Golden Child
Title: Golden Child
Author: Scifirogue_Kane
Rating: FRT.
Pairing: Hawkes/Danny, implications of one-sided Mac/Danny
Content Warning: slash, angst, and discussion of suicidal thoughts and an attempted suicide
Summary: Danny Messer was tired of being the screw up. He was tired of trying to measure up and failing, he was tired of no one being on his side, and he was going to do something about it. Therefore it was up to Sheldon Hawkes to change his mind, no matter what it took
Authors note: I have only seen a couple of episodes of the third season, so anything I don’t know about or are vague about is because of that. Set after the ending of the first season but before the beginning of the second. If you have read this previously, reread, It’s longer. Hawkes' Background is used with the kind permission of csiny_sl who wrote it for her amazing Hawkes/Flack story DNA and RNA, although I add to it to suit the story better. Not my toys and not my sandbox I’m just playing here for a while, so do not sue, if you do sue all you will get is a pile of study notes and one fat rabbit. There are more authors’ notes at the end of story.
'Perfect timing,' Danny thought, 'Hawkes had perfect timing.' It had been a hard day. Mac didn't trust him, probably never would again, but what was worse was he wasn't afraid to show it. He openly checked Danny's work, and that was the worst part, not only did Mac see him as a screw-up of a human being, he saw him as a screw-up of a CSI, which wasn't fair. He had been the golden child, when it came to being a CSI. He had been aware of it, Mac preening him, taking him under his wing. Now he was off the promotion grid, due to his screw-ups and a therefor a new golden child must be found, hence Hawkes amazing timing. Now Mac had his new golden child and Danny was nothing. He had always tried to impress Mac, he knew he would never fully find his way in, but it had felt good knowing that Mac thought of him. He always pushed himself as hard as he could he had to push his way out from underneath the name 'Messer' from underneath the legacy laid at his feet by his father and brother. He had never been a Tanglewood Boy, but the moment his name fell out of Sonny's lips he had been linked as a liar in Mac's mind, a screw-up, everything after that, disobeying him on the statue case, the shooting, that had just proved it to Mac. He had expected his boss to fire him then and there, especially after hearing that he had been discouraged to hire him in the first place. He had really screwed up by not trusting them, he acknowledged this and the shooting had not been his best day but he had been defending himself. He had ruined his working relationship with Mac Taylor, any respect the man held for him, gone, and so he had lost something he had been searching for forever, someone to believe in him. Danny had figured he would screw-up his life sooner or later after all he was a Messer and as his family was very kind in reminding him, he was a screw-up. He never had his father’s respect and Louis; Danny still cringed at the memory of that night. As for Danny's co-workers, again any relationship he had with them was shot. Stella looked at him with suspicion, Aiden was distancing herself from everyone, Don was still ticked at Danny's lack of trust and Hawkes . . . Hawkes was Hawkes, he was showing them all that there was more to him then they knew, wiggling his way into their confidences, and showing he was quite the CSI. Hawkes with his quiet disposition, his playful streak, his compassionate eyes and his gorgeous body was somewhat irresistible. Heck Danny could actually call the man his friend, maybe even more, except that he had taken his place. He was fitting in too well; settling into the hole that Danny had left. He was pushing Danny out of the picture. Danny was in Hawkes way from completely joining the team, but the man wouldn't have to worry for much longer. Danny had sent his letter of resignation to Mac along with some personal letters, apologies and explanations. He didn't think anyone would care about what he was going to do, that he was planning on ending it all, tonight, a bullet and he would be gone, another crime scene for his co-workers to process, another chance for Hawkes to shine.
