The Truth Between the Lies Chapter 4
DIsclaimer: not mine don't sue
Riley disappears around a corner though before I have chance to say anything. Neither of us has any idea what to say to the other. He was there the first time I woke up in Thirteen, but we quickly ran out of things to say. He looks so much like his brother it hurts me to look at him. I think I have a similar effect on him. When I’m not around, it’s easier to just pretend Peeta’s dead like the rest, rather than this awful limbo we’re both in.
I decide I’ve done enough telling for today, I just can’t deal with any more tears or accusations. I still have to sit with my mother and the Hawthornes through dinner, though, and that’s its own kind of awful. My mother sighs a lot and refuses to look at me, while Rory glares and Hazelle sends me looks that feel more like pity each time she does it. Prim tries to tell some story about the infirmary that’s supposed to be funny, but no one laughs. I eat my food as fast as possible. The one good thing about District 13 slop is that it goes down quickly. I get up to take my tray back and I hear Posy ask, “Why’s everybody so mad?”
It’s a good question, but I don’t need to hear the answer. Gale always hoped Peeta and I were just for the cameras, that without the Capitol I would be his. In his mind, I betrayed our love with Peeta. Of course that’s not the truth, although parts of it are. In the end it doesn’t matter. This baby needs its father and that’s what matters, that much of motherhood I understand. I go back to our room and lie on my bed thinking about the baby. So many thoughts run through my head they get jumbled. Worries about what will happen to us, where we will live, how I will take care of it, all swirl. I don’t even notice when my mother and Prim come in until my mother nudges me to say I should take a shower. I comply, glad to wash away this day and go to bed.
The next day seems to start way too early. My nightmares were awful, all of them included Peeta and our child
Running from what?running from mutts except when they were turning into mutts. I woke up screaming twice. Prim was beside me, shaking me awake. After another awkward breakfast without Gale, I don’t even bother looking at my schedule. I just go straight to my closet until it’s time for my appointment with Zoe.
I’m surprised my mother is there, although she doesn’t say much, just sighs as we go in. Zoe is as chipper as ever, though. “Now today I just want to do a scan. All it will do is confirm that you’re pregnant and that the embryo is in the right spot to develop properly. It’s still so early we might not even see anything yet, so don’t worry if we don’t. I just thought the sooner we know everything is good, the better.”
I nod, seeing the logic. I’m not sure how it’s possible, but I’ve seen enough of the Capitol’s medical tech to believe it is. I trust Zoe, if nothing else. She been kinder than anyone I’ve met in Thirteen so far. I get on the exam table and she lifts up my shirt and starts waving a plastic triangle over me. She stares intensely at the screen as she moves her hand first over my sides, then further down. I look at the screen, but all I see is black squiggles; just as I begin to think we’re not going to see anything, Zoe grins.
“There it is.” She points to a small circular blob near the bottom of the screen.
It’s barely bigger than her fingernail; the idea that it will become a person seems amazing. The image of a chubby little face swims before me and I feel a warmth in my belly that surprises me. I feel something like hope for the first time in a long time. Even my mother is smiling (although it’s a little tight). I’m smiling, too, I realize. Probably for the first time since I arrived here. Zoe is watching me. “Well, that’s really all there is to see. Everything looks good. The baby in a good spot and it looks good so far.”
“Could there be anything wrong?” I ask, worried again.
Zoe pauses for a second as she’s turning off the machine. “As far as I can tell, everything is fine,” she says, “and there is no reason to believe there is anything wrong”..”
“Okay,” I say, still uncertain.
Zoe turns around and hands me a piece of paper. “With any pregnancy, there are things that can go wrong, and it’s very early yet, but you’re healthy and young and there really isn’t anything to worry about.”
“I see.” I nod and then look down. Zoe has handed me a still picture of my scan. I can see the little blob and something flutters in my chest, but I look away. It makes all this seem far too real. I hope Peeta knew what he was doing when we created this child, because I sure don’t. Its It’s funny, though, I can’t help feeling like Peeta wouldn’t have left me in this position if he didn’t think I could be a mother. It’s not much, but it makes me feel stronger than anything else since I found out I was pregnant.
