so it's been almost a year...
i guess i don't even know where to start...i did get my GED. i did start going to tvi. took a full load my first semester and totally blew it, just got caught up doing all the same shit i did in high school, smoked too much pot, got too hungover, slept in too late and ended up having to drop all my classes. this semester isn't shaping up to be much better...i don't know...there are a few things i just don't quite understand...hold on...lemme keep my laundry going and i'll explain more in a minute or two...
alright...back again. i'm gonna go against my usual grain and try to do this chronologically. I got a job at Pudge Bros. with Chad and that was all wonderful and great for a while and then Doug, the general manager started hitting on me and i guess i just couldn't take it, so i totally blew up and quit about a week before i went to minnesota last summer. just lost it. came back, jobless for about two months. started tvi, began fucking that up and got a job at the fourth and roma cafe. had a really sweet boss, tameeza banji, but i guess she was an illegal immigrant...anyway, chronologically, she had to let someone go because her mother got into a really horrible accident on the freeway and they didn't have insurance or anything, so i left, being as weak-willed as i am when it comes to work. then i was jobless again for about four months, enrolled at school and then got a job working at this place called the Gruet Steakhouse. i would still be working there if it wasn't for my poor motivation. i just woke up one day for work and decided i wasn't happy. just blew them off...never called, never came in, until about a week and a half later to get my pay check...god i'm an asshole...i'd be so pissed if i hired someone and they did that to me. i broke up with katy for the last time about a week before i lost my job. so that's just great. what a swell summary of events up til the ones currently in my head, eh? i feel so worthless. i keep thinking about all the memories of katy and i and the trips we took, and the things we always said to each other, and the things that we never said enough...i don't know...i don't want her back. i know that at least. it's just like...i knew i had to get out and i couldn't stand the thought of feeling the pain i've felt when i had to get out before again. it just wasn't an option. i knew i'd take it back. i knew i couldn't do it in person. i knew i'd take it back. and i can't...i can't be in a relationship with someone like that. so structured and who hates to read and doesn't write, doesn't play music, constantly stoned, therefore having to be constantly stoned to keep the relationship...well...relatable; keep our conversations on the same page, if you get my drift. well...i mean, it's like, i had to numb myself before i did it...think about everything and anything except for the way it hurts to tell someone whom you've loved that you can't love them anymore, not because you can't on a biological level, but because it puts too many other things on hold; puts too many other parts of life on the back burner. because it hurts too much to remember everything...god i still can't think about it all...it's starting to sink in though. i'm not going back to her again. i swear on/to whatever is listening/written...i just can't go back to her again. 1)it'd end up just the same way. and i'd want to die all over again...put myself through an unnecessary heartbreak all over again. 2)she probably wouldn't take me back...i've gotten scared and broken up with her before and gone crawling back with my tail between my legs, but that was just because i was scared that i loved her too much...now i can't go back because i don't love her at all. i don't know, and i couldn't do it in person, so i wrote sort of a free-verse poem to her and put it in her mailbox. she called me the night i did it and hadn't foundit yet, so i had to tell her to go look and a few hours later i got a text message that said, "you're right. it wasn't love." the words i wanted to hear ONLY for what they meant but instead heard every connotation every assumption that they entailed. anger, sorrow, pain, frustration, the desire to never feel again, all came to mind. angry because i had waited months to do this, because i didn't know how, and if that's all she was going to say, if that's the only reaction to someone she'd been with for years breaking up with her then why was i even with her in the first place? she's called a couple times since then...i've usually just hung up on her...or asked her what she wanted...i only did that once though...she said," can you just tell me what happened? can you at least give me that?" i told her that i did tell her what happened. i fell out of love, and to that point, never even knew if i really was in love, because, REAL love you can't fall out of. I feel like such an asshole. i can't get her off my mind, just because i suppose we never really did talk about anything, just left it hanging there, wide open and without any real conclusion aside from the fact that there was no future in it for either of us and that it was over. no, god, i sound so cliche saying this, but