Danny walked out of the lab, after finishing his shift, and no one noticed him go, except Hawkes. Hawkes had seen the other man deflate more and more with each passing day. He hadn't known him that well when he was the M.E. but you would've had to be blind, deaf and dumb to miss Danny's sprit and 'personality'. He knew about what had gone on in the lab before he joined, from second hand sources and exaggerated gossip. Even if he hadn't the tension in the team could be felt from a mile off. He knew these people but coming into that had made him feel like an outsider. He was very good at observing people, their moods, when to push, when not to and he was starting to set into the groove. Working with Mac helped, the man was a tough but thorough teacher, and Hawkes was aware that he was aware that he was currently the star pupil. He had managed to get through (sorta) to everyone, except for Danny. The man almost seemed to be looking for trouble when it came to Hawkes, trying to make him the outsider. At first Hawkes had taken it personally, then he came to realize that Danny saw him as some kind of replacement, competition for the others attention, which simply wasn't true. Hawkes had hoped that some day Danny would see himself as irreplaceable. Hawkes hoped that some day Danny would see him as a friend, the few times Hawkes had seen Danny as *Danny* had been amazing, the tough New Yorker was actually kind of sweet. When he allowed himself, he could be loving and compassionate and strong (real strength not the ‘tough guy’ act) not to mention sexy. Unfortunately Danny couldn’t see all that. Danny was too lost to see what Hawkes saw. Danny thought that no one noticed, that no one cared but the truth was that he himself had stopped caring and that was a dangerous thing. So Hawkes had waited and watched, until tonight, tonight he knew Danny was going to try and kill himself. So therefore tonight Hawkes was going to have to stop him. Maybe make him see some things that are worth living for.
Hawkes watched Danny leave the lab and quickly went after him. It was the end of shift so no one thought anything of their exits. Hawkes quickly caught up to Danny in the parking lot, because he knew if Danny left then that would be the last time.
Danny was almost in his car when Hawkes got out there, and he was almost gone until Hawkes came up beside him and placed his hands on the car door, stopping Danny from closing it.
Danny looked up, startled, when Hawkes came up beside him. He had thought that he was home free, which no one had noticed his exit from the lab. He schooled his features quickly into a scowl. Wouldn't do any good for the new Goldenboy to figure out his plans, now would it?
"What is it Hawkes?" Danny began, scanning his co-workers face for any sign of what the other man was thinking. "Whatever it is it can wait till tomorrow. I'm bushed." With that Danny attempted to close the car door, conversation closed. Hawkes however had other plans, keeping a death grip on the door.
"Don't do this Danny." Sheldon clearly stated, there was no way he would beat around the bush with Danny. It would just allow him to skirt the issue. However seeing Danny's mounting panic he softened his gaze and tone softly adding, "I know that it hurts Danny, but ending it is not the way to go."
"WHAT THE FUCK, HAWKES," Danny said. The words practically shoot from his mouth in a blind panic. He then takes a few calming breathes and says quietly "Hawkes what are you talking bout, all I want is to go home and sleep after a hard day of shit." There was no way Hawkes could know what he was planning. If he did, he wouldn't care anyway, he thought bitterly.
Hawkes, almost backed off, almost believed Danny but when he looked in those eyes he saw the truth. So Hawkes quickly opened the side door and maneuvered his way into Danny's passenger seat.
"Fine," he said calmly, at Danny's look of utter shock, "You can go home, but I'm coming with you." He ignored Danny's face, which seemed to be lost in a wash of confusion, annoyance and hope. Sheldon clung to the hope, hoping himself that it would be enough to save the man next to him. Because if Danny succeeded, Sheldon knew that a part of him would die to.
Danny didn't know what to think when Hawkes FORCED his way into the car, he was angry at the audacity of the man, but pleased that someone gave a damn about him. Maybe there was something, he quickly killed that line of thought, focusing instead on the drive and how to get Hawkes out of his life so he could do what he had to do. Because there is no fucking way Hawkes wanted him the way Danny needed to be wanted.
The ride over to Danny’s was tense, Danny offered to give Hawkes a ride home, repeating his earlier assertion that he was tired, but Hawkes simply repeated that he wasn’t going anywhere, making himself comfortable in Danny’s passenger seat and sending him quiet looks until Danny gave in. He wished the other man wouldn’t do this, wouldn’t give him hope like this. Overtime he ever gave a damn, overtime he let himself care, let himself hope, he was smacked down, this time would be no different. Hawkes would be no different then Mac or any of the other people in Danny’s life who hadn’t given a shit about him.
When they arrived at Danny’s place, he tried one last time to get rid of Hawkes before finally giving up and inviting him upstairs, even though inside he was still wondering what it would take to get Hawkes to go, though he figured it wouldn't take much, because he was still trying to figure out why the other man was there. Danny was sure there was no fucking way Hawkes could want him, hell they weren’t even friends, so why the fuck did he insist on poking his nose where it didn't belong. He had thought he could get rid of him when they reached his place but the other man insisted on following him up. Maybe Danny wasn't being persuasive enough because he could be a real asshole if he tried, hell he pushed people away without trying it should be easy as pie to get rid of one unwanted ME turned CSI. But then again maybe he didn't really want to.
