Lunar Cycles, Chapter 2

[scilera]

Title: Welcome to My Life
Rating: PG-13 (language)
Ship: Remus/Sirius
Summary: Sirius fulfills a promise and remembers how it all began.
A/N: Thanks and much love go to my dear

amberlamp  for mucking through my disjointed thoughts even in your busy life. She's a beautiful beta.

Do you ever feel like breaking down? Sirius Black wondered to himself as he sat on the end of Remus Lupin’s bed, eyeing the torn and bruised body he’d once known very well. He leaned against the wall behind him, long, bony arms wrapped farther around his legs then they should have been able to be-he’d dropped more weight than he’d realized. He watched in contemplative silence as the man off to his right breathed the deep and even sleep of the utterly exhausted. It was dawn, and soon the sun would rise high enough to necessitate the closing of the thick and heavy drapes, but for now, it was pleasant enough to watch the soft light play along the contours of a beloved face.

Sirius knew that eventually someone would come to check on Remus, and that he had to be long gone by then. Sunrise had always brought Madame Pomfrey and that wouldn’t be for a while yet-a small mercy-and so the filthy, battered wizard was content to lay his head back against the cool stone wall and simply watch.

The trip to Hogwarts had been long and difficult. He’d had to leave a full three days before the train just to be there in time for the full moon. But he had made it, though he’d missed the actual change. By the time he’d arrived, there was only a large tawny wolf panting in the center of the room. Lightning-fast, Sirius had changed, making sure the door was bolted behind him. He’d then lowered himself for that token fight, his lips curled up, his muscles tense and ready and then-

A warm, flat and mobile tongue lapped at his snout. Utter surprise had him frozen to the spot, and it wasn’t until the jaws closed lightly along the bridge of his muzzle in canine greeting that he’d been shaken out of it. Confused but delighted at this turn of events, he’d simply wagged his tail, returning the greeting in kind.

It wasn’t until after they’d both changed back that Sirius had noticed the empty goblet on the desk. Wolfsbane, he thought to himself. Last he’d heard, it had been only in the experimental stages, but it was certainly possible things had changed. After all, his information was at least a month old. Hesitantly, Sirius reached over to the chest at the foot of the bed and grabbed Remus’ wand. Only someone with the wand bearer’s fullest trust could work it. So Sirius really wasn’t really surprised when the goblet didn’t move. Common sense would dictate that he just put the wand back where it came from.

Sirius being Sirius, he couldn’t resist a second try.

To his shock, the goblet moved.

Granted, the thing only shifted an inch or so, and try as he might, it wouldn’t work again, but it had moved. It had moved! As he turned sunken eyes on Remus’ unconscious face, a rather painful emotion welled up in his chest, causing him to lose focus, letting the wand fall to the bed beside him. It was a moment before he could suppress the feeling long enough to breathe and analyze it. After years of imprisonment in a place where one had to feel nothing to survive, this sudden rush of sentiment was a bit more than he was ready for. It was not altogether a very pleasant feeling, nor was it all bad. But what did it mean?

He must trust me, he mused. Somewhere, deep down-even if it’s the wolf-he still trusts me. This of course was a great help in identifying the emotion-hope-that made his stomach do funny little flip-flops in his gut. Well, that could be the fact that he hadn’t eaten in three days, but he wasn’t thinking about that at the moment. Remus trusted him. Merlin knew why, but he did. That thought alone was enough to put a goofy smile on his face-well; it would’ve been goofy on a healthier, cleaner Sirius. Right now it looked rather frightening. Not that anyone could see it.

Remus would be furious if he knew that his clean sheets were being dirtied. But he wouldn’t yell. He’d bite his lower lip and seethe in silence until he was alone, and then he’d very quietly clean the mess. Remus didn’t yell. Only three times in his life had Sirius heard him raise his voice. The first had been in second year, when Sirius had asked Remus about his condition. When the small, quiet little boy had been cornered by the taller Sirius, he’d yelled at him to mind his own business. Sirius had been so stunned that he’d made no move to stop Remus’ escape.

