The Pest
I'm pretty sure I have been a nuisance to everyone around me. And I don't care, I'm happy, it's been noticed, it's palpable. I can't shut up about it.
Four days on from my last entry, which is some kind of recent record (it feels like I'm setting a record here every time I add to this anymore), there's been a fundamental shift. A surrender of sorts. An escalation of sorts.
I am not ready to put a name to it, or label it, or even examine it too hard. It's a fragile thing in a lot of ways, and I'm trying to nurture it. My cheeks hurt, and it's a good thing.
I know that every time is different. I always hope that every time is an improvement. Isn't the goal always to be working towards something real and concrete? This feels like that. This feels like something has taken root that can grow big and strong and healthy. It's honest and it's real. And yea I can't shut up about it. And my group of friends, consisting of less than a handful of people, annoying as I've been, are genuinely happy for me, are excited for me. The pieces are falling into place, and they fit so much better than any pieces ever have.
We've both been searching for our person. Our person that we can trust and confide in fully. Our person who will accept unconditionally. Our person who will always be there and will always have your back. The person who just wants to be by your side, no holes barred, no ulterior motives, no expectations, no backing down. And our search might be coming to a close. I can feel progress in that hunt accumulating at a breakneck pace, daily, hourly, even by the minute sometimes. There's an accumulation of moments that are adding up quickly.
I'm all in at this point. I've given up any pretense of self protection. I don't want the distraction. I want to see this through. I want to be able to look at her and know she's with me, despite all of my flaws and weaknesses, she wants me, she wants me to want her. And I do, more than I've wanted anything I can remember.
I don't know if it's because I'm older, or wiser (yea right), or just ready. But what started off pretty conventional, has turned into something that feels bigger than I ever could have expected. We match on so many levels it's unreal. We're on the same page, same sentence, same word even. We are not the same person by any stretch, but two jigsaw pieces that fit together in just the right way. Such that as a whole you can't clearly see the seams.
We've talked about what we like, how we like to be with another person. And every time I imagine it, imagine her being that person, I just can't stop grinning like an idiot. What was in my head, I now feel in my chest. I want to hold her in my arms. I want to feel the weight of her as we lean on each other. I want to steal glances, have light touches, a kiss on the shoulder, a smile across the room, the hand reaching out to be held, snuggling closer for warmth, a head in the lap, adjusting blankets after she falls asleep so she's covered, the laugh at a clumsy move, the bad jokes, little fights about nothing, bad moods, late night conversations, being mad but falling asleep together anyway, sharing something that excites, being weird about a thing together, always having a plus one, holding her when she's sad, bringing home something she likes I found at the store, just being in the same room doing different things, double dates, playing love songs on my guitar, annoying the other person in an endearing way, running errands, building a home together, a life. What I'm describing is a life.
I've been playing my guitar again lately, the past few weeks. Something just inspired me. I've always associated big moments in my life with music. It's usually a song, or an album. I'm not unusual in this, it's a common thing. There's a song I've relearned that just came back to me in these moments. It talks about many of the same feelings I'm going through. It talks about hope and disbelief, in meeting someone that heals and completes after a lifetime of going through the motions, giving up, and resignation.
I would have wasted most of my life, never even knowing you. Now you sing to me, and I still don't believe that you want to waste your time with me.
But she does, want to waste her time with me. And it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.
Four days on from my last entry, which is some kind of recent record (it feels like I'm setting a record here every time I add to this anymore), there's been a fundamental shift. A surrender of sorts. An escalation of sorts.
I am not ready to put a name to it, or label it, or even examine it too hard. It's a fragile thing in a lot of ways, and I'm trying to nurture it. My cheeks hurt, and it's a good thing.
I know that every time is different. I always hope that every time is an improvement. Isn't the goal always to be working towards something real and concrete? This feels like that. This feels like something has taken root that can grow big and strong and healthy. It's honest and it's real. And yea I can't shut up about it. And my group of friends, consisting of less than a handful of people, annoying as I've been, are genuinely happy for me, are excited for me. The pieces are falling into place, and they fit so much better than any pieces ever have.
We've both been searching for our person. Our person that we can trust and confide in fully. Our person who will accept unconditionally. Our person who will always be there and will always have your back. The person who just wants to be by your side, no holes barred, no ulterior motives, no expectations, no backing down. And our search might be coming to a close. I can feel progress in that hunt accumulating at a breakneck pace, daily, hourly, even by the minute sometimes. There's an accumulation of moments that are adding up quickly.
I'm all in at this point. I've given up any pretense of self protection. I don't want the distraction. I want to see this through. I want to be able to look at her and know she's with me, despite all of my flaws and weaknesses, she wants me, she wants me to want her. And I do, more than I've wanted anything I can remember.
I don't know if it's because I'm older, or wiser (yea right), or just ready. But what started off pretty conventional, has turned into something that feels bigger than I ever could have expected. We match on so many levels it's unreal. We're on the same page, same sentence, same word even. We are not the same person by any stretch, but two jigsaw pieces that fit together in just the right way. Such that as a whole you can't clearly see the seams.
We've talked about what we like, how we like to be with another person. And every time I imagine it, imagine her being that person, I just can't stop grinning like an idiot. What was in my head, I now feel in my chest. I want to hold her in my arms. I want to feel the weight of her as we lean on each other. I want to steal glances, have light touches, a kiss on the shoulder, a smile across the room, the hand reaching out to be held, snuggling closer for warmth, a head in the lap, adjusting blankets after she falls asleep so she's covered, the laugh at a clumsy move, the bad jokes, little fights about nothing, bad moods, late night conversations, being mad but falling asleep together anyway, sharing something that excites, being weird about a thing together, always having a plus one, holding her when she's sad, bringing home something she likes I found at the store, just being in the same room doing different things, double dates, playing love songs on my guitar, annoying the other person in an endearing way, running errands, building a home together, a life. What I'm describing is a life.
I've been playing my guitar again lately, the past few weeks. Something just inspired me. I've always associated big moments in my life with music. It's usually a song, or an album. I'm not unusual in this, it's a common thing. There's a song I've relearned that just came back to me in these moments. It talks about many of the same feelings I'm going through. It talks about hope and disbelief, in meeting someone that heals and completes after a lifetime of going through the motions, giving up, and resignation.
I would have wasted most of my life, never even knowing you. Now you sing to me, and I still don't believe that you want to waste your time with me.
But she does, want to waste her time with me. And it's the best thing that's ever happened to me.