(no subject)
I cannot write anymore. I cannot write, my thoughts have been scattered and the whole process muddled. All I had to say for my writing was that it was honest. Never as clear or as precise as I wished it to be, but it came from my heart, every single time. And now my heart is blocked, it's being suffocated by a nothing that I can't even see. I can't see through it. And sometimes, if can't even see much of what is honest or even real anymore, I get scared of not being able to write. Something around me is heavy because I cannot turn it into words. It takes away my discernment and it takes away the power i have over what comes from me.
I cannot listen to music anymore. Actually the problem is, I still can. I can turn on my player, click on a song, any song that I want, and listen. I can even look at my goddamn last.fm page and resist the urge to delete the account because I still marvel at the fact that music is and can be shared on such a level. Music comes in from so many places. It floats from the airwaves, it radiates from souls and hearts who feel and take and it is almost overwhelming, because I don't think I can do it anymore. I can't come to terms with the fact that it has the capacity to become such a shallow occupation for me. It is not something I am willing to accept, because I have come to love it. But all forms of love come with doubt, especially within the self. It is not so much terrifying to lose your individuality because of something else, as losing it in in something else.
I cannot look my grandfather in the eye without my heart wrenching anymore. It's in the quiet look in his eyes, the ones that look at me with eyebrows raised and an apology so deftly masked by pride. But then, I understand. I always understood. The tone of voice, raspy and pained. It's when the voice is all the more quiet than the look, telling me of expectation but most importantly, of supreme confidence I will not let him down.
Seeing this man, weak, sick, and so so tired. Seeing him, almost brought down by time and limitation. And I have never been more afraid to lose someone in my life. But he made it, he got up, got better, and came home. Because he couldn't not.
And maybe that's why it hits my heart. He, by example, is making it so simple for me. Not by what he's done, but by what he's making me see. These things, I cannot do. But I can still love. It'll always come back. I have faith.
I cannot listen to music anymore. Actually the problem is, I still can. I can turn on my player, click on a song, any song that I want, and listen. I can even look at my goddamn last.fm page and resist the urge to delete the account because I still marvel at the fact that music is and can be shared on such a level. Music comes in from so many places. It floats from the airwaves, it radiates from souls and hearts who feel and take and it is almost overwhelming, because I don't think I can do it anymore. I can't come to terms with the fact that it has the capacity to become such a shallow occupation for me. It is not something I am willing to accept, because I have come to love it. But all forms of love come with doubt, especially within the self. It is not so much terrifying to lose your individuality because of something else, as losing it in in something else.
I cannot look my grandfather in the eye without my heart wrenching anymore. It's in the quiet look in his eyes, the ones that look at me with eyebrows raised and an apology so deftly masked by pride. But then, I understand. I always understood. The tone of voice, raspy and pained. It's when the voice is all the more quiet than the look, telling me of expectation but most importantly, of supreme confidence I will not let him down.
Seeing this man, weak, sick, and so so tired. Seeing him, almost brought down by time and limitation. And I have never been more afraid to lose someone in my life. But he made it, he got up, got better, and came home. Because he couldn't not.
And maybe that's why it hits my heart. He, by example, is making it so simple for me. Not by what he's done, but by what he's making me see. These things, I cannot do. But I can still love. It'll always come back. I have faith.