time i've made a decision in the last 6 years it's been a big fucking joke. another horrible choice.
it's scary. i look back on what i wanted, what i had within reach, and what i have now. and those two things are nothing alike. i don't know how i got here, but i know i can't go back the way i came.
i miss feeling like a whole person. how does someone fix that. how do you pull yourself out of a rut you've been in since you moved somewhere. i'm so very used to being exactly what the person who desires me the most wants me to be. it's really embarrassing to admit, but it's true. and i've been doing it for so long that i think i've forgotten who i am. i want someone who will look past the front that i put out for display. the fucked up shit is i know the person who has looked past all my bullshit and still said they loved me and i, the queen of shitty decisions, have fucked it up. horribly. but, that's what i get...lifetime of misery, 4 months of being happy. oh well...
maybe i should start thinking like everyone who's hated me for the last few years, and pretend that if i went and dyed my hair it wouldn't matter anymore. total bullshit...i haven't been able to let go of one damn hurt my entire life, and admitting that is really fucking embarrassing, but it's true...if it weren't such a pattern, maybe it wouldn't be true...maybe if just once someone would look at me, and see the scared girl who hates makeup underneath it, talk to me and find out that the only reason i'm wearing a halter top is because i got tired of being called ugly, and maybe just maybe related to what i said and realized that being with a girl who has a brain that knows how to process more than the calories in her breakfast isn't a drawback...maybe things might change, but until then, i feel like i'm living two separate lives...the one everybody sees where i'm bubbly and happy and walking down the street feeling like a million bucks, and the one that i keep privately where i know that i've totally betrayed myself and everything i thought i believed in...the one where i know that i've changed all my life's entire goals on a whim before because i thought that maybe if this person thinks i'm worth something my life won't be such shit, maybe it'll validate my existence...this attempt at being something other than the freaky, badly dressed girl with a book in her hand constantly. and to tell the truth...i can't remember what the appeal of not being that girl was.
like i said...bad decisions right?
-Abby