Hawkes knew it wouldn't be easy, Danny had more shields then an entire medieval army, especially now that his heart had been broken, but he had to try, even if Danny wasn't with him, he needed to keep Danny alive. He didn’t know why he was so certain of this, or how he was going to achieve this but he just knew he had to. So he had gotten into the car and he had stayed with Danny, even going into the apartment with the other man, despite his increasingly defensive manner. Hawkes knew that if he left this alone he would lose him and that was not going to happen.
“Buzz off Doc, I’m beat and I am really not up to playing good host right now,” Danny stated in his best nonchalant manner. Desperately trying one last time to get rid of the other man, on the way over here he had pushed every button imaginable and still the other man stayed, it was completely baffling.
“NO,” Hawkes stated quietly but firmly, the tone of his voice causing Danny too still completely, looking the other man in the face for the first time that evening. “I am not going to go until you hear me out Danny, I know what you want to do and there is no way in hell I’m going to allow you to go through with it.” His voice kept the same clam, but intense tone, his eyes meeting Danny’s in an attempt to drive what he was saying home.
Danny drew back in complete shock, how did Hawkes know, there was no way. “You don’t know what you’re talking about Doc,” Danny said in a last ditch attempt to make the other man leave. “All I want is to get some sleep, I’m tired, I’ve been dealing with a lot and I just want to sleep!” His voice rose and caught as he finished speaking, he hadn’t intended to say that much but the man standing in front of him unnerved him and he just wanted him to go away.
“That’s what I’m afraid of,” Hawkes murmured, Danny had to listen carefully just to hear him. “Danny, I know what your feeling and how badly you want to end the pain, but there are other ways.” Hawkes trailed off at the glare that Danny was sending his way, the hostility rolling of the other man was almost physical, causing Hawkes to step away from Danny.
The moment Hawkes stepped back, Danny began to rip into the other man. “You know how I FEEL, Hawkes! How the FUCK, would you know what I’m feeling, or planning or wanting! You don’t know me, you know Danny the CSI, who came to your dungeon to get an answer to a problem. Frick, Doc, if this is your problem solving ability, then you should have stayed in the morgue, because if your thinking you can form a connection with me then your nuts.”
“Danny shut up for a minute and listen to me,” Hawkes growled, looking immediately chastised at his loss of control, his voice softening as he continued. “I’ve seen the change in you Danny, you’ve lost weight, you’ve stopped hanging with your friends and you’ve thrown yourself into your work, but not with the passion I know you have for your work. I may only know you through the morgue, Danny but I know the signs of depression, and I’m not the only person that’s noticed” Danny laughed quietly at this, next the man was going to tell him he had people who cared about him, which was a lie. His friends had abandoned him and the man he cared about and respected saw him as the screw up he was. In the end he was just another Messer screw-up and nothing Hawkes could say would change that.
“So how do you know all this Doc and what makes you think I’m suicidal, I mean you’re not a headshrinker, and not even perfect you, can know everything.” Danny again cursed his slip of the tongue. What was it about this man that pushed aside every single self-defense mechanism that he had? All Danny knew was that he had to crush these feelings he was having, the last thing that he needed was another Mac Taylor.
Hawkes drew in a sharp breath at Danny’s words, looking away in order to gain his composure. It was all or nothing now, he had to tell Danny everything and hope that it got through to him. “Danny, I’m not perfect,” Hawkes paused drawing in a deep breath, before revealing his secret, which he had guarded greatly. “I’m not that different from you, it’s true Danny” Hawkes stated at Danny’s skeptical look in his direction. “We both have a history that we wish we would forget. I don’t know what your connection to the Tanglewood boys is, and I don’t want to know, but I do know that whatever it is you’re not alone in your connection to a gang,” He drew in a deep breath, steading himself for what he was about to say. This was a hell of a lot harder then he thought it would be, not that he thought it would be easy, but still. “Danny, I was a member of a gang, I almost killed my own father because I thought I knew better, I was tired of being poor, of my father ignoring me. So the idiot that I was I decided that a gang was the answer and so I almost killed my father, who had done nothing but love me and work for my future since my mother died.” Hawkes drew in another shaky breath at the memory of almost killing his beloved father, the man who had sacrificed his entire life to save money for Hawkes career, he hoped that one day he could tell Danny about him, about the good time but right now he had to get to the point of his story, how he knew what Danny was planning. “After I almost murdered my father, I drew into a depression and I attempted to end my own life. I thought he would never forgive me or love me again. That I was stupid and not worthy of love but my father saved me again and I went on because of that love and now I know that I made a mistake but I am still worthy of love, just like you Danny.” By this point Hawkes of kneeling in front of a sitting, trying to look him in the eye.
