United States of America: New Employee Orientation Handbook - Revised Draft 9/20/2008
From:
Mrs. Nan__ Pelo__
Office of Workforce Development
Peoples State of America
To:
Democratic Party Headquarters
ATTN: (Future) President Bar___ Ob___
461 Park Avenue South, New York NY 10016
9/20/2008
Mr. Ob___
What an eventful couple of weeks we have had! We here at the office are simply thrilled that the first few acquisitions seem to be going very smoothly! Who would have thought that we would be so close to achieving our goal only two years after first convening the High Council for Progressive Social Reform (hehe, high council...that gets me every time B!)
Moving on, myself, Mr. and Mrs. Clin___, Mr. Kenne__, Reverend Jack___ and Mr. XX have been hard at work on the New Employee Orientation Handbook, under the helpful guidance of Mr. Puti_, Mr. Ahmadinej__, Mr. K.J.I., and Mr. Jinta_ and the nice people from the Peoples Republic of China. We've also had the assistance of several advertising consultants from some of the recently acquired corporations, and I think you'll find that this draft of the handbook has a much, much more pleasant tone than the earlier drafts. Some of the terminology and nomenclature we've previously made a practice of using has been either scrapped or toned down.
As an aside, Mr. O, you may notice that some of the new terminology is not entirely....for lack of a less objective term..."accurate." With respect, sir, keep in mind that this handbook is to be read by the general public. We here at the office have always made an attempt to tailor the text of this handbook to the ignorant mind of the general public. (Plus, comrade, your recent speeches have been more effective than anyone could have anticipated; we've got them so scared right now, I think they'll believe just about anything! Your skills of oratory are simply unmatched!)
Attached is the revised introduction. For your convenience, comrade, I've marked the revisions and changes we've made since the last draft. We here at the office look forward to your input, and as always we appreciate your guidance and honor your wisdom.
Humbled in your presence..
Mrs. Nan__ Pelo__
Peoples State of America
"From each according to ability, to each according to need..."
ATTACHMENT 01
Peoples_State_Of_America_New_Employee_Handbook_Introduction_V.1.8993.doc
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
OFFICE OF CIVILIAN LABOR
LABORER INDOCTRINATION HANDBOOK
THE PEOPLES STATE OF AMERICA
OFFICE OF WORKFORCE DEVELOPMENT
NEW EMPLOYEE ORIENTATION HANDBOOK
Section 1: Introduction
Greetings, and congratulations! We are so glad that you have been forced to chosen to join the workforce of the United States Government Peoples State of America! We here in the Peoples Governing Body value and respect each and every indentured laborer civilian employee. We know that your career working for this nation Peoples State will be a fruitful one, and far more enjoyable than working for greedy private industry! (? maybe better not to remind them of private industry/ownership at all. please advise - N.P.)
The Peoples Governing Body has a progressive, and growing workforce. The recent addition of over 301 million men, women and children new employees to the workforce represents a more than 16,722% increase over the former roster of a meager 1.8 million employees....in just several weeks! As you can see, we are entirely and selflessly committed to CHANGE.
As a new indentured laborer employee of the Federal Government people (omitted paragraph explaining who "the people" are....will include once we come to consensus on that one - N.P.) you will find you are now a part of an innovative, dynamic and progressive workplace. We here in the Peoples Governing Body are staunch proponents of "outside the box thinking." Here are just a few examples of our progressive and innovative ideas:
1: Compensation: Your first observation may be our progressive employee compensation system. Our goal is to uphold the values summarized by our new national mantra: From each according to faculty, to each according to want From each according to ability, to each according to need. (Good call on this one Mr. O! - N.P.) We have scrapped the ancient and barbaric concept of hard work selfish acts and choices being the only path to prosperity and happiness. While the former regime was more concerned with allowing selfish and greedy persons to pursue their own wealth, we have progressed beyond these outdated ideas, and operate with the purpose of fulfilling your needs.
