long but damn im good
so now that christmas is all done and overwith, i must review the day, the year, and make my new years resolutions...
this may take awhile...
so beginning with today, started off bad, got worse, but turned out to be ok. this morning i was mad because it seemed like no one even bothered to look at my christmas list, but i realised that u know what, i got a hella nice jacket, 2 sexy underwears, nice jewelry from clay, barnes and noble gift cards and a starbucks card. i mean thats quite a bit. a whole lot more than most people my age get. and then i realised that gifts arent what christmas is about, christmas is about CHRIST. and i know there are many sceptics and non beleivers, but hey thats the original reason for christmas, Jesus was born tonight. He eventually gave up everything he had, including his life so that even though i sin, i can still have a shot at getting into heaven. if Jesus was only worried about what he received, we'd all be burning for eternity. so yes. i am very grateful for all that i received and im going to give a whole lot to good will. moving on, so i stayed home instead of going with clay, which was the right thing to do. im very proud that i made a good decision! anywho, i had an ok time, not the most excitement, but it was fun to see everyones face when we opened the "gag gifts"... there was one that was like a really large rave light that my mom thought was a dildo... then libby commented on how it was no where large enough and the next gift opened was a lava lamp and she proclaimed it the correct size...ahh.. menopausal women are scary. so i helped my mom out alot, and even though she didnt say thanks, i know it meant alot to her. even if she is a psycho, she can be pretty cool sometimes.. i must admit, i miss clay. hes been blowing me off alot lately, but really nice at the same time.
now entering on how the entire year has been. well lets see, january was good, so was february. alot of cheer competitions that we won for motions. march april and may were ok... i was in apush and ap psych and honors english and the God forsaken geometry which kicked my ass. no real problems with clay yet.. just hated how he always partied. he hated how i questioned him... whatelse... yeah not much. hung out with tyff and jessica ag alot. did motions some more. then june july and august easily the worst months of my life. june: clay cheats, i dont know about it yet. ironically, its the month he is the most sweet to me. probably cause he got to bang me on the weekends and her during the weekdays while i worked 11 hour days.. june was the beginning of wonderful summer. i didnt do much, i just worked, usually 7 am - 4pm or til 7 pm. didnt do much with the family. july was a little better. clay eventually stopped cheating during the middle of that month.. i still had no clue. drank 11 cosmos in mexico with jeanetta, almost got arrested twice, almost missed our cruise ship, got put on house arrest, of course her parents knew, so i had to tell my parents, who got hella pissed off an wanted to shoot me, (by the way sometimes my "d" key doesnt work) then the day after i got back, i went to camp krem, and his little tart monisa txts him telling him she loves him, i get pissed, i meet german guy, fabien, hellahot and hella sweet. clay leaves and me and fabien kicked it in the wilderness. met alot of cool people, had a blast, came home, see clay, i call mo while hes in jamba juice, i told her that ive been with him for the past 9 months, but i felt like there was something that went on between them, she said nothing happened, he got in the car, i told him i called her and she told me everything (little white lie) but i wanted to hear it from him, he tells me that he cheated on me with her, fucked her 7 times, told her we werent together, we both freak out, talk about it, decide we love eachother enough to make it work, dance, get drunk, fuck and make up, etc, then a few days later hes late to meet me cause he finally broke the news to the dumb bitch that i was his girl and then what yea he was 2 hours late meeting me cause he was at her house explaining this to her (still not ok with