[video] 013
If you die here, what happens? Do you go back to your own world or is that it? Do you just pop out of existence entirely?
[ Wait. She remembers being shown and told something horrible by Bellatrix. ]
Is death permanent here? Is there hope that the others could return? I'm going to miss Arthur.
[ Tonks draws back a bit. Her expression becomes ( Read more... )
[ Wait. She remembers being shown and told something horrible by Bellatrix. ]
Is death permanent here? Is there hope that the others could return? I'm going to miss Arthur.
[ Tonks draws back a bit. Her expression becomes ( Read more... )
None of this, really. We'll get to the larger death count… the ones you don't suspect…]
Long before us. …It feels long. Two years before. Voldemort laid a trap for Harry at the Ministry. Five of his friends were caught in it as well. The Order went to help them. There were Death Eaters. We all fought. Bellatrix killed Sirius.
[As if anticipating what Tonks has not told him-like it's a warning,]
As she'd later kill you.
[No, it's because he's wanted to kill Lestrange over these things; many times over. But this is the conversation we're having: death is impermanent. She's defeated us before. Do you see why it's not so easy to decide to fight her… do you forgive me for not having killed her already…?]
A lot of people die too… [he stops before calling her "Dora".
And since he's raised it-since he thought it-he keeps up his end and doesn't wait for her to ask.
Even though this is the next one to dread-
-No. I'm sorry, no. There are ways to do this, whether it's happened for you or not.]
…I know I started. But should I really do this over a forge?
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Tonks lets out a deep breath that she had been holding in. It's a sign that she's gotten better, recovered more, that she isn't completely crying right now. She knows that Bellatrix murders her. She knows that Remus dies. A son though, is still new.
She almost comes close to asking him who else dies. He's right. Over a forge is not the way to do this. ]
No, we shouldn't.
[ She knows of a place. It's nearby too. ]
You know the fountain in the Clinic? There's a bench, we can talk there.
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Tonks' dress isn't rose today. She's hit it with a color-changing charm and now it's an amalgamation of lavender and steel blue. It suits her mood. She's a brunette but there are just enough red highlights and undertones that it's not a mousy shade of brown. She has her morphing abilities back but often she just doesn't bother. Every now and then her hair shifts on its own, a reflection of her mood.
All that she has left to do now is wait. Tonks is sure that it won't be long. ]
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give orders that no one is to enter the courtyard?
cast Repello Muggletum - double function finally test effect on Scorched
simply spread the word
no, no courtyard is valuable to long-terms, not just place to recover but a goal, a destination, a reason to get out of bed and get to the level where they can go out to the fountain
spells sometimes take hold or have aftereffects, won't risk it
isn't spreading the word only a form of advertising, could have opposite effect
public clinic, everyone has the right to be anywhere. No special privileges just because I try to help
-on anything and everything except the conversation he's about to have.
Because as much as he dreaded other information… ships sailed, most, unknown reactions others; this will be a reaction he knows, and it's always initially the fault of the person breaking the news, and he does not want to do-
that to her. Stop thinking those words. Ever.
Shut up Sirius! Not letting them dictate, now, am I?
And on and on until he was at the fountain without entirely noticing. The place is deserted. Seeing them will probably dissuade others from approaching, simply because everyone who came to the fountain typically wanted solitude, and would try again. -Last stray thought. Seeing her brings his focus back at once.
He's quite certain his first thought should not be she looks so beautiful. Not yet back to her full vibrancy, not playful and irreverent and self-defining; but… with her pale face and subtle shifts in her hair, and long dress reflecting waterlight from the fountain, and grave but more contained, self-assured, stable look in her face than has been there for a while…
He doesn't except this from his new rule of If you think it, tell her, but he sounds a bit too miserable to befit a compliment as he sits on the bench:]
You look lovely.
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Being reduced to a teenager, hadn't been voluntary. It is awkward to remember. Had she been more of herself, she would've apologized and even laughed about it. There had been an adorable sweetness to that. As it is, Tonks feels her cheeks flush with the memory. Later, yes, there's always later.
When she finally catches sight of him, Tonks smiles. She doesn't mean to smile, that's not right for this occasion but it's not something she can help. ]
Thank you Remus.
[ When he sits down, Tonks shifts a bit. She turns in his direction so that it's easier for her to look at him and address him. Tonks is tempted to reach for his hand. Her hand in flexes but stops before actually reaching for him. ]
I'm glad you're finally telling me this Remus, thank you.
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I know it's the right thing to do. But please don't thank me.
…There's no way to lead up to it.
[again, forces himself not to wait for her to either stop him (won't happen), redirect (not fair), or spur him on (not her job: his).]
I know that Harry and Hermione and Ron and Ginny survived. You have the photograph. I know also from it that we won the war. So everyone who died… did so… in the cause they believed in… and helped to win it. We all made the better world we wanted.
But before us… that I know of…
[In his timeline he'd broken the news of Sirius to her, but never these others. He'd been there with her for them, they were hit with it together and did their best to get through it together… which was terrible enough. Maybe making this harder than it needs to be. His talk about being two further years older than her is suddenly very obvious: it looks like even more than that on his face.
This feels worse because it's his past and her future. They can't go through it together.]
