(no subject)
Surgery is in 10 days and counting. I dont know what kind of feelings i am having right now. Dont get me wrong and think that i am having 2nd thoughts about going through with it. My bank account has already been drained by paying the medical people that needed to be paid. I just know that this is still going to be a long road after teh surgery. Its not about to just all of a sudden get easier. Im still going to have to go through getting my name legally changed, changing over the documents that need changing (passport, drivers license, ss) im not going to try for my bc becuase new york requires me to have a hysto and i cant afford that right now at the age of 20. So im going to try for the passport because that should work too. If anything ill just have to explain my situation if it ever comes up. I also need a new license picture because my old one from when i was 16, while funny to look at, doesnt do me any justice. Im trying to stay connected with the good freinds that i have now while trying to connect with new people. All while trying to reconnect with my family as caiden. My mom thinks my anger has subsided in a huge way since ive fully come out as trans to everyone and they know my plans on transitioning. My mom gave me a card with my family nick name on it since of a daughter card which i was secretly dreading of getting from her. But surgery is so real now.
Last night me nad bernie went to smith college to watch their playoff game in rugby since my wicked good friend plays on that team. Then i went and met/hung out with another girl that goes there. We have been talking alot via facebook and phone since i met her 3 weeks ago. She is wicked chill.There was a "dinner party" in the one girls dorm room and it was quiet nice. Just soft music in the background and evreyone eating and drinking while talking. Then this wicked weird girl came in. Now i know smith is a liberal college and i try to not pass judgement on anyone because who says i have the right to? But somehow the convsertation turned to one girls dating habbits after she left to meet up with her boyfriend. I picked up from convos taht the boy she was meeting must have been trans and it was verified by the weird girl asking the girl i was hanging with if that girl only dated tranny boys or if she dated real guys. I know it wasnt an attack on me. But damn i whispered to my friend bernie i was getting uncomfortable with where this convo could be heading. the girl i like (who knows im trans and is super cool about it) was like shes straight she only dates guys. But hte weird one wouldnt let it go she then starts talking about the trans guys chest and top surgery and i was like okay yea now im uncomfortable. It was just so odd like she had no respect for the kid or the girl who was dating him and made it sound like just because he was trans he wasnt a real guy. Im kinda happy that the girl i like knows im trans off the get go. And shes totally cool about it. Calls me a he with her friends and even when we talk about shit from our past i dont try and make shit up so i look like a dude. I was a girlscout for 14 years how do you lie about that? so i dont. we can make jokes baout how our moms dressed us in horrible dresses or girl scouts and i can say my birth name without cringing because i know caitlin is so much apart of me. Caitlin makes up so much of who caiden is. I cant hide it from people and i wont. As long as they can respect me and call me caiden and he i dont care who knows im trans. I know hearing my freinds call me he and how when o nthe phone they can say "we are visitng his old girlfriend". they still slip up but i barely notice becasue they correct themselves. Ive never corrected anyone in my life. I make jokes with my mom and sisters about how im my dogs daddy or that i want to be an uncle but im not a nazi about it.
I just want for things in my life to start to come together. Im tried of being at square one. I acutally am starting to hate square 1.
Last night me nad bernie went to smith college to watch their playoff game in rugby since my wicked good friend plays on that team. Then i went and met/hung out with another girl that goes there. We have been talking alot via facebook and phone since i met her 3 weeks ago. She is wicked chill.There was a "dinner party" in the one girls dorm room and it was quiet nice. Just soft music in the background and evreyone eating and drinking while talking. Then this wicked weird girl came in. Now i know smith is a liberal college and i try to not pass judgement on anyone because who says i have the right to? But somehow the convsertation turned to one girls dating habbits after she left to meet up with her boyfriend. I picked up from convos taht the boy she was meeting must have been trans and it was verified by the weird girl asking the girl i was hanging with if that girl only dated tranny boys or if she dated real guys. I know it wasnt an attack on me. But damn i whispered to my friend bernie i was getting uncomfortable with where this convo could be heading. the girl i like (who knows im trans and is super cool about it) was like shes straight she only dates guys. But hte weird one wouldnt let it go she then starts talking about the trans guys chest and top surgery and i was like okay yea now im uncomfortable. It was just so odd like she had no respect for the kid or the girl who was dating him and made it sound like just because he was trans he wasnt a real guy. Im kinda happy that the girl i like knows im trans off the get go. And shes totally cool about it. Calls me a he with her friends and even when we talk about shit from our past i dont try and make shit up so i look like a dude. I was a girlscout for 14 years how do you lie about that? so i dont. we can make jokes baout how our moms dressed us in horrible dresses or girl scouts and i can say my birth name without cringing because i know caitlin is so much apart of me. Caitlin makes up so much of who caiden is. I cant hide it from people and i wont. As long as they can respect me and call me caiden and he i dont care who knows im trans. I know hearing my freinds call me he and how when o nthe phone they can say "we are visitng his old girlfriend". they still slip up but i barely notice becasue they correct themselves. Ive never corrected anyone in my life. I make jokes with my mom and sisters about how im my dogs daddy or that i want to be an uncle but im not a nazi about it.
I just want for things in my life to start to come together. Im tried of being at square one. I acutally am starting to hate square 1.