huge Rant

[score1021]

Well the only thing new right now besides my search for an apartment to share with my best friend is the fact that the doctor who agreed to do my Top Surgrey is now backing down. It had been a month between when i first went to see her to the 2nd consultation. The 1st visit i explained to her my situation. I was transgendered. I view myself very much like a male but i am not living as one. That right now my ideas about transitioning hormone wise is at a stand still so i dont plan on taking them any time soon. My main reason being that even though i very much identify as being a male and pride myself on passing as one...i however have come to terms with yes i am trans but no i dont want to hormonally alter myself. I am comfortable in my body except for the major issue of me having a chest. Granted its not huge...not in the least but its still there. I know its there. After talking it over with the dr she told me all about what she would be doing, they quoted me on a price and told me they wont schdule me for anything until after i come back for a 2nd consulation. BUT before i left her office i asked her if i needed any letters from any therapists about this and her response was no. We talked a bit about why i wanted to do this to myself and if i understood that 20 years from now i wont have breast tissue. I told her i myself dont plan on having kids...do i want kids yes are they comming out of me no. So a month passed from my first visit to my second. And i had been in touch with that office many times to try and sechdule the surgrey as soon as possible to work around my cruise and having to go to work full time. I cant afford to not being able to lift things for a month beucase i am a plumber we lift heavy things on a daily basis. So i skip my lab class which is 3 hours long to go to this 2nd visit which i couldnt miss cuase i was told it was to take pictures and to schedule my surgrey. Remember it has been a month. Well all goes well the dr comes in we talk about so im back i thought it all through im sure i want to do this. i say yes to everything. i understand what i am doing to myself. i am willing to empty my life savings out for this surgery to make me happy and comfortable in my own body. she proceeds to tell me that she is a 40 year old woman and she knows people regret things they do when they are young. And she doesnt understand why any healthy sane 19 year old girl would want to remove her chest so she now wants me to have professional help to prove i am sane and know what i am doing. Which is fucking bullshit if you ask me. I undertand she wants to cover her ass fine great but she should have told me in the begining that she wanted me to talk to someone or if hse didnt think about it then ive called that office numerous times they could have told me then or she could have called me. The way she handled me in that office upset me alot. It truly amazes me how different somone will treat me because i want my chest removed rather than up'd to a DD. Its sicking what she did. I'll seek help but only becuase my mom asked me too becuase she is afraid that the way the dr handled me has done more damage than good. That she is afraid the pressures of being this unhappy with myself will cause me to become upstable. I am sane...and i do know what i am doing. THe dr pissed me off hardcore she upset me nad rattled my being becasue she let me sit on the idea that this would all go over find and dandy without a hitch for a month and then i come in to take pictures and she tells me she doesnt think im sane? fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk that and fuck her too. Ill find another surgeron the do the surgery this lady deff isnt getting one cent from me. It just sucks cause i knew the perfect time for hte surgrey to happen so i would have enough time to heal before i would have to go to work full time. And now its all fucked up. 
Sometimes i wish i wasnt who i am...but i cant change that. And now i have to prove myself to everyone and its not fair.