I'm so sorry.
Dumbledore… Mad-Eye… and your father.
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I still have the photograph. I framed it. I didn't want anything to happen to it.
[ It's important, the photograph. She wants to keep it safe and within easy view.
Tonks always knew that she could die in the war. She doesn't want to die but not wanting to die is not enough to keep her from fighting. She knows why they fight. Tonks knows the reasons. It's more important than the photograph. It's so that the photograph can come to pass. Life and freedom must go on.
When she hears that Mad-Eye dies, that is bad enough. When Tonks learns that her Dad dies as well, it's like she's been hit in the stomach. She simotaneously flinches and doubles over somewhat at her waist. ]
Oh... oh...
[ It's going to take her a few moments to process this and what it means. ]
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but right now he's already put his arm around her and taken her hand and there's no thought about it.]
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She's not crying, not yet, but her breaths are coming in deep and fast. ]
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No more I'm sorrys. No last words he can think to recount to her, from any of them: the last he heard from Dumbledore and Moody were both about Harry. And from Ted…
The memory so hazy. To do with the child, no doubt. Of course.
Says quietly against her skin,]
We named our son after him. We named him Teddy.
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How do you forget something like that Remus? How do you forget proof that you're not really a monster?
[ She doesn't have words for what she's feeling. She has a child, a baby boy. Tonks has always wanted children, not now but eventually. After the war was over and she was a bit higher in the ranks, one or two would've been nice. That had been the future that she imagined for herself.
It's alright that she dies. No, it's not alright but she can accept that.
It is harder to accept that she leaves a child an orphan. Tonks leaves her Mum alone, all alone. And then there is the vanished proof that Remus Lupin is not only capable of love but deserving of it too. ]
Thank Merlin I named him something simple.
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So unstoppered, the last sentence makes him laugh.]
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[ Tonks sniffs and then lifts her head. Something in her chest fractures at the sight of his face. She can see the tears. ]
Please don't cry Remus, please.
[ Her hand that was around him moves up to gently touch the side of his face. She leans in and kisses him. Though her kiss is on the lips, she demands nothing from him. Tonks means to comfort him. She then brushes his hair off of his face.
He had been there for her when she needed it. She can be there for him now. Tonks hasn't lived through her future yet and Teddy. Remus lived and died while, he knew Teddy. But now he doesn't even remember. That breaks Tonks' heart a little bit.
She pulls him closer to her. ]
I'm so sorry.
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No. Don't be ridiculous, that's not right, please not now.
Because he'd vowed to do better, vowed not only to tell her everything, but do so immediately: not wait for some later right time that would never come; the only right time was the instant he thought of it.
But how could this thought come right now… Why now did he suddenly think of…
Because I can't accept your intimacy or comfort, nor expect you to accept mine, until you know everything; until you have the full power of choice, all the information to choose. Oh, ow.
He didn't underestimate her-he hadn't been. He'd known she'd be able to work through it. He just hadn't been convinced she had to; hadn't been convinced it wasn't selfishness, his own desire for her comfort-her company in his version of reality. (That's love isn't it.) Had been looking for a way not to feel cruel in inflicting this version of events upon her if it wasn't necessarily hers. They were hers now, that ship had sailed… and it hadn't occurred to him that maybe some of these things were more painful to him, she might bear better. …Or, maybe he had underestimated… if so it was because of his weakness, not a suspicion of hers. (There's no difference, stop stalling, shut up.)
He couldn't bear if she withdrew again right now. Even if she didn't-she well might not, she was infinitely surprising (how can you be so forgiving?) but he had to accept the possibility and that alone was…
She might not even care. How vain. Why should she even care?
She'll care.
She cares.
It was only right. Only fair. On both of them. He owed it to both of them.
Muffled in their embrace, he said,]
There's one more thing I have to tell you.
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Remus...?
[ Tonks holds tight to him. She's not going to let go. She does not let go even as he muffles into her neck that he has one more thing to tell her. Her eyes close for a moment.
A part of her knew something else had always loomed in the distance. There were signs.
She lets out a breath but she still doesn't let go. ]
What is it?
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I came to Anatole right after we died. I came through the Door, and was brought to the Outlander building, dead. I started to revive and Lestrange heard me over the forge. Her voice woke me.
[the most unhappy of laughs]
I blew up the building.
[Has already sat back; begins slowly removing his arms from around her]
I hadn't meant to. I was barely aware of it.
I went outside and attacked the first stranger I saw. But she caught me. Holding onto someone alive made me really wake up… woke me.
[pulls away from her then, though he can't bring himself to separate them entirely; his hands stay on hers]
I haven't been forced to turn into the wolf-or whatever worse thing I was in that moment-since then. But for a while…
I don't know what's worse: that I did this or that I did it for such unbelievably selfish… being alone with my thoughts was intolerable, all I intended was someone else in the room, not… we were both in love with other people. We made that very clear. I don't know how well we really understood it, but I never hid from her that I was still in love with you.
But before you came back, I was living with her for several months. Until you came back.
That's why I've been living at the Clinic. It's not just for my work. [as repulsive as they've always sounded in his mind, the words are even worse as he speaks them] I left her when you came through the Door.
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