[video] 013
If you die here, what happens? Do you go back to your own world or is that it? Do you just pop out of existence entirely?
[ Wait. She remembers being shown and told something horrible by Bellatrix. ]
Is death permanent here? Is there hope that the others could return? I'm going to miss Arthur.
[ Tonks draws back a bit. Her expression becomes ( Read more... )
[ Wait. She remembers being shown and told something horrible by Bellatrix. ]
Is death permanent here? Is there hope that the others could return? I'm going to miss Arthur.
[ Tonks draws back a bit. Her expression becomes ( Read more... )
I know it's the right thing to do. But please don't thank me.
…There's no way to lead up to it.
[again, forces himself not to wait for her to either stop him (won't happen), redirect (not fair), or spur him on (not her job: his).]
I know that Harry and Hermione and Ron and Ginny survived. You have the photograph. I know also from it that we won the war. So everyone who died… did so… in the cause they believed in… and helped to win it. We all made the better world we wanted.
But before us… that I know of…
[In his timeline he'd broken the news of Sirius to her, but never these others. He'd been there with her for them, they were hit with it together and did their best to get through it together… which was terrible enough. Maybe making this harder than it needs to be. His talk about being two further years older than her is suddenly very obvious: it looks like even more than that on his face.
This feels worse because it's his past and her future. They can't go through it together.]
I'm so sorry.
Dumbledore… Mad-Eye… and your father.
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I still have the photograph. I framed it. I didn't want anything to happen to it.
[ It's important, the photograph. She wants to keep it safe and within easy view.
Tonks always knew that she could die in the war. She doesn't want to die but not wanting to die is not enough to keep her from fighting. She knows why they fight. Tonks knows the reasons. It's more important than the photograph. It's so that the photograph can come to pass. Life and freedom must go on.
When she hears that Mad-Eye dies, that is bad enough. When Tonks learns that her Dad dies as well, it's like she's been hit in the stomach. She simotaneously flinches and doubles over somewhat at her waist. ]
Oh... oh...
[ It's going to take her a few moments to process this and what it means. ]
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but right now he's already put his arm around her and taken her hand and there's no thought about it.]
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She's not crying, not yet, but her breaths are coming in deep and fast. ]
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No more I'm sorrys. No last words he can think to recount to her, from any of them: the last he heard from Dumbledore and Moody were both about Harry. And from Ted…
The memory so hazy. To do with the child, no doubt. Of course.
Says quietly against her skin,]
We named our son after him. We named him Teddy.
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How do you forget something like that Remus? How do you forget proof that you're not really a monster?
[ She doesn't have words for what she's feeling. She has a child, a baby boy. Tonks has always wanted children, not now but eventually. After the war was over and she was a bit higher in the ranks, one or two would've been nice. That had been the future that she imagined for herself.
It's alright that she dies. No, it's not alright but she can accept that.
It is harder to accept that she leaves a child an orphan. Tonks leaves her Mum alone, all alone. And then there is the vanished proof that Remus Lupin is not only capable of love but deserving of it too. ]
Thank Merlin I named him something simple.
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So unstoppered, the last sentence makes him laugh.]
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[ Tonks sniffs and then lifts her head. Something in her chest fractures at the sight of his face. She can see the tears. ]
Please don't cry Remus, please.
[ Her hand that was around him moves up to gently touch the side of his face. She leans in and kisses him. Though her kiss is on the lips, she demands nothing from him. Tonks means to comfort him. She then brushes his hair off of his face.
He had been there for her when she needed it. She can be there for him now. Tonks hasn't lived through her future yet and Teddy. Remus lived and died while, he knew Teddy. But now he doesn't even remember. That breaks Tonks' heart a little bit.
She pulls him closer to her. ]
I'm so sorry.
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No. Don't be ridiculous, that's not right, please not now.
Because he'd vowed to do better, vowed not only to tell her everything, but do so immediately: not wait for some later right time that would never come; the only right time was the instant he thought of it.
But how could this thought come right now… Why now did he suddenly think of…
Because I can't accept your intimacy or comfort, nor expect you to accept mine, until you know everything; until you have the full power of choice, all the information to choose. Oh, ow.
He didn't underestimate her-he hadn't been. He'd known she'd be able to work through it. He just hadn't been convinced she had to; hadn't been convinced it wasn't selfishness, his own desire for her comfort-her company in his version of reality. (That's love isn't it.) Had been looking for a way not to feel cruel in inflicting this version of events upon her if it wasn't necessarily hers. They were hers now, that ship had sailed… and it hadn't occurred to him that maybe some of these things were more painful to him, she might bear better. …Or, maybe he had underestimated… if so it was because of his weakness, not a suspicion of hers. (There's no difference, stop stalling, shut up.)
He couldn't bear if she withdrew again right now. Even if she didn't-she well might not, she was infinitely surprising (how can you be so forgiving?) but he had to accept the possibility and that alone was…
She might not even care. How vain. Why should she even care?
She'll care.
She cares.
It was only right. Only fair. On both of them. He owed it to both of them.
Muffled in their embrace, he said,]
There's one more thing I have to tell you.
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Remus...?
[ Tonks holds tight to him. She's not going to let go. She does not let go even as he muffles into her neck that he has one more thing to tell her. Her eyes close for a moment.
A part of her knew something else had always loomed in the distance. There were signs.
She lets out a breath but she still doesn't let go. ]
What is it?
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I came to Anatole right after we died. I came through the Door, and was brought to the Outlander building, dead. I started to revive and Lestrange heard me over the forge. Her voice woke me.
