I'm not dead. (Not that anyone cares.)
So... It's been just short of a year since I'd last written in this thing. I was pretty sure I'd just given up on it, but here I am. Kind of randomly though, I had no plans of writing in it the hour before or in the almost year I spent forgetting about it, and I don't know why I'm writing what I am right now... If I had to take a stab at the why though, I guess it would be because I've become a radically different person from the person that last wrote in this journal, and I'm kind of embarrassed by that. I don't like who I was before. I don't like who I still am. For the longest time I just wanted to let this journal go ignored long enough that people would forget about it, about the person who wrote so many silly, stupid things. I guess maybe I'm sad that it actually happened.
Sissy had her first baby this year. His name is Justin, named after his dad. His birth, and interacting with him, I think that's changed me the most this year. I can honestly say I've never before loved someone the very day I met them. I've never seen such a healthy, happy baby before. Other babies always look skinny and ill compared to him. I love watching him grow every time I see him.
I've also changed, by realizing that my mental addiction to marijuana is no less lame than my mother's addiction to alcohol, and I'm working to quit. I've realized that I'm going to be in pain all my life, and it's nothing to cry about. So I'm trying to work on quitting all this crying, too. It's an unfortunately slow and difficult process though, because I am alone just as I have been all my life. I've realized that being alone and unsupported is what's been putting me in the most pain all this time. I regrettably haven't been able to change that just yet, but I feel I've been in less physical pain lately.
My mother had to have a complete hysterectomy, because she had developed cancer in her uterus. She's fine now. My father's sleep apnea has gotten severe. Nowadays he sleeps connected to a machine as big as a larger-sized suitcase. My Step-Aunt Dory Divine died. She slipped on a mossy sidewalk, broke her hip, and was then over-medicated by the hospital she was sent to. I didn't get to go to her funeral, because I was forced to go to my brother David's wedding instead. I met Lexi there. We got along really well at the wedding, even though we haven't talked in years, and I even caught the bouquet for the first time. But even though I've tried calling, we've only spoken once since then, and only long enough for her to reject my idea to meet again sometime.
Seeing new life thrive, seeing old, equally precious life start to slowly fade, and my own somewhere between the two... Above all, I think I realize I need to start using this pain to my advantage, else it will only always work against me.
Sissy had her first baby this year. His name is Justin, named after his dad. His birth, and interacting with him, I think that's changed me the most this year. I can honestly say I've never before loved someone the very day I met them. I've never seen such a healthy, happy baby before. Other babies always look skinny and ill compared to him. I love watching him grow every time I see him.
I've also changed, by realizing that my mental addiction to marijuana is no less lame than my mother's addiction to alcohol, and I'm working to quit. I've realized that I'm going to be in pain all my life, and it's nothing to cry about. So I'm trying to work on quitting all this crying, too. It's an unfortunately slow and difficult process though, because I am alone just as I have been all my life. I've realized that being alone and unsupported is what's been putting me in the most pain all this time. I regrettably haven't been able to change that just yet, but I feel I've been in less physical pain lately.
My mother had to have a complete hysterectomy, because she had developed cancer in her uterus. She's fine now. My father's sleep apnea has gotten severe. Nowadays he sleeps connected to a machine as big as a larger-sized suitcase. My Step-Aunt Dory Divine died. She slipped on a mossy sidewalk, broke her hip, and was then over-medicated by the hospital she was sent to. I didn't get to go to her funeral, because I was forced to go to my brother David's wedding instead. I met Lexi there. We got along really well at the wedding, even though we haven't talked in years, and I even caught the bouquet for the first time. But even though I've tried calling, we've only spoken once since then, and only long enough for her to reject my idea to meet again sometime.
Seeing new life thrive, seeing old, equally precious life start to slowly fade, and my own somewhere between the two... Above all, I think I realize I need to start using this pain to my advantage, else it will only always work against me.