that!!!) then what else, everything is kinda ok, im on edge. september school starts, im happy for about 2 weeks. then i realise that im screwed by having ap english first period (cant talk about plato while im asleep), that i have no motivation to do math, that physics is fun but i suck at it and must accept the fact that i will barely pass. oh yea for the past few months ive been visiting colleges. fell in love with occidental and loyola. ok back to september, started all my apps. decided i wanted to go into international business and go to oxy. things are semi ok with clay. october is halloween. the first year i didnt dress up or go trick or treating. november i turned 18. whoopie.. not much has changed since i was 10.. still have a curfew. and now up to speed. im still crying my eyes out over clays infidelity, ive given up my dream of going to oxy to go to stanislaus with him so he can learn business from his dad. ive convinced myself that i actually want to be a teacher so i can justify picking a state school over oxy. see a psychologist who actually seems to be one of the only people in the world who understands. i grow apart from many friends, but get really close to jenny kubo, one of my 3 saviors, (the mother savior is danielle marie! an the other is my psychologist) i hit an all time low with my parents, decide that next semester i am going to try and move into claytons house. his parents say maybe because we argue too much. i have a lot of really hot guys liking me right now which helps me feel a little better about myself after my mom convinced me i need a minor boob job to become a c instead of my tiny b. i need to get a full at motions, im really pressured because i cant even do a layout. im sick of my coaches shit, im tired of working so hard at something i cannot do, i still have a ton of makeup homework and i spent a disgusting amount of money on people at christmas, especially clay and friends. i shouldve spent more on family. i miss my grandma on my dads side alot. arg. my life has been crazy this year. there are alot of uncertainties, alot of questions, and i feel like im making alot of sacrifice for one person in particular and i wonder if it will all pay off like it does in my day dreams or if im kidding myself. as much as i am in love, part of me tells me that with this new year, i need to think about me, which leads to my new years resolutions
im not going to number them
- DO MORE FOR MYSELF!!!!!!! : by this i mean that im going to stop saying yes when i really mean no. no more taking the shit hours at work! thats easy enough... where does it get difficult? well, if i do for me, that would mean leaving the one of few people i actually love in this world. and i dont want to do that.
- STOP SACRIFICING STUPID SHIT!!: by this i mean that im going to do my best to get into occidental, and if i get in, try and realise that my life and my future are more important than a faded and scarred dream... also, stop spending money on people needlessly. i need to save it
- SAVE MONEY! DONT SPEND THE PAYCHECKS!: important because i know that i am an extrememly independent person and when im in college, i need to have my own money and not ask my parents for it.
- BUY WISELY!!: as sad as it is, no more buying crap. only gona buy certain amounts of clothes per month, and one pair of shoes every 4 months.. no new purses or wallets... im beginning to tear up..
- EAT BETTER!!!!!: ill admit it, i have a nice body, a really tiny waist, a really nice ass and my thighs barely touch. however, if my thighs slammed together, i wouldnt care, if i had an extra few pudgies here and there i wouldnt care, and if i had a flat ass id shoot myself. so im not eating better to diet, but i dont want to die at 35 because my arteries are hard and clogged with fat and cholesterol..so therefore, no more than 2 sodas per month, and fast food once every two weeks, unless im having a nervous breakdown, then its once a day. absolutely no cinnabon or meals with transfat. instead i will do my best to take a vitamin
- DO NOT OVER COMMIT!!!!: no more saying ill be 5 places at once 5 minutes after i get done with an 8 hour shift at work.