absolutely no fucking closure. still somehow though, i found it in myself, through all this numbness to feel something for someone else. it's actually kind of funny. i'm in this art class with this guy Andrew and at first i thought he was really attractive and smart and into the same things as me, and then we started hanging out and i met his best friend Gary. who is, everything i thought andrew was and then a million more wonderful things that make me feel great about myself. and it's so confusing because i mean, why does the universe have to be so cruel as to send someone who would be so perfect for me into my life when i'm having an emotional issue like this? why would i have to quite possibly lose a great lover to being a great friend all because i'm entirely too emotionally fucked up to feel something that could really be REAL right now. and the thing about it that makes it even creepier is that he's going through the same thing. His ex, Jessica, totally smashed his heart and threw it on the freeway like roadkill, and they recently broke it off as well, so, i don't know, i guess it's nice to have someone around who knows how i'm feeling right now. but i mean, is he here to save me? are we meeting now to save each other? is this SUPPOSED to be anything more than a friendship or is he just going to be another faint memory in six months. I don't want him to be another memory. i'm scared because i dont' know if i can handle this going anywhere right now. and everytime i talk to him/see him i can see it going so many places. first and foremost he will be my friend...but there are times when all i want him to do is kiss me, and all i want him to say to me is that i'm worthwhile. he told me that he thinks of me as indescribible and that he's never met anybody like me before. the thing is, as cheesy as it sounds, i hear honesty in his voice. and that's what scares me...it's like someone is appreciating all the nonsense that's been inside my mind for the first time, like someone is just accepting me for who i am instead of judging me, finding i meet there standards, and then accepting me. like i'm actually respected...never said anything bad about me, when we were...::cough::...intimate...he was so...god, perfect, i mean, so nice, and tender, but so passionate and well...enough about that...gotta focus on being his friend. and i feel so damn intellectually connected to him...like i'm not crazy. as an experiment...some of the things i've been talking about with him...like the things i think unorganized and chaotic as they may be, and i never get the same reaction from anyone else. i always get a hesitant, "that's nice...," or someone will just out and out tell me that they think i'm crazy. I so desperately hate the feeling of being written off...i feel like he's never and would never do that to me. He called me from Phoenix at like 5 in the morning. i don't know what he thinks exactly that means, but to me, calling a girl you barely know from another state says a little bit of something. the thing is...the thing is...i've been feeling this pain with katy and all her bullshit so very vividly lately...and then comes along someone who makes me forget what being hurt could feel like, and there inlies the paradox, that's the kind of person who could really...REALLY...hurt me in a relationship. and i know it would never be intentional, but just the simple fact that i give meaning to everything. if it got to the point where katy and i were, not to say that it ever would, but if it did, i could see myself not recovering...at least not without a good amount of bitterness and a very jaded perspective...with katy all i feel anymore is regret. everytime someone brings her up i want to say, damn it why did i do that??!!! but if this same situation were happening with gary i could see myself saying, damnit why did i lose that???!!!! oh well...i guess i just have to wait and see what happens...hopefully something comes out of this. i don't know if i can just be his friend for a terribly extended period of time. i'm not expecting anything, but it's so rare to find this indescribible feeling, when the most frequent word in your conversations with someone is exactly, when there isn't anything that could make you feel like you shouldn't/couldn't/wouldn't want to be yourself, who makes you feel sane when every one else is making you feel crazy...i just don't know if i can ignore it...let it pass me by...sometimes history repeats itself, but sometimes it never comes again...and what if meeting him really is just a universal fluke, and i wasn't supposed to meet him until years later and everything would turn out as it does in the very best of scenarios in my head, but because of the fluke, all my dreams of being loved the way i really deserve to are put on hold while creation handles her malfunction. i just want so badly for BOTH of us to forget about what it feels like to be hurt for a little while, just to see if what we have here could be something or if it was just a momentary nothing...but i guess i have to play the god damn waiting game and hope for the best. i'm just so tired of being this and allowing myself to be treated as that...
