oh decemeber
Ah the lovely month of decemeber full of shitty snow, cold weather and christmas. I'm acutally pretty much finished with my christmas shopping the only things i need to pick up is another git for my older sister probably something really teachery so she can wear it to work and some small stuff for the pets. Plus I'm still waiting for the one book i ordered for my dad. One of them came but im still waiting on the other. I emailed them so now i have to wait. If i dont get an email back explaining things by monday then im going to call and find out. It was charged to my credit card so it better get to my house before christmas. Christmas this year is at our house which i always enjoy more becuase it allows me to slip away to my room when no one is looking and chill out without having to be around the family calling me she and my birthname the whole time. Alison is buyin me booze so it ought to make christmas a little more bearable to me. Mom acutally labeled my christmas presents Caiden which makes me feel really good and happy. I was kinda afraid id get all my gifts labeled to "birthname" or H(my nickname). My moms boss (who isnt aware of my trans status) gave my mom a old painting of 3 victorian kids. My mom has a thing for victorian things and has a painting of 3 girls each one has conwinceadently a ribbon of our fav colors on their dress. Mom was stoked when she found it cause she was all like "YAY its my 3 girls" well this new painting has a boy and 2 girls. When she showed it to me i made reference to it being me and my 2 sisters pointing to the boy when i said me. My mom looked at me and said "I know this has new signifacnce other than it just being a nice painting". I really do love my mom and how good she is being with accepting me and all that i am bringing to the table. She has been both the main support system but also my main battle. Ive had to fight with her for every inch ive gotten but then when we dont fight she surprises me with how far she really has come. She will defend me and my choice to transition to anyone but she will also keep it hush hush so im not the talk of the town. Either way i am her child and she loves me regardless. She tells me how its nice to have her kid back, that im nicer, happier. I acutally enjoy spending time with my parents, or my 2 sisters or my family in general. When a few years ago we couldnt stand eachother. I really do appriectate my family more than they probably know.
I made some appointments for my transition stuff like an endo and im hoping to get my T letter from my therapist this friday or at least before my appointment on the 24th. I contacted a lawyer about my name change. Im unsure of all the forms and how to fill them out and the last thing i want to do is fuck up my name. But i want to get it done so that i can go ahead and start making the other changes like my license and things along those lines. My chest is still healing its still swollen in some parts and she told me it could take up to 6 months to full heal so im hoping thats why im still puffy in certain areas. But it looks killer im not gonna lie. Im stoked about it. Now i just have to get my ass in gear to work out and eat right so i can wicked fit before starting T.
Girls yo...its like the second i figure out "ok we are done we arent going to talk not going to be anything anymore" she calls. She starts it all over again. Anna went to rehab to get her drinking under control. She would be alcholic #2 ive dated. But i give her alot of props for acutally ackowledging her problem and taking the steps to fix it. Sam would never do that (which by the way we no longer talk which im fine with) But anna started shit with me a few months back and then pretty much stopped talking to me. I guess she stopped cause she went to rehab and before that she didnt know how to expalin why she did what she did. But when we talked the other night she seemed normal. Happy like she wanst fucking around with either my mind or hers. We decided yeah we still care about eachtoher but its been 2 years since we've seen eacother (she lives in maine and before that went to school in NH i live in new york) and that we need to start over. We need to get to know eachtoehr now since i know i am hella different from when we dated and im sure she is too. That we need to take things wicked slow. Figure our shit out with ourselves since we have alot of stuff on our plates. Me with transitioning and everything that comes with that and she has her staying sober and taking care of things that happened because of her drinking like going to court. She wants to come for burnies birthday in jan. I told her id come get her because it would mean alot to burnie to have her there. She has court on the 11th...burnies birthday is the 12th. I dont know how thats going to work. But its burnies 21st birthday so there will be drinking there. Im not a fan of getting retarded with drinking but i will get buzzed. And if anna comes itll be hard not to feel guilty about drinking in front of her. I support her 100% on getting and stayin sober. I acutally want her to stay sober more than she knows. Ive been hurt and burned by sam so much because of her drinking i dont want that with her. And she told me if she comes she wont kiss me if ive been drinking. Then its like dont come. I want to see her wicked bad more than ill ever admit. But there is and always will be sexaul tension with us. We hooked up the first day we met so if we see eachother again we both know itll happen again. So its like why throw that in my face? But im not freaking out about talking to her again. Im going to stand by her and let her know i am here to support her but i will not hold out just for her. There is alot of stuff we need to fix or figure out or whatever before we can figure us out. whatever us is. There are alot of girls around here that i have interest in (and a couple trans guys) that i dont want to close myself off and then have anna say she doesnt want us. No way. ive done that before with sam and it got me no where. Right now...i feel really good about myself, about my body, i want to have fun and keep my options open. Anna is deff in the back of my mind all the time tho.
People are going to want you, need you, exceed you, take you, love you, hate you, play you, rate you, save you and break you but thats what makes you.