- GET A SOCIAL LIFE IN FREMONT: i have a minimal one.. i dont like fremont, i dont like over acheivers.. i prob wont stick with this one to be honest
- HAVE MY OWN LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!: this will be the hardest of all. letting go of my boyfriend comes first and foremost. no more ditching previous plans for him, no more spending over 40 bucks a week on gas to go there all the time, no more 300 dollar phone bills all because of one phone number. i need to find myself in this relationship and evaluate whether or not its what i really want. the struggle is love versus reality. when in love, you lose a sense of reality. i lost reality because ive been hurt so badly yet im still blinded by passion. maybe that passion is best for me and a life with this guy is what i was made for. however as i reviewed how my year has went, its obvious that almost all of my dilemmas have arisen because of one person... i dont think that this is a positive thing, especially in a long term, long distance relationship... but what is a girl supposed to do when shes in love? im so in love, but i have also learned that maybe you need to have your heart broken a few times in order to know what true love is. he has definetly broken my heart a time or two, yet i still yearn to be his everything, to be his girl, his fiancee, his wife, and nothing can take that away. but i also know that lately, this relationship has been hell, and im not sure how much more i can handle. so this resolution means that if i feel that this relationship devastates me anymore, i will leave with my head held high. probably with tears gushing down my face, a broken heart, and my mind screaming at me "what the hell are you doing!!?!?" but i think its finally time i looked at my relationship and evaluated it.. and since im not tired i will right now
OFFICIAL RELATIONSHIP EVALUATOR WHEN I AM IN MOSTLY OPTIMISTIC MOOD: so yeah. in terms of true, honest love, i think that clay loves me about 70 percent and i love him 70 percent. the rest of the 30s are not counted as true because we are both skeptical at the moment. in terms of trust, i trust him about 90 percent. i actually cant say how much he trusts me.. id guess about 75 because he knows that im kinda into gary whos hella into me. i mean im not "into" gary, but im really pleased by the way hes treating me. then so yeah i guess in terms of how long it will last, id LIKE to say 100 percent, because i would love to raise children with him and live and spend the rest of eternity with him, however to be perfectly honest, i really feel like he doesnt love me nearly as much anymore. i feel like he doesnt really want to be with me, i feel like the reason he stays is because he is so used to me, but thats not how it is. i cant put my finger on it,but i really feel like he feels like im not the one for him in his heart, but he just really wants me to be the one so hes trying to convince himself that i am, but he knows that, to him, the truth is im not, well i feel like in his eyes im not. and then the thing is that i really love him and i feel like hes the one for me, i just wish i could change a few things. i want a man who is uber successful and i THINK he will be that, but who knows u know. because of how highschool went, hes not gonna go to berkeley or stanford. when i was a little girl, i always pictured myself marrying a lawyer and me being a business woman, and as superficial as that is, its the truth and im afraid that if i dont marry that super school graduate, im going to end up poor. ive watched my dad struggle so much, and i dont want to have to put my family through that at all. arg.. and then gary has been spitting the best game ever. damn he makes so much sense and hes so tempting but i know if i c him all he will try and do is get with me and im not looking for someone else, but hes looking hard for me, all of a sudden. im so deep in love with clay, but each day he (clay) makes me feel more and more negative about our relationship. he always disappoints me. for every 5 times he disappoints me he does one nice thing, and expects it to make up for everything. i really think he isnt ready for someone like me. i think that he does love me, but not in the way that i want him to. i want a man who loves me so much he would do absolutely anything for me. he would never look at another woman, and he would really realize what a woman he has next to him. he wouldnt expect me just to be a housewife, and he would have goals and dreams. INSTEAD OF JUST TALKING, HE WOULD ACTUALLY DO. i duno i think clay could be the one, but at the same time, hes to idealistic, he doesnt understand the responsibilities and hardships of the real world. he hasnt seen alot of aspects of life. every time anything has happened to him, he never has to pay a dire consequence. hes never really taken responsibility for his actions, he just blames it on everything else. i think that he has the potential to grow up but he wont take it, partly because his parents baby the hell out of him, and partly because he hasnt been taught through life experiences. i wish guys these days were like old fashioned. i wish they didnt see us as peices of ass. i wish that a guy could figure out how to take a girl on a date, A NICE ONE, NOT THE MATINEE! i wish that guys could be faithful. stay with one girl, not screw other ones behind their back. i wish that men respected women, even when women pmsed. in the old days, a man wouldve never bad mouthed his wife, even when she was irritated. its like guys dont understand that if they just acted right, women would treat them like kings. if a man did me right, never talked shit to me, never disappointed me, never gave me a reason to not trust him, i would do anything for him. i would give up any and everything for him. and thats how clay was for me. but it seems like since june its been a huge downward spiral. i wouldve easily given up everything for him before, but now im not so sure. he calls me a fucking bitch sometimes.. or a stupid bitch. i call him a bitch too tho.. but i mean, even if i say it, i feel like a man should never under any circumstance say that to his girl. i feel like he is just straight up mean and immature too often for me to give up my life for anymore. i guess in conclusion, this relationship needs to make miracle changes if he wants it to last past highschool. but if my instincts are correct, and deep down inside he thinks im not the one for him, then things wont change, ill go to oxy, hell go wherever, and we will have our seperate lives. i know he may say things will change, but hes said that so many times that i dont beleive it anymore.
- FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF!!!!!: which leads to the fact that u know what i am hot. i have nice skin, im petite, i have a nice ass, i may not have huge tits, but im smart. i know whats going on in the world and i care. im good in the bedroom and i care about others pleasure more than my own. im a damn good catch, and if clay cant get his act together and realise that, then i should leave and find someone who will treat me like the princess i am. i am high maintenance, but u know what i deserve it, and if you arent man enough to let something go in a tiny little argument or deal with the fact that i get mad and hurt when u disappoint me, then you arent man enough for me!
HOWEVER
reading all of this and past entries, you must all think clay is some sort of monster. i want to clarify that he is not. he is capable of being the sweetest, kindest, most romantic person he can be. he bought me beautiful jewelry, and even if it wasnt the diamond ring i wanted, (and half expected) it was beautiful. he did give it to me in the middle of watching the lemony snickett movie, which is in no way romantic and i dont really understand at all, considering there were way more romantic and creative ways it couldve been done, i think he was really trying in his own weird clay way to be romantic. and when we thought i could be pregnant, he stood by my decision to NOT have an abortion 100 percent (or so he said), which means alot (by the way, im not) and all my family really loves him alot and i love his.. even tho his mom thinks im "a fucking bitch who can go to hell" in her words.. yeah.. im loved.
but yes so have i really learned anything from this entry?
yes
what?
im not quite sure, but something along the lines of i need to take control of my life. if i am unhappy i need to figure out why and change it. if it cant or refuses to be changed, i need to ditch it and move on and do whats best for me. im perfect the way i am, small b boobs and all, and even though i cant get over the fact that my boyfriend cheated on me 6 months ago, im not a weird person, im a person with emotion, a person who has enough self respect to demand the truth and question what im told. im pretty enough to know that i dont have to settle for less, smart enough to know that i dont have to. i know that i have dated great guys, and all have their flaws, and all have helped me discover what i want from life. i have learned that assumption may be bad, but it can help you find out the truth. ive learned that my own instinct is best to follow, and when my instinct gets confused, theres nothing a little live journal venting cannot fix. life isnt perfect, neither is anyone else, but it doesnt mean that someone has the right to be an asshole, a liar, a cheater, or a jerk. im too independent to let anyone, even my parents push me around, and if people dont like my independence, thats fine. if my man cant handle my fiery jealous streak, my sleuth like personality, or my mood swings based upon his infidelity, then he doesnt love me with all my flaws and we shouldnt be together. if i cant forgive him for what he did, i dont love him for all of his flaws, which means i shouldnt be with him
which lands me right back at square one.
what do i do in the situation that i can forgive, but cant forget? and by not forgetting, i mean plaguing my mind, giving me incessant nightmares that literally wake me out of my sleep, face soaked in tears in sweat, and me wide awake with vivid images of her with him in bed thrashing violently through my mind.. then when i ask him to comfort me, we end up in a fat arguement, and tears again. how do i decide between the man who is the biggest example of dr jeykll and mr hyde that i have ever seen? some one who can bring me so much happiness and so much pain? someone who can give me the future of my dreams, but in his terms instead of mine? someone id sacrifice everything for, but resent it? someone who i can imagine having children with, but also imagine being with out and having a different husband? i think that the dilemma can only be answered by time. i think that we as a mature adult couple need to decide between leaving now, not knowing what could have been, but saving eachother the terrible pain this relationship seems to cause, or stick it out, not knowing if it will ever be any better, but taking the chance on the dreams of the perfect future we share? i think the latter is what we will do. i wish he had his phone on right now. he was supposed to call me over an hour ago, but now his phones off and i havent heard from him... just a tiny disappointment, but one none the less. im really scared if i stay my entire life will be one giant disappointment..
