so tell me when you're gonna let me in

[wotchesyou]

Who: Remus Lupin and Nymphadora Tonks
When: June 10th, before the masquerade.
Where: The dojo.
Format: Prose to start and then ???
What: Tonks meets up with Remus before the party.
Warnings: N/A

Comments

[lumenrelegandus]

His hand pauses on the wand with hers. For a moment they're both holding it. He looks away to pocket it and happens to look back just as she does.

He has a strangely closed expression-"what was wrong? You? Me? Scares me, not for myself…"-which was worse than getting upset would be. He'd looked away when she'd removed her wand, without shock or aversion, with a smile; and for a moment that person is gone. She's being so gentle, so generous, smart as well for her own sake, not to really ask, because then he'd have to answer. But unresponsiveness only compounds the not-a-question…

I want to tell you more. But I don't think it can be yet.

To his great relief she goes with the subject change. Relief that turns abruptly to electrification at her touch. How many times do you get a first touch with someone twice…? He doesn't tremble, doesn't move away or move toward; stays absolutely, perfectly still, as if she is a dragonfly that landed on him and he doesn't want her to lift away.

Managing to sound more or less normal, even cheery, he says, "Thanks. Guess I should go as a muggle more often."

[wotchesyou]

"Remus..." Tonks abruptly shakes her head and clears out her head. She shakes free of where she wants go, what she wants to ask.

It's alright.

She smiles and her fingers finally withdraw from him. Tonks wants to linger but she can't. She won't make things awkward. She has gone down that road before. "You should. Wizard robes can be a bit stuffy." Her statement comes out too fast. As though she's saying it to move as quickly from her thoughts onto something else and she is.

"Speaking of costumes, what d'you think of mine?" She takes a step backwards. "I thought about going as Queen Titania. She fell in love with a jackass. I've been attracted to jackasses in the past, not that you're..." Her eyes widen a bit. "Well, have you read A Midsummer's Night Dream?"

Tonks thinks she's been clever just then, "Anyway, I decided against Titania. It's just not me." For a moment, she looks so sad but she looks down, trying to hide her expression by reaching into her small bag. Tonks wishes that it was even if just for a little bit. She can't be something that she's not.

Why isn't that ever good enough?

There are somethings in which she just cannot compete with. She cannot compete with Romania and dragons. She can't best a Veela's charms. Tonks cannot overcome her own clumsiness to be something that she's not. She doesn't want to compete. Tonks wants to be liked for who she is and what she does.

Despite wanting to be appreciated for herself and knowing that it's not right for anything less, it doesn't take the sting away of not being good enough.

I wish...

"I went with Peaseblossom instead, one of Titania's fairy servants." She pulls out a miniature set of wings. "I bought these to go with my dress. D'you think it'd be too much?" She looks back up to him, the hint of sadness is gone. Her expression is mostly neutral.

Tonks has the set of wings resting in her open palm with it extended towards Remus. "D'you think you could help me attach them? I don't want them to be crooked."

[lumenrelegandus]

She'd given the opening. She'd said… The situation surely demanded he say something back. But his terror of pushing too far took hold. And the doubt, that he was hearing what he wanted instead of what she meant.

(SB: Really? How many ways can you interpret-?)
(JP: Y'know what, she's still her, but he's also still him. Give it a moment.)
(LE: You're aware how strange it is to carry around this peanut gallery.)
(SB: When these two start their tripping-all-over-each-other dance, I always know about it.)

"I think you look amazing," he said-one of those Remus moments where he says something millions of people have devalued by saying billions of times, and somehow he makes it mean what it was supposed to again. "And it's a masquerade, so is 'too much' possible?"

He steps forward to take the wings, waits until they've been resized to her liking, and circles behind her to look for how they attach.

Whether it's focusing on that that loosens his tongue a bit, or the slight refuge of not having her be able to look at him, or the look in her eyes that she hadn't quite been able to hide from him, he answers, "Yes, I've read it. 'How now, spirit, whither wander you…' I'm glad you chose Peaseblossom. I always liked her better. You're not Titania, because you're not defined by… who you're attracted to."

He'd bowed his head nearly to the back of hers to finish the fastenings, and for a moment paused there.

[wotchesyou]

Tonks blushes. One of the things she admires about Remus is that when he says something, he means it. She doesn't need compliments. Her vanity and ego aren't easily bruised when it comes to her appearances.

"Thank you Remus. That means something, coming from you." What else could she have said? I appreciate that. Well, she does appreciate it. To just leavee the comment plain hadn't felt right either so Tonks went with her instincts, to say the first thing that pops into her mind.

Because it does mean something.

