19. Text
Issue #2
Dear Buffy Sand,
I am a married man, but my wife is not in Anatole. In fact, she may never appear, because who knows the way of the Door's whimsies. It has been many months since I have seen her. Should I carry a torch until the end of my days or consider myself free to pursue, hee hee hee, other interests?
Sincerely,
Kaien Shiba
Okay, first of all, Buffy Sand? Where'd that come from? Second of all, wow, way to suck at anonymous, Kaien.
Third, and most importantly, let us consider this complicated question.
...
Yeah, move on with your life.
Now, don't take that to mean you should run out and seduce the nearest bachelorette like, tomorrow. I'm thinking more... in a few months, in a year, I mean, really give her the chance to come back or get here, or whatever it is she hasn't done or did. Because if you're talking "I haven't seen her in a few months! Should I now visit Dismas and pick up a cute profession?" then the answer is, Oh my God, stow the salami, you can handle a few months. But if you mean, should I be lonely and celibate until the end of my immortal days? That's just um, depressing.
I'm not trying to break the marital bond or anything but believe me when I say Pining Eternal is strictly in the no-fun land. And unless you're looking to go solo for the next fifty thousand years or more, you're going to need to do the move on thing eventually.
Key word here is eventually.
* * *
Dear Buffy,
How do you know when you are in a relationship with someone?
How do you leave a relationship with someone?
. . .
I hope these questions aren't too complicated, you seem to have an understanding of these matters.
Pretty sure you'd know if you were in a relationship. Assuming it had gone beyond the "wow, we shared roast beast! are we now dating or simply beast sharers?" stage. Has there been hand holding? Makeout sessions? Naked wrestling? Have you witnessed the advent of entertainment in each other's company? Do they introduce you as "my girlfriend/boyfriend/person of significant, [name here]?" Do people keep calling you a cute couple?
...that last one's not really on the list of definitives, but, you know, it's a good indicator.
Anyway, as for how you get out of one, just go right up to your ex-honey-to-be and say, "I know this is kind of a dbag move, but I think we should see other people." If you want to be really clear, you can follow that up with, "And not each other."
There's also the genteel method. You know, "I think we're growing apart and should explore other options." I'd suggest moving to another city, but you know. Circumstances!
Be clear! Be to the point! Be kind if you can.
...might want to ask if you're actually dating first, though.
* * *
Dear Buffy,
I have an older friend (really it's a friend) "Sally" that's got an older boyfriend "John".
What I'm saying is they're both old.
Older. Than me, I mean. So none of them are me.
Except the me that's sending this letter in, but that's a different point.
John doesn't like her friend (I'll call him Bob and he's also older than me, btw) at all, and that's just stupid.
Bob is sweet and funny and a supergenius and very very trustable, and not evil or sketchy and he's also really cute so what's not to like, right?
Whatever, John is dumb.
But anyway, John really, really REALLY has a thing about this and kind of wants me to keep Bob away from Sally.
Which is more dumb because there's nothing going on with Bob and Sally, and I kind of like Bob even though I'm pretty sure he only likes me like a friend, because he's too old for me and I'm not THIRTY FIVE yet, and how am I supposed to make sure Bob is safe and John and Sally work out?
Sally is the best. And I think John's really good for her. And she's really good for him, even though he's being like TWELVE.
Should I ask Bob out anyway, just to take him off John's "people I might set on fire" list?
I'm pretty sure Bob will say no, but I'm willing to try. Maybe it could be like an ...undercover thing? We could be like spies, and only pretend to be a thing?
Like: Operation Save Bob from Burnination.
Help me Buffy-wan Kenobi, I just don't even know.
Signed,
Potentially Completely Awkward
Dear PCA,
What? Okay, let's go over this in detail:
1. THIRTY FIVE.
2. Okay, wait, so you have old friends and they're dating and the guy doesn't like this other guy who's a friend of the girl but you like the guy but he's too old for you and the guy doesn't like the other guy because he thinks the guy is going to hit on the girl?
3. Clearly the answer is a battle to the not-so-death. No, I'm kidding. I'm gonna say this one's probably not your problem and maybe just slowly back away and definitely do not ask out any guys, especially old guys, until you are THIRTY FIVE. Old guys should stick to their age bracket.
So, right, anyway, tell John you don't want to get involved and if he tries to make you, your sister is going to punch him in the teeth, and then he'll be seriously lacking in the tooth department. And that's terrible.
* * *
And today's PSA: Get therapy. You clearly have deep insecurity issues and/or serious social problems. Yes, you too.
As always, questions can be dropped here. Also, if you have a heavy issue, maybe come in and do the big talk thing.
[ooc: Figured I'd get one in before the big event, since she can't write advice columns from a warfront, rofl]