ps. if anyone can find the lyrics to "u lied" by crea, i will love u if u put it as a comment
this may take awhile...
so beginning with today, started off bad, got worse, but turned out to be ok. this morning i was mad because it seemed like no one even bothered to look at my christmas list, but i realised that u know what, i got a hella nice jacket, 2 sexy underwears, nice jewelry from clay, barnes and noble gift cards and a starbucks card. i mean thats quite a bit. a whole lot more than most people my age get. and then i realised that gifts arent what christmas is about, christmas is about CHRIST. and i know there are many sceptics and non beleivers, but hey thats the original reason for christmas, Jesus was born tonight. He eventually gave up everything he had, including his life so that even though i sin, i can still have a shot at getting into heaven. if Jesus was only worried about what he received, we'd all be burning for eternity. so yes. i am very grateful for all that i received and im going to give a whole lot to good will. moving on, so i stayed home instead of going with clay, which was the right thing to do. im very proud that i made a good decision! anywho, i had an ok time, not the most excitement, but it was fun to see everyones face when we opened the "gag gifts"... there was one that was like a really large rave light that my mom thought was a dildo... then libby commented on how it was no where large enough and the next gift opened was a lava lamp and she proclaimed it the correct size...ahh.. menopausal women are scary. so i helped my mom out alot, and even though she didnt say thanks, i know it meant alot to her. even if she is a psycho, she can be pretty cool sometimes.. i must admit, i miss clay. hes been blowing me off alot lately, but really nice at the same time.
now entering on how the entire year has been. well lets see, january was good, so was february. alot of cheer competitions that we won for motions. march april and may were ok... i was in apush and ap psych and honors english and the God forsaken geometry which kicked my ass. no real problems with clay yet.. just hated how he always partied. he hated how i questioned him... whatelse... yeah not much. hung out with tyff and jessica ag alot. did motions some more. then june july and august easily the worst months of my life. june: clay cheats, i dont know about it yet. ironically, its the month he is the most sweet to me. probably cause he got to bang me on the weekends and her during the weekdays while i worked 11 hour days.. june was the beginning of wonderful summer. i didnt do much, i just worked, usually 7 am - 4pm or til 7 pm. didnt do much with the family. july was a little better. clay eventually stopped cheating during the middle of that month.. i still had no clue. drank 11 cosmos in mexico with jeanetta, almost got arrested twice, almost missed our cruise ship, got put on house arrest, of course her parents knew, so i had to tell my parents, who got hella pissed off an wanted to shoot me, (by the way sometimes my "d" key doesnt work) then the day after i got back, i went to camp krem, and his little tart monisa txts him telling him she loves him, i get pissed, i meet german guy, fabien, hellahot and hella sweet. clay leaves and me and fabien kicked it in the wilderness. met alot of cool people, had a blast, came home, see clay, i call mo while hes in jamba juice, i told her that ive been with him for the past 9 months, but i felt like there was something that went on between them, she said nothing happened, he got in the car, i told him i called her and she told me everything (little white lie) but i wanted to hear it from him, he tells me that he cheated on me with her, fucked her 7 times, told her we werent together, we both freak out, talk about it, decide we love eachother enough to make it work, dance, get drunk, fuck and make up, etc, then a few days later hes late to meet me cause he finally broke the news to the dumb bitch that i was his girl and then what yea he was 2 hours late meeting me cause he was at her house explaining this to her (still not ok with that!!!) then what