“Come on, I’m sure Zoe has other patients,” my mother says in her calm, competent healer’s voice.
I look at her, wondering why she even bothered to come. She said nothing, did nothing. She could have been any nurse in the hospital, and anyone besides my mother. Even without the Hunger Games, I wouldn’t know how to be a mother, thanks to her. I follow her out wordlessly, but once we’re in the hall, I snap. “Can you just be angry? Honestly, it would be easier than you pretending to be happy about this.”
She turns and I’m surprised to see sadness on her face, rather than anger. There are tears in her eyes when she starts, “I’m not. Honestly, you were in a terrible position, I can’t even imagine what that was like. I can’t be angry with you for that. I just wish that boy had thought of what he was leaving you to deal with.”
The fact that she could be angry with Peeta never occurred to me. I made this choice. I should take the blame. “It's not his fault. All he ever wanted was to protect me.”
“But he’s not here to do that, is he? And as far as he knew, there was no way he could be.” She’s red faced now and I can see veins in her neck I haven’t seen in years.
“I chose this,” I say, but it’s weak. I know it’s not true and now my mother does, too.
She’s yelling now. “Really? Because to me it looks like that weak, manipulative sonofabitch took advantage of you when he knew damn well there would be no consequences.”
I’m so angry I can’t even think of what to say, and since I can’t actually hit my mother, I storm off.
I check my arm to see when lunch is today and I notice my other doctor’s appointment. It’s with Dr Aurelius, a head doctor. I usually skip these appointments. I don’t see what talking to someone who has no idea what I’ve done will help. I need all the help I can get right now, though, so I’ll at least see what he has to say.
I walk in and he almost seems surprised to see me. He was just sitting at his desk, shuffling papers.
“Hello Katniss,” he smiles; it’s more of a greeting, though, than him being glad to see me.
“Hello,” I say, unsure of how to proceed.
“I had just given up on you showing up,” he says and then sighs as he stands up.
I scowl at the sigh; it sounds too much like my mother. He gestures for me to sit, though, and I do as he goes to a cabinet and rifles through some papers.
“So how are you feeling?” he asks distractedly as he goes through his papers.
“Fine,” I say, wondering why I bothered to come here.
For a few minutes, we sit there and he offers up a few the same basic questions the doctors have been asking me since I got here about how I sleep, how much I’m eating, and I lose more patience with every question. He sighs again when I tell him my nightmares are “terrible” without elaborating.
Then he asks what happens in the nightmare and I tell him. “I get attacked by mutts.” He sighs even louder. I snap, “Do you have to do that?”
“Does my sighing bother you?” he asks in his practiced calm voice.
“Yes. I already had to listen to my mother do it fifteen times today,” I growl back.
“Are you upset with your mother?” he asks.
“What do you care about my mother?” I ask, skeptical that it matters.
“Generally, mothers can be a good place for therapists to start,” he answers evenly.
“I just don’t see what that has to do with my Hunger Games,” I reply, uncrossing my arms.
“We don’t have to talk about your Hunger Games today We can simply talk about why you’re angry at your mother, if that’s what you want,” he says.
“I just want to feel better,” I say simply.
“I understand that. I believe I can help you do that, but I need you to talk to me to do that.”
“Why?” I have yet to get any of these doctors to actually give a real answer to that. Most of the doctors here talk down their noses to me and make sad pronouncements about my District 12 education. This guy seems less polished and softer somehow. He’s definitely not from the Capitol, with his short dark curls and deep blue eyes.
“Talking to a therapist helps people process and understand the things that have happened to them. It also helps me diagnose your specific issues and treat them.”
“Have you treated victors before?” I challenge.
“Yes, actually, when I was in Two I worked with a few. I also realize I can’t fully comprehend your experiences. That’s why I’d like to get a group session going with the rest of the victors when more of you are up to it.”
“And this helped with the Careers in Two?” I ask, curious. I didn’t think the kids in Two were as bothered by their actions; they seemed to revel in the glory of the Games.