-Abby
alright...back again. i'm gonna go against my usual grain and try to do this chronologically. I got a job at Pudge Bros. with Chad and that was all wonderful and great for a while and then Doug, the general manager started hitting on me and i guess i just couldn't take it, so i totally blew up and quit about a week before i went to minnesota last summer. just lost it. came back, jobless for about two months. started tvi, began fucking that up and got a job at the fourth and roma cafe. had a really sweet boss, tameeza banji, but i guess she was an illegal immigrant...anyway, chronologically, she had to let someone go because her mother got into a really horrible accident on the freeway and they didn't have insurance or anything, so i left, being as weak-willed as i am when it comes to work. then i was jobless again for about four months, enrolled at school and then got a job working at this place called the Gruet Steakhouse. i would still be working there if it wasn't for my poor motivation. i just woke up one day for work and decided i wasn't happy. just blew them off...never called, never came in, until about a week and a half later to get my pay check...god i'm an asshole...i'd be so pissed if i hired someone and they did that to me. i broke up with katy for the last time about a week before i lost my job. so that's just great. what a swell summary of events up til the ones currently in my head, eh? i feel so worthless. i keep thinking about all the memories of katy and i and the trips we took, and the things we always said to each other, and the things that we never said enough...i don't know...i don't want her back. i know that at least. it's just like...i knew i had to get out and i couldn't stand the thought of feeling the pain i've felt when i had to get out before again. it just wasn't an option. i knew i'd take it back. i knew i couldn't do it in person. i knew i'd take it back. and i can't...i can't be in a relationship with someone like that. so structured and who hates to read and doesn't write, doesn't play music, constantly stoned, therefore having to be constantly stoned to keep the relationship...well...relatable; keep our conversations on the same page, if you get my drift. well...i mean, it's like, i had to numb myself before i did it...think about everything and anything except for the way it hurts to tell someone whom you've loved that you can't love them anymore, not because you can't on a biological level, but because it puts too many other things on hold; puts too many other parts of life on the back burner. because it hurts too much to remember everything...god i still can't think about it all...it's starting to sink in though. i'm not going back to her again. i swear on/to whatever is listening/written...i just can't go back to her again. 1)it'd end up just the same way. and i'd want to die all over again...put myself through an unnecessary heartbreak all over again. 2)she probably wouldn't take me back...i've gotten scared and broken up with her before and gone crawling back with my tail between my legs, but that was just because i was scared that i loved her too much...now i can't go back because i don't love her at all. i don't know, and i couldn't do it in person, so i wrote sort of a free-verse poem to her and put it in her mailbox. she called me the night i did it and hadn't foundit yet, so i had to tell her to go look and a few hours later i got a text message that said, "you're right. it wasn't love." the words i wanted to hear ONLY for what they meant but instead heard every connotation every assumption that they entailed. anger, sorrow, pain, frustration, the desire to never feel again, all came to mind. angry because i had waited months to do this, because i didn't know how, and if that's all she was going to say, if that's the only reaction to someone she'd been with for years breaking up with her then why was i even with her in the first place? she's called a couple times since then...i've usually just hung up on her...or asked her what she wanted...i only did that once though...she said," can you just tell me what happened? can you at least give me that?" i told her that i did tell her what happened. i fell out of love, and to that point, never even knew if i really was in love, because, REAL love you can't fall out of. I feel like such an asshole. i can't get her off my mind, just because i suppose we never really did talk about anything, just left it hanging there, wide open and without any real conclusion aside from the fact that there was no future in it for either of us and that it was over. no, god, i sound so cliche saying this, but absolutely no fucking closure. still somehow though, i found it in myself, through all this numbness to feel something for someone else. it's actually kind of funny. i'm in this art class with this guy Andrew and at first i thought he was really attractive and smart and