else, everything is kinda ok, im on edge. september school starts, im happy for about 2 weeks. then i realise that im screwed by having ap english first period (cant talk about plato while im asleep), that i have no motivation to do math, that physics is fun but i suck at it and must accept the fact that i will barely pass. oh yea for the past few months ive been visiting colleges. fell in love with occidental and loyola. ok back to september, started all my apps. decided i wanted to go into international business and go to oxy. things are semi ok with clay. october is halloween. the first year i didnt dress up or go trick or treating. november i turned 18. whoopie.. not much has changed since i was 10.. still have a curfew. and now up to speed. im still crying my eyes out over clays infidelity, ive given up my dream of going to oxy to go to stanislaus with him so he can learn business from his dad. ive convinced myself that i actually want to be a teacher so i can justify picking a state school over oxy. see a psychologist who actually seems to be one of the only people in the world who understands. i grow apart from many friends, but get really close to jenny kubo, one of my 3 saviors, (the mother savior is danielle marie! an the other is my psychologist) i hit an all time low with my parents, decide that next semester i am going to try and move into claytons house. his parents say maybe because we argue too much. i have a lot of really hot guys liking me right now which helps me feel a little better about myself after my mom convinced me i need a minor boob job to become a c instead of my tiny b. i need to get a full at motions, im really pressured because i cant even do a layout. im sick of my coaches shit, im tired of working so hard at something i cannot do, i still have a ton of makeup homework and i spent a disgusting amount of money on people at christmas, especially clay and friends. i shouldve spent more on family. i miss my grandma on my dads side alot. arg. my life has been crazy this year. there are alot of uncertainties, alot of questions, and i feel like im making alot of sacrifice for one person in particular and i wonder if it will all pay off like it does in my day dreams or if im kidding myself. as much as i am in love, part of me tells me that with this new year, i need to think about me, which leads to my new years resolutions
im not going to number them
- DO MORE FOR MYSELF!!!!!!! : by this i mean that im going to stop saying yes when i really mean no. no more taking the shit hours at work! thats easy enough... where does it get difficult? well, if i do for me, that would mean leaving the one of few people i actually love in this world. and i dont want to do that.
- STOP SACRIFICING STUPID SHIT!!: by this i mean that im going to do my best to get into occidental, and if i get in, try and realise that my life and my future are more important than a faded and scarred dream... also, stop spending money on people needlessly. i need to save it
- SAVE MONEY! DONT SPEND THE PAYCHECKS!: important because i know that i am an extrememly independent person and when im in college, i need to have my own money and not ask my parents for it.
- BUY WISELY!!: as sad as it is, no more buying crap. only gona buy certain amounts of clothes per month, and one pair of shoes every 4 months.. no new purses or wallets... im beginning to tear up..
- EAT BETTER!!!!!: ill admit it, i have a nice body, a really tiny waist, a really nice ass and my thighs barely touch. however, if my thighs slammed together, i wouldnt care, if i had an extra few pudgies here and there i wouldnt care, and if i had a flat ass id shoot myself. so im not eating better to diet, but i dont want to die at 35 because my arteries are hard and clogged with fat and cholesterol..so therefore, no more than 2 sodas per month, and fast food once every two weeks, unless im having a nervous breakdown, then its once a day. absolutely no cinnabon or meals with transfat. instead i will do my best to take a vitamin
- DO NOT OVER COMMIT!!!!: no more saying ill be 5 places at once 5 minutes after i get done with an 8 hour shift at work.
