21. Text
Issue #3
Buffy,
I have a problem with unwanted attention. From some people. It is annoying that they will not leave me alone, unfortunately I am in no position to kill them for it. They are dangerous. It could also be against the rules to try that and I am trying not to become a criminal here, or die or be eaten. So I must find another way.
They are persistent and not very pleasant to talk to, either. I think they need new hobbies that do not involve me.
How do I get rid of them?
Okay, so there's two ways to handle this kind of sitch, and it depends on your harassment variety.
If it's real, dangerous, no joke stalker stuff - the sexually obsessive kind of stalking that inevitably ends in murder - then it's "talk to the authorities" time. Maybe kick their ass. I'm sure there are people available who would be willing to kick the butt of someone who is doing the creeper thing. I'm not talking about murder, here, I'm talking about bruising in the nonenticing way. And let the police types know that this is an issue so that, if the creeper keeps creeping and then turns up dead in a ditch, they know why.
If it's the annoying hanger on type stuff, well... having been in the not-quite-stalky-but-has-elements situation in the past, I have to say, I'm feeling sympathy. Uh, repeating what I did... would probably notsomuch work for you. It involved... chains, and occasionally butterscotch. So, if we're going to operate on the "no dating your stalker" rule, maybe you could try suggesting several hobbies they could take up without your being there. Solitaire, for example. Or, in a pinch, playing chess with him- or herself.
...odds are, that's not going to work. Maybe find out what this person wants, and point them in the direction of something that involves getting that thing without talking to you.
* * *
Dear Buffy.
You write of love so sweetly: what of your own? Surely a woman such as yourself, with such knowledge of the perils and pitfalls of two who would become one, must have experienced knowledge in another sense. Or is it simply that you imagine another, to come to you and fulfill your every craving? Tell me, if a man were to woo you, where would he start? By groveling at your feet or boldly tasting the tongue which speaks such nonsensical beauty?
Spike? I thought you left.
* * *
Dear Bi Bet Brenda Beatr You
I have these two roommates who're good friends of mine. I think they're both socially retarded or something, though, because he really seems like he's got a thing for her, and she's fucking oblivious as hell. They've probably known each other for a few decades or something, but they're both kinda dense about shit. How do I push 'em together without literally pushing them together? I mean, he's not gonna fit in the closet with her, but since she's the only girl, I don't wanna make her have to live on the couch with him...
Anyway, how do you get two incredibly fucking dense people together without driving yourself crazy or having extended family breathing down all three of your necks and killing you?
Might be time for a love intervention.
Sit them down and be all, "I realize you two have the emotion IQ of a wombat - combined - but it's time to do some serious thinking on the subject of you. And you. And L-O-V-E."
Except don't say it like that, because it's cheesy. Then again, if they've known each other for a few decades then they're probably at least marginally old, in which case maybe they go for the cheese. Old people usually do.
So, okay, that's Suggestion Number One: LOVE INTERVENTION.
ANOTHER SUGGESTION? Have talk with them one at a time. This way neither of them gets all flaily and full of sputtery denials, or at least if they do, it's not in front of the other one. Because okay, picture this: You: LOVE INTERVENTION TIME.
Him: WHAT! THERE IS NO LOVE TO BE INTERVENED. (yes there is)
Her: (oh my heart, it is broken from this denial of my feelings!) Yeah, what's that about? Totally no love here.
That's what you call a disaster, so maybe if you talk to them one at a time, you can work through the flail in a place where the other doesn't see it and get all denyish. Then, by the time you lock them in a closet together, there will be a meeting of the, uh, minds instead of, you know, not.
Because seriously, being locked in a closest with a guy you like is really desirable, but only if you don't want to punch them.
So that's Suggestion Number Two: WORK IT OUT IN PRIVATE.
Finally there's Suggestion Number Three: Ignore it and try not to bang your head through a wall.
If the first two don't work, this is pretty much your last resort. If head-banging must occur, maybe get a helmet first.
* * *
And that's your periodic update on your own dysfunctions. By the by, people here and anonymity? Not an excellent match. Clearly.
Love,
Buffy
As always, questions can be dropped here. Also, if you have a heavy issue, maybe come in and do the big talk thing.