[ 59 - text ]

[lonestray]

[Thanks to Lupin, he's getting a bit better at this typing thing, but it still takes a while to post the message. His thoughts are distracted, and it would be easier to speak them than write them out, but he prefers it nonetheless. For now, anyway.]

How does one regain a lost purpose

Comments

[video l private]

[lonestray]

[There's a...long stretch of hesitation before Scar allows video on his own end. It's the first there has been on the network since Mei's disappearance. There's a haunted look about him, and he seems tired, as if he hasn't properly slept in weeks.

Which he hasn't. An insomniac at the best of times, Scar has had to contend with all the fears, regrets, misgivings, and uncertainties that plague him whenever he closes his eyes, whenever he opens the door to his apartment and finds it empty.

It's too quiet, and that in itself makes the place too loud--the silence roars in his ears and he has no way to ease it, no noise to cut through the silence. And it's hit him recently, just how close to being alone once more he is.

The only two that stand between him and intractable despair are Hawkeye...and Lust. Scar never thought he would find himself in this position, and even as he attempts to square his shoulders to speak, there's uncertainty in his expressions; he is by no means ready for this. He's simply desperate enough not to care.]

[His voice rasps when he first tries to speak, although it's unclear whether it is from disuse, or something else entirely.]

We've a great deal of history. Whether it is our own, or that built on...others. [The younger versions of him, for instance. The human version of her. The Shadows.]

None of it has done either of us much good.

[Are you getting an idea of where he's trying to go with this, Lust? His increasing discomfort as he speaks might be a good clue.]

I...

...We could attempt to start over. Begin with a clean slate, as Anatole so often gives.

[He's started shaking, by now. Both his hand holding the Forge, and his voice, and Lust might notice that his words are, while distinctly reluctant are not spoken out of any sort of obligation, as is typical. They are genuine, as much as they frighten him. He only hopes he is making the correct decision, that it is not one that will cause him to lose the last reason he has for living in this place.

It's somewhat darkly amusing, he thinks. At one point...a year ago and maybe more, he would have considered this a relief. A freedom from the burden of pure-hearted people like Zack (like Naruto, like Angeal, like Lavi...) trying to mend the heart of a broken sinner like him.

Now, the very loneliness he once embraced is now his cage. Two years in this place have left him with a heart slightly ajar where it should have snapped shut at the first signs of pain.]

I don't know how to do this. But I'll try. [And I know you've wanted me to try for so, so long. Help me, I'm falling and need someone to catch me.]

[video l private--->action idk]

[sonvisage]

[It's a moment before she remembers to close her mouth. She knows that look - those frayed edges of exhaustion, all haunted shadows and pain, and the break in his voice is like a tether to something she can't name - doesn't want/wants - and the next thing she knows, she's already left her flat.]

I...

[Is that her voice? When did it get so small and faraway sounding?]

...I wouldn't say that...

[It might be true.]

...it hasn't all been terrible.

[She doesn't even balk at this - this irritating dance between yes and no, between sorrow and satisfaction, empathy (is that what this is?) and annoyance. She's just moving as if pulled by one of Anatole's ridiculous strings, but it's a familiar siren song. Unavoidable and possibly the worst idea in the history of bad ideas.

It doesn't feel like a bad idea though.

Not even when she's at his door and pressing a palm against the frame.]

Let me help you. I know a little something about this.

[This being what she's just started to do with Lupin, after months of bitterness, awkwardness and pain.]