“Hawkes, I, don’t do this to me, don’t promise something that you won’t deliver.” Danny stammered out, still clinging to fear, Mac had broken his heart and Hawkes was dangerously close to finding his way in. “I can’t trust anyone else, not after Mac.” Danny shut down, looking away until Hawkes made him look him in the eye.
“Trust yourself Danny, and then maybe one day you will be able to trust me. I know that you had you psyche evaluation, but, Mac did a number on you. I won’t force you Danny, all I want is a promise that you will talk to people, friends, I know you hate counselors, just talk to someone, especially talk to Mac, you need to put this behind you. You are worth loving Danny. You are an amazing CSI, and a good friend. But if you still want to die, I can’t stop you, but I hope I’ve gotten through to you.” As much as Hawkes wanted to tie Danny and drag him away, Danny needed to want help, to ask for it.
“Please Hawkes, stay,” Danny said hesitantly, and Hawkes heart broke at how broken the other man sounded and he seriously wanted to kill Mac in that moment. “The person I want to talk to is you.” Hawkes nodded and sat back down as Danny slowly began to talk. Finally Danny thought he might have found someone to trust.
END
Authors note two: This was an extremely difficult piece to write because of the difficult subject matter. I know that Danny might seem a bit inconsistent in this piece and a bit out of character but he had been seriously traumatized by the shooting and the resulting all out, Mac losing trust in him, Flack would presumably back off and Aiden was dealing with other things. I might have my time frame off a bit sorry about that. Also Hawkes might seem a tad aggressive in this piece, but he is being a tad reactionary in this piece. In ‘DNA and RNA’ it was never mentioned that Hawkes attempted suicide, I added that for my story.
Here are some links to information about depression and suicide prevention groups
http://www.depression.com/
http://www.depression-information.net/manic-depression.htm
http://www.saferchild.org/suicide.htm
http://www.suicideinfo.ca/
Author: Scifirogue_Kane
Rating: FRT.
Pairing: Hawkes/Danny, implications of one-sided Mac/Danny
Content Warning: slash, angst, and discussion of suicidal thoughts and an attempted suicide
Summary: Danny Messer was tired of being the screw up. He was tired of trying to measure up and failing, he was tired of no one being on his side, and he was going to do something about it. Therefore it was up to Sheldon Hawkes to change his mind, no matter what it took
Authors note: I have only seen a couple of episodes of the third season, so anything I don’t know about or are vague about is because of that. Set after the ending of the first season but before the beginning of the second. If you have read this previously, reread, It’s longer. Hawkes' Background is used with the kind permission of csiny_sl who wrote it for her amazing Hawkes/Flack story DNA and RNA, although I add to it to suit the story better. Not my toys and not my sandbox I’m just playing here for a while, so do not sue, if you do sue all you will get is a pile of study notes and one fat rabbit. There are more authors’ notes at the end of story.
