blah blah blah...... it's all whatever...
not that there's anyone to see this, I need an outlet to blergh all over everything...
I have someone that loves me, that sees me for me and all that I am/ could be ... and it scares me some... not gonna lie... I may show her this at some point... I may not- its a tough call right now... she .... reads me, what I want to be, and sometimes I feel like what/ how she describes me to others as and sometimes I feel like a fraud.....
I try to be good, I try to be honest- with myself and others, and I'm not... not always - I sometimes tell others what they want to hear, sometimes I agree with them because it makes it easier for me and them.... I'm sure most do to make day- to- day easier with difficult people...
I feel like a fake but I try to do it, to be honest- is this how real life is? seriously? and I'm *just* getting the dirty/ evil side?... I know I am with my feelings for HER.... I love her, like no one else I've ever dated.... I'm 44 and... she's so my other half and I will not lie to her about us.... but others.... I've lied to and shaded the truth and it galls me when she tells me I'm so honest- but .... it's not her and it's not US....
I sometimes think that it doesn't matter because it ISN'T US, but it IS me/ has been me, and it tears at me and rips a little piece of me away and I try to hide that tearing like it never happened and everyting is hunky- dory
I feel a fraud when she tells me how her friends tell her how lucky she is to have found me, and she has talked to my friends- my close friends- and they say the same thing essentially- that I'm a great guy and we're a great couple and blah blah blah niceties and... yes I love her, yes I want to spend the rest of my/ our lives together and ... seriously... honestly-she's the best thing/ sweetest, nicest, most endearing girl I've every dated... there's no one I want to spend my life with... we finish each others' sentances, we anticipate each other... we fit so perfectly
... but I still feel like I'm a fraud...
I have someone that loves me, that sees me for me and all that I am/ could be ... and it scares me some... not gonna lie... I may show her this at some point... I may not- its a tough call right now... she .... reads me, what I want to be, and sometimes I feel like what/ how she describes me to others as and sometimes I feel like a fraud.....
I try to be good, I try to be honest- with myself and others, and I'm not... not always - I sometimes tell others what they want to hear, sometimes I agree with them because it makes it easier for me and them.... I'm sure most do to make day- to- day easier with difficult people...
I feel like a fake but I try to do it, to be honest- is this how real life is? seriously? and I'm *just* getting the dirty/ evil side?... I know I am with my feelings for HER.... I love her, like no one else I've ever dated.... I'm 44 and... she's so my other half and I will not lie to her about us.... but others.... I've lied to and shaded the truth and it galls me when she tells me I'm so honest- but .... it's not her and it's not US....
I sometimes think that it doesn't matter because it ISN'T US, but it IS me/ has been me, and it tears at me and rips a little piece of me away and I try to hide that tearing like it never happened and everyting is hunky- dory
I feel a fraud when she tells me how her friends tell her how lucky she is to have found me, and she has talked to my friends- my close friends- and they say the same thing essentially- that I'm a great guy and we're a great couple and blah blah blah niceties and... yes I love her, yes I want to spend the rest of my/ our lives together and ... seriously... honestly-she's the best thing/ sweetest, nicest, most endearing girl I've every dated... there's no one I want to spend my life with... we finish each others' sentances, we anticipate each other... we fit so perfectly
... but I still feel like I'm a fraud...