One of the first parts of the pre-employment process will be the Ability and Need testing battery: The Ability Test will help us get a general idea of your vocational aptitude, and how we can best use you make disposition of your abilities. Supplementing the results of the Ability Test, an extensive personal background investigation will summarize your prior personal and professional life. The results of both will determine your placement in the Peoples Workforce.
The Need Test will determine your level of compensation. This is a simple, two page exam comprised of subjective essay and open-response questions. Your completed test will be scored by a panel of five Need Adjucators, who will then place you in the innovative Need Scale. The Need Test is also supplemented by an extensive background investigation. Your score will be comprised of a combination of the results from both the test and the background investigation. Special Score-Bonuses will be awarded for some personal factors such as the following: 3 (three) or more illegitimate children, lack of education or work experience, diagnosis of MDD (Motivation Deficiency Disorder), any relation to persons living or dead who were once victims of slavery (note: any relation to persons living or dead who were once slave-owners will result in a 5-10 need-point penalty), qualification for "disenfranchised" status (based on factors such as race, sex, creed, sexual orientation, nationality or religious beliefs), former ownership of or employment by a failed business venture, addiction to recreational use of certain substances (including but not limited to: alcohol, barbiturates, methamphetamine, psychoactive drugs mind-enhancing substances, heroin, etc.), and more.
For the complete listing of Need Score Bonuses and qualifications, refer to pages 17 through 313 of your handbook.
2: Health Benefits: The Peoples Workforce offers a progressive health-benefits package to all employees. One of the features we encourage all employees to take advantage of is the Civilian Re-Education Employee Psychological Health program. The Psychological Health program is dedicated to the fast and methodical diagnosis and treatment of certain psychological conditions that may impede your ability to work for your Government fellow man. Employees experiencing such dangerous symptoms as personal satisfaction, pride, motivation, feelings of self-worth, etc. are encouraged to report to the combined Psychological Health and Anti-Individualism Learning centre (P.H.A.I.L.) for summary indoctrination re-education psychological treatment and rehabilitation.
Employees who do not respond immediately to treatment will be allotted a minimum twelve-week Psychological Health Vacation period, in which time they will attend an internment camp a number of psychological health seminars. The vacation period will continue until such time as the Psychological Health Board determines that employees have fully recovered from their psychological conditions.
3: Housing and Relocation: The Peoples Governing Body of the Peoples State of America wants your working experience to be as comfortable as possible. The Peoples Governing Body will provide you with housing, bedding, linens, running water, clothing, and all the amenities you need. Special considerations will be given based on employee's Need scores. The Peoples Governing Body discourages any attempts to acquire extra amenities by any undocumented means. Remember, the Peoples Governing Body is here to provide for you, and we know what's best for you!
4: Child Daycare: The Peoples Governing Body is glad to provide child-care for parents during both working and non-working hours. We want to be sure that our indentured laborers employees are not distracted by such trivial burdens as parenting and childcare. Our trained Child-Care Specialists will take excellent care of your children, and provide a comfortable and educational environment for your children to learn about such things as sexual orientation, cultural diversity, and national history (2008 - present.) Parents are allowed (limited) supervised visiting hours in between educational sessions.
Remember, it takes a village to raise a child!
These are just a few examples of the progressive an innovative concepts driving the new Peoples Workforce. Your New Employee Orientation Handbook contains all the information you will need to get started in your new and fruitful career.
Upon receiving your New Employee Orientation Handbook, you will have two (2) weeks to prepare for New Employee Orientation, which will be held at one of thirteen Peoples State of America Orientation Centers across the nation. If for some reason you are unable to attend New Employee Orientation, or you fail to communicate your receipt of the New Employee Orientation Handbook to your local Community Organizer (C.O.), don't worry, we'll come find you! we'll provide transportation!
God Bless America "From Each According to Ability, To Each According to Need."
(Let us know what you think! -N.P.)
