The convenience store rant
Late Monday night I went to the office. I played hooky during the day because I just didn't feel like getting out of my bed and taking on the (cold) day on a Monday and nothing the hell was happening at work anyway, but then I got an attack of the guilts and decided to go in, damn my better nature. On the way there, I got to feeling a bit hungry and because nothing else was open, I decided to stop at the Shell station on the corner at Joh Avenue, which has an attached chain-ish convenience store called Dash In, and picked up a hot dog. I stop there often for the reasons that one stops at a convenience store. The people there are quite nice and friendly, and at least two of the women working there are very easy on the eyes, which is a nice pick-me-up in passing, so I don't have a problem with those actually working in the store...but apparently the higher-ups of this "Dash In" chain are morons, because their product packaging is just about the silliest I've ever encountered.
I had earlier purchased a 1 l bottle of water, mainly for the bottle so I could reuse it here at work. On its label is a coupon:
$1.00 OFF
Any Whole Pizza
Got 2 minutes?
Get a Pizza!
Hot, Fresh, and Baked in 2 minutes
Now stop right there. I don't want a pizza you can bake in two minutes. You can barely get the cheese melted in two minutes. The best pizzas are made in wood-burning brick ovens; they get to about umpty-diddly degrees, and you still can't do a pizza in one of them in two minutes. There are only three ways to bake a pizza in two minutes: 1) use a nuclear reactor, which, in consideration, I'm not entirely certain they don't have; 2) make a pizza with a micrometer, so it's the thickness of tinfoil with a spattering of cheese and sauce electroplated onto the top...which again, I'm not certain isn't the case, or 3) make it ahead of time and warm it up, which fails the "hot, fresh, and baked" claim. I don't know which of these it is, or even which is most likely, and I don't want to know.
Not to be outdone, the box the hot dog came in read, in big, happy letters, "It's Fresh, or It's Free!" Now contemplate that a second. "Heck, it's okay - it's free! We're givin' 'em away! Here, have two!" No, you wretched cretin, I do not want that. I want something to actually eat, which is why I gave you money for it in the first place rather than keeping it in my pocket and starving. Granted, paying to end up with ptomaine poisoning is adding insult to injury...but getting ptomaine for free is not exactly what I'd call a large improvement. Now if I get inedible food from a convenience store, what I want, besides a new brain, is for you to get me one that is fresh, or I want to abuse you for being a useless tool. Thus, "It's Fresh, or We Get You One That Is" would be a decent guarantee, as would, "It's Fresh, or You Get to Beat Us Down With a Farm Implement".
I had earlier purchased a 1 l bottle of water, mainly for the bottle so I could reuse it here at work. On its label is a coupon:
$1.00 OFF
Any Whole Pizza
Got 2 minutes?
Get a Pizza!
Hot, Fresh, and Baked in 2 minutes
Now stop right there. I don't want a pizza you can bake in two minutes. You can barely get the cheese melted in two minutes. The best pizzas are made in wood-burning brick ovens; they get to about umpty-diddly degrees, and you still can't do a pizza in one of them in two minutes. There are only three ways to bake a pizza in two minutes: 1) use a nuclear reactor, which, in consideration, I'm not entirely certain they don't have; 2) make a pizza with a micrometer, so it's the thickness of tinfoil with a spattering of cheese and sauce electroplated onto the top...which again, I'm not certain isn't the case, or 3) make it ahead of time and warm it up, which fails the "hot, fresh, and baked" claim. I don't know which of these it is, or even which is most likely, and I don't want to know.
Not to be outdone, the box the hot dog came in read, in big, happy letters, "It's Fresh, or It's Free!" Now contemplate that a second. "Heck, it's okay - it's free! We're givin' 'em away! Here, have two!" No, you wretched cretin, I do not want that. I want something to actually eat, which is why I gave you money for it in the first place rather than keeping it in my pocket and starving. Granted, paying to end up with ptomaine poisoning is adding insult to injury...but getting ptomaine for free is not exactly what I'd call a large improvement. Now if I get inedible food from a convenience store, what I want, besides a new brain, is for you to get me one that is fresh, or I want to abuse you for being a useless tool. Thus, "It's Fresh, or We Get You One That Is" would be a decent guarantee, as would, "It's Fresh, or You Get to Beat Us Down With a Farm Implement".