[the most unhappy of laughs]
I blew up the building.
[Has already sat back; begins slowly removing his arms from around her]
I hadn't meant to. I was barely aware of it.
I went outside and attacked the first stranger I saw. But she caught me. Holding onto someone alive made me really wake up… woke me.
[pulls away from her then, though he can't bring himself to separate them entirely; his hands stay on hers]
I haven't been forced to turn into the wolf-or whatever worse thing I was in that moment-since then. But for a while…
I don't know what's worse: that I did this or that I did it for such unbelievably selfish… being alone with my thoughts was intolerable, all I intended was someone else in the room, not… we were both in love with other people. We made that very clear. I don't know how well we really understood it, but I never hid from her that I was still in love with you.
But before you came back, I was living with her for several months. Until you came back.
That's why I've been living at the Clinic. It's not just for my work. [as repulsive as they've always sounded in his mind, the words are even worse as he speaks them] I left her when you came through the Door.
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[ Of all the people to have woken him, why did it have to be Bellatrix Lestrange? Tonks stiffens at the mention of her name. It does nothing but cement her desire to murder the woman. She's already told one person her intentions. ]
It was not your fault Remus. You did not have the conscious desire to hurt anyone. You weren't....
[ She doesn't like what the words imply but they feel true anyway. ]
You weren't in your right mind.
[ And he hadn't been. Death and the Door had changed him. Tonks squeezes his hands and continue to listen. ]
Oh.
[ She doesn't let go of his hands but she sits up a bit straighter. ]
I see.
[ This explains so much. This explains why Lust had known her name and why she acted so strange. If Lust had grown to known Remus, grown to like him even, it would also explain why Remus had made the other woman promise to not go after Bellatrix alone.
She is not going to judge Remus for finding a bit of comfort in Anatole. If things had played out different, Tonks can see herself being happy for Remus. He deserves to be loved.
On the other hand, no one deserves to be abandoned. ]
Oh, Remus, how can you be so smart and still so stupid?
[ Her tone is not unkind. It almost verges on teasing. ]
It's not a bad thing that you found someone who helped you go on and get on your feet. I'm not going to hold it against you that you found someone comforting. But you shouldn't just walk out on people Remus. That's not right.
[ She smiles sadly. ]
You owe it to both yourself and her to make it right. I don't know how you can do it but you should try.
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I imagined you telling me exactly that… giving me permission…
[he hasn't let go of her hands. Even though it's hard to look up and he shakes his head]
I'm trying right now.
[What always flies through his head: Leaving her wasn't deliberate. Wasn't voluntary. I didn't leave her for you. In that moment I saw what I'd been running from and I couldn't be with anybody until I could be alone with myself. I'm sorry she got the brunt of it. I'm sorry you got a taste of it as well. But he never says it because if it's true, it's not to be used as an excuse.]
She and I have spoken several times since then. I've offered to do anything, tried to figure out how to do anything to make it right. But it seemed like the right thing, after a while, to give her space. Not to pressure her to be all right if I couldn't aid it. If we're to meet again as friends, it can't be while the old arrangement is still hovering on the edges… I don't know. I'd welcome someone telling me how to do it better. After a while all I could offer was to leave her alone, and she seemed to want it so, and I've been waiting ever since for her to talk to me again.
[looks back at Tonks, his smile rueful and grateful and adoring and sheepish and drained and a little wholer all in one.]
Of course, I was trying that with you as well. Perhaps failing to stay away isn't the worst idea.
[shaking his head in an entirely different way, one of his hands finally releases hers, to reach up and cup her face]
How can you be so…
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You've given me space Remus and I've gotten so much better for it.
You may be right. Failing to stay away could be good for you and her. She has to know that you're trying and willing. Whatever happens, you have to try. Let the quaffle be in her possession. I don't know what else to say.
[ Tonks turns her head and kisses his palm before her free hand comes to rest over his. ]
You deserve to be whole Remus.
[ And so does she, both of them. ]
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It's always so much worse in your own mind, the eternal inner voice that chose to sound like Sirius, knowing he'd listen more to that than his own. You think it's unforgivable, it's impossible, it's monstrous. You know what the rest of us say? "Is that all?"
He's smiling, eyes closed, as he says,]
I'll talk to her again, if she's willing. And I'll do my best not to say all the wrong words.
I'd like to introduce you both sometime. I wanted to a while ago, at that party… I'm afraid we didn't get to it.
[He leans back and opens his eyes to look at her. On impulse he kisses her cheek.]
I can't think of anything else you don't know. If I do, I won't hesitate.
[ooc: I've decided he can't remember leaving her during DH. It's not just 'cause it's awkward; it's 'cause I can't think of how to make it make sense that he remembers, since it's so intensely about their child. I suppose since Teddy hasn't been born yet... He may eventually remember enough of it to extrapolate the rest, but for now it's so hazy, I honestly don't think it'll enter his mind.]
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[ Tonks closes her eyes too. She is content for the moment to rest with their foreheads touching. ]
You don't have to promise to try to not say all the wrong words. You just have to be honest. The words will come on their own.
[ They may be the wrong words. They might not be though! He just has to try for the three of their's sake.
Her eyes close again at the mention of the party. She turns her head away. For a moment she can feel her heart quicken. Tonks lets out a deep breath and then another. ]
The party was very long ago Remus.
[ She's not breaking but she is trying hard to not panic at the memory. The party was not that long ago. It had started off so well but ended horribly.
Tonks squeezes his hands. It's not a panic attack. It's not a relapse. It's just a moment. ]
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