'Perfect timing,' Danny thought, 'Hawkes had perfect timing.' It had been a hard day. Mac didn't trust him, probably never would again, but what was worse was he wasn't afraid to show it. He openly checked Danny's work, and that was the worst part, not only did Mac see him as a screw-up of a human being, he saw him as a screw-up of a CSI, which wasn't fair. He had been the golden child, when it came to being a CSI. He had been aware of it, Mac preening him, taking him under his wing. Now he was off the promotion grid, due to his screw-ups and a therefor a new golden child must be found, hence Hawkes amazing timing. Now Mac had his new golden child and Danny was nothing. He had always tried to impress Mac, he knew he would never fully find his way in, but it had felt good knowing that Mac thought of him. He always pushed himself as hard as he could he had to push his way out from underneath the name 'Messer' from underneath the legacy laid at his feet by his father and brother. He had never been a Tanglewood Boy, but the moment his name fell out of Sonny's lips he had been linked as a liar in Mac's mind, a screw-up, everything after that, disobeying him on the statue case, the shooting, that had just proved it to Mac. He had expected his boss to fire him then and there, especially after hearing that he had been discouraged to hire him in the first place. He had really screwed up by not trusting them, he acknowledged this and the shooting had not been his best day but he had been defending himself. He had ruined his working relationship with Mac Taylor, any respect the man held for him, gone, and so he had lost something he had been searching for forever, someone to believe in him. Danny had figured he would screw-up his life sooner or later after all he was a Messer and as his family was very kind in reminding him, he was a screw-up. He never had his father’s respect and Louis; Danny still cringed at the memory of that night. As for Danny's co-workers, again any relationship he had with them was shot. Stella looked at him with suspicion, Aiden was distancing herself from everyone, Don was still ticked at Danny's lack of trust and Hawkes . . . Hawkes was Hawkes, he was showing them all that there was more to him then they knew, wiggling his way into their confidences, and showing he was quite the CSI. Hawkes with his quiet disposition, his playful streak, his compassionate eyes and his gorgeous body was somewhat irresistible. Heck Danny could actually call the man his friend, maybe even more, except that he had taken his place. He was fitting in too well; settling into the hole that Danny had left. He was pushing Danny out of the picture. Danny was in Hawkes way from completely joining the team, but the man wouldn't have to worry for much longer. Danny had sent his letter of resignation to Mac along with some personal letters, apologies and explanations. He didn't think anyone would care about what he was going to do, that he was planning on ending it all, tonight, a bullet and he would be gone, another crime scene for his co-workers to process, another chance for Hawkes to shine.
Danny walked out of the lab, after finishing his shift, and no one noticed him go, except Hawkes. Hawkes had seen the other man deflate more and more with each passing day. He hadn't known him that well when he was the M.E. but you would've had to be blind, deaf and dumb to miss Danny's sprit and 'personality'. He knew about what had gone on in the lab before he joined, from second hand sources and exaggerated gossip. Even if he hadn't the tension in the team could be felt from a mile off. He knew these people but coming into that had made him feel like an outsider. He was very good at observing people, their moods, when to push, when not to and he was starting to set into the groove. Working with Mac helped, the man was a tough but thorough teacher, and Hawkes was aware that he was aware that he was currently the star pupil. He had managed to get through (sorta) to everyone, except for Danny. The man almost seemed to be looking for trouble when it came to Hawkes, trying to make him the outsider. At first Hawkes had taken it personally, then he came to realize that Danny saw him as some kind of replacement, competition for the others attention, which simply wasn't true. Hawkes had hoped that some day Danny would see himself as irreplaceable. Hawkes hoped that some day Danny would see him as a friend, the few times Hawkes had seen Danny as *Danny* had been amazing, the tough New Yorker was actually kind of sweet. When he allowed himself, he could be loving and compassionate and strong (real strength not the ‘tough guy’ act) not to mention sexy. Unfortunately Danny couldn’t see all that. Danny was too lost to see what Hawkes saw. Danny thought that no one noticed, that no one cared but the truth was that he himself had stopped caring and that was a dangerous thing. So Hawkes had waited and watched, until tonight, tonight he knew Danny was going to try and kill himself. So therefore tonight Hawkes was going to have to stop him. Maybe make him see some things that are worth living for.
Hawkes watched Danny leave the lab and quickly went after him. It was the end of shift so no one thought anything of their exits. Hawkes quickly caught up to Danny in the parking lot, because he knew if Danny left then that would be the last time.
Danny was almost in his car when Hawkes got out there, and he was almost gone until Hawkes came up beside him and placed his hands on the car door, stopping Danny from closing it.
Danny looked up, startled, when Hawkes came up beside him. He had thought that he was home free, which no one had noticed his exit from the lab. He schooled his features quickly into a scowl. Wouldn't do any good for the new Goldenboy to figure out his plans, now would it?
"What is it Hawkes?" Danny began, scanning his co-workers face for any sign of what the other man was thinking. "Whatever it is it can wait till tomorrow. I'm bushed." With that Danny attempted to close the car door, conversation closed. Hawkes however had other plans, keeping a death grip on the door.
"Don't do this Danny." Sheldon clearly stated, there was no way he would beat around the bush with Danny. It would just allow him to skirt the issue. However seeing Danny's mounting panic he softened his gaze and tone softly adding, "I know that it hurts Danny, but ending it is not the way to go."
"WHAT THE FUCK, HAWKES," Danny said. The words practically shoot from his mouth in a blind panic. He then takes a few calming breathes and says quietly "Hawkes what are you talking bout, all I want is to go home and sleep after a hard day of shit." There was no way Hawkes could know what he was planning. If he did, he wouldn't care anyway, he thought bitterly.