Oddly enough, when the three of them-James, Sirius and Peter-had confronted Remus, he’d been quiet and resigned. At least until they managed to convince him they didn’t care and he was still a Marauder and what kind of mates would they be if they dumped him for something so silly? Once Remus was sure they really didn’t mind, Sirius saw a genuine if hesitant smile appear in a face that didn’t seem to smile nearly enough. From there on out, Sirius decided to make it his personal mission to get Remus to smile like that. He was already rather good at it, and he could only get better.

So it was that until the spring term of his sixth year at Hogwarts, Sirius had done just that-surprised how much easier it had gotten. But somewhere over Christmas-the first one he spent at Hogwarts with James and Remus-he’d gotten his fur rubbed wrong. He never could remember what started it, though Remus insisted later that he’d begun behaving strangely after he’d stormed in on a study session Remus was having with a fifth year Ravenclaw boy in an alcove of the library.

He’d been furious.

Who wouldn’t have been? Sirius had made plans for the three of them to sneak down and ice skate on the frozen lake. When Remus hadn’t shown up, he’d been disturbed-Moony was never late-and went tearing through the castle searching for him. When he couldn’t locate him in any of their usual haunts, Sirius began to become scared; it was close to the full moon after all. Upon finding him holed up with some stranger, he’d been stunned enough for Remus-recognizing the signs of a Sirius about to explode-to get him out of the library before he’d started shouting. But once he had started, all hell broke loose. The Ravenclaw had wisely stayed inside the sanctuary, hidden behind a barricade of books, but Remus was not so lucky. Sirius railed at him for what must have been an hour, met only by stony silence. Eventually he’d paused long enough to demand Remus say something, at which point his dorm mate simply shrugged and said he’d lost track of the time and was sorry, could they please go now?

After that, it had become Sirius’ main goal to get under Remus’ skin. Why? He did not know. Maybe it was something in the water. Maybe it was his way of coping with the jealousy that he most certainly didn’t feel curl up in his gut when he saw the Ravenclaw leaning just a bit too close to Remus. Maybe he’d finally lost it. But for whatever reason, he wanted to see the Prefect lose his temper, and there was no better master of irritation than Sirius Black. He tried for months, using every trick in the book-and a good deal that were omitted from said book for reasons of safety and sanity. Still, Remus remained unruffled. If anything, he withdrew farther from his friends, spending more and more time buried in his books or in silent contemplation. Finally Sirius felt he had been pushed to the edge. He wanted to strike out at Remus in any way he could, and he could think of only one way that would hurt.

He sent Snape to the Whomping Willow.

Well, he’d asked for it. It seemed Snape wasn’t as dimwitted as the Marauders tended to think, because he had figured out the quickest, easiest way to get Sirius Black riled up; insult Remus Lupin. Never mind that Sirius was mad at Remus at that point-and likely vice-versa-Severus Snape should never have opened his mouth.

Sirius had been scowling something fierce as he stormed through the dungeons after yet another detention with Slughorn. He had just rounded the last corner when he collided with his least favorite Slytherin.

“Watch where you’re going!” he’d fairly roared, rounding on Snape.

“I’d say the same to you, only it’d be a waste of breath,” Snape said a bit too smugly as he rose and brushed off his robes.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Sirius’ eyes narrowed dangerously.

“Nothing of importance to you,” Snape replied coolly, leaning forward to gather some of his things. “Only that I’m not surprised. Running after that mangy little halfblood pet of yours?” A heartbeat later, Sirius had him by the neck of his robes, slamming him back against the stone wall.

“Remus is twice the wizard you’ll ever be Snivellus!” Sirius pushed him harder against the stone, his face twisted into a snarl.

The smile on Snape’s face only broadened. “Well, you are kinder than I’d given you credit for.”

This caught Sirius off guard. “What?”