Boy I can't wait to start my new job!
Mrs. Nan__ Pelo__
Office of Workforce Development
Peoples State of America
To:
Democratic Party Headquarters
ATTN: (Future) President Bar___ Ob___
461 Park Avenue South, New York NY 10016
9/20/2008
Mr. Ob___
What an eventful couple of weeks we have had! We here at the office are simply thrilled that the first few acquisitions seem to be going very smoothly! Who would have thought that we would be so close to achieving our goal only two years after first convening the High Council for Progressive Social Reform (hehe, high council...that gets me every time B!)
Moving on, myself, Mr. and Mrs. Clin___, Mr. Kenne__, Reverend Jack___ and Mr. XX have been hard at work on the New Employee Orientation Handbook, under the helpful guidance of Mr. Puti_, Mr. Ahmadinej__, Mr. K.J.I., and Mr. Jinta_ and the nice people from the Peoples Republic of China. We've also had the assistance of several advertising consultants from some of the recently acquired corporations, and I think you'll find that this draft of the handbook has a much, much more pleasant tone than the earlier drafts. Some of the terminology and nomenclature we've previously made a practice of using has been either scrapped or toned down.
As an aside, Mr. O, you may notice that some of the new terminology is not entirely....for lack of a less objective term..."accurate." With respect, sir, keep in mind that this handbook is to be read by the general public. We here at the office have always made an attempt to tailor the text of this handbook to the ignorant mind of the general public. (Plus, comrade, your recent speeches have been more effective than anyone could have anticipated; we've got them so scared right now, I think they'll believe just about anything! Your skills of oratory are simply unmatched!)
Attached is the revised introduction. For your convenience, comrade, I've marked the revisions and changes we've made since the last draft. We here at the office look forward to your input, and as always we appreciate your guidance and honor your wisdom.
Humbled in your presence..
Mrs. Nan__ Pelo__
Peoples State of America
"From each according to ability, to each according to need..."
ATTACHMENT 01
Peoples_State_Of_America_New_Employee_Handbook_Introduction_V.1.8993.doc
THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
OFFICE OF CIVILIAN LABOR
LABORER INDOCTRINATION HANDBOOK
THE PEOPLES STATE OF AMERICA
OFFICE OF WORKFORCE DEVELOPMENT
NEW EMPLOYEE ORIENTATION HANDBOOK
Section 1: Introduction
Greetings, and congratulations! We are so glad that you have been forced to chosen to join the workforce of the United States Government Peoples State of America! We here in the Peoples Governing Body value and respect each and every indentured laborer civilian employee. We know that your career working for this nation Peoples State will be a fruitful one, and far more enjoyable than working for greedy private industry! (? maybe better not to remind them of private industry/ownership at all. please advise - N.P.)
The Peoples Governing Body has a progressive, and growing workforce. The recent addition of over 301 million men, women and children new employees to the workforce represents a more than 16,722% increase over the former roster of a meager 1.8 million employees....in just several weeks! As you can see, we are entirely and selflessly committed to CHANGE.
As a new indentured laborer employee of the Federal Government people (omitted paragraph explaining who "the people" are....will include once we come to consensus on that one - N.P.) you will find you are now a part of an innovative, dynamic and progressive workplace. We here in the Peoples Governing Body are staunch proponents of "outside the box thinking." Here are just a few examples of our progressive and innovative ideas:
1: Compensation: Your first observation may be our progressive employee compensation system. Our goal is to uphold the values summarized by our new national mantra: From each according to faculty, to each according to want From each according to ability, to each according to need. (Good call on this one Mr. O! - N.P.) We have scrapped the ancient and barbaric concept of hard work selfish acts and choices being the only path to prosperity and happiness. While the former regime was more concerned with allowing selfish and greedy persons to pursue their own wealth, we have progressed beyond these outdated ideas, and operate with the purpose of fulfilling your needs.