When Remus takes the wings from her, Tonks reaches up and pulls her teal, magenta and cobalt blue colored hair over her shoulder to expose her backside. The back of her dress isn't overly low nor is it particular high. Some of her skin is exposed, from a few inches below her shoulder blades to the back of her neck.

"It was more fantastic than some of his other plays." She could interpret his words so many ways. Remus likes Peaseblossom. He's glad that she picked this costume. On the other hand, you're not defined by who you're attracted to, could be damning. It is a good thing that he cannot see her face. "Puck always reminded me slightly of a few Gryffindors I've known." Maybe he is trying to let her down without telling her the actual words. But weren't there other signs, other comments and looks?

His fingers brush against her skin as he attempted to finish the fastenings of her wings. Tonks forces herself to breath. She goes still, not wanting it to end. Please don't let this end.

She can smell him. The smell of books and tea and other things that she likes lingers around him. Tonks can feel his body heat. His hands... They were only attaching the wings, nothing more but she likes it. God help her, she likes it and likes it too much.

Tonks can pretend for a moment that she is good enough.

Once the moment is over, they'll go back to being mates, friends and nothing else. It's not the first time she's been rejected. For reasons that she cannot understand, it does hurt the worst. If Remus wasn't so kind, wasn't so considerate, this would be easier but he is and so it's not.

Why can't you look at me? Just look at me like I'm something more than a klutzy girl, and friend or your best friend's cousin. Please, just once.

Tonks finally expels a breath. Her hand again comes to rest on her stomach. Once again, it is a very good thing for Tonks that Remus cannot see her face.

[lumenrelegandus]

He's been standing still, eyes closed into her hair, for a moment too long. With a will he stands back. En route he notices one of the garters for the wings is twisted around. His fingers brush up her shoulder blade as he untwists it.

Either the feel of her skin is making his hands shake, or she's shaking.

His hand pulls away.

-he wanted to tell her something, but the issue is not to tell her everything. Nor, with or without details, in emotion/expectation, to jump ahead.

Protecting her from himself again… only he's not. It's not just for her sake. He betrays if he slips into behaving like this is a continuation of what they had before. …Because she never had it. It would be unrealistic, overburdening; cruel to do that to her and suicidal to do it to himself. If they have a hope this time around, it has to be this time around, each as they are now, solely, independent of…

But you're lying and equally dooming if you hold back everything.

Tentatively, very lightly, he puts his hand on her bare shoulder.

"Thank you for inviting me to this," he says quietly.

If she turned around, if he could see her eyes…

[wotchesyou]

Without thinking about it, Tonks reaches up and pats the hand that is on her shoulder. When her hand comes back down, it rests on his. Her pinky and thumb curl slightly around his hand. It's a loose embrace.

"You don't have to thank me Remus." She pats his hand once more before turning around.

No one could ever say that Tonks is a selfish person. She doesn't want him to be awkward neither in feelings or how he acts around her. It's not fair to him to expect anything. There is a smile on her face. However, she can't hide all of it. She is too in touch with her emotions and is so used to wearing her heart on her sleeve.

There are signs, if you know her. Her smile doesn't quite reach her eyes. Her eyes glisten as though she had already spent a single tear. She has.

"Like I said earlier, you deserve a bit of frivolity." Suddenly, her lips form a very thin line. "If you could.." She bites her bottom lip after her voice nearly cracks, "save me a dance, that'd be lovely. I'll try very hard not to step on your toes."

[lumenrelegandus]

And though it's the absolute least he could imaginably say, she has given him the place to start.

He meets her too-bright eyes

( shattering the world into three dimensions)

and his for a moment are totally unfiltered; enveloping her with admiration and affection and having been badly missed,

and he says mildly, "I'm not especially interested in dancing with anyone else."

[wotchesyou]

"Remus..."

This is stupid. She's a grown woman. She's a Ministry trained Auror. No, not only a Ministry trained Auror, Mad-Eye himself is her mentor. She faces down Death Eaters. She battles the Dark Arts. This should not be hard for her. It should be easy, just come right out and say it.

She opens her mouth to say something. She can't, not yet. Tonks isn't that brave enough to chance losing him as a friend. Everything would change after she made that simple admission, Remus J. Lupin, I fancy you.

"You don't?" Does he mean dancing in general or does she dare to hope that he means something else? "Why not?"

Please tell me something good or at least not awful.

[OOC - This comment was written under the influence of NyQuil. I'm so sorry.]

[lumenrelegandus]

Because, my love and life, I'm crazy about you, in any world, at any moment in time, whether you remember or have accepted anything about me or not, and in someone else's bed after you and I were dead I never stopped loving you, and the moment you came back I left everything else never expecting for a second that it would mean I'd ever see you look at me again the way you are right now

"Because," he said slowly, "the only reason I'd want to dance at all would be to dance with you. …Can we… drop the 'you should go even if not with me' thing and… can I interest you in joining me at the Masquerade as… can I offer myself as your escort?"

