(no subject)
I have been thinking a lot about where I fit in my family. Most days I feel like I don’t belong anywhere, like I’m an alien they found somewhere and took home.
When I went to college, my family changed. My parents split up and I’m not all woe is me about it, because we knew it was coming, but it was big for me for different reasons. My family was all in one spot and was able to grow apart together. They figured out where they fit in the unit while it was changing because they were all in it. I was away at school on my own. I thought that was great at the time because I didn’t have to be knee deep in everything, but looking back I’m not so sure.
I came back and everything was established. I didn’t know it at the time but I would feel like a visitor or an outsider from that point on. I still feel like that to this day. Like I’m a stranger. I don’t really feel anything but anxiety, and that’s something I would feel in any social situation I encounter. Shouldn’t my family feel different? Shouldn’t I feel more at home and less like someone intruding?
It should be so simple but it’s not.
I don’t really know what the point of putting all this out, honestly. I just have so much in my head right now and I’m feeling so tired all the time.