into the same things as me, and then we started hanging out and i met his best friend Gary. who is, everything i thought andrew was and then a million more wonderful things that make me feel great about myself. and it's so confusing because i mean, why does the universe have to be so cruel as to send someone who would be so perfect for me into my life when i'm having an emotional issue like this? why would i have to quite possibly lose a great lover to being a great friend all because i'm entirely too emotionally fucked up to feel something that could really be REAL right now. and the thing about it that makes it even creepier is that he's going through the same thing. His ex, Jessica, totally smashed his heart and threw it on the freeway like roadkill, and they recently broke it off as well, so, i don't know, i guess it's nice to have someone around who knows how i'm feeling right now. but i mean, is he here to save me? are we meeting now to save each other? is this SUPPOSED to be anything more than a friendship or is he just going to be another faint memory in six months. I don't want him to be another memory. i'm scared because i dont' know if i can handle this going anywhere right now. and everytime i talk to him/see him i can see it going so many places. first and foremost he will be my friend...but there are times when all i want him to do is kiss me, and all i want him to say to me is that i'm worthwhile. he told me that he thinks of me as indescribible and that he's never met anybody like me before. the thing is, as cheesy as it sounds, i hear honesty in his voice. and that's what scares me...it's like someone is appreciating all the nonsense that's been inside my mind for the first time, like someone is just accepting me for who i am instead of judging me, finding i meet there standards, and then accepting me. like i'm actually respected...never said anything bad about me, when we were...::cough::...intimate...he was so...god, perfect, i mean, so nice, and tender, but so passionate and well...enough about that...gotta focus on being his friend. and i feel so damn intellectually connected to him...like i'm not crazy. as an experiment...some of the things i've been talking about with him...like the things i think unorganized and chaotic as they may be, and i never get the same reaction from anyone else. i always get a hesitant, "that's nice...," or someone will just out and out tell me that they think i'm crazy. I so desperately hate the feeling of being written off...i feel like he's never and would never do that to me. He called me from Phoenix at like 5 in the morning. i don't know what he thinks exactly that means, but to me, calling a girl you barely know from another state says a little bit of something. the thing is...the thing is...i've been feeling this pain with katy and all her bullshit so very vividly lately...and then comes along someone who makes me forget what being hurt could feel like, and there inlies the paradox, that's the kind of person who could really...REALLY...hurt me in a relationship. and i know it would never be intentional, but just the simple fact that i give meaning to everything. if it got to the point where katy and i were, not to say that it ever would, but if it did, i could see myself not recovering...at least not without a good amount of bitterness and a very jaded perspective...with katy all i feel anymore is regret. everytime someone brings her up i want to say, damn it why did i do that??!!! but if this same situation were happening with gary i could see myself saying, damnit why did i lose that???!!!! oh well...i guess i just have to wait and see what happens...hopefully something comes out of this. i don't know if i can just be his friend for a terribly extended period of time. i'm not expecting anything, but it's so rare to find this indescribible feeling, when the most frequent word in your conversations with someone is exactly, when there isn't anything that could make you feel like you shouldn't/couldn't/wouldn't want to be yourself, who makes you feel sane when every one else is making you feel crazy...i just don't know if i can ignore it...let it pass me by...sometimes history repeats itself, but sometimes it never comes again...and what if meeting him really is just a universal fluke, and i wasn't supposed to meet him until years later and everything would turn out as it does in the very best of scenarios in my head, but because of the fluke, all my dreams of being loved the way i really deserve to are put on hold while creation handles her malfunction. i just want so badly for BOTH of us to forget about what it feels like to be hurt for a little while, just to see if what we have here could be something or if it was just a momentary nothing...but i guess i have to play the god damn waiting game and hope for the best. i'm just so tired of being this and allowing myself to be treated as that...
-Abby