- GET A SOCIAL LIFE IN FREMONT: i have a minimal one.. i dont like fremont, i dont like over acheivers.. i prob wont stick with this one to be honest
- HAVE MY OWN LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!: this will be the hardest of all. letting go of my boyfriend comes first and foremost. no more ditching previous plans for him, no more spending over 40 bucks a week on gas to go there all the time, no more 300 dollar phone bills all because of one phone number. i need to find myself in this relationship and evaluate whether or not its what i really want. the struggle is love versus reality. when in love, you lose a sense of reality. i lost reality because ive been hurt so badly yet im still blinded by passion. maybe that passion is best for me and a life with this guy is what i was made for. however as i reviewed how my year has went, its obvious that almost all of my dilemmas have arisen because of one person... i dont think that this is a positive thing, especially in a long term, long distance relationship... but what is a girl supposed to do when shes in love? im so in love, but i have also learned that maybe you need to have your heart broken a few times in order to know what true love is. he has definetly broken my heart a time or two, yet i still yearn to be his everything, to be his girl, his fiancee, his wife, and nothing can take that away. but i also know that lately, this relationship has been hell, and im not sure how much more i can handle. so this resolution means that if i feel that this relationship devastates me anymore, i will leave with my head held high. probably with tears gushing down my face, a broken heart, and my mind screaming at me "what the hell are you doing!!?!?" but i think its finally time i looked at my relationship and evaluated it.. and since im not tired i will right now
OFFICIAL RELATIONSHIP EVALUATOR WHEN I AM IN MOSTLY OPTIMISTIC MOOD: so yeah. in terms of true, honest love, i think that clay loves me about 70 percent and i love him 70 percent. the rest of the 30s are not counted as true because we are both skeptical at the moment. in terms of trust, i trust him about 90 percent. i actually cant say how much he trusts me.. id guess about 75 because he knows that im kinda into gary whos hella into me. i mean im not "into" gary, but im really pleased by the way hes treating me. then so yeah i guess in terms of how long it will last, id LIKE to say 100 percent, because i would love to raise children with him and live and spend the rest of eternity with him, however to be perfectly honest, i really feel like he doesnt love me nearly as much anymore. i feel like he doesnt really want to be with me, i feel like the reason he stays is because he is so used to me, but thats not how it is. i cant put my finger on it,but i really feel like he feels like im not the one for him in his heart, but he just really wants me to be the one so hes trying to convince himself that i am, but he knows that, to him, the truth is im not, well i feel like in his eyes im not. and then the thing is that i really love him and i feel like hes the one for me, i just wish i could change a few things. i want a man who is uber successful and i THINK he will be that, but who knows u know. because of how highschool went, hes not gonna go to berkeley or stanford. when i was a little girl, i always pictured myself marrying a lawyer and me being a business woman, and as superficial as that is, its the truth and im afraid that if i dont marry that super school graduate, im going to end up poor. ive watched my dad struggle so much, and i dont want to have to put my family through that at all. arg.. and then gary has been spitting the best game ever. damn he makes so much sense and hes so tempting but i know if i c him all he will try and do is get with me and im not looking for someone else, but hes looking hard for me, all of a sudden. im so deep in love with clay, but each day he (clay) makes me feel more and more negative about our relationship. he always disappoints me. for every 5 times he disappoints me he does one nice thing, and expects it to make up for everything. i really think he isnt ready for someone like me. i think that he does love me, but not in the way that i want him to. i want a man who loves me so much he would do absolutely anything for me. he would never look at another woman, and he would really realize what a woman he has next to him. he wouldnt expect me just to be a housewife, and he would have goals and dreams. INSTEAD OF JUST TALKING, HE WOULD ACTUALLY DO. i duno i think clay could be the one, but at the same time, hes to idealistic, he doesnt understand the responsibilities and hardships of the real world. he hasnt seen alot of aspects of life. every time anything has happened to him, he never has to pay a dire consequence. hes never really taken responsibility for his actions, he just blames it on everything else. i think that he has the potential to grow up but he wont take it, partly because his parents baby the hell out of him, and partly because he hasnt been taught through life experiences. i wish guys these days were like old fashioned. i wish they didnt see us as peices of ass. i wish that a guy could figure out how to take a girl on a date, A NICE ONE, NOT THE MATINEE! i wish that guys could be faithful. stay with one girl, not screw other ones behind their back. i wish that men respected women, even when women pmsed. in the old days, a man wouldve never bad mouthed his wife, even when she was irritated. its like guys dont understand that if they just acted right, women would treat them like kings. if a man did me right, never talked shit to me, never disappointed me, never gave me a reason to not trust him, i would do anything for him. i would give up any and everything for him. and thats how clay was for me. but it seems like since june its been a huge downward spiral. i wouldve easily given up everything for him before, but now im not so sure. he calls me a fucking bitch sometimes.. or a stupid bitch. i call him a bitch too tho.. but i mean, even if i say it, i feel like a man should never under any circumstance say that to his girl. i feel like he is just straight up mean and immature too often for me to give up my life for anymore. i guess in conclusion, this relationship needs to make miracle changes if he wants it to last past highschool. but if my instincts are correct, and deep down inside he thinks im not the one for him, then things wont change, ill go to oxy, hell go wherever, and we will have our seperate lives. i know he may say things will change, but hes said that so many times that i dont beleive it anymore.
- FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF!!!!!: which leads to the fact that u know what i am hot. i have nice skin, im petite, i have a nice ass, i may not have huge tits, but im smart. i know whats going on in the world and i care. im good in the bedroom and i care about others pleasure more than my own. im a damn good catch, and if clay cant get his act together and realise that, then i should leave and find someone who will treat me like the princess i am. i am high maintenance, but u know what i deserve it, and if you arent man enough to let something go in a tiny little argument or deal with the fact that i get mad and hurt when u disappoint me, then you arent man enough for me!
HOWEVER
reading all of this and past entries, you must all think clay is some sort of monster. i want to clarify that he is not. he is capable of being the sweetest, kindest, most romantic person he can be. he bought me beautiful jewelry, and even if it wasnt the diamond ring i wanted, (and half expected) it was beautiful. he did give it to me in the middle of watching the lemony snickett movie, which is in no way romantic and i dont really understand at all, considering there were way more romantic and creative ways it couldve been done, i think he was really trying in his own weird clay way to be romantic. and when we thought i could be pregnant, he stood by my decision to NOT have an abortion 100 percent (or so he said), which means alot (by the way, im not) and all my family really loves him alot and i love his.. even tho his mom thinks im "a fucking bitch who can go to hell" in her words.. yeah.. im loved.
but yes so have i really learned anything from this entry?
yes
what?
im not quite sure, but something along the lines of i need to take control of my life. if i am unhappy i need to figure out why and change it. if it cant or refuses to be changed, i need to ditch it and move on and do whats best for me. im perfect the way i am, small b boobs and all, and even though i cant get over the fact that my boyfriend cheated on me 6 months ago, im not a weird person, im a person with emotion, a person who has enough self respect to demand the truth and question what im told. im pretty enough to know that i dont have to settle for less, smart enough to know that i dont have to. i know that i have dated great guys, and all have their flaws, and all have helped me discover what i want from life. i have learned that assumption may be bad, but it can help you find out the truth. ive learned that my own instinct is best to follow, and when my instinct gets confused, theres nothing a little live journal venting cannot fix. life isnt perfect, neither is anyone else, but it doesnt mean that someone has the right to be an asshole, a liar, a cheater, or a jerk. im too independent to let anyone, even my parents push me around, and if people dont like my independence, thats fine. if my man cant handle my fiery jealous streak, my sleuth like personality, or my mood swings based upon his infidelity, then he doesnt love me with all my flaws and we shouldnt be together. if i cant forgive him for what he did, i dont love him for all of his flaws, which means i shouldnt be with him
which lands me right back at square one.
what do i do in the situation that i can forgive, but cant forget? and by not forgetting, i mean plaguing my mind, giving me incessant nightmares that literally wake me out of my sleep, face soaked in tears in sweat, and me wide awake with vivid images of her with him in bed thrashing violently through my mind.. then when i ask him to comfort me, we end up in a fat arguement, and tears again. how do i decide between the man who is the biggest example of dr jeykll and mr hyde that i have ever seen? some one who can bring me so much happiness and so much pain? someone who can give me the future of my dreams, but in his terms instead of mine? someone id sacrifice everything for, but resent it? someone who i can imagine having children with, but also imagine being with out and having a different husband? i think that the dilemma can only be answered by time. i think that we as a mature adult couple need to decide between leaving now, not knowing what could have been, but saving eachother the terrible pain this relationship seems to cause, or stick it out, not knowing if it will ever be any better, but taking the chance on the dreams of the perfect future we share? i think the latter is what we will do. i wish he had his phone on right now. he was supposed to call me over an hour ago, but now his phones off and i havent heard from him... just a tiny disappointment, but one none the less. im really scared if i stay my entire life will be one giant disappointment..
ps. if anyone can find the lyrics to "u lied" by crea, i will love u if u put it as a comment