endless rant jsut for myself
I hate how some people talk. How they can pour their whole entire heart out to you yet in 2 days they tell you they cant do this. Do what? we arent dating...you live almost 7 hours away...i dont even know the town you live in....i havent seen you in over 2 years. What cant you do? talk to me? thats fuckin bullshit. You cant sit there and drag out all these old feelings, all these old problems that happened with us and then walk away. You cant open pandoras box which i have worked so hard to keep shut and locked away and then think its fine to walk. Im huge on closer. Im huge on knowing the reason behind things. Im huge on knowing Why. Ive always been that way. And when i told you i wanted closer with you after 2 years you cried and agreed with me. You told me we never had that and you wanted it. Yet when i talked to you today you told me you said all that out of guilt. How do you say all the shit you've said to me in 2 weeks out of guilt? because i dont think you did. I just dont think you have the balls enough to go through with all this. You waited around for 2 years for me to get to the point i am at today...to the point where if you wanted it id drive to see you, to look you in the face and talk to you, to see if whatever we had back then is still there today. That if you wanted it we'd take the time to figure shit out no matter how long it took. But yet now that i am at the point where you want me to be you now want for me to go back to pretending you arent alive? I cant do that. Even i wanted you..you started this train no way you are going to stop it as fast as you started it. You not only dug out all my old feelings and emotions towards you you dragged them out of me. And now you want me to take it all back. To shut them all back up into the lil space i had kept you and your memories for 2 years? I cant keep my heart from hurting right now and i cant seem to get my thoughts of you out of my head. If you want for me to go back to pretending i never met you fine...if you want to think i dont exsist then fine. If thats the kind of closer you want then you wil get it. Ill quit calling, ill quit texting. Ill quiet being a friend and asking about your life and how you are doing. Just be better for both of us if you get it through your head that im dead and you did it. Im sorry i let go of you once...i was young, stupid and didnt know myself didnt know what i wanted. But im older now...i know more than i did back then...i want that chance to prove all of that to you. But if you dont want that then the most i can say is im sorry. Im sorry you feel the only way to stay friends with me is to tell me you love me out of guilt, that you care about me so much only out of guilt, that you want closer only out of guilt. That kills me. I never wanted anything from you. NEVER. I never forced you to tell me you cared about me, or that you loved me. I never once told you to drop your life and come be with me. Its been 2 years im not stupid i know you have a life out there that doesnt involve me. Just as i have one here that you arent apart of. But that doesnt mean i dont wear your ring, that my heart doesnt beat faster when you call. But dont worry im gonna walk from you and all this bullshit that is surrounding us. I cant do that to myself. My life is hard enough i dont need you telling me one thing one day and something competely different the next. You cant fuck with my emotions my herat that way. I understand i hurt you....im sorry for that. But there is nothing i can do about it now and if you are trying to get even well then its working. Its slowly getting under my skin and the more i try to figure out why its getting to me the more i feel like i am losing my mind. Maybe i should have just forgotten about you. Maybe i should have left out of my life instead of keeping in contact with you like i promised i would. Why after 2 years can you still do this to me? why after 2 years can you make me feel this way? I hate how you started all this shit with me again and now you all of a sudden want to walk away from it all like your hand had no part in creating the mess we are now swimming in.