[OOC - what on earth for?? :D ]

[wotchesyou]

"I'd like to drop it very much Remus." She begins quietly, before the flood gates open. "You see, I think I might like you." The gates are open, it's going to be impossible for her to stop until she's done.

"I'm not saying that I'm madly in love with you but I wouldn't mind being given the opportunity." She smiles, it's a bit on the silly side. "It's just you are the kindest, most considerate and thoughtful..." Tonks lets out a breath. She could go on at length about his positive attributes but she stops herself from going that route. Tonks isn't able to stop about everything else, however.

"I know how it goes if feelings are unrequited. Things can get awkward. I'd never want to lose your friendship Remus, ever. I saw you with Shirley that one day and I thought that I wasn't your type. I thought I wasn't good enough. Your Patronus charm, that first day, looked like Padfoot. How could I hope to compete with that? I'm not graceful or elegant. I'm just me."

Tonks tilts her head to the side a bit. Her eyes are directed towards the floor but not exactly in a downcast manner. "I thought if I could get you to go I might at least get one dance. I could pretend and have a moment. It'd be enough and I could let go of that fantasy. Then I could keep my own feelings to myself and in a little while, I'd get over it."

She's not holding anything back. However awkward and uncomfortable, everything she states is the truth.

"If you're saying what I think you're saying and if you're not..." Her voice trails off before she looks back up and meets his gaze. "I would love to go with you to the Masquerade with you Remus."

[OOC - Sudden onset of a cold. D: ]

[lumenrelegandus]

How to not say too little without saying entirely too much…? He can't open up entirely yet, because if he does he'll start talking as if she's his Dora, which simply is not the case; as if things have happened between them that haven't and they're further along than they are. But to say nothing after she's laid herself bare like that is dishonest and hurtful and the worst kind of unfair.

"D--Tonks," it sounds like a stammer rather than a consonant switch, "I… don't remember, exactly, where we were when last you saw me. But… you don't have to worry about being my type. It's taken me long enough not to base decisions on the certainty that I'm not yours. It's… perfect, if there can be an opportunity to leave that judgment to you."

You win, Sirius, what do I do?
Well, be rubbish and awkward. You're going to be anyway so might as well make it part of the plan.*

The sense of loss restruck at how this was not how it had gone-yet, objectively, emotionally, mutually, unmistakably, as far as the first stage had gone, an improvement.

He refrains from kissing her (cheek), but awkwardly smiles and offers her his hand. "I guess we should…?"

*[/heals you with a Doctor Who shoutout?]

[wotchesyou]

It's taken me long enough not to base decisions on the certainty that I'm not yours.

Is he saying what she thinks he's saying? The butterflies in her stomach flutter and fly. It's enough that it causes her breath to catch in her throat. She swallows and is finally able to let out that breath. Tonks doesn't want to rush anything.

She smiles and accepts his offered hand. "Yeah. We should."

[lumenrelegandus]

His smile deepens, and he gestures to lead the way outside past the lingering wards where they can disapparate.

On the way it strikes him belatedly to say, with badly suppressed amusement, "You thought Shirley and I…?"

[wotchesyou]

"Well," she began in a slightly bashful manner. "At first I thought, you and Sirius after seeing your first Patronus. Then I saw Shirley and you that one day and I just assumed."

[lumenrelegandus]

"I don't think Shirley's feet are planted enough in this world for her to have an interest like that," he said. "At least… not enough that it would be something I'd be comfortable with. But even if she were alive… no, not at all. We're business partners. I try to keep her rooted, and she…" A very wry smile. "Haunts me. Literally. I've got to move out of the Clinic one of these days. Try not having a bored ghost decide it's my job to divert her with storytelling at four in the morning."

They've nearly reached the perimeter of the wards, and he turns back to check their decay before looking at Tonks again.

"I swear I really did make my patronus look like Padfoot for you, your first day here, to be proof or reassurance or… but you're not the first to think-ever since school Sirius and I did get that a lot. So I can't really argue there." Another quick grin at her before preparing to disapparate. "Never happened, though, I promise."

[wotchesyou]

"You've got to move out of the clinic. I've got to find my own place too, rented rooms aren't that much fun." And she needs to find a place for Dende. "I think if I had a ghost waking me up at four in the morning, I'd be very cross with them. Probably because I wouldn't have gone to bed that much longer before."

Shirley's a ghost? The woman hadn't seemed like any ghost that Tonks had ever known. She supposes that with people being plucked from all different worlds and such that there's a great many things that are unknown to her, Shirley being one of them.

"I believe you Remus." She smiles. Even if something had happened, Tonks doesn't believe that it would matter, not now at any rate.