Hawkes, almost backed off, almost believed Danny but when he looked in those eyes he saw the truth. So Hawkes quickly opened the side door and maneuvered his way into Danny's passenger seat.
"Fine," he said calmly, at Danny's look of utter shock, "You can go home, but I'm coming with you." He ignored Danny's face, which seemed to be lost in a wash of confusion, annoyance and hope. Sheldon clung to the hope, hoping himself that it would be enough to save the man next to him. Because if Danny succeeded, Sheldon knew that a part of him would die to.
Danny didn't know what to think when Hawkes FORCED his way into the car, he was angry at the audacity of the man, but pleased that someone gave a damn about him. Maybe there was something, he quickly killed that line of thought, focusing instead on the drive and how to get Hawkes out of his life so he could do what he had to do. Because there is no fucking way Hawkes wanted him the way Danny needed to be wanted.
The ride over to Danny’s was tense, Danny offered to give Hawkes a ride home, repeating his earlier assertion that he was tired, but Hawkes simply repeated that he wasn’t going anywhere, making himself comfortable in Danny’s passenger seat and sending him quiet looks until Danny gave in. He wished the other man wouldn’t do this, wouldn’t give him hope like this. Overtime he ever gave a damn, overtime he let himself care, let himself hope, he was smacked down, this time would be no different. Hawkes would be no different then Mac or any of the other people in Danny’s life who hadn’t given a shit about him.
When they arrived at Danny’s place, he tried one last time to get rid of Hawkes before finally giving up and inviting him upstairs, even though inside he was still wondering what it would take to get Hawkes to go, though he figured it wouldn't take much, because he was still trying to figure out why the other man was there. Danny was sure there was no fucking way Hawkes could want him, hell they weren’t even friends, so why the fuck did he insist on poking his nose where it didn't belong. He had thought he could get rid of him when they reached his place but the other man insisted on following him up. Maybe Danny wasn't being persuasive enough because he could be a real asshole if he tried, hell he pushed people away without trying it should be easy as pie to get rid of one unwanted ME turned CSI. But then again maybe he didn't really want to.
Hawkes knew it wouldn't be easy, Danny had more shields then an entire medieval army, especially now that his heart had been broken, but he had to try, even if Danny wasn't with him, he needed to keep Danny alive. He didn’t know why he was so certain of this, or how he was going to achieve this but he just knew he had to. So he had gotten into the car and he had stayed with Danny, even going into the apartment with the other man, despite his increasingly defensive manner. Hawkes knew that if he left this alone he would lose him and that was not going to happen.
“Buzz off Doc, I’m beat and I am really not up to playing good host right now,” Danny stated in his best nonchalant manner. Desperately trying one last time to get rid of the other man, on the way over here he had pushed every button imaginable and still the other man stayed, it was completely baffling.
“NO,” Hawkes stated quietly but firmly, the tone of his voice causing Danny too still completely, looking the other man in the face for the first time that evening. “I am not going to go until you hear me out Danny, I know what you want to do and there is no way in hell I’m going to allow you to go through with it.” His voice kept the same clam, but intense tone, his eyes meeting Danny’s in an attempt to drive what he was saying home.
Danny drew back in complete shock, how did Hawkes know, there was no way. “You don’t know what you’re talking about Doc,” Danny said in a last ditch attempt to make the other man leave. “All I want is to get some sleep, I’m tired, I’ve been dealing with a lot and I just want to sleep!” His voice rose and caught as he finished speaking, he hadn’t intended to say that much but the man standing in front of him unnerved him and he just wanted him to go away.
“That’s what I’m afraid of,” Hawkes murmured, Danny had to listen carefully just to hear him. “Danny, I know what your feeling and how badly you want to end the pain, but there are other ways.” Hawkes trailed off at the glare that Danny was sending his way, the hostility rolling of the other man was almost physical, causing Hawkes to step away from Danny.
The moment Hawkes stepped back, Danny began to rip into the other man. “You know how I FEEL, Hawkes! How the FUCK, would you know what I’m feeling, or planning or wanting! You don’t know me, you know Danny the CSI, who came to your dungeon to get an answer to a problem. Frick, Doc, if this is your problem solving ability, then you should have stayed in the morgue, because if your thinking you can form a connection with me then your nuts.”
