cry, rinse, repeat
In a weird way, I’m thankful for all the pessimism I’ve been swimming in regards to KAT-TUN’s inactivity for the past months. The constant worry and panic (which was valid so ha) kind of numbs me a little. Like I’ve fallen from a 3rd story building instead of a skyscraper, yaaaaaaay…..
The sinking feeling is still there in the pit of my stomach but after hours of digesting the news (and days of digesting the possibility since some of you saw it coming weeks ago), the frustration and anger has calmed down.
I’m not going to lie, I’m mad at Koki. I don’t necessarily blame him, but I hold him responsible for his own actions. A lot of people are enraged at the agency but honestly, if I was in their position, I would have done the same. I’m not saying that the agency’s policies don’t have any flaws but I think the “no freelancing side-jobs” is a basic and universal rule in a lot of companies and Koki has broken it more than once. And he was aware of the consequences.
I don’t for a second doubt that Koki loves KAT-TUN but… I don’t think being part of an idol group alone is enough for him. If it was, he’d have backed off from his freelancing gigs and abided the contract. There is no way he didn’t know he was breaking the rules and what that would entail. I don’t feel sorry for him because, granted, being a Japanese idol isn’t the easiest job around, but it’s far faaaaaaar from the worst. At least he doesn’t get treated like crap while working minimum wage like most people do.
My heart wrenches more for the fans and the four people left to pick up the pieces...
...and this was where the rage began brewing… until I read:
I have expressed my gratefulness to the other members for continuing to support me despite all the trouble I've caused them as well as my sincere apologies.
And the tears came. I love them. All five of them. Koki for apologising and understanding how his actions have affected them all (god, I love him so much for owning up to this) and the others for finding it in themselves to forgive-and support gdi I LOVE THIS GROUP IDEC.
[what the members have to say]
To everyone who has been supporting KAT-TUN.
Our fellow member, Tanaka Koki, has withdrawn from the group at this time. I am extremely sorry to have to bring you all shock and sorrow. As someone who has worked together with him for a long time, I myself have been shocked, confused, and sad, but I have resigned myself to accept this turn of events and continue activities as four in the future. Once I my feelings have settled down a bit, I hope to be able to talk about this further in front of you all. Please continue your unwavering support of KAT-TUN from hereafter as well. - Nakamaru Yuichi
I am truly sorry to have to make an announcement in this manner to everyone at this time. We have been fellow members in the same group for over ten years, and we all shared these memories together. We spent a lot of time in particular on radio shows and for music together, so I myself have been unable to conceal my own shock and turmoil. However, as a part of KAT-TUN up until now and from hereafter, all of us members believe that we should continue our activities to deserve your love. Please continue your unwavering support for us! We'll do our best in response! Please treat us well. - Taguchi Junnosuke
To all our fans,
I offer my deepest apologies for the turmoil and worry that we are causing you due to Tanaka Koki's withdrawal from the group at this time. It is very regretful that things have turned out like this despite being friends who have worked together for over 10 years. Our conclusion from the last talk between the five of us was to draw the line and be optimistic; continue working as four and think earnestly about what we are able to do. I would be very happy if everyone can continue to offer your warm support to us four as well as Tanaka Koki. - Ueda Tatsuya
To all our fans,
I would like to take this chance to apologize for the way things have turned out and the different emotions we have caused due to this. I am truly sorry. As a fellow member, I am both filled with regret and frustration. We talked together as five at the end. We have decided to draw the line in our own way. Right now, we hope to accept this situation and face forward; we hope to seek out things that we can do while sharing the best with you all. I humbly request that you continue your support for us. - Kamenashi Kazuya
“I hope to be able to talk about this further in front of you all.”
“up until now and from hereafter, all of us members believe that we should continue our activities”
“I would be very happy if everyone can continue to offer your warm support to us four as well as Tanaka Koki.”
“We talked together as five in the end.”
This group. These boys.
Koki’s actions were stupid but they all have made the best of it, the best that they possibly could. I don’t know why Koki chose now of all times to break away but since it seems inevitable (given that Koki isn’t willing to stop with his side gigs which he knows is a bye-bye ticket), a part of me kind of wishes he had left when Jin left, just so we and the boys wouldn’t have to deal with this twice.
But then I think of everything Koki has given us in the past 2+ yrs and there is no way in hell I would want that taken away. I don’t care if we have to go through this again because we got Koki for longer. I feel so bad for the boys but they seem to realise this too. Koki was worth it. Is worth it.
I just. I want to launch a solid punch at him and then give him a fierce hug. And never let go.
I want to tell him thank you through freakin’ misty-eyed tears, shit for sticking around and for never once letting it show that KAT-TUN isn’t where he wanted to be, for treating the members like family, loving them, laughing with them, and bullying them with flying kicks. I want to tell him thank you for always treating his fans with love and kindness and never allowing whatever dissatisfaction he was experiencing in his job translate into bitterness towards us.
Because of that I can let him go with a wobbly smile and all the warmth in my heart.
I don’t know how many of you know this, but Koki was reason I became a KAT-TUN fan. Kame grabbed my attention and directed it towards the group but Koki is the one who kept it there. This buzz-cut gangster-wannabe who was loud and funny and easy going enough to make himself the butt of jokes and was both figuratively and literally bright in his neon t-shirts and gaudy chains was why I stuck around. Koki is energy, crazy and captivating and KAT-TUN won’t be the same without him.
Who will flirt with the fans in mushy jweb essays? Who will add the rap flavour in the songs? Who will give us crazy solos? Who will repeatedly tell us just how much he loves making PVs? Who will gush about his pets? Who will tame Kame when he gets in rampage-mode? Heck, who will tame KAT-TUN when they decide to act like five year olds? Who will make jokes to diffuse awkward moments and make everything infinitely less awkward? Who will make derpy, obnoxious faces during performances and call us hyphens during concerts?
There’s no way Koki’s exuberance won’t be missed.
But I think both of them will make it. Tanaka Koki, the talent, and Johnny’s KAT-TUN.
I don’t know why, but I’m strangely optimistic about this (maybe because the boys know what they’re doing and since 5nin isn't going to happen, I'll cling to what we get). Koki will be around, definitely 8|b, and KAT-TUN… I think people are underestimating them yet again. They’re picking up speed with their solo projects and they’re growing stronger through them; when they return to us as a group of four, they’ll shine on. I have faith in them.
At the end of it, I will continue to support them both and the sadness I feel now stems more from everything that we’ll never get than a feeling of betrayed hurt.
NTT will never happen again. We might still get a ballad from Koki but there goes any hope of a KoKame rock duet. TaNaka will never have a comeback.
The five of them will never stand on the same stage together.
NeverXOver won’t be sung again.
…..
….. I lied.
It effing hurts.