it's been almost 7 months....
ive been putting this off every day for that amount of time. i miss you, livejournal. and i need you. i havent written a thing. not a single word anywhere. its because im ashamed of myself and my life. i still feel i am a good person. just wasting my potential and life. i work and i drink and sleep and eat... i try to figure out a way to do something else.
i do some things.
i dont know.
i am 25 now.
yesterday was the best day ive had in a long time. it made me happier than i could have imagined... the best christmas ever. i went to the shelter here in atlanta and through a friend there i finally tracked down my two best young friends. emerald and orchid. 10 and 6. i, uh, i can escape through them... i can be a child. i am so good at it. and i can teach them. i finally found them. its been 2 years... now i am back in touch with them. my next day off will be spent with them shopping and dancing and everything else. i am very excited and happy about this.
but for some reason i cant stop crying.
lets see.... so yea, i moved to atlanta about 6 months ago maybe. i live in a 1 bedroom with 3 people. usually there are more people over than that. i keep wanting to do something productive but i drink instead. i keep talking to my roommates about and they say they agree but they drink instead. its my environment. i am supposed to be moving to new orleans in february but i am the only one saving money out of the three of us. i dont know how this is going to work. something has got to change.
i had a boyfriend for awhile. he was very negative and mopey. i got rid of him. cant handle that.
i started to fall in love with someone that i had known for a little over a year. he was for me too. but then shit got weird. and he disconnected himself from me. i called him last night when i was drunk and it made me feel so stupid after. see, we had agreed to be in a long distance relationship until i moved to new orleans. he was going to visit me in january... and then... i dont know. we broke up. haha. i felt a way about him that i hadnt felt for anyone since i have been the person that i am today. no one understands that. i forgot how bad this stuff could hurt. i was used to the pain of loneliness. this is much worse... fuck it.
i need to start writing in here more. and i promise i will. thanks for all of you that listen. LOVE YOU.
i do some things.
i dont know.
i am 25 now.
yesterday was the best day ive had in a long time. it made me happier than i could have imagined... the best christmas ever. i went to the shelter here in atlanta and through a friend there i finally tracked down my two best young friends. emerald and orchid. 10 and 6. i, uh, i can escape through them... i can be a child. i am so good at it. and i can teach them. i finally found them. its been 2 years... now i am back in touch with them. my next day off will be spent with them shopping and dancing and everything else. i am very excited and happy about this.
but for some reason i cant stop crying.
lets see.... so yea, i moved to atlanta about 6 months ago maybe. i live in a 1 bedroom with 3 people. usually there are more people over than that. i keep wanting to do something productive but i drink instead. i keep talking to my roommates about and they say they agree but they drink instead. its my environment. i am supposed to be moving to new orleans in february but i am the only one saving money out of the three of us. i dont know how this is going to work. something has got to change.
i had a boyfriend for awhile. he was very negative and mopey. i got rid of him. cant handle that.
i started to fall in love with someone that i had known for a little over a year. he was for me too. but then shit got weird. and he disconnected himself from me. i called him last night when i was drunk and it made me feel so stupid after. see, we had agreed to be in a long distance relationship until i moved to new orleans. he was going to visit me in january... and then... i dont know. we broke up. haha. i felt a way about him that i hadnt felt for anyone since i have been the person that i am today. no one understands that. i forgot how bad this stuff could hurt. i was used to the pain of loneliness. this is much worse... fuck it.
i need to start writing in here more. and i promise i will. thanks for all of you that listen. LOVE YOU.