(no subject)
Graduation was boring all in itself...but i think everyone knew it was going to be. They start from the left side of the gym (which is huge mind you) and they do all the liberal arts students first. the liberal art students make up almost 80 to 85% of the college students...the tech group which is what i was in was last. so we had to sit for almost 3 hours till we got called...then after i got my diploma i bailed and went home. I had other plans with my best friend to take me out after graduation and then a party later that night with my girlfreind and a bunch of her friends. All in All it was a good day. Im finally done with school and it seems weird to me that im the only one of my friends that is done...they all will be going to school in the fall and ill be starting my full time job in less than 2 weeks.
I got a job answering phones at a place called roto rooter...they are the one of the oldest plumbing companies around...i am well over qualified to be answering phones...but it pays 10 bucks an hour and give me 2 days off....and seems to be an easy job to do. I put my 2 weeks in at my other 2 jobs cause i dont want to have that many jobs espically if one is full time. i want to have time for myself and my girlfriend and my friends. Right now its right down the road from my house...literally walking distance from my house.I say right now because my girlfriend wants to get an apartment closer to school...right now she lives 45 minutes away from me and i live about 10 minutes away from school. Thing is i havent been with my girlfriend for too long...acutally itll be one month on the 15th...but we click almost immedentaly and shes completely different from my ex.
My ex fucked me up...not phyically never...but emotionally totally. But she has been in london for the past 5 months (im sure you're all sick of hearing about it) but it gave me the time i needed to see and while talking to her figure out that she sint the girl i thought she was. she isnt the girl i want to be with or build a life with. She never put me on any list of importance...never wanted to see me, never wanted to go out of her way to do anything cute or say anything cute. I'm a laid back guy and wont tell you who you can and cant hang out with. I would do anything for her and she knew it and toook well on full adbantage of it. Over the past 5 months ive pushed away alot of girls that i had feelings for because of my ex...thinking we might be able to work things out. BUt then i met brittany and we clicked almost immdedtanlty...within the first 2 days she already knew i wore a binder and that i saw myself as trans and wanted to have top surgrey....we talked about it alot...i didnt want tocommit msyelf to another girl who would only turn around and tell me they'd leave me if i trainstioned in any way. which my ex did...told me she cared about me that seh even loved me but it would all change if i changed my body in any way. I drive almost 45 minutes daily to every other fay to see her since she tore her roatartory cuff in a softball game nad had surgrey and cant drive let alone move her right arm. BUt i dont mind doing it becuase i cant get enough of this girl...she hates commientment yet its her idea to have me move in with her while she and her other firned search for an apartment. She wants to be with me trans or no trans. I think i could be in love with her...and if im not in love with her...im deff falling in love with her. She makes me feel like im not this piece of dirt i have built up in my head over years of self struggle with my idnetity. From having this feeling of never fitting in either with my peers, my family or just with myself. She makes me feel like i dont have a care in the world to worry about....and she tells me things that she doesnt tell other people. Im easy to talk to for her. Im glad i am that person for her. Im glad she is willing to be open minded about my issue with my gender.
Im finally moving on and forward. Im done with school and got myself a big boy job. Im planning on moving out of my folks house and taking a HUGE step by moving in with my girlfreind. I mailed a letter to a therapist and got a response back so im going to call her... i have a good feeling about her because even though i told her my birthname is caitlin and its what mose people still call me by i perferr caiden and she addressed the letter to caiden. Im also done worry about my ex like i used to. She comes home from london tomorrow and the only thing i can think of is whether or not my girl is sleeping at my hsoue or if im sleeping at her tomorrow night. I no longer care about my ex like that and im fine being her freind but im glad i finally got to that point where i can see that shes not good for me. Oh and i picked up the sport of bowling...secretly i like it a hella lot...im in a league and get pissed when i start to bowl shitty...bowling is like the only sport i feel like you are to blame for doing shitty. there are no wind factors, no other players...just yo uand the lane. and how you throw it/
alright im going to bed
your boy
caiden