One of the first parts of the pre-employment process will be the Ability and Need testing battery: The Ability Test will help us get a general idea of your vocational aptitude, and how we can best use you make disposition of your abilities. Supplementing the results of the Ability Test, an extensive personal background investigation will summarize your prior personal and professional life. The results of both will determine your placement in the Peoples Workforce.
The Need Test will determine your level of compensation. This is a simple, two page exam comprised of subjective essay and open-response questions. Your completed test will be scored by a panel of five Need Adjucators, who will then place you in the innovative Need Scale. The Need Test is also supplemented by an extensive background investigation. Your score will be comprised of a combination of the results from both the test and the background investigation. Special Score-Bonuses will be awarded for some personal factors such as the following: 3 (three) or more illegitimate children, lack of education or work experience, diagnosis of MDD (Motivation Deficiency Disorder), any relation to persons living or dead who were once victims of slavery (note: any relation to persons living or dead who were once slave-owners will result in a 5-10 need-point penalty), qualification for "disenfranchised" status (based on factors such as race, sex, creed, sexual orientation, nationality or religious beliefs), former ownership of or employment by a failed business venture, addiction to recreational use of certain substances (including but not limited to: alcohol, barbiturates, methamphetamine, psychoactive drugs mind-enhancing substances, heroin, etc.), and more.
For the complete listing of Need Score Bonuses and qualifications, refer to pages 17 through 313 of your handbook.
2: Health Benefits: The Peoples Workforce offers a progressive health-benefits package to all employees. One of the features we encourage all employees to take advantage of is the Civilian Re-Education Employee Psychological Health program. The Psychological Health program is dedicated to the fast and methodical diagnosis and treatment of certain psychological conditions that may impede your ability to work for your Government fellow man. Employees experiencing such dangerous symptoms as personal satisfaction, pride, motivation, feelings of self-worth, etc. are encouraged to report to the combined Psychological Health and Anti-Individualism Learning centre (P.H.A.I.L.) for summary indoctrination re-education psychological treatment and rehabilitation.
Employees who do not respond immediately to treatment will be allotted a minimum twelve-week Psychological Health Vacation period, in which time they will attend an internment camp a number of psychological health seminars. The vacation period will continue until such time as the Psychological Health Board determines that employees have fully recovered from their psychological conditions.
3: Housing and Relocation: The Peoples Governing Body of the Peoples State of America wants your working experience to be as comfortable as possible. The Peoples Governing Body will provide you with housing, bedding, linens, running water, clothing, and all the amenities you need. Special considerations will be given based on employee's Need scores. The Peoples Governing Body discourages any attempts to acquire extra amenities by any undocumented means. Remember, the Peoples Governing Body is here to provide for you, and we know what's best for you!
4: Child Daycare: The Peoples Governing Body is glad to provide child-care for parents during both working and non-working hours. We want to be sure that our indentured laborers employees are not distracted by such trivial burdens as parenting and childcare. Our trained Child-Care Specialists will take excellent care of your children, and provide a comfortable and educational environment for your children to learn about such things as sexual orientation, cultural diversity, and national history (2008 - present.) Parents are allowed (limited) supervised visiting hours in between educational sessions.
Remember, it takes a village to raise a child!
These are just a few examples of the progressive an innovative concepts driving the new Peoples Workforce. Your New Employee Orientation Handbook contains all the information you will need to get started in your new and fruitful career.
Upon receiving your New Employee Orientation Handbook, you will have two (2) weeks to prepare for New Employee Orientation, which will be held at one of thirteen Peoples State of America Orientation Centers across the nation. If for some reason you are unable to attend New Employee Orientation, or you fail to communicate your receipt of the New Employee Orientation Handbook to your local Community Organizer (C.O.), don't worry, we'll come find you! we'll provide transportation!
God Bless America "From Each According to Ability, To Each According to Need."
(Let us know what you think! -N.P.)
Boy I can't wait to start my new job!