Truth Between the Lies
Notes: I'm not trying to make any sort of politcal statement in regards to abortion in this chapters. Its mentioned as part of Katnisses situation and her reaction is meant to be a reaction to her situation only.
Disclaimer: not mine don't sue
Chapter 1
My name is Katniss Everdeen and I'm from district 12. Less than two weeks ago District 12 was bombed to ashes. Less than two weeks ago I was separated from Peeta, who is now in the hands of the Capitol. The very thought of him there makes my skin itch and my breath catch. At least Prim and my mother made it out of 12 along with Gale's family and a handful of others. It's cold comfort knowing that so man thousands of others are dead because of what I did.
Although I'm currently avoiding my mother as I move through the hospital ward I have no idea what to say if she asks me why I'm here. She knows enough about my medical history to know I don't need any new tests for my head or my arm and I have no idea how to explain what I'm really here for. Our relationship is better now but I still don't think the news that I need to take a pregnancy test well.
Even though she has lived in the Seam most of her life my mother still had a merchant's pride. We might live in District Thirteen now but having a baby out of marriage was a big deal in District Twelve. More than just having another mouth to feed, a girl with a child isn't likely to find a husband and will probably live with her parents for the rest of her life. There are just too many single girls who don't have that complication and there are always fewer husbands thanks to mining accidents. It's probably the biggest disaster a Seam girl can find herself in (outside of being reaped). Finding herself pregnant without a wedding ring and by a merchant's son to boot. If the father was Seam you could just get married, he might have trouble finding a wife if people knew he abandoned his child anyway. For merchants, though, the rules are different. A Seam girl would be seen by the other merchants as trying to go after the family business and the boy would be smart to dump her and marry one of his own. Peeta would never do that and this is an extreme situation, but my mother's pride may make it hard for her to see that.
I still think I might not need to tell her anything. The odds that I'm actually pregnant seem slim despite the doctor's reassurances. Zoe, the doctor in charge of my case, seems to think that I'm just worried I damaged the baby in the arena. District 13 has fertility issues the idea that someone might not want to be pregnant seems to be a foreign concept to her. Although I'm still not sure what I really want. Part of me loves the idea of there being some piece of Peeta out of Snow's reach. But I can't be someone's mother. Maybe if Peeta was here it would be different but I don't know how to do this alone.
It seems so stupid now. I got caught up in a feeling and now I don't know what I'll do. It was the night we left home and I thought I'd never have to deal with the consequences, so I gave in to what my body wanted. That night on the train it felt right even know I don't really regret being with Peeta I just wish I'd been more careful. I had just wanted to give Peeta something freely the way he's always done for me. I could have taken the pills Effie told me she had on the Victory Tour, I just didn't see a reason to bother. Now I've got something else to feel guilty about. I may have created a child in this awful world just to spare myself some embarrassment.
I reach Zoe's office and open the door, sliding in quickly as to not be seen. Zoe smiles up at me. That's another thing about Zoe. She's always smiling. She's easily the happiest citizen of District Thirteen around. Her dark hair is pulled back tightly and even her ponytail is bouncy, her dark eyes scanning me as if looking for visible signs of pregnancy.
"Hi, Katniss. How are you feeling?"
I sit down and look blankly at her before answering. "I'm still woozy and confused sometimes but that's just from the concussion, right?"
"Of course it's a little early for pregnancy symptoms. I just wanted to ask in case you had noticed anything."
"Not really."
Of course I had deliberately trying not to notice any signs. I still was only vaguely sure what they were anyway. I had only pretended to listen during our last visit after she told me we couldn't be sure I was pregnant until at least three weeks after I'd conceived. I only knew for sure that I hadn't gotten my period since the games but that wasn't unusual for me.
"There we go," she said, slipping a piece of rubber around my arm. I watched as she slid a needle into my vein and my blood flowed into a vial.
Afterward, she walked out of the room to hand the vial off to a nurse. I sat there with my stomach doing backflips trying to decide what I wanted the results to be.
"Now," Zoe said as she closed the door. "I just want to remind you that we are testing very early here and a negative today could just mean it's still too early to tell. If the test is negative you should just come back here tomorrow."
"I know," I reply. I almost want it to be a positive result simply so I don't have to do this again.
"Have you thought about what you're going to do if you are?" Zoe asks hesitantly. That simply earns a scowl. if she thinks I've thought about anything else these last few weeks she not smart enough to be a healer.
She continues slowly, obviously choosing her words carefully. "I realize you were probably planning to have the child, but since you seem so reluctant to tell anyone I wondered if you might be having second thoughts. Considering your age and situation it's perfectly understandable. This isn't District Twelve. There is no law here that says you have to continue with this pregnancy."
That is something I hadn't thought of yet. I'd heard of such a thing. I remembered my mother handing some potion to a crying girl with a warning not to take too much. I just hadn't considered it for myself. In my head I would either be pregnant or I wouldn't be, my body would decide for me. Since that's what got me into trouble in the first place it seemed fair. I think about the possibility for a moment. The idea of making it so this never happened has its appeal. In my heart though, it's Peeta's child too and I can't make that choice without him. Besides that, I do feel something about this possible baby besides fear, its small but it's there. It's that possibility of something. I am terrified of this having a child and all that would mean but there is a spark there. A hopeful, happy feeling I get that I don't want to let go of.
"I can't."
Zoe nods. "I understand," she says.
I actually laugh at this. The idea that Zoe has any inkling of what my position is like is truly ludicrous. Zoe looks at me oddly for second then she starts giggling. It feels good to laugh and to share it with someone else. For the first time I feel like Zoe might actually understand something about my situation.
"I understand that you don't want to terminate, I mean," she says as she regains her composure.
"I don't know what I really want. The only thing I'm sure of is that if anyone should have a child, its Peeta. So I'm going with that."
Zoe smiles sadly at my words. "Going with your instincts is probably a good place to start. You just need to be sure you can live with the consequences."
There's a knock at the door and I jump not just at the noise. Zoe slides the door open slightly and the nurse hands a file in to her. She opens it then turns and looks at me, her face surprisingly blank.
"Well?" I croak.
"You're pregnant." She smiles sadly.
My stomach seems to drop to the floor and the walls seem to be closing in on me. I can't think and my stomach is doing a whole new dance. Zoe realizes what's happening before I do and hands me a garbage can right before I throw up in it.
"Sorry," I say as I wipe my mouth.
"It happens." Zoe shrugs and she then sits down next to me, putting a hand on my shoulder. "You can come back tomorrow and well do an ultrasound to confirm it but for now everything looks good."
I nod as I come back to my senses slightly and then I stand up abruptly, wanting to leave.
"Katniss." Zoe says as I'm at the door. "You need to tell people about this, your mother, Haymitch, your sister. I won't tell Coin or anyone about this if you don't want me too. You're not alone. You have people who can help if you let them."
I nod but I'm not sure I believe her. Then I walk out, trying to sort through my emotions.
Also thanks for Daybreak777 for betaing this fic
Chapter 2