chapter one
All my life I’ve thought of myself to be so ahead of everyone around me, and, to an extent, I guess I was. Because of how things were, I was always more mature; more intelligent. But I was also so far behind in other aspects. I’m not even blaming anyone for this. Things were bad, parties were absent, but so what? Lots of people have problems. I’m through using my parents as an excuse for me being unhappy for so long.
The thing is: I’ve been so self-centered that I didn’t think that the rules applied to me. I thought that the world should conform to my liking; that the world should take up the slack for everything that was missing in my childhood. I thought that school should recognize me, call me better than everyone else, and let me go with doing nothing. I thought that Erin should be there, and know what’s going on with me when I was always so unwilling to tell her.
I know now that I should have been better.
I’ve spent the last few months away from everyone that I’ve held dear in the past, save a few. Lots of friends are gone. I’m almost completely alone in life. And it’s totally my fault. It was just me being selfish.
The amazing thing is: Those that are left are still willing to take chances on me; still willing to believe in me. They still think that I’m someone special, and they’re still waiting for me to shut up and fucking prove it.
Arrogance led me to atheism. And I stand by that. I truly believe that there is no God.
But things have changed. I do believe in a higher power. Now I believe in love.
So now I’m going to try.
And even if I fail, I’ll know, for the first time, that I actually gave it my best shot.
The thing is: I’ve been so self-centered that I didn’t think that the rules applied to me. I thought that the world should conform to my liking; that the world should take up the slack for everything that was missing in my childhood. I thought that school should recognize me, call me better than everyone else, and let me go with doing nothing. I thought that Erin should be there, and know what’s going on with me when I was always so unwilling to tell her.
I know now that I should have been better.
I’ve spent the last few months away from everyone that I’ve held dear in the past, save a few. Lots of friends are gone. I’m almost completely alone in life. And it’s totally my fault. It was just me being selfish.
The amazing thing is: Those that are left are still willing to take chances on me; still willing to believe in me. They still think that I’m someone special, and they’re still waiting for me to shut up and fucking prove it.
Arrogance led me to atheism. And I stand by that. I truly believe that there is no God.
But things have changed. I do believe in a higher power. Now I believe in love.
So now I’m going to try.
And even if I fail, I’ll know, for the first time, that I actually gave it my best shot.