The Truth Of The Matter.....
....so I haven't posted on here because of the plethora of things going on. Most of the stream-of-consciousness, 'OMG, this is some fucked up shit/Is Phil going to have to choke a bitch' stuff for Facebook. However, updating here is pertinent as I sit here in Miami after having a great few days, which culminating with the evening just passed.
The house shopping continues apace, to get that out of the way. I rather like what I have put a deal on, the hagling right now is how much of closing costs we can get them to pay.
No, the main thrust of this post, the truth of the matter, is something that I felt a need to say after tonight's festivities: You know what, guys of the world, I put a great deal of effort into making myself the best I can be, mentally, spiritually, and physically.
I am gratified and still somewhat shocked when groups of individual people take note of any of the above especially in a public setting. SO, it is with a great deal of frustration that I say that tonight was an example of the inexplicably capricious nature of sexual attraction, or at least the ways in which it's acted upon.
Tonight, a guy I met a year ago (who is my host), is making me sleep on the pullout bed in his place because he brought home someone who, honestly...isn't on the same level as me.
That's the part that honestly hard to say, because I KNOW how it sounds!!! I KNOW!!! There is a voice in my head GASPING IN HORROR at how full-of-myself that sounds on the face of it. BUT, hear me out...its based on the above...not on a sense of entitlement or belief that I am INNATELY better than other men. No, I believe I am better in measurable, peer-reviewable ways that I WORKED AT and continue to do so. Few know the constant critique running from right brain to left, from frontal lobe to cerebral cortex, but I just smile and thank them wholeheartedly for noticing.
Why the butthurt? Well, this guy was basically into me (my host) last spring and a good chunk of last summer. When I got here this past week, there seemed...a DISTANCE. I keep trying to figure out if I did or said something. I intend to ask when we have dinner tomorrow. BUT, the truth of the matter is that I have a hard time reconciling anything other than 'you said this, you did this' with what he just brought home and is in process of porking upstairs. I felt like a low-level rockstar tonight, to put it succinctly.
I was ogled, chatted up, felt up, joked with, and had the wonderful occurence of the dick-dancers feeling ME up and checking ME out. Weirdly, I still felt fat during the above. The point of the matter is this:
I am angry that he pursued these other, mediocre men when he has ME sleeping IN HIS HOUSE. Why? Well, this is the ugly TRUTH of the matter: I am angry because the man he brought home tonight was...well: Short, Squatty, slightly pear shaped for a slender guy, poorly dressed, and not apparently all that interesting. And I got all that just from a quick once-over out of the corner of my eye whilst being chatted up by a VERY attractive philippino in a V-neck.
How do you pass-up someone you KNOW and have been attracted to for some time who basically by any logical measure is someone many of the guys would light you on fire to get to for....just any old schlubb. I'm sorry, that's what he is.
I have theories as to why, which are usually the reasons why I can get numbers, get chatted up, get sex at will, but can't get a date: It's not that I'm concieted and bitchy...it's that I know I put in the work and pay the price for what you consider attractive and I demand respect for that.
That probably makes me sound bougie (as my mom said), or conceited. NO, goddamnit, it's just that sometimes I am TIRED of the juggling, tired of the WORK of WANTING...the tennis, the workouts, the writing, the reading, the office, the temple, the family...AND trying to be a non-asshole, compassionate human being. I WANT THAT FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGED..and sometimes its not enough to merely know that I KNOW it.
I hope I am more calm tomorrow when we talk about this, so that all of the above doesn't get spewed across the appetizer...LMAO.
UGH, and I can HEAR them, him SPEARING HIS WALLS OF MEDIOCRITY. Because GENIUS took his Bose Noise Cancelling headphones off. FUCK, I hate going to bed angry!
The house shopping continues apace, to get that out of the way. I rather like what I have put a deal on, the hagling right now is how much of closing costs we can get them to pay.
No, the main thrust of this post, the truth of the matter, is something that I felt a need to say after tonight's festivities: You know what, guys of the world, I put a great deal of effort into making myself the best I can be, mentally, spiritually, and physically.
I am gratified and still somewhat shocked when groups of individual people take note of any of the above especially in a public setting. SO, it is with a great deal of frustration that I say that tonight was an example of the inexplicably capricious nature of sexual attraction, or at least the ways in which it's acted upon.
Tonight, a guy I met a year ago (who is my host), is making me sleep on the pullout bed in his place because he brought home someone who, honestly...isn't on the same level as me.
That's the part that honestly hard to say, because I KNOW how it sounds!!! I KNOW!!! There is a voice in my head GASPING IN HORROR at how full-of-myself that sounds on the face of it. BUT, hear me out...its based on the above...not on a sense of entitlement or belief that I am INNATELY better than other men. No, I believe I am better in measurable, peer-reviewable ways that I WORKED AT and continue to do so. Few know the constant critique running from right brain to left, from frontal lobe to cerebral cortex, but I just smile and thank them wholeheartedly for noticing.
Why the butthurt? Well, this guy was basically into me (my host) last spring and a good chunk of last summer. When I got here this past week, there seemed...a DISTANCE. I keep trying to figure out if I did or said something. I intend to ask when we have dinner tomorrow. BUT, the truth of the matter is that I have a hard time reconciling anything other than 'you said this, you did this' with what he just brought home and is in process of porking upstairs. I felt like a low-level rockstar tonight, to put it succinctly.
I was ogled, chatted up, felt up, joked with, and had the wonderful occurence of the dick-dancers feeling ME up and checking ME out. Weirdly, I still felt fat during the above. The point of the matter is this:
I am angry that he pursued these other, mediocre men when he has ME sleeping IN HIS HOUSE. Why? Well, this is the ugly TRUTH of the matter: I am angry because the man he brought home tonight was...well: Short, Squatty, slightly pear shaped for a slender guy, poorly dressed, and not apparently all that interesting. And I got all that just from a quick once-over out of the corner of my eye whilst being chatted up by a VERY attractive philippino in a V-neck.
How do you pass-up someone you KNOW and have been attracted to for some time who basically by any logical measure is someone many of the guys would light you on fire to get to for....just any old schlubb. I'm sorry, that's what he is.
I have theories as to why, which are usually the reasons why I can get numbers, get chatted up, get sex at will, but can't get a date: It's not that I'm concieted and bitchy...it's that I know I put in the work and pay the price for what you consider attractive and I demand respect for that.
That probably makes me sound bougie (as my mom said), or conceited. NO, goddamnit, it's just that sometimes I am TIRED of the juggling, tired of the WORK of WANTING...the tennis, the workouts, the writing, the reading, the office, the temple, the family...AND trying to be a non-asshole, compassionate human being. I WANT THAT FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGED..and sometimes its not enough to merely know that I KNOW it.
I hope I am more calm tomorrow when we talk about this, so that all of the above doesn't get spewed across the appetizer...LMAO.
UGH, and I can HEAR them, him SPEARING HIS WALLS OF MEDIOCRITY. Because GENIUS took his Bose Noise Cancelling headphones off. FUCK, I hate going to bed angry!