The Hat Trick
It's been a little while. Maybe I should make note of a few things. Speaking of things, not so awkward anymore. That's good, not really. Drifted back to the same state of equilibrium. Perpetual nothing. Perpetually lonely. I repeat things alot here. I've noticed that. So what, I guess it's my style. It's a way of underlining just how wistful I feel I guess. To emphasize the nature of the thoughts I'm trying to put down. Always running through my head, get it out to keep sanity.
Christmas is coming. That's obvious by the date on this post. But I can't understate what that means to me. It's COMING. Soon it'll be gone. Another one wasted. Alone and lonely, just reminiscing about when it wasn't that way. I don't like the family gatherings. I don't like knowing what she's doing. I don't really like that normally actually. It bothers me. It's not quite jealousy, maybe it is. Doesn't matter. Doesn't affect me. Ignore and override.
Every year is the same. Every year at this time it's the same. Same thoughts, same conversations, same feelings, same memories. You'd think they'd get old. But every year they feel raw again. It's indescribable. How did this happen? Why did this happen? Stupid questions, I know the answers. All of the answers, I figured that out years ago. Sometimes I manage to find some companionship. Sometimes I even manage to not feel so lonely. It's nice, until it isn't. I'll always want more. A very specific more. A more that feels further ever year that goes by. I'm losing time. On a day to day basis I don't think about that part. I just stay in motion. Or rather I stay ready? Always ready for something. But it never happens. It probably never will. But I don't honestly believe that.
I have a friend. I'm not sure she really considers herself that. I think she think she's taking advantage. That a friendship MUST be bidirectional. This simply isn't true. I don't mind though. Most of my friendships are like this. Actually all of them at this point. I just give. It's all I know how to do. The only time I ever received was with her. Not my friend, the other her, THE her. But I've always been like this, even before. It's how I won her to begin with probably. It doesn't bother me. It never has. I'll listen, I'll share, I'll accept, I wont judge...ever. It's not my thing. Or rather it just doesn't occur to me I guess. I just advise I guess. Maybe I'm decent at it? But anyway this friend. She's got a raw deal. I feel for her. I emphasize with alot of what she's got going on in her head. I hope she knows that. I don't think she fully understands the extent of it. Maybe one day she'll read this. We'll see. I don't know if she should or not yet. My concern is for her and our relationship, not my own privacy. My privacy is long gone here at this point anyway isn't it.
The similarities in our headspaces is striking sometimes. I feel for her. I know the thoughts, sane or crazy. I know the actions. I know the extreme lengths, I've been to them, I've failed at them, numerous times. I've been that frustrated. I continue to be that frustrated. I don't wish it on anyone. I'm capable of compartmentalizing to an extreme degree. It's not necessarily a good thing, sometimes it can be. It's the only way I'm still here either way. I don't break, though it'd be easier it just never happens. The closest I've ever come is when I almost lost her the first time.
Christmas is coming. That's obvious by the date on this post. But I can't understate what that means to me. It's COMING. Soon it'll be gone. Another one wasted. Alone and lonely, just reminiscing about when it wasn't that way. I don't like the family gatherings. I don't like knowing what she's doing. I don't really like that normally actually. It bothers me. It's not quite jealousy, maybe it is. Doesn't matter. Doesn't affect me. Ignore and override.
Every year is the same. Every year at this time it's the same. Same thoughts, same conversations, same feelings, same memories. You'd think they'd get old. But every year they feel raw again. It's indescribable. How did this happen? Why did this happen? Stupid questions, I know the answers. All of the answers, I figured that out years ago. Sometimes I manage to find some companionship. Sometimes I even manage to not feel so lonely. It's nice, until it isn't. I'll always want more. A very specific more. A more that feels further ever year that goes by. I'm losing time. On a day to day basis I don't think about that part. I just stay in motion. Or rather I stay ready? Always ready for something. But it never happens. It probably never will. But I don't honestly believe that.
I have a friend. I'm not sure she really considers herself that. I think she think she's taking advantage. That a friendship MUST be bidirectional. This simply isn't true. I don't mind though. Most of my friendships are like this. Actually all of them at this point. I just give. It's all I know how to do. The only time I ever received was with her. Not my friend, the other her, THE her. But I've always been like this, even before. It's how I won her to begin with probably. It doesn't bother me. It never has. I'll listen, I'll share, I'll accept, I wont judge...ever. It's not my thing. Or rather it just doesn't occur to me I guess. I just advise I guess. Maybe I'm decent at it? But anyway this friend. She's got a raw deal. I feel for her. I emphasize with alot of what she's got going on in her head. I hope she knows that. I don't think she fully understands the extent of it. Maybe one day she'll read this. We'll see. I don't know if she should or not yet. My concern is for her and our relationship, not my own privacy. My privacy is long gone here at this point anyway isn't it.
The similarities in our headspaces is striking sometimes. I feel for her. I know the thoughts, sane or crazy. I know the actions. I know the extreme lengths, I've been to them, I've failed at them, numerous times. I've been that frustrated. I continue to be that frustrated. I don't wish it on anyone. I'm capable of compartmentalizing to an extreme degree. It's not necessarily a good thing, sometimes it can be. It's the only way I'm still here either way. I don't break, though it'd be easier it just never happens. The closest I've ever come is when I almost lost her the first time.