“Yes, if they wanted to do the work, it did,” he replies.
“I don’t want to do anything with Haymitch, but I suppose I could talk about my mother, if you think it would help.”
“Great, now why are you angry at your mother?” he starts.
“She’s mad at Peeta. I’m pregnant and she thinks it’s all his fault, but it’s not.”
For the first time, he actually reacts to what I‘m saying by tilting his head and blinking several times. “Okay, apparently nobody thought to update me about your pregnancy, but besides that, why are you upset that your mother is angry at Peeta?”
“It's not fair. Peeta never did anything I didn’t want him to do. ” I blush realizing how it sounds. “I mean... ”
“It’s alright. I understand what you meant.” He smiles and I realize he is actually genuinely amused by me right now.
“I just mean if she should be angry with anyone, it should be me.”
“Why, though? All things considered, Peeta is arguably just as much to blame as you are,” he prods.
“I could have prevented it, though, I just didn’t,” I say, still unsure why I didn’t. It seems so simple now.
“Why didn’t you then?”
“I didn’t think I needed to, I was planning to be dead in a matter of days.,” I say flatly.
“Is that the only reason? Did you not want to be pregnant in the first place?”
“No, I....” I trail off because saying out loud that I didn’t want this baby seems awful now that it’s here. It also occurs to me for the first time that it was how Peeta’s mother made him feel more than once, unwanted and unloved. “I was trying to save Peeta.”
“Yes, but you had to realize that might fail. Was this some sort of back-up plan?” he asks.
“Not for me. I honestly don’t think I was really thinking when I was.... Well, I didn’t plan this.”
“How do you feel about being pregnant now?”
“Happy,” I say, realizing as soon as I say it that it’s true and not just what the doctor expects to hear.
“Wh....” he starts but he’s interrupted by Zoe barging in.
“You both need to come with me now,” Zoe pants.
“Doctor Avery, we’re in the middle of an appointment,” Dr Aurelius objects.
“It’s Coin. You both need to come right now,” Zoe insists and we follow her out the door.
Chapter 3
Chapter 5
Riley disappears around a corner though before I have chance to say anything. Neither of us has any idea what to say to the other. He was there the first time I woke up in Thirteen, but we quickly ran out of things to say. He looks so much like his brother it hurts me to look at him. I think I have a similar effect on him. When I’m not around, it’s easier to just pretend Peeta’s dead like the rest, rather than this awful limbo we’re both in.
I decide I’ve done enough telling for today, I just can’t deal with any more tears or accusations. I still have to sit with my mother and the Hawthornes through dinner, though, and that’s its own kind of awful. My mother sighs a lot and refuses to look at me, while Rory glares and Hazelle sends me looks that feel more like pity each time she does it. Prim tries to tell some story about the infirmary that’s supposed to be funny, but no one laughs. I eat my food as fast as possible. The one good thing about District 13 slop is that it goes down quickly. I get up to take my tray back and I hear Posy ask, “Why’s everybody so mad?”
It’s a good question, but I don’t need to hear the answer. Gale always hoped Peeta and I were just for the cameras, that without the Capitol I would be his. In his mind, I betrayed our love with Peeta. Of course that’s not the truth, although parts of it are. In the end it doesn’t matter. This baby needs its father and that’s what matters, that much of motherhood I understand. I go back to our room and lie on my bed thinking about the baby. So many thoughts run through my head they get jumbled. Worries about what will happen to us, where we will live, how I will take care of it, all swirl. I don’t even notice when my mother and Prim come in until my mother nudges me to say I should take a shower. I comply, glad to wash away this day and go to bed.
The next day seems to start way too early. My nightmares were awful, all of them included Peeta and our child
Running from what?running from mutts except when they were turning into mutts. I woke up screaming twice. Prim was beside me, shaking me awake. After another awkward breakfast without Gale, I don’t even bother looking at my schedule. I just go straight to my closet until it’s time for my appointment with Zoe.