Confident he’d caught the other boy’s attention, Snape merely shrugged. “Well, if it’d been the object of my perverted lust sneaking off with someone else, I certainly wouldn’t be complimenting him.” This earned Snape a roar of rage and a sore backside as Sirius hurled him off to one side. With a positively wicked grin, he’d added the final touches to his bait. “Wonder where they’ve gone to…” Sirius grumbled something under his breath. “Sorry, didn’t catch that,” the rather greasy young man said from his position on the floor.

A wicked gleam lit Sirius’ grey eyes.

“I’d tell you, but you’d only get yourself whomped.”

He never thought the stupid git would go in of course, just close enough to be scared shitless and figure a few things out. He realized later that he hadn’t been thinking at all. Thankfully James saved Snape from an untimely demise, but he’d cut it close; close enough for the werewolf to smell its prey. Driven to far extremes of madness by the inability to reach prey so close by, the wolf turned on itself with an unusual ferocity. When Madame Pomfrey found Remus the next morning, she’d thought he was dead.

Remus didn’t leave the hospital wing for two weeks.

Sirius was sorry of course. He visited once when Remus was asleep. Wonder if Moony ever found out about that, he thought idly, reaching up to gently brush a strand of hair from the new professor’s face, noting the similarities between the two sleeping Moonies-past and present. But after that, he’d stayed clear of the hospital wing. He didn’t think he could face those silently reproachful eyes and keep his temper, so he kept himself busy.

After all, there were plenty of girls at Hogwarts.

So it was, when Moony was finally released and allowed to return to the dorm, it was to the welcome of Sirius snogging a rather fetching blonde while seated on the edge of his bed; a bed that just so happened to be next to Remus’. This was too much. With the air of an injured teenager, Remus had shot him a spectacular glare and stormed over to his bed, shut the curtains, and cast a Silencing Spell. Suddenly Sirius lost all interest in his blonde, and sent her away with a kiss and a swat on her rear. Needless to say, she wasn’t very happy about it, but at least she went without a fuss. With that out of the way, Sirius swaggered over to Remus’ bed, confident that he’d finally gotten a reaction out of him. He wasn’t prepared for the scene behind the curtains though.

Remus was crying.

This in and of itself was enough of a blow to make Sirius recoil. Remus, looking up into his face, looked about as feral as Sirius had ever seen him. Looking back, he realized the sight had been…rather arousing. It was like the look he got just before Changing, but more frightening, because this time Remus was in control, and he was a lot smarter than a wolf.

“Fuck off,” he snarled, his battered body tensing.

Sirius backed up another step. It was the first time he’d heard Remus swear.

“Are you deaf as well as stupid? I said fuck off!”

“Moony…I-” Sirius had stuttered out.

“No, do not start with me Black. I have had about as much of you as I can take. Of course, it’s really my own fault. I was a fool to think someone like you would understand.” This took Sirius aback, but within two breaths he was angry again, his voice a growl low in his throat.

“What do you mean someone like me?” Remus’ use of his surname had stung, but he wasn’t about to show that.

“Just what I said. Someone like you, who’s never felt out of place, never found somewhere they don’t belong. You could never understand.”

“Merlin Remus, you must have missed the fact that I left my family this summer. Left as in they set the dogs on me, would have killed me if they’d gotten the chance,” he snapped back, eyes narrowing. “And maybe if you stopped running away every time someone gets close, it’d be easier to understand!”

“I’m not the one who locks himself up here with the music loud enough to drive him deaf.” Remus rose from his bed, striding towards the door. “So I guess you’d know about running away, wouldn’t you? You should really think about casting a Silencing charm sometime, your music doesn’t drown out the screams,” he snapped, gripping the handle and flinging open the heavy oak door.

It slammed shut before he could leave, Sirius’ body leaning against it.

“Though considering your penchant for angst and drama, I’m not surprised. You have the amazing capacity to make a mountain out of a molehill, a talent you display daily!”

“At least I’m not a wet blanket! That’s why people can’t stand you Moony, you spoil everything with that superior attitude of yours!”