“Danny shut up for a minute and listen to me,” Hawkes growled, looking immediately chastised at his loss of control, his voice softening as he continued. “I’ve seen the change in you Danny, you’ve lost weight, you’ve stopped hanging with your friends and you’ve thrown yourself into your work, but not with the passion I know you have for your work. I may only know you through the morgue, Danny but I know the signs of depression, and I’m not the only person that’s noticed” Danny laughed quietly at this, next the man was going to tell him he had people who cared about him, which was a lie. His friends had abandoned him and the man he cared about and respected saw him as the screw up he was. In the end he was just another Messer screw-up and nothing Hawkes could say would change that.
“So how do you know all this Doc and what makes you think I’m suicidal, I mean you’re not a headshrinker, and not even perfect you, can know everything.” Danny again cursed his slip of the tongue. What was it about this man that pushed aside every single self-defense mechanism that he had? All Danny knew was that he had to crush these feelings he was having, the last thing that he needed was another Mac Taylor.
Hawkes drew in a sharp breath at Danny’s words, looking away in order to gain his composure. It was all or nothing now, he had to tell Danny everything and hope that it got through to him. “Danny, I’m not perfect,” Hawkes paused drawing in a deep breath, before revealing his secret, which he had guarded greatly. “I’m not that different from you, it’s true Danny” Hawkes stated at Danny’s skeptical look in his direction. “We both have a history that we wish we would forget. I don’t know what your connection to the Tanglewood boys is, and I don’t want to know, but I do know that whatever it is you’re not alone in your connection to a gang,” He drew in a deep breath, steading himself for what he was about to say. This was a hell of a lot harder then he thought it would be, not that he thought it would be easy, but still. “Danny, I was a member of a gang, I almost killed my own father because I thought I knew better, I was tired of being poor, of my father ignoring me. So the idiot that I was I decided that a gang was the answer and so I almost killed my father, who had done nothing but love me and work for my future since my mother died.” Hawkes drew in another shaky breath at the memory of almost killing his beloved father, the man who had sacrificed his entire life to save money for Hawkes career, he hoped that one day he could tell Danny about him, about the good time but right now he had to get to the point of his story, how he knew what Danny was planning. “After I almost murdered my father, I drew into a depression and I attempted to end my own life. I thought he would never forgive me or love me again. That I was stupid and not worthy of love but my father saved me again and I went on because of that love and now I know that I made a mistake but I am still worthy of love, just like you Danny.” By this point Hawkes of kneeling in front of a sitting, trying to look him in the eye.
“Hawkes, I, don’t do this to me, don’t promise something that you won’t deliver.” Danny stammered out, still clinging to fear, Mac had broken his heart and Hawkes was dangerously close to finding his way in. “I can’t trust anyone else, not after Mac.” Danny shut down, looking away until Hawkes made him look him in the eye.
“Trust yourself Danny, and then maybe one day you will be able to trust me. I know that you had you psyche evaluation, but, Mac did a number on you. I won’t force you Danny, all I want is a promise that you will talk to people, friends, I know you hate counselors, just talk to someone, especially talk to Mac, you need to put this behind you. You are worth loving Danny. You are an amazing CSI, and a good friend. But if you still want to die, I can’t stop you, but I hope I’ve gotten through to you.” As much as Hawkes wanted to tie Danny and drag him away, Danny needed to want help, to ask for it.
“Please Hawkes, stay,” Danny said hesitantly, and Hawkes heart broke at how broken the other man sounded and he seriously wanted to kill Mac in that moment. “The person I want to talk to is you.” Hawkes nodded and sat back down as Danny slowly began to talk. Finally Danny thought he might have found someone to trust.
END
Authors note two: This was an extremely difficult piece to write because of the difficult subject matter. I know that Danny might seem a bit inconsistent in this piece and a bit out of character but he had been seriously traumatized by the shooting and the resulting all out, Mac losing trust in him, Flack would presumably back off and Aiden was dealing with other things. I might have my time frame off a bit sorry about that. Also Hawkes might seem a tad aggressive in this piece, but he is being a tad reactionary in this piece. In ‘DNA and RNA’ it was never mentioned that Hawkes attempted suicide, I added that for my story.
Here are some links to information about depression and suicide prevention groups
http://www.depression.com/
http://www.depression-information.net/manic-depression.htm
http://www.saferchild.org/suicide.htm
http://www.suicideinfo.ca/