I’m surprised my mother is there, although she doesn’t say much, just sighs as we go in. Zoe is as chipper as ever, though. “Now today I just want to do a scan. All it will do is confirm that you’re pregnant and that the embryo is in the right spot to develop properly. It’s still so early we might not even see anything yet, so don’t worry if we don’t. I just thought the sooner we know everything is good, the better.”
I nod, seeing the logic. I’m not sure how it’s possible, but I’ve seen enough of the Capitol’s medical tech to believe it is. I trust Zoe, if nothing else. She been kinder than anyone I’ve met in Thirteen so far. I get on the exam table and she lifts up my shirt and starts waving a plastic triangle over me. She stares intensely at the screen as she moves her hand first over my sides, then further down. I look at the screen, but all I see is black squiggles; just as I begin to think we’re not going to see anything, Zoe grins.
“There it is.” She points to a small circular blob near the bottom of the screen.
It’s barely bigger than her fingernail; the idea that it will become a person seems amazing. The image of a chubby little face swims before me and I feel a warmth in my belly that surprises me. I feel something like hope for the first time in a long time. Even my mother is smiling (although it’s a little tight). I’m smiling, too, I realize. Probably for the first time since I arrived here. Zoe is watching me. “Well, that’s really all there is to see. Everything looks good. The baby in a good spot and it looks good so far.”
“Could there be anything wrong?” I ask, worried again.
Zoe pauses for a second as she’s turning off the machine. “As far as I can tell, everything is fine,” she says, “and there is no reason to believe there is anything wrong”..”
“Okay,” I say, still uncertain.
Zoe turns around and hands me a piece of paper. “With any pregnancy, there are things that can go wrong, and it’s very early yet, but you’re healthy and young and there really isn’t anything to worry about.”
“I see.” I nod and then look down. Zoe has handed me a still picture of my scan. I can see the little blob and something flutters in my chest, but I look away. It makes all this seem far too real. I hope Peeta knew what he was doing when we created this child, because I sure don’t. Its It’s funny, though, I can’t help feeling like Peeta wouldn’t have left me in this position if he didn’t think I could be a mother. It’s not much, but it makes me feel stronger than anything else since I found out I was pregnant.
“Come on, I’m sure Zoe has other patients,” my mother says in her calm, competent healer’s voice.
I look at her, wondering why she even bothered to come. She said nothing, did nothing. She could have been any nurse in the hospital, and anyone besides my mother. Even without the Hunger Games, I wouldn’t know how to be a mother, thanks to her. I follow her out wordlessly, but once we’re in the hall, I snap. “Can you just be angry? Honestly, it would be easier than you pretending to be happy about this.”
She turns and I’m surprised to see sadness on her face, rather than anger. There are tears in her eyes when she starts, “I’m not. Honestly, you were in a terrible position, I can’t even imagine what that was like. I can’t be angry with you for that. I just wish that boy had thought of what he was leaving you to deal with.”
The fact that she could be angry with Peeta never occurred to me. I made this choice. I should take the blame. “It's not his fault. All he ever wanted was to protect me.”
“But he’s not here to do that, is he? And as far as he knew, there was no way he could be.” She’s red faced now and I can see veins in her neck I haven’t seen in years.
“I chose this,” I say, but it’s weak. I know it’s not true and now my mother does, too.
She’s yelling now. “Really? Because to me it looks like that weak, manipulative sonofabitch took advantage of you when he knew damn well there would be no consequences.”
I’m so angry I can’t even think of what to say, and since I can’t actually hit my mother, I storm off.
I check my arm to see when lunch is today and I notice my other doctor’s appointment. It’s with Dr Aurelius, a head doctor. I usually skip these appointments. I don’t see what talking to someone who has no idea what I’ve done will help. I need all the help I can get right now, though, so I’ll at least see what he has to say.
I walk in and he almost seems surprised to see me. He was just sitting at his desk, shuffling papers.
“Hello Katniss,” he smiles; it’s more of a greeting, though, than him being glad to see me.
“Hello,” I say, unsure of how to proceed.
“I had just given up on you showing up,” he says and then sighs as he stands up.