“Unlike you, I want something more permanent than the instant gratification you get from a good prank here or a great shag there. I need something more than that, and I don’t see the point in joining in an activity that would do me more harm than good!

“I’m sick of this place Sirius! I’m stuck inside of a world that hates me, hates me for something that isn’t even my fault! So you’ll forgive my refusal to join in on its favored pastimes.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, still leaning heavily against the door. “And you think I like this? I’m just as sick of this as you are. Everyone strolling about with their big fake smiles, using each other and ruining lives over stupid lies while deep inside-“ Here he paused, a look of horror crossing his face. “You’re bleeding.”

Remus narrowed his eyes, arms folding across his chest. “Very dramatic, Black, in fact I’d say that was almost poetic. Now if you’re finished I’d-“

“No, you twit! You’re bleeding!” Sirius pointed to a scar on Remus’ collarbone-just visible framed by his V-neck button up shirt. He moved as if to touch it, but Remus flinched away, something unreadable blazing in his normally placid amber eyes.

“Don’t touch me.” Remus took a deep breath, and now his voice was shaking with suppressed rage, though he’d quieted it some. “No one ever lied to your face.” He was seemingly determined to continue their fight.

“No one ever stabbed you in the back!” Sirius had retorted, a bit of bite to his tone. He reached for Remus again, and this time got a grip on the collar of his shirt and was examining the place where Remus’ wound had opened. “You seem to think I’m so happy with my life, but the truth is that I’m not.” He watched with equal parts horror and fascination as a drop of blood ran from the wound down the werewolf’s smooth skin. There was an odd pooling of heat in his belly, and he wanted to touch that skin, to be that drop of blood caress-Stop it! He’d told himself this was not an acceptable train of thought many, many times. It never seemed to make a difference. “Some days I wake up and I don’t think I’ll ever be ok. So it isn’t a piece of cake on my end either.”

Remus ripped away from him, his cheeks colored pink with a mixture of fury and something else. “How can you complain? Everyone’s always given you what you wanted. You’ve never had to work for it either, it was just always there! You don’t know what it’s like to want and pine after someone-thing, something you know you can’t have, or even just have to work for. You don’t know what it’s like to be me!” Here he paused, sucking in breath.

Sirius could only stare.

“After so long, a bloke gets tired of working, gets tired of wanting. I’m tired damn it! I don’t know what I did for you to start hating me, but I’m quickly ceasing to care! I’ve been patient, and I-“ Remus was cut off by hands on his face and a mouth pressed to his. For what seemed like an eternity he didn’t move, but then something seemed to snap, and he began returning the kiss with a fervor that took the older boy by surprise.

“When will you learn to just take what you want?” Sirius asked him softly once their lips had parted. Remus hadn’t answered-at least not vocally-but his response to Sirius’ second kiss was proof enough of his sentiments.

Much older and a little bit wiser, Sirius Black sat on the end of Remus’ bed, gazing fondly at the sleeping man nestled in blankets and sheets. The sun’s light was just beginning to peek through the window, illuminating the simple covers and one of Remus’ hands that had shifted to dangle off of the bed in his sleep. Sirius rose and pulled shut the heavy drapes before turning back and placing the errant hand back on the bed.

For a long moment Sirius stood there, his left hand caressing the distinct line of Remus’ jaw. He knew it was time to leave, but he found it extremely difficult to tear his eyes away from the sleeping man before him. The air was still, but heavy as the ex-convict took one of Remus’ own quills and parchment sheaves and scrawled a quick message, folding it carefully and placing it in the werewolf’s palm, curling long fingers around it protectively. That done, he rose and slipped out the door before changing to Padfoot, what he’d written repeating itself in his head as he slunk down and out of the castle.

Once, I could just take what I wanted; now I know I have to work for it, pine for it. I think I understand now. This is what you meant.

It wasn’t much, and leaving it had been dangerous, but the run from the castle to the forest was pleasant and mercifully uninterrupted. He could let Padfoot take over, the dog’s mind streamlining his thoughts and squeezing out unnecessary musings.

It helped, a little.