I scowl at the sigh; it sounds too much like my mother. He gestures for me to sit, though, and I do as he goes to a cabinet and rifles through some papers.
“So how are you feeling?” he asks distractedly as he goes through his papers.
“Fine,” I say, wondering why I bothered to come here.
For a few minutes, we sit there and he offers up a few the same basic questions the doctors have been asking me since I got here about how I sleep, how much I’m eating, and I lose more patience with every question. He sighs again when I tell him my nightmares are “terrible” without elaborating.
Then he asks what happens in the nightmare and I tell him. “I get attacked by mutts.” He sighs even louder. I snap, “Do you have to do that?”
“Does my sighing bother you?” he asks in his practiced calm voice.
“Yes. I already had to listen to my mother do it fifteen times today,” I growl back.
“Are you upset with your mother?” he asks.
“What do you care about my mother?” I ask, skeptical that it matters.
“Generally, mothers can be a good place for therapists to start,” he answers evenly.
“I just don’t see what that has to do with my Hunger Games,” I reply, uncrossing my arms.
“We don’t have to talk about your Hunger Games today We can simply talk about why you’re angry at your mother, if that’s what you want,” he says.
“I just want to feel better,” I say simply.
“I understand that. I believe I can help you do that, but I need you to talk to me to do that.”
“Why?” I have yet to get any of these doctors to actually give a real answer to that. Most of the doctors here talk down their noses to me and make sad pronouncements about my District 12 education. This guy seems less polished and softer somehow. He’s definitely not from the Capitol, with his short dark curls and deep blue eyes.
“Talking to a therapist helps people process and understand the things that have happened to them. It also helps me diagnose your specific issues and treat them.”
“Have you treated victors before?” I challenge.
“Yes, actually, when I was in Two I worked with a few. I also realize I can’t fully comprehend your experiences. That’s why I’d like to get a group session going with the rest of the victors when more of you are up to it.”
“And this helped with the Careers in Two?” I ask, curious. I didn’t think the kids in Two were as bothered by their actions; they seemed to revel in the glory of the Games.
“Yes, if they wanted to do the work, it did,” he replies.
“I don’t want to do anything with Haymitch, but I suppose I could talk about my mother, if you think it would help.”
“Great, now why are you angry at your mother?” he starts.
“She’s mad at Peeta. I’m pregnant and she thinks it’s all his fault, but it’s not.”
For the first time, he actually reacts to what I‘m saying by tilting his head and blinking several times. “Okay, apparently nobody thought to update me about your pregnancy, but besides that, why are you upset that your mother is angry at Peeta?”
“It's not fair. Peeta never did anything I didn’t want him to do. ” I blush realizing how it sounds. “I mean... ”
“It’s alright. I understand what you meant.” He smiles and I realize he is actually genuinely amused by me right now.
“I just mean if she should be angry with anyone, it should be me.”
“Why, though? All things considered, Peeta is arguably just as much to blame as you are,” he prods.
“I could have prevented it, though, I just didn’t,” I say, still unsure why I didn’t. It seems so simple now.
“Why didn’t you then?”
“I didn’t think I needed to, I was planning to be dead in a matter of days.,” I say flatly.
“Is that the only reason? Did you not want to be pregnant in the first place?”
“No, I....” I trail off because saying out loud that I didn’t want this baby seems awful now that it’s here. It also occurs to me for the first time that it was how Peeta’s mother made him feel more than once, unwanted and unloved. “I was trying to save Peeta.”
“Yes, but you had to realize that might fail. Was this some sort of back-up plan?” he asks.
“Not for me. I honestly don’t think I was really thinking when I was.... Well, I didn’t plan this.”
“How do you feel about being pregnant now?”
“Happy,” I say, realizing as soon as I say it that it’s true and not just what the doctor expects to hear.
“Wh....” he starts but he’s interrupted by Zoe barging in.
“You both need to come with me now,” Zoe pants.
“Doctor Avery, we’re in the middle of an appointment,” Dr Aurelius objects.
“It’s Coin. You both need to come right now,” Zoe insists and we follow her out the door.
Chapter 3
Chapter 5